28. Skye

"Hey, can I join you?" River asked, sitting next to Skye on the sofa, both of them with reading materials in their hands. This had become a regular routine for them, spending time during the weekends or evenings reading together, sometimes to themselves and sometimes to each other.

Skye smiled and lifted his arms so that River could lay down and rest his head on his lap.

"What's that one about?" Skye asked as he stroked his fingers through River's hair, gazing down at him. He had another National Geographic magazine in his hands. He was such a dork.

"Secrets of Whales?" Skye said with a grin, when River turned the cover so Skye could read it. "You're adorable, you know that?" He leaned down and pressed his lips to his husband's.

River smiled through the kiss and gripped the back of Skye's neck, kissing him back.

They read for a while, Skye stroking his fingers through River's hair, before River set his magazine aside and stood.

But he was sitting back down in an instant, his hand over his heart.

"River?" Skye said, when he noticed the glazed look in his husband's eyes, and his face growing pale.

"Shit," River said, closing his eyes. He rested back against the sofa, seeming to gather himself.

"Riv?" Skye said again, his heart racing now. "What's wrong?" He rested his hand on River's arm. His husband looked exhausted from having been on his feet for less than three seconds.

"It was my heart, Skye," River said finally, eyes still closed, his hand resting on his chest.

"What?" Skye said in surprise. "I thought that was better. I thought the medicine was working. You haven't had an episode in months."

River opened his eyes now and bit his lip, glancing at his husband.

Skye narrowed his eyes. "River," he said, his tone dripping with accusation. "You haven't had an episode in months, right?"

River glanced away. "They, uh…they started up again, a few weeks ago," he admitted.

"What?" Skye almost shouted. He couldn't remember a time when he'd ever been more upset with River. "Are you kidding me?! This has been going on for weeks, and you didn't think to tell me? What the hell, Riv?" There was more anger behind his words than he'd intended but he couldn't help it. "Were you ever planning on telling me or were you going to just pass out on me one day, or let me get a phone call telling me you were in the hospital again and that's how I was going to find out?" His jaw was clenched when he stopped speaking and River's eyes were wide.

"I'm sorry, Skye," he said. "I didn't want to worry you…"

That just made Skye angrier. "Didn't…" he clenched his jaw to keep from losing it on River again, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. He took a deep breath and let it out. "Damn it, River," he said, finally, looking back at his husband, his voice calmer but still stern. "What do you think I'm doing now? You can't keep this kind of stuff from me. I need to know if you've got something going on, especially when it has to do with your heart."

"I guess…I guess I was hoping it would go away again on its own, and…I wouldn't have to say anything. And I think I thought that maybe telling you, somehow would make it more real. And maybe ignoring it would make it easier to handle. And I'm frustrated that it's happening again, Skye. Things have been going so well. Our sex life has been amazing, and my health has been good, aside from my tailbone and hip pain, but I'm living with it. I just didn't want to accept that we had one more thing to deal with. I didn't want you to be burdened with one more problem."

Skye sighed. "I get that, River. I do. But this is a big deal. And I'm your husband. I want to know when you aren't well. That's what marriage is. We take care of each other, and carry each other's burdens."

River's eyes blazed. "God, Skye, it's not that easy!" He almost shouted, but there were tears stinging at the corners of his eyes too. "Especially when I'm the one in the relationship with all the problems. I'm the one with the mental health issues and the physical health issues, and what do I carry for you, or even with you? Nothing, because your life wasn't a hell hole before we met." Tears slid down his cheeks now. "It's not like I have a burden, for fuck's sake. I am the goddamn burden! And I'm tired of it! I just want to be normal. Healthy. I want to be okay, and not have you worrying about me, or taking care of me all the time. I just…" He growled and grabbed a pillow off the couch before throwing it across the room, hard and then stood up from the couch and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him, making Skye flinch.

