Chapter 5

Chapter 5StellaThe light Clarissa got in her eyes when she came around the corner and into the room with a Santa Claus sitting next to a big Christmas tree—the way she drew into herself with such a gasp and so much excitement it looked like she might just burst—it made all the exhaustion of this thing worth it.It was still a lot of exhaustion, though, I couldn’t lie.The workers went all-out, dressed up in cartoonish outfits as Santa’s helpers, and there were a good half a dozen of them corralling a herd of excited kids around places. Honestly, even I was a little taken with the place, all cute Christmas wonder—a play Santa’s-workshop complete with a miniature train some of the smaller kids were riding around the shop. I led Clarissa through the shelves of toys that were probably wildly overpriced but that I knew I’d buy in a heartbeat for Clari, and when her eyes lit up at the station where a couple of the employees were showing kids through painting handmade toys to take home—obviously all as pitching in at Santa’s workshop—I knew I was biting the bullet and paying for Clarissa to join in.Honestly, she had a pretty good eye for painting. I’d expected a tacky neon-colored mess, but she got a toy reindeer and gave it a nice, cohesive color palette, except for the hot pink tips on its antlers. Reindeer needed their poppy accessories too, apparently.It was a good hour and a half of showing Clarissa through every part of the place, hearing her squeal over this part and that part, and as much as I adored her and loved seeing her excitement, my legs could only hold out for so long. So once we got through to the end of it all and I followed her into the room at the back where Santa was checking his list, and he set it down with a big jolly old laugh and put his arms out like he’d been waiting ages to see Clarissa, I was just relieved for a chance to stop walking.“Say hi to Santa, Clarissa,” I said, subtly giving him the name, and he took it and ran.“Clarissa! Oh, I’ve been waiting for you. You’ve been very nice this year, haven’t you!”“Santa Claus!” Clarissa looked like she might have cried, running forward and hugging him. “I was! Sorry about the refrigerator…”He gave me a look just short of laughing. I nodded, signaling him with a thumbs-up, and he patted her on the back. “Oh, don’t you worry, Clarissa. These things happen.”“I’m sure Clarissa’s extra-long letters to your workshop have been piling up all year…” I said idly. “Must be hard to find the time to read them all.”“Oh no, I definitely make time for all of little Clarissa’s letters,” he laughed. “They’re some of my favorites! I have a few of them hung up in one of my other workshops, because it means so much to hear from you.”Clarissa looked like she’d positively just burst. Discreetly, I snapped a photo of it, knowing how much Mom and Dad would love it.I was about dead on my feet on the way out, and I wasn’t the only one flagging—Clarissa slumped on my side as we headed for the doors, eyes drooping as she held her reindeer to her chest.“I’m so tired… can we go back?”“Of course, sweetheart. It’s just gonna be a bit of a walk, but I know you can be strong and make it back.”“I don’t wanna be strong…”Yeah, neither did I. “If you need to, we can find somewhere to sit along the way.”“Okay…”And in that moment, there was nothing that could have possibly been more magical to see than when I stepped out through the heavy old wooden doors and into the crispness of where the clouds had cleared into a crisp, bright winter day, and in the pale sunlight, Abigail sat on a bench across the square, holding two coffee cups, and she beamed at me and held one in my direction as she stood up. My heart jumped at the sight, and not just because of how badly I needed coffee right now.Next to me, Clarissa echoed my feelings, because she squealed and ran forwards, taking off from my side. “Abigail! Look at my reindeer! I met Santa and got on the train!”“Those are three distinct ideas with no lexical connection,” Abigail said, laughing as Clarissa thrust the reindeer up towards her. “Did your sister get you that reindeer?”Clarissa shook her head. “Nuh-uh! I made it myself.”“She did,” I said, joining them under the overhang of the wooden pavilion, by the streetlight dressed in garland and red ribbon. I dropped my voice. “Paint your own toy program…”A light danced in Abigail’s eyes as she looked back down at the reindeer. “You did a very good job making it. You’re quite the skilled hand in the workshop, aren’t you?”She clasped the reindeer at her chest, beaming. “Uh-huh! Santa said so, too. I think I’m the best one there.”“I love the confidence, kid,” Abigail laughed, turning back to me, handing over one coffee cup and a brown paper bag with it. “Thought you might be exhausted, so I grabbed you a coffee and a croissant.”