27. River

River was at work a few days later when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, expecting to see a coworker, and was speechless when he saw Anna standing in front of him.

"Hi Riv," she said, smiling softly. "I hope it's okay that I'm here. I know you are working so I'll make it quick. But, um, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your reception the other night, and I wanted to give you this." She handed him a small white box with a ribbon tied around it.

"Thank you," River said, taking it from her. He reached forward and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Anna. For everything. You helped me see myself for who I really was, helped me realize what I really wanted. And you did it with grace and love. And that means everything to me. Thank you."

Anna smiled. "You're welcome, River. I'm glad you are happy."

"And you?" River asked, pulling away. "Are you happy?"

Anna's smile widened. "I am," she said. "We've been missing you at church. And we'd love to see you both there if Skye's up for it."

River sighed. "Thanks," he said. "I'm still struggling to sit down for very long, so that's why I haven't been back. It's too painful. That on top of the migraines… I've been watching the sermons at home. I'd love to come back, if things get better. I'm not so sure about Skye, though. It's not really his thing, and I'm not gonna push him."

"I understand," Anna said, sincerely. "And I hope things do get better. You know our doors are open to everyone." She eyed him as if asking if maybe his relationship with Skye was the reason he'd been staying away this whole time and not his health problems.

"I know," River said. "I do. It's not that, Anna. I feel safe there. I promise. One of the reasons I chose that church was because of their acceptance of the LGBTQ community."

She paused for a moment and then bit her lip. "Pastor Phillips asked about you. I told him you were having some health struggles. I hope that's okay."

River gave her a soft smile. "Yes, that's fine. He actually called me to check and see how I was doing and I filled him in. He said you were praying for me, which I appreciate. And I told him about Skye and the wedding. He was very happy for us and said he'd love to have us both there if I'm doing better in the future."

Anna gave him a slight smile and rested her hand on his arm. "Okay," she said. "Take care, River." She stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek and then walked away.

River waited until he was on his lunch break to open the gift from Anna. Inside was a gift card to the movie theater with the reclining seats, which was the only one he and Skye could go to on their dates, along with a Doordash gift card, which meant they could have dinner and a movie in comfort without River worrying about his tailbone.

Perfect date night combo, I thought. Congratulations, River and Skye. Love, Anna.

River was hopeful that he and Skye could take the next step in their intimacy fairly soon. He longed to have Skye inside of him, making love to him. And maybe this date night would be the perfect precursor.

"Hey, Skye?" River said as they lay in bed a few nights later, after enjoying their gift from Anna.

"Hmm?" Skye asked. His eyes went wide when River sat up and straddled him.

"Holy shit," he said, gripping River's hips. He didn't even try to keep the surprise out of his voice.

River smiled. "I had fun with you tonight." He rested his hands on Skye's chest, and looked into his eyes.

"Yeah," Skye said, in barely a whisper. He swallowed. "Me too, Riv."

River reached up and brushed his fingers through the blond waves falling over Skye's forehead. Tears sprang to his eyes. "Remember when we were in college and you told me that I still got to choose who I give myself to?"

Skye nodded. "Yeah." He reached up to wipe away River's tears, but realized his own eyes were starting to water now, too. River's eyes met his.

"I choose you, Skye," he said. He lowered himself onto his husband, their bodies flush, and kissed his neck, and then his jaw, tears still falling, mingling with Skye's. "I choose you," he said again. "Make love to me."

"Are you sure?" Skye asked. And River nodded.

"What about your tailbone? Will it hurt?"

"I don't know. But I would like to try."

ButwhenRiver was under Skye a few moments later, his husband pushing inside him for the first time, his heart rate started to spike, and it wasn't for the reason he would have liked. And neither was the sweat that was beading his forehead. He couldn't breathe, and he started to shake as Skye pressed further inside him.

"Skye, stop," he said, barely choking the words out, shame washing over him, tears spilling down his cheeks. He hated this. Everything had gone so well for them so far, and he didn't want to be afraid of his husband. But he was having a full blown anxiety attack right now, in the middle of sex, and he knew it.

"River? What's wrong?" Skye asked. "Shit, did I hurt you?"

River shook his head. "Please get off," he said, hating himself even more, the tears falling even harder now. He wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this was happening. That he wasn't asking his husband to pull out of him when he'd finally decided he wanted to try and bottom for the first time. He'd felt so ready. He'd wanted this, needed it, even. Skye inside him. Wanted to feel this closeness and connection to his husband, but as soon as Skye's cock pushed inside him it was like he wasn't in control anymore, his memories were. And instead of being in bed with the man he loved, sharing the sweet, beautiful connection that he'd craved, he was back in that dark alleyway, pressed up against a rough, brick wall, gagged, hands clasping his wrists and pinning him in place even as he struggled, and cried out, sobbing as he heard those familiar voices, the taunts, the laughter, felt his pants being unbuttoned and tugged down, the humid air against his bare skin, knowing he couldn't stop what they were about to do to him.

