13. Anthony

Chapter 13

Anthony

It had been a foregone conclusion that sex with Jesse would be hot. He’d been like a powder keg of pent-up sexual frustration, and from that first kiss beside his front door a lifetime ago, I’d wanted to light the fuse.

And now, here we were, in the aftermath: tangled beneath my sheets, long past catching our breath but nowhere near ready to leave. The dust had settled. We’d gotten up on shaking legs, grabbed a long shower together, and settled back into my bed, but I swore the air still crackled with electricity.

I needed a cigarette, but I was just too damned comfortable like this. Staring up at the ceiling as I ran my fingers through Jesse’s damp hair, I didn’t want to move. Wasn’t so sure I could, if the ache in my legs and twinge in my hips were any indication. I knew sex with him would be incredible, but what I hadn’t expected was his complete, easy surrender. One minute he was all nerves and apprehension. The next he was quivering muscles and whispered pleas, and nothing in the known universe could turn me on more than that.

I turned onto my side so we were facing each other.

“I still can’t believe you’d never done this,” I whispered, caressing his cheek. “You take so easily to being a bottom.”

He laughed softly and avoided my eyes. “Yeah, well, I’ve always kind of been…afraid to.”

“Afraid it would hurt?”

“Well, that.”

“And?”

Jesse sighed. “This will sound a little ridiculous. A lot ridiculous.”

I propped myself up on my arm. “Try me.”

“I…well…” He chewed his lip. “You know all that crazy stuff I did in college? Everything the tabloids talked about?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Sounded like you had a good time in school.”

He laughed softly but halfheartedly. “Would you believe that was all a carefully calculated and meticulously executed front?”

“Really?”

Nodding, Jesse ran a hand through his hair. “I made sure people saw me drinking, partying, having one-night stands with women. Dating women, fucking women, being with women.”

“But why?”

He swallowed, and when he met my eyes, I couldn’t decide if he looked sad or exhausted. Maybe both. “Because as long as they were hung up on all the partying I did, and they were occupied with all the girls I was seeing, then they didn’t notice when I quietly drove to the next town to look for guys.”

“And no one recognized you in the other town? ”

“Oh, they did. Do you know how hard it is to have an anonymous one-night stand when everyone everywhere knows your fucking name and face? I was scared to death because there’s only so much ‘oh, I get that all the time’ I could use before people figured out I am Jesse Cameron. No one ever did, not that I’m aware of, but it scared me.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. And the thing is, whenever I slept with a guy, I was always on top. Not because I was inclined to be, I just had it in my head that I needed to be in control. One hundred percent in control of everything.” He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “Like, if I compromised that control for even a second, in any way, something would get out. People would know.” He shook his head. “Doesn’t make sense in hindsight, but I was so scared of someone finding out, I wasn’t terribly rational about it.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s rational. I think every gay man’s been afraid of someone finding out. I know I’ve been there, and I’ve only ever had to hide it from my parents. Not the public. Or a spouse, for that matter.”

Jesse winced. “Yeah. Be thankful for that.”

“I am,” I said softly. “Speaking of spouses, I’m just…curious.” I ran my hand up and down his arm. “How did things end between you and Simone? I mean, how did she take it, I guess?”

“It was kind of weird how it happened.” He moved a little closer to me and rested a hand on my hip. “Wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned telling her.”

“How so?”

“We were, well, in bed.” His cheeks darkened, and he swallowed hard. “By that point, I’d been thinking for a long time about telling her, trying to find the right time and wondering how the hell to word it. And I hadn’t been able to bring myself to turn her away, you know, in bed, because going through the motions was just easier.” He went quiet, his eyes losing focus. “Anyway. I guess she…I don’t know, she picked up on something. Like she realized I was just going through the motions. So she stops, right in the middle of everything, and she looks me in the eye and asks if there’s someone else.”

I blinked. “She thought you were cheating?”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah, and I was horrified. I’d never cheat on someone. I just, I didn’t know how to respond to that. So she said she knew something was going on, something was obviously wrong, and would I just tell her now and be done with it rather than acting like everything was okay.” He moistened his lips, and his voice fell to a whisper. “So I told her.”

“What did she say?”

“She just stared at me for a minute. I mean, we’re literally naked in bed, had just been having sex, and suddenly…I’m gay. I can’t even imagine what went through her head, but it was damn sure the most surreal moment of my life.” He shifted his gaze away from me and chewed his lower lip. His eyebrows knitted together like this entire train of thought physically hurt him. “An d all I could think was how she was going to hate me, and why didn’t I tell her a long time ago instead of hurting her like this. But then she asked me how long I’d known, why I hadn’t told her, all of that. She wasn’t angry or defensive, just kind of stunned, I guess.”

