Chapter 2

Chapter 2AbigailI didn’t usually drive with the music off, but nothing felt right. Anything too upbeat felt like I was lying, but if I put on a ballad, I’d ugly-cry at the wheel, and... well, nobody needed that. At some points on the drive up to Bellsford, the silence felt like it was about to split my skull, and I’d turned on the radio, but everything was Christmas music right now, and Christmas cheer and magic was the last thing I needed in my life right now.So I kept rhythm to the spiraling thoughts in my head, holding the wheel while I drove through long, quiet roads in the mountains, watching snowy landscapes roll out around me. It was an hour’s drive, but it felt like a lifetime before I slowed down at the wooden archway with the letters BELLSFORD wrapped up in garland and lights glowing against the dimming night sky. The tiny brick street made a straight path down the entrance towards a square dominated by a giant Christmas tree dressed up in snow and ornaments, and as my beat-up hand-me-down SUV bumped and rolled over the brick road heading into the place, it turned out I hadn’t evaded the Christmas music after all.They certainly didn’t hold back on their Christmas-town branding—the old buildings with their classical wood construction looked like something out of a storybook, wooden gable roofs wearing coats of snow with icicles that hung with the strings of lights on the eaves, narrow paths dressed up with tinsel and silver bells. And even with my windows up, I could hear the soft sound of music playing from the square ahead—Silent Night. Brooke Carston’s version. Just had to be that one...A sign that looked like it should have been a prop in a kids’ Christmas movie pointed me to the dedicated parking lot, promising that Santa would take good care of my car while I was in town. I rolled my eyes, turning the tight bend and maneuvering into the small, crowded lot.“Good luck with this one, big guy,” I muttered, navigating to space 13, the one Julia had reserved for me. “Maybe the elves can figure out why the transmission keeps making that sound...”I got a pang at the sight of the midnight-blue SUV in space 12, the one Julia Jackson must have had... eleven years now. I hadn’t seen it since I’d started college, and I’d expected her to get a new one with the big raise her husband had gotten recently, but there it was. I felt like it was new again seeing it now, like I was ten years old and she came around to pick me up in it for the first time, and Stella had gotten out of the back to show off like it was her new car and not her mom’s.I should have been excited to see Stella again. Reconnect. Why did I have this sinking anxiety like I was going into an exam I wasn’t ready for?Having to keep a breakup quiet from the whole extended Jackson family, gathered here for Christmas, didn’t sound fun. I just had to hope my room wasn’t next to Stella’s. If I spent too much time with her… she’d always seen right through me.I parked the car and gathered myself, taking a long breath before I stepped out into the cold and the sound of chatter and children’s laughter coming from the square. Even with thick woolen mittens, I had to shove my hands in my pockets to keep my fingers from freezing off—a cold wind coming in off the street bit at my nose and tips of my ears, and I hunched my shoulders and walked quickly towards the warm, welcoming lights of the North Lodge, a covered patio entrance with railings wrapped in garland and tinsel and two big wreaths on the double doors. The floorboards squeaked and echoed under my footsteps, and I scraped the snow off my boots before I pushed open the door, stepping into warmth—and noise.The place was packed full, an entry hall with a vaulted ceiling and a massive Christmas tree so full of ornaments I couldn’t have fit another one on it for a million dollars, reaching up to where wooden rafters cut diagonal lines across the gabled ceiling space, back down to the thick windowsills with lights and tinsel, and dark wooden floorboards that creaked and groaned under the crowds of people packed into the room, talking and laughing together. I couldn’t even see the other side of the room past them all. Stella had told me she had a lot of family, but I’d been… maybe unprepared.Crowds. I was going to be sick.“Abigail!” A woman’s voice called out through the crowd—with all the noise making my head feel like it was full of cotton balls, I didn’t place it as Julia’s voice until she pushed through the crowd and came out in front of me, giving me a sweet smile that had exhaustion written in bold letters just under the surface. “Oh, it’s so good to see you again. I’m so glad you could make it. How are you doing?”