14. Skye

"Hey, Riv, how was your Christmas?" Skye asked a week later when River stumbled out of his room around nine-thirty in the morning. His dark hair was tousled and he wore a gray T-shirt and plaid flannel pajama pants. Skye couldn't help smiling at how adorably rumpled River looked as he blinked behind his black frames. He took his glasses off and wiped them on the hem of his shirt, lifting it just enough to give Skye a peek of his flat, toned stomach and the trail of dark hair leading down to the waistband of his pants and disappearing underneath. His mouth watered and his dick twitched but he managed to hold in his groan.

River slid his glasses back on and yawned, with no fucking clue how completely captivated Skye was by him. How much he turned Skye on. How fucking beautiful he was. How much Skye ached to touch him, kiss him, make love to him. How desperately he wanted River to be his. How Skye would feel complete if he could just spend the rest of his life taking care of River, and loving him to the best of his ability, knowing that River loved him back.

"It was fine," River said, then ran his fingers through his mussed hair. "Sometimes I wish I had more family to celebrate with, but at least I have my aunt. I told her about Anna and I breaking up. She said she was sorry, but she didn't seem surprised." He shrugged. "She slept in your bed. I hope that's okay. I changed the sheets and stuff."

"Of course," Skye told him. "Not a problem."

"How's your tailbone?" he asked as he handed River his coffee and watched him smile. "Doing any better?"

"It's a little better. Still having trouble sitting for long periods of time, though, or without my seat cushion at all. I don't think I'm ever getting rid of that thing. I'm still doing therapy for it. Getting rid of the scar tissue seems to be helping but it's not a cure all, unfortunately, and I've had to have my tailbone re-positioned multiple times because it doesn't want to stay in place."

Skye smiled softly at him. "You know that ring on your finger, Riv?"

River looked at it. The one that said, ‘Rise'. "What about it?"

"You live up to that, every single day. You're amazing, and strong. And I'm so proud of you."

River gave a soft smile and his cheeks pinkened. "Thank you."

River's phone rang just then and he walked into his room to answer it.

Skye heard him say a hello, and then something muffled, followed by several minutes of silence. When River walked back out of the room with the phone in his hand, he looked dazed, shell-shocked, and a bit unsteady. Like he wasn't quite sure he believed whatever he'd just heard on the phone.

"River?" Skye said, moving closer to him. "Is everything okay?"

But River was still in a daze and now tears were starting to form in his eyes. His knees gave out and he collapsed, his breath coming in short gasps, as he let out a broken, choked sob. Skye knelt next to him as he shook and wept, gathering him in his arms. "My aunt…" River choked out between sobs, "there was an accident." Then he was pressing closer as Skye's arms enveloped him, his hands rubbing up and down River's back and arm, Skye's forehead pressed to River's temple. River turned, burying his head in Skye's neck, his body shaking as he wept, his arms wrapping around Skye's shoulders, and Skye hugged him tighter, his arms sliding around River's waist as he pulled his friend close. River was practically in his lap now. "She's dead," he wailed. The anguish poured off of him in waves, and Skye couldn"t help the tears that filled his eyes now, too.

Fuck. No. Not this. River doesn't need any more shit to deal with. Not this. Not Jodi. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

As tears fell from Skye's eyes he held River close and let him weep. This beautiful warrior who never seems to be done fighting, losing, enduring. "I'm so sorry, River," he whispered. He kept one arm around his friend's waist and the other moved to the back of River's neck. He stroked the short hairs there, and River folded into him even more.

Skye promised himself that he wouldn"t let go until River did.

"Riv, can I do anything for you?" Skye asked later that day after River had called his boss to talk about taking some time off for bereavement and a trip to Cincinnati for Jodi's funeral.

"I think I'm gonna go lay down," his friend said. "I'm feeling pretty drained. Thank you, Skye." His eyes were red and puffy from all of the crying he'd already done, and he looked exhausted in every sense of the word. And Skye knew this was only the beginning.

