33. Skye

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul (Psalm 31:7)

4 years. It had been 4 years and River was still sick.

Nothing had changed.

And everything had changed.

They still didn't have answers. And River was still bedbound. Not only that, but River's jaw pain had gotten exponentially worse over the years. Not only did it lock on occasion but it hurt just to talk, or chew, or sing, or laugh, or even to kiss Skye. When he‘d asked his dentist about it they had recommended seeing a TMJ specialist who had told him that not only did he have TMJ dysfunction, which meant his jaw could lock at any given moment, but he also had arthritis and mild dislocations in both sides of his jaw.

Skye couldn't believe it. River was only 32, and his body was falling apart bit by bit, year after year. What the hell was going on?

The TMJ specialist had told him that chewing gum on a regular basis would help with the jaw pain, and gave him medication to help him sleep at night and relax his jaw so he wouldn't clench as much, and also recommended a splint for him to wear at night. Unfortunately that wasn't covered by insurance and would cost $1200. Their financial situation was a bit better than it had been a year ago, now that River was making a steady income, and Skye had quit his job at the auto parts store, but things were still tight, and if their medical expenses didn't slow down he'd have to pick up more work again, and he just didn't know if he could do it. Not when he was finally spending more time with River and feeling less exhausted. The fact that River was making enough money for Skye to quit his second job had been a huge boost for his husband emotionally, and Skye hated the thought of taking that away from him.

He of course insisted that River get the splint because he wanted River to do anything and everything he could to feel better, to be better, but the thought of going back to working weekends on top of his teaching job made him break out in a sweat, his heart racing, and he found himself sitting in his car after work one day, tears sliding down his cheeks, unable to make the drive home.

He felt so hopeless once again.

He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He felt like every ounce of energy he did have got poured into his work, and into River, and keeping their home together. And he just didn't know if he could do it anymore. Not that he would ever leave his husband. God, of course not. He loved River, and when he'd promised to stay by his side ‘in sickness and in health' he'd meant it. But once again he found himself in desperate need of help.

He picked up his phone and dialed and then held it to his ear, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Hey, sweetheart," Grace answered.

"Hi, Mom," Skye said, and his voice was shaking, and more tears were falling.

"Oh, Skye," Grace said, softly. "You sound like you aren't doing so well."

Skye sniffled. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"I'm so sorry. What's going on? Is it River?"

"I mean, yeah, it's River. But it's me, Mom. It's just me. I'm falling apart. I'm stressed, and exhausted."

"You sound overwhelmed, Skye," Grace said, concern in her voice. "My poor baby."

"Yeah," Skye admitted, wiping more tears from his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mom. I don't mean to call you just to cry and complain."

"Yes you do," Grace said softly once again. "And that's okay, Skye. That's more than okay. That's what I'm here for. It's okay for you not to be okay. And I want you to call me when that's happening. You"re my son, and I love you. And it breaks my heart to see you hurting so much. There's nothing wrong with tears, baby."

Skye was sobbing now, his head resting against the steering wheel.

"It's okay," Grace said. "It's okay, Skye. I'm here. I'm here. And I love you. And you love River so much. I know. That's what love is. When your partner is going through hell, and you walk right through the flames with them."

"Mom, I just don't know what to do," he choked out. "We are doing a bit better financially, but things are still tough and I'm worried I might have to go back to work at the shop, and I just don't think I can. I'm so fucking exhausted."

"I know," Grace said. "Skye, I've been thinking about you guys a lot, actually, and how I might be able to help. And the truth is, I don't feel like there really is much I can do from Kansas."

"I know, Mom."

"So, I was thinking I should move out there."

Skye's heart stopped. "What?" he asked, picking his head up off of the steering wheel.

"I miss my boys, Skye. I have ever since Jaden went away to college. And if I can be near you and River and help you out, I'd really like to do that. Mind you, I'm not much of a cook, but I could help out with groceries, and laundry, and dishes, and cleaning, and just being there. And I'd really like to do that. And just being able to see you guys on a regular basis would be wonderful."

Skye's heart was pounding. "Are you serious?"

"Very," Grace said, a hint of a smile in her voice.

"But, what about the beer company? I mean, you started that with Dad. That's everything to you."

"No, Skye, you are everything to me."

Skye was crying all over again.