“Can’t say I blame her.”

“Neither can I. Anyway, we got dressed and spent the rest of the night swimming in a bottle of I don’t remember what. The next morning we talked it over, and, I mean, there really was only one conclusion we could come to. But then Simone brought up the fact that I’d been talking about running for office, and how would this affect things, and…” He exhaled hard and made a sharp gesture with one hand. “We got advice from Roger, and now here we are.” He looked up, and when our eyes met, he added with a soft laugh, “He’ll be pissed if he finds out I’m here , though.”

“Yeah. God forbid he finds out either of us are here.”

“Does he even know you’re gay?”

“ Ooh no. Not Roger.” I absently ran my fingertips along Jesse’s jaw. “I’ve always been pretty ambiguous with all my candidates about my personal life. Never put up any kind of smoke screen or anything, just didn’t say anything about it and politely declined whenever someone tried to hook me up with their niece or whoever.”

“Smart move,” he muttered.

“Out of curiosity, when did you realize you were gay? Before or after you were married?”

“I’ve known I was gay since…shit, I don’t remember not being into men. It just took a while to figure out I wasn’t into women.” He laughed humorlessly. “Apparently my little meticulously calculated charade fooled me as much as anyone else.”

“But what about Simone?”

He ran his fingers through his damp hair again. “I connected with her in a way I never had with anyone else before. I thought, I guess, that meant I was in love with her. But I think we just understood each other. With her, it was the closest I’d ever come to not having to fake it, and not just sexually.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess, she and I were both just…lost. We were both screwed up in the head, didn’t know what the fuck we were doing or where we were going. We had our careers on pretty solid paths, but we both came from fucked-up families, we both had the media breathing down our neck over every little move we made, and at least when we were together, we could ignore all that for a while. We could just talk and interact like a couple of normal people without judging each other for all the less than normal shit. And even after the cracks started showing, we still had that. Hell, we still do now. We’re great friends and always will be, there was just that one minor detail that made being married…not work. ”

“And even with the divorce looming,” I said, making sure my voice was gentle and didn’t sound accusatory, “you both still thought this campaign was a good idea?”

Jesse scowled. “I knew it wasn’t. Deep down, I knew. And I was going to hold off on running for office for a while, but then Casey started making noise about running. Simone suggested getting Roger’s advice about the election in light of the two of us divorcing. Neither of us were thrilled about his suggestion but couldn’t very well argue with it either.”

“Pity Roger didn’t come to me before offering advice.”

“What would you have suggested?”

“Divorce your wife, then run for office. Don’t address your personal life, don’t draw any attention to it, and by all means, don’t try to mislead the public. As it is, if you come out after you’re elected, you could wind up getting impeached. Legally it doesn’t matter what you do in private, but it does matter if you lie to the public about it.”

Jesse groaned and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Why the fuck would Roger have me do things this way, then?”

Oh, I could think of a few reasons , I wanted to mutter. Instead I just said, “Because when it comes to campaign strategies, your uncle is an idiot.”

Jesse laughed. “And here I always thought he was good at it.”

“Oh, he’s good at campaigning. He’s just a moron when it comes to campaign strategies . He’s got charisma. I mean, the man could sell shit to pig farmers while convincing the unemployed that the economy is booming. But believe me, when he’s campaigning, he doesn’t say anything about anything unless he’s run it by me first. Policies and crisis solutions? That’s all him. But who to talk to and what to say to woo the voters? Not a word without my say-so. Which is why I was so fucking pissed he’d put your marriage front and center before he brought me on board.”

Jesse cocked his head. “But you didn’t know my marriage was…well…”

“No, I didn’t. But even if you had the marriage he’s insisted you portray, it shouldn’t have been part of the campaign strategy until I’d gotten involved. And most likely I wouldn’t have put a spotlight on it. Had the two of you show up at events, yeah, but it isn’t something that needs to be shoved down the public’s throat. Especially when there are problems behind the scenes.” I pursed my lips. “And if I’d known this would be detrimental to Simone’s health…”

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered. “And once the cat’s out of the bag, why do I get the feeling that once I’m elected, I could single-handedly reverse the state’s economic problems overnight and this could still kill my career?”

“Because that’s exactly the case.”

“Lovely,” he muttered.