River puttered off to his room and shut the door, and didn"t come back out for hours.

Around five o'clock, Skye decided to check on him and see if he was awake and wanted to eat something, so he knocked on the door softly.

"Come in," he heard River say. When he opened the door, River was wiping tears from his eyes and sniffling.

"Hey, came to see if you're hungry. Can I bring you anything?"

"I don't really feel like eating," River said, sitting up. "But I probably should."

"Soup sound okay?"

River nodded and Skye headed to the kitchen to start on his spinach and tortellini soup. It was one of River's favorites and Skye was hoping it would help comfort him, even a little. When it was ready he brought it to River's room, and his heart shattered when he saw River sitting in bed, against his wedge pillow that Skye had bought him, staring into the distance as silent tears spilled down his cheeks.

"Hey." Skye sat on the side of the bed next to him. "It's ready. Try to eat something." He handed the bowl and spoon to River and brushed his thumbs over his friend's cheeks, wiping away his tears.

River took the bowl but didn"t touch the spoon for the longest time. Finally he looked up at Skye and said, "Would you stay with me?" His voice was so broken, just a shell, and Skye nodded.

"Of course." He ran his fingers through River's hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead, his heart lifting at the thought that just his presence might be a comfort to River right now. He sat on the bed next to his friend, pillows propped up behind himself, and he smiled when River started eating. He smiled even more when River finished in only a few minutes. Then Skye took their dishes and brought them out to the kitchen before coming back to check on River and deliver a glass of water.

River took the glass gratefully and drank it down. "Do you still want me with you?" Skye asked.

River's cheeks reddened a little and he nodded. "If that's okay." He rubbed his arm with his hand. "I don't want to be alone right now. And my bed is more comfortable than the couch."

"It's always okay," Skye said, climbing back onto the bed. "Do you want me to set up the laptop so we can watch something?"

"Sure," River shrugged. "You can turn on anything. I don't really care."

So Skye set the laptop up on the bed and turned on Disney's Up.

River raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"What?" Skye said. "It's cute. I like Dug."

River smiled ever so faintly, and that made Skye's heart soar. Being able to put a smile on his face in the midst of such a difficult time was priceless.

Half way through the movie River removed his wedge and replaced it with his regular pillow so he could lay down. Skye decided to join him.

"Skye?" River said, a moment later, his voice filled with exhaustion and defeat.

"Ready for bed?" Skye asked, looking over at him.

River nodded.

Skye sat up and closed the laptop, then stood and moved it off the bed. He was heading towards the door with it in his arms when River said, "You could sleep in here."

Skye smiled. "I will. Just let me put the laptop away and change, and I'll be right back." He could tell River didn't want him gone for even that amount of time, but his friend nodded.

Skye returned a few minutes later after changing into pajama pants and a T-shirt. He had also brushed his teeth and used the bathroom. He slipped under the covers once again and turned off the bedside lamp.

River was pressed up against him moments later, his warm body clinging to Skye as if for dear life, and Skye heard his sniffles again. He took River in his arms and held him close, rubbing his hand up and down his friend's back and arm, pressing a kiss to his hair as he shook softly and cried.

And Skye almost cried, too, but for a different reason. I love you, and I only wish I could tell you. He pressed another kiss to River's hair, lingering a little longer than necessary, and drinking in the smell of his watermelon and coconut body wash as he drifted to sleep.

"Hey," Skye said, smiling slightly at River when he felt him rousing the next morning. The sunlight was peeking through the curtains, casting a warm light over the navy blue comforter. River shifted against him and then yawned. Skye expected him to move away, but instead he snuggled closer, his head resting on Skye's chest, his dark hair tickling Skye's chin.

"Thank you," River murmured into his chest, his eyes still closed.

"For what?" Skye ran his fingers through River's hair and heard him let out a sigh.