“Abigail. Oh my god. You spoil me.” I took the coffee and the bag gratefully, sipping the coffee and closing my eyes with a contented sigh. “Oh… can we get married?”“Uh.” Abigail cleared her throat, but she didn’t get to say anything before Clarissa laughed.“You should get married! Abigail would be a great sister.” She made a face. “Much better than Faith.”“We’ll, uh, let you know if we do,” Abigail said, ruffling Clarissa’s hair. She giggled, and I gave Abigail a sweet smile.“This is exactly what I needed right now. Thanks. Did you manage to get a nap in?”“Mm-hm. Passed out for almost an hour. I feel like a new woman.”“Well,” I said, catching Clarissa by the shoulder as she slumped against my side again, “Clari’s tired, so what do you say we walk her back and then we can go out?”Abigail took a long sip of her coffee before she nodded. “Sounds like a plan. It’s calmer right now.”“Outside of the workshop, yes,” I laughed, falling in alongside her. I slipped a gloved hand down to hold Clarissa’s, and when Clarissa took Abigail’s hand in her other, I felt an impossibly soft feeling in my chest walking with the three of us linked like this.“You’re both so slow,” Clarissa said. Abigail squeezed her hand.“Thought you were wiped out.”Clarissa pouted. “I am, and you’re still too slow!”“We’re a couple of old ladies, you know,” I said. “Let us hobble.”“Please,” Abigail laughed. “I’m not elderly yet.”I waved my coffee cup in her direction. “Still with it enough to remember how I like my coffee, at least.”“Ah, well…” She looked away. “I hope your tastes haven’t changed.”“They did, actually. Then they changed back! Turned out I had it right the first time. This is perfect.”It wasn’t too long a walk back to the lodge, thankfully—just a bit shy of ten minutes, with us doddering old ladies, and the front door of the lodge opened in front of us as we kicked the snow off our boots. Mom stood there cradling a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows and a big smile reaching the corners of her eyes, which I hadn’t seen from her a lot over the past year.“Mommy!” Clarissa squealed before any of us could say anything, thrusting the reindeer out. “Look! I made him at the workshop!”“Oh, he looks perfect, sweetheart,” she said, kneeling and taking the reindeer as the three of us stepped inside. “Does he have a name?”Clarissa chewed her cheek. “Um… Deery.” She paused. “Or maybe Jemimah.”“Jemimah,” Mom repeated, eyes wide. Clarissa beamed.“Yeah! He’s Jemimah.”“Well… I love Jemimah. You did a great job with him.” She handed the reindeer back, turning to me. “I saw you three coming up,” she said. “Did you have fun?”“I’m ready to collapse,” I laughed. “But yeah. It was great. Abigail and I are just about to head back out, though.”She looked over us all with a fond smile before she turned back to me. “Don’t wear yourselves out too much, okay?”“I won’t. Abigail just bought me a coffee and a pastry, because she’s an angel and I love her.”Abigail looked away. “It’s just a little thing…”Mom squeezed my shoulder, dropping her voice. “Let me know what you spent at the workshop, and I’ll—”“Mom, relax. You’re not here to be an accountant. I didn’t spend too much, don’t worry, I’ve got it. Did you have a nice time back here?”She settled into an easy smile, holding up her cocoa. “Catching up with Georgia and John over cocoa, so all in all, not a bad way to spend a morning. Thank you again, sweetie.”“It’s my pleasure. Really.” I paused, glancing around. “Er… where did you even get that cocoa?”She laughed. “Charlie made it for us. I’m starting to think he actually is one of Santa’s helpers and there’s a little bit of Christmas magic in the back.”I’d have believed it, frankly.I knelt to give Clarissa one last big hug and gave quick hellos to Aunt Georgia and Uncle John before I bundled up tighter again and hopped down the steps to the street alongside Abigail, stumbling a little walking alongside her before she caught me with her shoulder against mine.“Bounce around like that and you’ll slip, hit your head,” she said.I nudged her side while I rustled through my bag for the croissant. “Hey, I’ve got you to catch me.”“I’m small. I can only catch so much.”“I believe in you.” I winked at her, taking a bite of the croissant, and I let out a long, contented sigh. Abigail looked away.“Hey… can I ask you something?”I brushed the crumbs from my mouth, the texture of my glove course on my lip. “What’s up?”She spoke quietly. “Are your parents getting divorced?”I almost dropped the coffee. I felt a hurtling sensation like my thoughts all slammed on the brakes, and I found myself stopping in my tracks, looking at her. “What?”“Your parents.” She turned to face me, putting her free hand in her pocket. I felt a clammy sensation in my hands, in my chest, and now it was my turn to not look right at her, focusing on the twinkling lights on the trees that lined the street.