"I have a friend who's going to take things over for me. I'll still own it but I don't have to be here all the time. It'll take me a month or so to get things in order but then I can be closer to you guys and be helping out. Does that sound okay?"

Skye was speechless for a minute. He closed his eyes tightly as tears continued to fall.

"Skye?" Grace asked. "Are you there?"

"Yeah, Mom, I'm here. That, uh, that sounds amazing. Really. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Skye."

River

I see your pain, and it's big. I also see your courage. And it's bigger. ~Glennon Doyle

You'll always be the bravest and best person I know.

Love you, angel. XOXO

River smiled despite his pain and exhaustion. A year later Skye was still leaving him these encouraging notes and Bible verses. This one was on the coffee pot.

He made his coffee and carried it back to bed where he sat propped up on his wedge that Skye had gotten for him all those years ago when he'd first started having tailbone pain. The beginnings of his journey with chronic pain and illness. Who knew then that it would last this long? He felt like he should be grateful really, that it wasn't life threatening. He didn't have cancer. He wasn't dying. But even though it wasn't life threatening, it was still life altering. It changed things, big time, for him and for Skye. And the hardest part was never knowing if he would get better or not. Still not having a diagnosis. Still not having answers.

Skye

Skye was wiping off the white board after school a few weeks later when he heard a knock on the door. His eyes widened when he turned and saw who it was, a smile spreading across his face.

"Claire," he said.

"Hi, Mr. Mckenzie." Claire's smile lit up her face. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," Skye said. He couldn't believe how grown up Claire looked. He hadn't seen her in several years and she was becoming a young woman now. Her blonde hair fell loosely down her back and over her shoulders and she wore tight jeans with holes in the knees and a T-shirt with a zip up hoodie over top. She was wearing makeup now, light pink lip gloss and dark eyeliner. It suited her.

"How are you?" Skye asked as he sat down and gestured for her to do the same.

"I'm fine," she said, somewhat shyly. "I'm good, actually." She blushed a little and smiled more. "I have a girlfriend."

Skye beamed. "That's great."

"Yeah, thanks," Claire said. "Anyway, I uh, I actually came to talk about you."

"Me?"

"Yeah, word's kinda been getting around about your husband not feeling well, and I wanted to say how sorry I am," Claire said, her blue eyes conveying sympathy.

Skye swallowed. "Thank you, Claire," he said. "That's very sweet of you."

"Yeah, well, Gwen and I have been talking, and we were kind of hoping that you would let us set up a Go Fund Me account for you guys. We really want to help, and I don't think we're the only ones. But we wanted to run it by you first, of course. My mom said we could do it if we had your permission."

Skye swallowed again. He was overwhelmed. He couldn't believe one of his former students was sitting in front of him, expressing sympathy for him and his husband and at the same time offering to set up a way to get them financial assistance. But he didn't know if he could take it. He was not used to accepting money from people. He felt like taking care of River, of the medical bills and the school debt, was his responsibility, not anyone else"s.

"That's really generous of you guys, but I don't think?—"

"Come on, Mr. Mckenzie," Claire interrupted. "We can't help you at home, or make River feel any better physically, and I don't cook worth a damn, but we can do this."

Skye smirked at her. "I understand that, and I really appreciate it, but there's so many people out there who probably need the money even more than River and I do. I just don't feel right about taking it."

"Mr. Mckenzie, we can't help the other people out there who need the money. We don't know them. We know you. And we can help you. And you need it. Can you honestly tell me you don't need it?" Claire eyed him and Skye couldn't believe how stubborn she'd gotten, or maybe she was just allowing this side of herself to finally show through.

He sighed. "I'll talk with River about it."

Claire narrowed her eyes. "Like, you'll actually talk to him, or you say you'll talk to him and then you'll go home and I'll never hear from you ‘cause that's your way of avoiding it?"

Skye grinned slightly. "I'll actually talk to him."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "Promise?"

"Promise."

"Okay. I'm gonna be back here the day after tomorrow just to make sure. Do your homework." She pointed a finger at him.

"Yes, ma'am."

River

A month later, things were looking up slightly. River was still bedridden, but Grace was settled into her new place only ten minutes down the road from them, and Skye and River had decided to take Claire up on her and Gwen's offer of setting up a Go Fund Me account (even though it still made Skye feel uneasy) and they had been once again overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness of their friends, community and even strangers who had donated to help them. And River had seen the difference it had made. His husband was significantly less stressed, and had the sparkle back in his beautiful green eyes.