"Staying with me," his friend said. "I'm sure I slept better than I would have if you weren't here." He tilted his face now and looked up at Skye with those gorgeous sapphire eyes. Still red, still puffy. But still beautiful. River had always been so beautiful despite his pain and heartache. So strong, so brave, so resilient, and so fiercely determined to make the best life he could for himself even after everything he'd been through. To be happy, despite everything. These last few months had been hell for him, though, and Skye had a feeling his resolve was wearing thin. He hated that for him. He hated that he couldn't seem to catch a break lately. He would do anything, be anything, say anything, to make it all okay again.

He realized that he was just staring at River, now, and that River was staring back at him. Maybe they should be moving, getting up, getting started on their day, but he couldn"t seem to force himself to care about anything but the feel of River in his arms. Warm and rumpled, safe and his. He felt so perfect here, so right nestled into Skye's side as he held him close. "How are you feeling?" he asked, starting to stroke River's hair.

"Sad," River replied. "Still processing everything, honestly. I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot more crying today."

"Cry as much as you need to," Skye told him. "I'm not going anywhere." River blinked, his gaze never leaving Skye's. His hand reached up and he started to stroke Skye's cheek gently, making his breath hitch. He'd never touched Skye this way before. Please tell me what's going on, Skye wanted to beg. His heart felt like it was on a roller coaster with all of the signals River had been giving him lately. He didn't know if his friend was seeking comfort, or if he really was falling in love with him, too, and discovering his sexuality like Jaden thought he might be. But the way he touched Skye now, once again, just like the time in the car when River had taken his hand, felt so…intimate.

River's gaze stayed locked on Skye's when he spoke. "You have beautiful eyes, Skye."

Skye swallowed and butterflies swarmed in his stomach, threatening to burst out. "You're just now noticing that?" Skye asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"No," River said. "I'm just now saying it." It was so sincere, Skye felt like someone had just punched him in the sternum. He wanted so badly to tell River how he felt, to figure out what all of this was that was going on between them.

But instead, he reached up and took River's hand away from his cheek, smiling at him. "I think I need some coffee," he said. "And I have to pee."

River nodded and moved away to let Skye get up. They both used the bathroom and brushed their teeth, but didn't bother getting changed just yet.

Skye made waffles for breakfast, complete with strawberries and whipped cream, and to his delight River ate every last bite.

After breakfast they showered, changed, and then headed to the grocery store. Skye offered to do it alone but River told him he could use the distraction.

He was, however, crying again on the way home.

"Go rest," Skye told his friend when they got inside the condo. "I'll put away the groceries."

River didn't argue with him, just took off his coat, scarf, and gloves and kicked off his shoes before sauntering to his room.

When Skye peeked his head in the room a few minutes later he was lying down in bed. "Anything I can get you?" he asked.

River shook his head, then turned to look at Skye and wiped tears from his eyes. "I'll come out if I need anything."

Skye nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

The next morning, Skye peeked his head into River's room. His roommate had his suitcase splayed out across the bed, barely anything in it. He shuffled through his dresser, not grabbing anything, and Skye was pretty sure he was trembling. He didn't blame his friend one bit. He was overwhelmed, that much was clear. He'd already had to deal with all of the funeral arrangements by himself, and that had been difficult enough for him. He'd been crying on and off, and getting very little sleep even when he did try to rest. He'd talked some, expressing how he wasn't sure what he was going to do now that he didn't have any family left, while Skye held him and tried to soothe him as best he could. And now Skye watched as River shoved about a dozen pairs of socks and underwear into his suitcase haphazardly, tears sliding down his cheeks and his chest heaving. He looked utterly wrecked and exhausted.

When Skye stepped further into the room and pulled River into a hug, his friend melted against him. And when Skye pulled away and pushed his own loaded suitcase towards the bed, River just blinked, bewildered.

"What's that?" he asked, sniffling and wiping tears from his cheeks.