“Not going to lie to you, I’m tired. I’ve barely gotten a chance to actually sleep…”She softened. “It was a big trip. I didn’t want to say it, but… you look exhausted. You need to get some sleep and some proper food.”Despite everything—the exhaustion and the overwhelming sad feeling that had hung like a dark cloud around me over the last few days, and the way the crowds chattering and the music playing made it feel like my head was going to split down the middle—I couldn’t help but smile a little. Julia had been my second mother for a while. I think she’d been more shaken up over me going to college than she had about Stella going. “Trust me, that was the plan. I need, like, twelve hours of sleep tonight.”She put a hand on my shoulder, giving me a light squeeze. Julia was a slight woman, taller than me but that wasn’t saying much—a couple inches over my five-two—with deep brown hair she usually kept pulled back but was flowing free today. Stella took mostly after her, as far as I could remember, but… well, I hadn’t seen her in a while.“You get all the damn sleep you need,” she said, her voice gentle. “Don’t worry. I know you don’t want to handle checking in, talking to the receptionist… everything.” She shoved a hand in the pocket of her coat, rooting around before she pulled out a key. “Here. You’re in room twenty-one.”This woman was a miracle sometimes. I took the key gratefully, tucking it into my pocket. “Have I mentioned you’re the best mom in the world?”She put a hand on her hip. “Saying that now that you’re far enough away from Paula?”I hoped the sudden knot of tension in my chest didn’t show. My mom was not in the running for best mom in the world, not ever since she’d dragged me aside and started asking me in a dozen different ways if I was gay. I had no clue what had given her the idea all of a sudden, but I insisted over and over I was straight and she had nothing to worry about. Worry about. Like a gay daughter was a curse. Given how friendly she and Julia had always been, it didn’t bode well for how Julia would react if she found out.Instead, I just put on an easy smile. “I play the field, you know.”“Tsk-tsk.” Julia shook her head, smiling. “Scotland didn’t change you a bit.”“Really think I’d be tamed by a single semester abroad?”She shrugged. “I don’t know. Might have found someone there who could rein you in. Classic story and all. And there’s nothing quite like a handsome Scottish man…”I was going to break like a thin glass ornament. I strained my smile. “Nah… no man’s taming all of this.”She paused, giving me an odd look, and my stomach churned. I wasn’t doing a good job keeping my feelings to myself.Luckily, I got a distraction—I heard a gasp, and then small pattering running towards me, and I turned to where Stella’s little sister Clarissa pushed past an older man and came running towards me, eyes sparkling.“Abigail! It’s you!” She ran towards me, and I ducked to meet her in a hug, feeling like my heart would burst all of a sudden.“Oh my god, I took my eye off you for one second and you went and grew this much?”She scoffed—straight-up scoffed in my ear. “It’s been ages and ages! I almost forgot what you looked like.”“Yikes. Tough blow.” I pulled back from the hug, staying crouched down at her level—which was unsettlingly higher than it had been before I’d left for college. Clarissa was like a little beam of sunshine personified, and she looked like it too, with her wild ginger curls and sparkling blue eyes, wearing a puffy yellow coat and a radiant smile. I was pretty sure there was no one in the world who loved me as much as Clarissa did, even if I was pretty sure it was just because I was weak for her puppy-dog eyes and would smuggle her Pop-Tarts from my house when Julia didn’t want her having them. I ruffled her hair, and she giggled.“Stella doesn’t come home enough either. You’re just like her.”“Oh, yeah?”“Mm-hm.”Julia squeezed Clarissa’s shoulder. “Clarissa, Abigail needs to get to bed, okay?”Clarissa gave her a heartbroken look. “But I didn’t tell her about Stella’s present yet…”“You can tell her in the morning.”I didn’t need to hear cute, kind things Stella did. Honestly, I needed as little Stella as possible this trip. But I would have jumped in front of a train to make Clarissa happy. I didn’t think there was a single person in this lodge who wouldn’t. “I’m here right now,” I said. “What did Stella get you?”She giggled. “She told me she got me a present, but all she did was give me something from someone else!”I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, she’s regifting now, is she?”“She gave me a letter, but it’s not from her! Santa wrote it for me.”“Ah.” Now it all came together. Clarissa had always loved letters and wrote long-form essays to the big guy up north. Stella was still a considerate gift-giver, from the looks of things. “Good of him to write you, though. I know he’s busy.”“Mm!” She nodded, clasping her hands together. “He talked all about how he’s getting ready to deliver lots of toys this year, told me how he’s seen me being nice all year…” She put a hand over her mouth, stifling a giggle. “Even though he said getting in the refrigerator was very naughty.”Seemed I’d missed some excitement this year. “Well, enough nice outweighs the naughty. Santa’s pretty fair.”She nodded sagely. “I’m trying to figure out how much nice it takes to get rid of the naughty…”I laughed, standing back up and looking at Julia. “Seems you’ve got trouble on your hands.”“Nothing I’m not used to,” she sighed. “Now. Go on and get some sleep. You look like you’re going to keel over.”I scanned the crowds, a sudden tension pulling taut in my chest. Julia must have read my mind.