Cold fingers pressing against his hole, making him sob and shake his head. A rough hand gripping his cock, making him squirm. Bile rising up his throat.

We're going to make you feel good, righteous boy. You'll thank us later.

"Okay." Skye slid out of River as quickly and gently as he could, and laid down next to him. "You're okay," he said, rubbing his hand up and down River's arm. "You're safe."

We're doing you a favor.

River was trying to breathe, his body still shaking, tears still falling as Skye scooted closer and held him close.

Fuck, you feel that, righteous boy? You feel yourself getting fucked? Feels good, doesn't it? I'm gonna make you come. Right after I come inside you.

"Was it a flashback?" Skye asked.

My turn. Hold him down.

Fuck, he's hard.

Knew you would like it, virgin boy.

Not a virgin anymore.

Laughter.

River nodded. "I'm sorry, Skye. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, River," Skye cooed, "don't apologize." He kissed the top of River's head as he held him close, and River clung to him.

"I can still feel them, Skye," River sobbed. "They were laughing. I can still hear them whispering in my ear. I can still feel them pressed up against me, holding me down, their weight on me. I can feel them inside me, their breath on my skin, the way they smelled." River shook as he continued to sob.

"I begged them to stop. I cried and screamed through the gag but they wouldn't listen. And I hated myself when I came, because it felt like proof that I'd enjoyed it, or that I'd wanted it, even though I knew I didn't. And they left me there, gagged and half naked, covered in cum, and I couldn't stop shaking and vomiting and crying. And I wanted to rip my own skin off, so that I didn't have to live in what they had touched, or look at it. I couldn't stand to be in my own body. I felt so gross, so violated and ashamed, and I hated myself. I still do sometimes."

River felt another kiss against his hair. "You are beautiful, River," his husband said. "Inside and out. You shine so bright, baby. And you are not tainted. Not by what they did to you. Not by anything. You are so strong and amazing. And I love you. I'm so sorry that that is a part of your story. I wish to God it wasn't."

River soaked up Skye's words and let them wash over him, let them wrap around his heart and absorb some of the grief and pain that had been eating away at him for so long. He'd never told Skye his whole story before. But getting it out, sharing it with the person he loved more than anything, the person he longed for, trusted and felt safe with, was allowing those broken pieces of him to heal, bit by bit.

"I don't want to be reminded of what happened when I'm with you," he said. "I want you in me, Skye."

"We'll figure it out. And if we can't do it on our own, and you really want me in you, then there's always counseling like we talked about, right? It's probably not a bad idea for me to talk to your therapist anyway. It might help both of us. I'm on your side, angel."

River nodded, sniffling, and wiped away tears. "Yeah," he said. "You're right. I kinda hate the idea of talking about our sex life with someone, though."

Skye chuckled. "Trust me, angel, they've heard it all."

"I know. And if it helps me get closer to you, I'll do anything."

Skye

"Look at me," Skye said, gripping River's face in his hands and gazing into his sapphire eyes. "You're doing great. Breathe." He took a deep breath in and held it, and River followed, before they both released. "Again," Skye said, and they breathed in, held it for a count of five, and let it out. Skye stayed inside him, his cock not fully sheathed, but farther than it had ever been before. He grabbed his cologne off the nightstand and held it under River's nose. "Breathe," he said again, and River inhaled the scent of him, his body relaxing a bit more. "I've got you, angel. You're here, right now, with me, and you're safe. Breathe." Another breath in and out.

After several more attempts at bottoming and having minimal success without his anxiety spiking, River had decided to see his therapist again and explain the situation to her. Skye had joined him for the session in order to support his husband, but also because he knew it would benefit him as well. This was about both of them, not just River, and he wanted to know what he could do to help.

She had been kind and attentive, and had assured them both that what they wanted was achievable, but might take some time. She had applauded River for his openness and honesty with Skye, saying how important it was in the healing process to communicate his wants, needs, and fears with his partner, that it would help build the love and trust between them and strengthen their emotional bond, which would in turn help with their physical bond.