“I…” I hung my head. “Is it that obvious?”She relaxed. “Faith let it slip.”“Ugh, I’m going to kill her.”“Don’t. It was an honest mistake. She’s just a stressed-out kid.”I let out a long sigh, turning back towards the cute little café with a red-and-green striped awning that had the same logo as was on our cups. “Let’s sit down, my nose is going to freeze off.”It was blessedly warm inside, and the barista smiled at Abigail, a short girl with purple hair, her dye faded towards the tips. We ducked into the corner, a table secluded behind a garland-draped half-wall and up on a raised platform, close to where the speaker was playing Sam Smith’s Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I sat down next to Abigail, closing her into the corner—I knew she liked a small, secluded space like that, and sitting to give her that still came as naturally now as it had in high school—and I stared down at my coffee with a feeling like I was in the principal’s office.“So…” I started.“You know I’m not mad at you.”“I know. I guess.” I shifted. “I should have told you… I wish I’d told you. Wish I could have told you. They don’t want anyone finding out about it.”She raised her eyebrows. “How long are they planning to keep it a secret?”“Just until after the holidays… the family will tear them apart if they quote-unquote ruin Christmas bringing a divorce into things.”She softened, and she put a hand on my shoulder. Mom did it a lot—I did it a lot, picked it up from her—but there was something special about Abigail’s hand steadying me, keeping me from spiraling off into oblivion. “How long has it been going on?”I snorted. “Hell if I know. Nobody tells me things. I figured Faith would know better. She’s been at home a lot more than me.”“Faith said you probably know better than she does.”“Ugh. I guess they were both expecting the other to tell us what was happening.” I hung my head. “They decided to do it at least a month ago. I don’t know how long exactly. Probably not too much longer than that… I only found out a bit before we came here, and only because Mom let it slip while she was talking about something else.”She frowned. “It’s one thing to not tell your extended family, but your own kids?”“It’s really goddamn annoying, is what it is.” I caught myself, raking a hand over my face. “Ugh… sorry. I shouldn’t be complaining like this. I know it’s a lot for them and that it sucks. And if I were going through a divorce, I don’t think I would be handling it with perfect grace either.”“It’s really all right to be annoyed… you clearly give a lot of care, thought, and attention to your family. Seeing you with Julia and with Clarissa, it’s obvious. I think it’s reasonable to be frustrated when that kind of attention isn’t returned.”It felt like something balling up in my chest, something scratchy and raw, until I thought I would just burst open. I slumped onto Abigail, burying my face in her shoulder—I hadn’t meant to, but it was where my body took me, gravitating to her as the safe place I’d always known. Despite all the awkwardness that had been between us, she caught me with no hesitation, wrapping an arm around me.“I don’t want to be…” I couldn’t find words. It felt like I was sifting through snow trying to find something and it all just crumpled in my fingers. “I don’t want to be… whiny and annoying…”“Easy. Hey. We’ve all got to be whiny sometime or other. And you never annoy me.”“You say that, but you haven’t even been looking at me,” I said, the words tumbling out before I could catch them. I felt her tense up under me, and my face burned, but I couldn’t stop it now. “Did I do something wrong? You seem so uncomfortable half the time when I talk to you. Today has been wonderful, but you would barely look at me last night, and you still seem so on edge. If I did something to hurt you, I want to know… I want to make it better.”“It’s… it’s not that,” she said, her throat tight. I sat upright, pushing down the heaving feeling in my chest, and I touched a hand to her arm, gently.“You’re still not looking at me. If you’re angry at me, I at least want to know. It’s okay to be mad at me, but at least tell me.”“I’m not mad! I promise.” She turned back to me, giving me a look laced with guilt, wincing at me, and I shrank away just a little. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I-I’m trying. To be normal, I mean. Just… I just feel kind of rotten.”I swallowed. “Is it… about leaving Scotland? Coming back here?”“I… I guess?” She raked her fingers along her scalp, looking back down at her coffee again. I squeezed her shoulder, my heart beating faster.“Abigail… I want to know. Please? I hate not knowing such big parts of your life. I feel like… you’re right here but I miss you. A lot.” I winced. “I miss us. I don’t care if that’s corny.”She put a hand over her face, but I could see the flush on her cheeks. “Okay… okay. If I’m being honest, I, uh… I do too. Just… promise not to tell anyone?”My heart skipped a beat. I nodded, a little too quickly. “I promise. Just you and me.”