They were curled up in bed watching tv when River's phone rang. When he picked it up he saw that it was Anna, and swiped to answer. Skye continued to run his fingers through River's hair as he held the phone to his ear, nuzzling a little closer into his husband"s side.

"Hey, Anna," River said.

"Hey. How are you guys?" Her voice was sweet and thoughtful as always.

"Okay. Surviving."

"Well, I'm calling with what I'm hoping will be good news."

"Oh?" River said. "What's that?"

"I was out to lunch with a friend today, and she was talking about how her sister was really sick and had been for a long time, and finally got a diagnosis. And I thought that her symptoms sounded really similar to yours, so I wanted to pass on to you guys what doctor this girl's sister saw, ‘cause they're about an hour away, and it seems like it's been helping her, and maybe, I don't know… I don't want to give you false hope, ‘cause I know you have been to hell and back for years with this crap, but I thought it might be worth a shot. I mean it might not be what you have, but I thought it was worth a try."

"Yeah, it might be. What's the diagnosis, or treatment, or whatever?"

"It's called POTS," Anna said. "That's what my friend's sister has. It took her years to get a diagnosis but she has pretty much all of the same symptoms that you do. Except for the tailbone pain and the arthritis stuff. But I mean, the palpitations, and the nausea, and lightheadedness, and fainting, and dizziness, and she was bedridden for years too. But she found this doctor, whose daughter I guess also has it, so she knows a lot about it, and anyway, she's been doing better. She's gotten to the point where she has a part time job now."

"Wow," River said, and he couldn't help but feel a little bit hopeful again. "That's awesome."

"It's called what, again?" River asked, and he could feel Skye's fingers stalling in his hair, his interest clearly piqued.

"POTS," Anna said. "It stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome."

River grabbed the pen and paper that were sitting by his nightstand and wrote the name down and showed it to Skye. His husband blinked at him and pursed his lips, then shrugged, indicating that he'd never heard of it before.

"So, some of the things my friend suggested were drinking coconut water and other things with lots of electrolytes to stay hydrated, and eating lots of salty snacks. Apparently that's what her sister does. They also said you could try compression socks. If you want to check out the doctor's website I can send you the information."

"Yes, please, that would be amazing."

"Okay. I'll send it now. Let me know how it goes, if you can. I really hope this helps you, River."

"Thank you," he said. "I really appreciate it. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"That sounded like good news," Skye prodded as River set his phone aside.

"Yeah, Anna thinks she may have found a doctor who can help me."

"Really?" Skye said, sitting up more.

River filled him in. They took a look at the website Anna had texted to him, and sent an email asking for a consultation, and then Skye took River back into his arms, holding him tight.

"Skye," River said, his hand resting on his husband's chest. "Thank you."

"For what?" Skye asked, tilting his head slightly to look down at him.

"For everything," River said. "For sticking with me through all of this. I know it's been just as hard for you as it has been for me. Just in a different way. I know how hard you have worked, and how stressed and tired you have been. You have always put me first. And I know this isn't what you thought marriage would be. So thank you. I know I have complained a lot, and cried a lot and you've had to be the strong one. I just want you to know that I see you. I see how much you love me, and everything you sacrifice, and how hard you work. And I appreciate it more than you know. And I love you."

Skye shifted away from River slightly and loosened his grip. He put his fingers under River's chin and lifted his face so that River was looking him in the eyes. And then he kissed him soundly.

River rested his hand on Skye's cheek and kissed him back, falling onto his back and pulling Skye on top of him, his husband's tongue sliding into his mouth, and they both moaned as their kissing intensified and their cocks began to harden against one another's.

It wasn't long before they were both naked and River had his legs wrapped around his husband as Skye slid inside him. They let out a string of curses as they came together, and then held each other, basking in their post orgasmic bliss.

"I love you, Riv," Skye said.

"I love you, too, Skye," River whispered. They touched their lips together a few more times and then slid under the covers and snuggled up together once again.

And with Skye by his side, River knew that he would be okay. They didn't have all of the answers about life, or faith, or about anything, really, but they had each other, and that was enough.