Skye ran his fingers through his hair and sat back down on the couch, letting out a heavy sigh. Three months. They'd had three months of relative normalcy. River had had some headaches but no full blown migraines, thanks to the medication he was on. His tailbone still bothered him and he still carried his seat cushion everywhere he went. They couldn't travel far but they'd managed a week long trip out to a state park nearby. They'd rented an RV so that they'd be more comfortable, and enjoyed fishing, swimming, sitting out by the campfire, stargazing, and just relaxing and getting away from it all. And it had been wonderful.

The best part was that despite the issues with River's tailbone he was still able to enjoy anal sex. He was sore afterwards but he said it was worth it, and he did stretches and iced if necessary, or had Skye massage his glutes which seemed to help.

River's flashbacks had been less and less frequent, his nightmares had been almost nonexistent, and he was right. Their sex life had been pretty great. Things had been good over the last few months. And now to have this staring them in the face again. No wonder River hadn't wanted to tell him. They'd had so little reprieve and he wasn't ready to say goodbye to it. He couldn't face that things were going downhill again so soon.

"Skye," he heard, and looked up to see River standing in the doorway to their bedroom. He had tears drying on his cheeks and his hands stuffed in his pockets, and he wouldn't meet Skye's gaze.

"Hey, Riv," Skye said, softly.

"I'm sorry," River said, still crying. "I didn't mean to get so angry. But I guess I just am, Skye. I am angry. I just…I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I just don't know what to do."

"Hey, come here," Skye said, and stood, and River went to him and they hugged, and River cried into his shirt. "It's okay," Skye said. "It's okay for you to be angry, angel. And sad. It's okay for you to feel whatever you feel. This sucks. I get it."

River sniffled. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said.

"I think I get it now, why you didn't," Skye said, rubbing his back. "But please, promise you won't keep secrets from me anymore."

River sighed. "I promise," he said, as Skye pulled back and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Will you let me drive you to work?" Skye asked. "I really don't like the idea of you being behind the wheel, River. It scares me."

"Skye, I don't…" he started. But then his eyes met Skye's, and he nodded. "Okay," he said, reaching over to stroke his cheek, and Skye relaxed.

"Okay," Skye said. "And if it gets worse you are going back to the cardiologist."

River nodded and Skye kissed him.

Skye

River had gone back to the cardiologist after the palpitations hadn't gone away, and had actually grown more frequent. He'd had them happen a couple of times at work, and had had to find a place to lie down in the middle of a session with a client before he passed out, and Skye knew he was becoming increasingly frustrated and worried about losing his job if it kept up. So far he'd been able to hide it from his boss, but he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to. If his episodes lasted longer than a minute or happened back to back he would be in trouble.

Unfortunately the cardiologist said there wasn't much they could do other than trying a different medication. They ran all of the same tests they'd done previously over again just to make sure nothing had changed, but when those all came back the same as before, they were back to not having any answers.

River seemed to be developing new symptoms every other week that had Skye worried and confused, and River becoming more upset.

Along with the palpitations he was also having nearly constant chest pain that couldn't be explained, along with dizziness, brain fog, nausea, lightheadedness, even when his heart wasn't acting up, and he was exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep he got. He felt weak, and had developed an intolerance for exercise. Just being on his feet all day for work was exhausting.

His thermoregulation was off. He'd be freezing cold one minute and frying hot the next, even though the temperature in the house hadn't changed a bit. He'd lost his appetite and Skye was more than aware of how much weight he'd lost in the last couple of months. His toned, muscular body had become frail and thin.

His body was falling apart in front of them, and neither of them knew why, or what to do, and neither it seemed, did the doctors.

They'd gotten River in to see the neurologist again, and they'd done more blood work and muscle tests, and nerve tests, but hadn't found anything that could explain his symptoms. They visited a rheumatologist next who did not have any answers for them either and River was beside himself with grief and frustration.