“Stella’s already gone upstairs,” she said. “She looked almost as tired as you. Probably in bed right now.”Perfect. Already made it through one day without having to see her. I relaxed. “Sounds good,” I said, taking a step back, towards the stairs. “Thanks again, Julia. I really appreciate it. And I’ll see you in the morning, I’m guessing.”“Of course. We’ve got a big breakfast reservation at seven. Big event, whole family there.”Lovely. Because I loved big, noisy events. I crouched to give Clarissa another hug. “Good night, Clarissa. Stay out of trouble, okay?”“Okay…” She squeezed me tight before she skipped back. “Good night, Abigail.”I took the stairs up to blessed quiet on the second floor, a tight hallway with a low vaulted ceiling, the whole place smelling of cedar and mistletoe. My footsteps muffled on a thick rug as I walked down to room 21, sliding the key into the lock and turning it, a heavy latching sound before I pushed the door open and just about had a goddamn heart attack.Stella Jackson was in my room. And she didn’t have pants on.She dropped the book she was reading, flinging it onto the bedside table and wrapping the blankets over her bare legs, whirling on me with a wild-eyed look. I felt like I died on the spot, half from the embarrassment of it all and half from seeing Stella Jackson without any pants on.“Oh my god—Abigail?” She hugged the blanket tighter into herself. “I’m happy to see you again too, but knock first? How’d you even get in my room?”My room. Great. Exactly what I needed. I wasn’t avoiding Stella by getting straight to bed tonight. Julia had told me don’t worry about the cost when she said she’d get me a room too, and it was because she wasn’t booking me a room to begin with. I was sharing with Stella.Because of course I was. Why wouldn’t I be? Stella and I had shared a bed a million times when we were younger. Just because I went off to college and realized it meant something that I never felt anything for boys and it was hard to breathe when I was looking at Stella, that all those jokes I’d made when we were younger about us getting married one day had come from somewhere—just because I had a planet-sized crush on her didn’t mean anything if Julia didn’t know I was a lesbian.I made a point of never looking at my pictures with her and trying to forget her face, but seeing her again was like coming back to an old childhood home. She was unfairly gorgeous, deep brown hair with natural caramel-blonde highlights falling in loose waves to her chest, chocolate-brown eyes and the perfect defined pout to her lips, and her freckles—dammit, the freckles. Why she had to have the perfect little quintessential cute-freckled look too, I didn’t know.“One guess,” I said, shutting the door and leaning back against it, tossing the key in the air and catching it idly, “who told me I’d be staying in room twenty-one and neglected to mention to either of us that we were sharing.”I watched comprehension dawn on her face. Dammit, all her expressions were exactly the same as they always had been, and they made my heart ache with the nostalgia, with the swelling feeling in my chest. I didn’t need this at all, let alone right after a breakup I couldn’t tell any of them about because it was with a girl. “Should have guessed the second you walked in, now that you mention it,” she said, and I almost relaxed at her easygoing tone, but everything got fifty times worse when she stood up, the blankets falling away from her and again with the no goddamn pants. Her legs were shaved. Just long, smooth skin. And with that soft red pajama top she had on, it was all too… easy to see she wasn’t wearing a bra.I was checking her out. I forced myself to meet her gaze again. “You’re not cold in that?” I said, hoping it was good enough cover for why I had just looked directly at her bare legs and then directly at her chest.“There’s a hot water bottle in the bed,” she said, jerking her thumb back towards the bed. Our bed. Ugh… “Besides, I like sleeping like this. It’s cozier. And… apparently I have a second hot water bottle for the bed I didn’t know about.”She liked sleeping like this. I guess she was just going to be like this every night. Fuck me. I looked away. “Guess now I see why Julia was so intent to have me here. Have to keep you from freezing.”“God, it really is you,” she laughed, giving me an odd smile as she cocked her head. “I don’t know if it feels like it’s been forever or if it feels like I just saw you yesterday. When did you even get back to the US?”We were just having a damn conversation with her wearing a loose shirt and panties. I was dying here. “Day before yesterday.”“Oh my god, Abigail. Aren’t you exhausted?”“Uh-huh.”“Well, forget the catch-up, then,” she laughed. “You need a lot of sleep. And then a lot of coffee. Or do you just drink tea now?”“Nah. Picked up the taste for espresso, actually. I was doing Scotland all wrong, clearly.”She hugged me. I thought I might actually pass out. She smelled faintly sweet, like cinnamon… like coming home. Dammit, I missed how she smelled. How the hell had I not realized I was gay before?“It’s really nice to see you again,” she said, giving me a squeeze, “Abigail.”I didn’t remember how to breathe normally. I was going to suffocate in the night.