Then she had reminded River of the tools he could use when his anxiety attacks surfaced, encouraging him to use them when he wasn't having an attack so that they would be more readily available to him in the moments where he felt anxious or out of control. Skye knew River knew all of this after having been in therapy for a while, but it seemed like it was helping him to have a refresher, to remind him that he had tools to use when he needed them, and to have Skye by his side this time as well, absorbing everything he could.

She'd touched on coping mechanisms, such as breathing exercises, grounding techniques, like focusing on the senses, what he could see, touch, smell, taste, and hear in the moment, but had also given him some techniques specific to Skye, such as smelling Skye's cologne or body wash, or even his deodorant, to help bring River back to the present, and to the fact that he was safe, and with the man he loved. She explained that smelling something familiar was actually the quickest way to access happy memories as the part of the brain connected to the sense of smell was also the one closest to the part of the brain responsible for memory. She had also recommended having something nearby of Skye's to touch, that would help him when he was triggered, be it Skye himself, or something that reminded River of him, and their bond.

Other methods such as wiggling his toes or clenching and unclenching his fists could prove helpful as well. Or having a candy like a jolly rancher or a sour patch kid to suck on to help stimulate his salivary glands again, which halted when a person was afraid. This process could reactivate those glands, and remind River that he was in fact, safe.

Skye had purchased the sour patch kids, as River was most fond of them, and kept the bag on the nightstand in their bedroom, so they would have it when and if River needed it. He'd also placed his cologne there to give them quick access.

River had been using his coping techniques more and more over the past several weeks when he wasn't having an attack, and Skye could tell he was determined to make this work. To have Skye inside of him, making love to him.

Practicing with the tools in his toolbox had fallen by the wayside for the past several months because of his health issues, but he was doing better now and seemed to have the time and energy to put towards this goal.

Skye had seen River gripping his wedding ring and twisting it around his finger like he used to do with his "Rise" ring, and realized it was because he was practicing grounding himself. The ring, its coolness, weight, and probably the fact that it was a reminder of his union to Skye, seemed to ground him most of all.

They had tried penetrative sex two or three nights a week now for the past several weeks and River had made slow, steady progress. He'd lasted longer and longer each time Skye had entered him, by using the techniques their therapist had suggested, Skye coaching him when necessary. It wore River out, each and every time, but Skye knew they were getting there, and he was so damn proud of River.

"Should I keep going or come out?" Skye asked.

River took another deep breath, opening and closing his fists, then reached around and gripped his ring over Skye's back. He looked into Skye's eyes a second later. "Keep going," he said, determination in his voice.

Skye didn't argue. He pushed forward, his gaze locked with River's as his husband continued to take deep breaths in and out. Skye had tears stinging at the corners of his eyes when he finally bottomed out.

"You okay?" he asked, and River nodded. He still looked like he was having a hard time, but he was focused, present, and breathing in and out calmly.

"I'm safe," River whispered. He breathed in and out again. "I'm safe."

Skye rested his forehead against River's and sighed. "You're safe." He could feel River still playing with his ring over his back, could feel his chest rising and falling underneath him steadily. "I love you so much, baby. And I'm so freaking proud of you."

River smiled softly as tears filled his eyes. "I love you, too," he said. He reached up to brush the hair back from Skye's eyes.

Skye smiled. He pressed a kiss to River's forehead, which was slick with sweat. "I'm gonna come out now. You look exhausted." His husband had done so well, but he was clearly worn out from everything, and Skye didn't want to push him, emotionally or physically. So he pulled out slowly and they held each other as they drifted to sleep.

River

It was three days later when they tried again. River clung to Skye as his husband moved inside him, feeling the warmth of Skye's skin against his, inhaling his scent, his fingers gripping Skye's hair as he soaked up the pleasure, the connection, the oneness of their bodies coming together, tears sliding down his cheeks, because with every thrust, every kiss, every orgasm, from Skye, he felt loved, safe, and cherished. Skye was his home, his heart, his breath, and he never thought they would be here, that what had once been used as an act of cruelty, to break him, destroy him, was now being used to make him whole again. He'd never thought that having sex with the right person could help him heal, that being with Skye could mend the shattered pieces of his soul and turn them into something beautiful. He was healing a little more, every single day, because of Skye.

They came together, moaning each other's names. Skye inside of River, with River's legs wrapped around him, and River in Skye's hand.

River held Skye, his husband collapsed on top of him, both of them sated, and crying tears of joy, their bodies soaked in sweat, and as he stroked his fingers through Skye's hair with one hand and along his bare side with the other, he smiled warmly and sent up a silent prayer, thanking God for Skye, and for marriage, and for the beautiful gift of sex, and that he finally knew what it was like to be one, in every sense of the word, with the person he loved most in all the world.