Next was a colonoscopy and an endoscopy just to make sure the reason for River's lack of appetite wasn't anything internal or parasitic, or cancerous, and it wasn't. And for that Skye was grateful of course, but he felt so helpless. Like his hands were tied, and all he could do was watch as his husband suffered and withered away.

Each time he took River into his arms and felt how thin he had become, he had to keep himself from crying. And he had to tell himself that he wouldn't break River if he hugged him too tightly.

"Skye, you won't hurt me," River said, as they stood in the kitchen one day after coming back from an appointment with a nutritionist. They'd decided they needed to do something to get River to gain some of his weight back. He'd lost thirty pounds in two months, and Skye was really starting to worry.

Tears fell down his cheeks as he tightened his grip around River and felt his husband's hair tickling the side of his face.

"I'm scared for you, River," he said.

"I know," River said. "Me, too, Skye."

River

River did his best to force himself to eat but he couldn't stomach food, so Skye started making him smoothies for breakfast and dinner. He would have the occasional banana or granola bar, but sometimes he wouldn't even finish them. Other than that he survived mostly on protein shakes, because drinking was easier than eating. Still he ended up losing another five pounds.

He'd started feeling even more lightheaded and foggy, and it got considerably worse when he went from laying down to sitting or from sitting to standing. It got to the point where he would have to sit up or stand very slowly so that he didn't risk toppling over again once he did get back on his feet, and it made him feel like a ninety year old, especially when he had to grab on to the wall or the counter or whatever other sturdy structure was nearby for support to help him walk the first few steps until he got his bearings straight. Being on his feet for any length of time at all was exhausting and only made the lightheadedness and dizziness worse.

But it wasn't until he passed out at work that he knew he was in real trouble. And when it happened three times in one month he knew that he couldn't keep up with the workload anymore, on top of all of his symptoms. So it wasn't a surprise when his boss called him into his office one afternoon and with sympathy in his eyes, told him that he was being let go.

River knew this was coming. It wasn't fair to his clients or his coworkers to keep him on, he knew that. He really wasn't doing well, and he didn't have any business being there. His boss didn't seem upset with him, just concerned. But River still felt sick to his stomach when he finished up for the day and thought about how he would tell Skye that he was no longer employed.

How would they afford their home on just Skye's salary? How would they pay for all of the medical bills they had piling up?

He kept himself together during the drive back to their condo. Skye kept glancing at him and River was fully aware that Skye knew something was wrong and was waiting for him to talk, but he didn't.

He couldn't. Not yet.

When they got inside Skye kissed his temple. "I'm gonna make dinner," he said, then walked into the kitchen. River was grateful that Skye wasn't pushing him.

He nodded and went to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, and as soon as his head hit the pillow, he began to cry.

Skye

"Hey, Riv," Skye said, poking his head into the room a half an hour later. He moved into the room and sat on the edge of the bed next to his husband. "Dinner's ready. You wanna talk first or eat first?"

River sniffled and wiped his eyes. "I'm not very hungry."

"I made you a smoothie," Skye replied, hoping he could get River to consume something, especially if it was already made. They'd had to buy him all new clothes in the past couple of months because of all the weight he'd lost, and the arms and chest that once felt so firm and strong against him were so thin and frail.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" Skye asked, resting a hand on River's hip.

"I've lost everything, Skye," he cried. He closed his eyes tightly as the tears slid down his cheeks and his shoulders shook with sobs.

Skye reached up and stroked his fingers through River's hair. "What do you mean?"

"My independence, my freedom, my health, and now my…" River's breath hitched as he tried to choke out the words. "They….they let me go, Skye. I don't have a job anymore."

Skye's heart was hammering in his chest. He couldn't deny the panic that was filling his mind, but he had to do everything he could to keep River from seeing it. Right now his husband needed his support and comfort. He'd find time later to freak out about their financial situation.