"My suitcase," Skye told him, sitting down on the foot of the bed, sideways.

River stared at him and sat partially on the bed beside Skye, his leg tucked under him and his other foot on the floor. "Your what?" He looked from Skye to the suitcase and then back again, as if needing proof that they were actually a package deal, and that Skye wasn't pulling his leg.

"My suitcase," Skye repeated, with a slight chuckle at River's reaction. "I can't let you go on this trip alone, Riv. You're my best friend. I know how close you were to Jodi. And she meant something to me, too. I want to be there, for you and for her."

River's lips were on his. River's lips were on his. And his hands were on Skye's face. Holy fucking shit. His brain was short circuiting. River was kissing him. Hard. And it took the breath out of him. He sucked air in through his nose and grunted. His eyes were still open. He was stunned. River's thick, beautiful, perfect lips were on his. He wanted to kiss River back, to close his eyes and take this incredible moment in, but he was too slow, too slow to respond. And he didn't know where to put his hands, and he was caught so off guard.

As soon as he closed his eyes, River's hands were gone, and his lips were gone, and the heat from his body being so very close to Skye's was gone. The perfect, beautiful moment Skye had envisioned in his head for months, for years, was gone. And when he opened his eyes again, River was standing several feet away, his eyes wide, breathing heavily. He looked absolutely terrified.

"I…I didn't." His voice trembled. "I'm sorry," he said, then walked past Skye and out of the room.

River

River couldn"t get out of the condo fast enough. He threw his coat and shoes on and headed out the front door before Skye had a chance to come after him. He didn't know where he was going but he didn't care. He just started walking.

It was bone chillingly cold, especially without his scarf and gloves, or a hat, all of which he'd forgotten in his haste to leave, but at least that made it easier to think. And what exactly had he been thinking when he'd kissed Skye just now?

I love you. That's what he'd been thinking when he grabbed Skye's cheeks and pressed his lips to his. I love you. He'd always loved Skye. But this, this feeling that has been stirring inside of him for the past few months, that made him want to touch Skye, and look at Skye, and be with Skye, and have Skye close to him, that feeling that made his stomach do those weird somersaults, that had his heart beating a little faster when Skye did those super sweet things for him, was a different kind of love than what he'd felt for Skye most of his life.

Your heart belongs to someone else, River.

He stopped walking as his breath caught in his throat and the cold air bit at his skin. She knew. Anna knew this whole time how River felt for Skye. That's why she had broken up with him. But that thought terrified River. What if Skye didn't feel the same way about him? He could have just ruined a life-long friendship with one stupid kiss. God, what was he thinking? There were so many things that could go wrong with this. He knew Skye found him attractive, but that wasn't the same as being in love with him. Even if he did reciprocate River's feelings, he knew Skye's penchant for sex, and he didn't know how he was going to navigate a sexual relationship with another man, even if he did love him and find him attractive.

Even with Anna, and the level of intimacy they had shared, River rarely got an erection. And they had never had sex. But sex with a man was a whole new concept for him, one that he had never really considered, because he didn't think it was even in the realm of possibility. He was only ever interested in girls, until now.

And maybe that's why he'd resisted kissing Skye and touching him, and looking at him in the ways that he truly wanted to for as long as he had. Because underneath it all, he was scared that he couldn't give Skye the sexual intimacy he knew his friend needed and deserved.

River hardly ever cursed but this seemed like an appropriate moment for it. "Fuck," he whispered to himself, rubbing his hands over his face. I'm bisexual, or gay, I don't know. Bisexual, I think. I mean, I still find girls attractive. Whatever I am, I"m definitely not straight. I'm in love with Skye. I"m in love with my best friend.

His ears, nose, and fingers were turning numb now, and as much as he hated the idea of facing Skye, he knew he couldn't avoid him forever, so he turned and started making his way back home.

They had a lot to talk about.