“I… er, had a breakup. Right before I left Scotland.”My stomach sank. “Oh… Abigail. I’m sorry.”She cupped her coffee with both hands, hunching over it. “We were… pretty serious. Or I thought we were. We both agreed distance wouldn’t be a problem. And then right before I left, uh…” She cleared her throat. “Apparently, he, uh, decided distance was a problem.”She sounded so… awkward, stilted at the end, I had to imagine there was a lot more to it than just that. Still, I didn’t need to pry into all the details. My heart bled for her, looking so small and scared right now, and I just wanted to wrap her up and make sure nobody would ever hurt her again. “That’s awful,” I said, my voice low, putting a hand on her back. “Pulling the rug out from under you like that… I can’t imagine how that must feel.”“Yeah… no kidding.” She hung her head. “That was Monday.”“Of this week?”She nodded, solemnly. I felt sick.“Literally the day before you left, he broke up with you.”“Oh, er… yeah.”“That sucks. Oh, Abigail.” I pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tight. “You’re amazing. And you deserve a lot better than that. And I’m sorry he didn’t see you for all the amazing things you are.”“I don’t know about all of that…” She hunched her shoulders, and I gave her a squeeze.“I do. Anyone would be lucky to get to date you.”“Uh…” She cleared her throat hard.“I mean it! And I’m going to make you uncomfortable because you need to hear it. You’re a great listener, you always know when someone needs a little helping hand and you’re always there in just the right ways, and plus you’re damn smart—”“Stella. You’re killing me.” She looked away.“It’s hot that you can play the guitar—”“Oh my god.”“And besides, you’re honestly the prettiest person I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe there’s anyone who would pass up on you. You deserve better than that.”She put a hand over her face, mumbling something into it. She looked like she’d actually die at this point, so I let her have her second to recover, going back to my croissant and taking another bite. It took a long time for her to respond.“Um… thank you,” she mumbled, finally. “I don’t think I believe any of that, but… maybe in time.”“And you can take your time. Healing is a slow process. I’m sorry you have to be here acting all cheerful and happy while you’re still reeling.”“Mm…” She sipped her coffee, quiet for a while, before she said, “The same goes to you. Divorce is painful for everyone involved.”“Is it? I don’t know.” The subject felt miles away now, less raw. “Honestly, I’m relieved they are. I’d been waiting ages for them to get divorced.”“Divorces that are the right decision are also painful for everyone involved. It’s still a huge change and… and…” She gestured vaguely. “And people you love and care about are hurting. People you’re used to being strong are being vulnerable, scared. It’s a lot to take in. And you’ve always had a way of taking on everyone else’s pain and trying to make everything better for everyone around you…”I chewed my lip, kicking at the floor. “I guess when you put it like that… making sure everyone is okay and nobody’s fighting too much, it gets exhausting.”“So give yourself a break.”I looked away. “I will. After this trip.”“So, right when you’re back to classes? When do you actually take time for yourself?”“Ugh…”She nudged me in the side. “I spent too long away, clearly. You’ve gotten way too responsible.”I sipped my coffee, feeling broody and petulant. “If you want to sneak me out of state for a concert without telling anybody again, I’m game.”“I think that’s best as a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” she laughed. “I’d prefer not to make your parents hate me for life. But—tomorrow, let’s do something that’s not for other people.”“I’m already going shopping with you—”“To buy your mom a present,” she deadpanned. “After you just bought your sister a present! While taking her to a toy shop, and to get your parents some kid-free time to relax! No, I mean something actually for yourself.”I shifted awkwardly in my seat. “Um… like what?”“Let me surprise you.” She grinned, casting a glance out of the corner of her eye at me. “It’ll be fun.”Well… I didn’t know about that. I’d probably spend the whole time feeling like I needed to get back and check in on everybody.But did any of that really matter? What mattered was this feeling between us—that Abigail was looking at me normally again.What mattered was that maybe we would be okay again. And I knew I loved her to bits, but this realization that I wanted to go to the ends of the earth with her, if she’d have me… it was new.But I didn’t mind it in the least.