"I'm so sorry, Skye," River said, wiping tears from his eyes. "I know this puts us in a horrible situation. I don't know how we're going to manage?—"

"Shhh," Skye interrupted, moving his fingers to stroke River's cheek. "Not right now, angel," he said. "We'll worry about that later. This isn't your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I know how hard you worked to get your degree, and how much you love your job. I'm so sorry, baby."

River looked him in the eyes for the first time since he'd sat down. "Will you hold me?" he asked.

Skye leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and then crawled around and laid behind him and scooped River into his arms.

"You haven't lost me," he whispered, and he felt River pressing even closer to him, and held him even tighter.

River

River awoke that night feeling unusually cold, and when he reached behind him, he realized why. Skye wasn't in the bed. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, noticing that the bedroom door was closed and there was a light on on the other side. He picked up his phone and squinted at it.

Two-thirty am.

What was Skye doing up at this hour?

River slid his glasses on before slowly sitting up, then standing. His vision started to blur and he swayed, but gripped the dresser for a moment, before his vision cleared again and he felt well enough to walk.

He pulled his robe on before opening the door and shuffling out to find his husband sitting at the dining room table with the laptop open.

"Skye?" he said groggily. He wrapped his arms around himself and squinted at his husband.

Skye's head jerked up at the sound of River's voice and he had a look on his face like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar as he bit his lip.

"Hey, Riv," he said, closing the lid to the laptop and running his hand over his thigh. "What are you doing up?"

"I was gonna ask you the same question," River said, stepping closer to Skye and running his fingers through his hair. "I woke up ‘cause I was cold and you were gone."

Skye sighed and wrapped his arm around River's waist, pulling him gently onto his lap. "I'm sorry, angel," he said. "I guess I just couldn't sleep."

"What are you doing?" River asked, gesturing to the computer.

Skye shrugged. "Just stuff." He pressed a kiss to River's cheek.

"Skye," River eyed him, still stroking his fingers through his husband's hair. "Be honest with me."

Skye sighed again. "I'm looking at our finances," he admitted. "I was hoping I could do it without you noticing. I didn't want to stress you out."

River frowned. "You were going to have to tell me eventually."

"I know, but I was hoping to have a plan of action before I brought anything to your attention."

"How's it look?"

Skye bit his lip again. "Not good," he admitted. "Your salary was a big chunk of everything. You made more than I did, and with all the medical bills and the school loans still needing to be paid off…I don't know."

River's frown deepened. "I'm sorry. I feel like this is all my fault."

Skye shook his head. "River, we've been over this." His voice was gentle but stern. "It's not your fault. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just stating the facts, what's going through my head, so we can figure it out, okay?" Skye pressed a kiss to River's shoulder and nuzzled it with his nose.

"I just feel bad, Skye," River replied, not looking at his husband. "It's all my medical bills, and my school debt, and you wouldn't have any of it if you hadn't married me. And now you're stuck with trying to figure out how to pay it off on your own."

"River, stop," Skye said, in a way that made River turn to him, their eyes locking. "You know what, you're right. I wouldn't have any of those things if I hadn't married you, and I wouldn't have to deal with it, but you know what else I wouldn't have if I hadn't married you? You, River. And I wanted you. And everything that came with you. The day we got married those bills and debt became ours, remember? Ours, not yours. And we're going to figure this out. Feeling bad isn't going to help the situation. And I don't regret marrying you. You damn well better know that."

River bit his lip. "Yeah," he said. "If it helps, I think I can apply for disability. And my boss did say that if I start feeling better they'd be happy to take me back, but I don't think we can count on that."

Skye nodded.

River stroked his husband's hair again and kissed the side of his head. "Can we deal with the rest of this in the morning? I'd like to go back to bed, with you. It's cold and lonely in there by myself."

Skye grinned. "Okay."

"I love you, Skye," River said as they snuggled up together under the covers.

Skye pressed a light kiss to River"s jaw and then nuzzled his neck with his nose. "I love you, too, angel," he said.