“Once you and Simone divorce, you’ll be under some scrutiny for a while. Are you going to come out then? ”

“I don’t know. The public will probably flip out.”

“They’ll flip out if you come out then; they’ll flip out if you come out later.”

“So I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”

I nodded. “Welcome to politics. Whatever the case, we’ll need to be careful.” I trailed my fingers down the side of his neck. “Extra careful.”

“I don’t imagine this will get any easier after the election,” he said. “Seeing each other, I mean.”

“Not if you get elected, no.”

Jesse smirked. “Well, I could lose, so then we—”

“The fuck you will.” I laughed.

He chuckled, but it didn’t last. “All joking aside, I’m scared to death of coming out publicly, but it’s not just because of what it’ll do to my political career.”

I laced my fingers between his on his chest. “What do you mean?”

“I’m really afraid of how things will affect Simone,” he said softly. “As she puts it, the media’s like a bunch of teenage girls in a high school bathroom, and they’ll find the cruelest way to twist the story around. Saying she turned me or that she was a beard all along or just gossiping about it nonstop. The divorce and everything are stressful enough for her. I just, I don’t want it to be worse for her than it has to be. She’s been humiliated enough.”

“Yeah, she has. Poor girl. I don’t know how you two live with that, to be honest. In a fishbowl, having people not only know about but criticize your everyday life…” I shook my head.

“Yeah, well, when your parents are famous for everything they’ve ever done,” he muttered, “it’s the only life you ever know.” He paused. “I’m surprised no one’s ever tried to put your personal life out there.”

I shrugged. “I’m just a campaign manager, not a candidate. Most people couldn’t care less what I do as long as it’s legal.”

“Yeah, but being so close to the political world, and with as scandal hungry as everyone is…”

Nodding, I said, “There is that. Though to be honest, I live and breathe campaigns, so I haven’t had much of a personal life to speak of. Not until recently, anyway. Which is why most people—including your uncle and any other candidate I’ve ever worked with—don’t even know I’m gay.”

“Fun secret to keep, isn’t it?”

“Ooh yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “Loads of fun. That’s part of why I’ve been single for so long. When you work in or around politics, it’s usually advisable to keep things like this under the radar, and most guys get tired of being another man’s dirty secret. Believe me, that novelty wears off quick .”

Jesse flinched.

I put a hand on his arm. “That’s not what I meant. ”

“Still, we can’t exactly broadcast this. If you want to jump ship before—”

I cut him off with a gentle kiss. For a second, he was still, but then he wrapped his arms around me and relaxed into my kiss.

After a moment, I broke away just enough to be able to speak. “The only problem I’m going to have with keeping this quiet,” I whispered, “is making sure no one hears me when you make me come.”

He moaned softly and raised his head to kiss me. As he sank back to the pillow, he said, “Okay, but assuming we keep doing this, we’re either going to have to keep it quiet or, sooner or later, come out. How long do we keep this a secret? If I make it into office…”

“We’ll deal with that when we get there.” I grinned cautiously. “At least in this case, I don’t have to worry about a candidate throwing me off his campaign for being a dirty fag.”

Jesse laughed. “Okay, that’s true.” He touched my face. “Did that ever bother you? Working on my uncle’s campaigns when he was so unsupportive of gay rights?”

“It kept me awake at night sometimes, believe me. The thing is, usually he was just ambivalent about gay rights, whereas he’d be running against someone who was torch-and-pitchfork antigay.”

“The lesser of two evils, then?”

“Pretty much. Which is how it works on any level in politics. And if the choice comes down to someone who’s vehemently against an important issue versus someone who isn’t terribly vocal either way…” I shrugged.

“I guess that makes sense.” A hint of a smirk played at his lips. “I’m assuming you don’t usually get involved with your candidates?”

I laughed. “Prior to you, Jesse, I’d have said there was a snowball’s chance in hell of me ever getting involved with a candidate.” My humor faded, and I trailed my fingers up and down the side of his neck. “This could be career suicide for both of us, you know.”

He slid his hand over the back of mine. “But here we are.”

“The last place in the world we should be,” I whispered, leaning closer to him. “But what can I say? I’m willing to take the risk if you are.”

His other hand snaked around the back of my neck and into my hair. Just before our lips met, he said, “Damn right I’m willing.”

I kissed him, and there was no turning back. I’d already had him once, and damned if I was leaving this bed before I’d had him again, even if there was every reason for us to go our separate ways and pretend tonight had never happened.

It happened.

It was happening again.

And this wouldn’t be the last time.