Chapter 10

Chapter 10AbigailI lay there with my heart pounding into the early hours that night, all too aware of Stella pressed up against my back, an arm over me holding her into her. I felt the way her breathing slowed as she drifted off into sleep, heard the small sounds she made, felt the way she shifted slowly against me… her heart beating slow against the cacophony of my own. Playing back every little minute of the day and every little look Stella gave me.Playing back the part where she tasted the whipped cream off my lips, too. I was never looking at whipped cream the same way.But eventually, the slow, gentle cadence of her heartbeat lulled mine into a quiet peace as well, and I felt the sweet tendrils of sleep settling in over the edges of my consciousness until I fell into soft, pleasant dreams where her face played a starring role.The next day wasn’t unlike the last—waking up next to her, my senses flooded with the sweet scent of her, and small comments and murky laughs tinged heavy with the weight of sleep still clinging to us. It was earlier today—I’d forgotten how much of an early bird Stella was, barely six o’clock without an alarm—but it was impossible to wake up next to Stella and not be jolted awake to some extent.“Need more sleep?” she murmured as she swung her legs off the bed, standing up.“I’m good. Going to head down with you and embarrass you in front of your mom.”“Two can play at that game. I’ll embarrass you back.” She walked over to the dresser, her back to me, and she bent over to rummage through the bottom drawer, and fuck it, I looked. I managed to play it cool once she stood up and looked back, pretending I hadn’t just been blatantly checking her out.We headed down to the lobby, where we caught Julia and that staffer Charlie, back on shift today, Julia sitting by the fireplace and Charlie leaning against the back of the next chair, both of them cupping little red mugs of coffee. Charlie gave us both a warm smile, greeting us by name as we came into the room, and when Stella went for the coffee bar, Charlie stopped her.“A coffee with cream and a coffee with soy milk?” he said. “Make yourselves comfortable. I’ll bring them over.”“How does he even know about the soy milk?” I said, sitting down. Stella suppressed a smile.“Might be Christmas magic…”“Might be because I told him,” Julia laughed. “He’s very attentive. Clarissa adores him, too. Might just take her and stay here, let him spoil us.”He brought back two mugs of coffee in no time, setting them down on the low table in front of us stacked with heavy old books and a folded tartan throw. “I’ll go do the tidying for your room now,” he said. “Enjoy your morning, you three.”“Thank you, Charlie,” Stella said, her voice warm. Julia smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling.“Thanks for the chocolate. I’ll share some with Clarissa later.”Next to me, Stella froze, looking at her. “What… chocolate?”Charlie turned away almost a little too quickly, putting a hand up as he went for the stairs. “I hope she loves them.”Julia beamed, reaching into her bag next to her chair, pulling out an elegant box of chocolate-caramel truffles. “He went and handed me this whole box of chocolates this morning, gift-wrapped and everything. Said it was a mispackaging from his friend at the chocolatier and they couldn’t sell it, so he gave it to me.”Stella blinked fast. “Did… did he, now?”“That’s sweet,” I laughed. “Feel like caramel is the one thing you and Clarissa agree on.”“Right? It’s a happy coincidence.”Stella cupped her coffee, looking down into it. “A happy coincidence… little bit of Christmas magic, huh.”I wasn’t sure what was eating her, but it didn’t matter—Julia changed the subject, launching off into asking after me and our day for two yesterday, and Stella made good on her promise to embarrass me, showing her reams of photos, mostly of me in funny poses in front of the town’s sceneries.As rare and magical a sight as a shooting star through a double rainbow, Faith came down the stairs early with Clarissa at her side, both laughing together about something, and Faith took her to the breakfast bar grabbing snacks for her. I had to whisper to Julia not to say anything to bring attention to it or Faith would never do it again, and blessedly, she kept cool when the two of them joined us by the fireplace. Once the rest of the family was waking up, Grandpa Ron decided we were having a big breakfast together, and Faith must have really been in a good mood, because she didn’t put up a fuss—just rolled her eyes, and I met her gaze across the sitting area with a knowing little I-know-right dry smile. I wondered if I was just encouraging her teenage rebellion, but I wanted some teenage rebellion for myself, frankly.We crashed another restaurant as a big group, squeezing in until it felt like we’d crowd the whole place out, and this time I gave up the hermit corner for Faith, sitting between her and Stella just to give Faith some buffer from the world. Julia and Philip hardly said a word to each other the whole time, but they both looked like they had a bit more life to them than they had lately.We didn’t stop moving the whole day—Grandpa Ron directed us out after breakfast for a winter trail walk, a short walk outside the town up along where the mountains fell out in front of us and the brilliant orange sun sat low on the horizon over a sweeping vista of snow and evergreens. Stella got a look in her eyes at the views that she still had on the way back, uncharacteristically quiet, and I made a mental note to take her back—just the two of us—I didn’t care how self-indulgent it was.If we were disappearing from each other’s lives again after this, then it wouldn’t matter how much I indulged in my feelings. And if we were staying in touch… well, like the sap that Stella apparently liked me as now, I felt like that would make anything worth it.The trip to the outskirts turned playful when we went sledding down the gentle slopes closer to the town, Clarissa and her two cousins close to her age squealing and letting out laughter big enough to shake the air all the way back to the center of town, and Stella and I sat at the edges, up at the top of the slope by the small kiosks renting sleds and selling small things, sitting side-by-side in the snow. She took a long sip of the hot cocoa she’d grabbed at the stands, cupping it in both mittened hands, watching where Clarissa dragged Philip onto a sled with her and he went down the slope looking like he had the fear of God in him, and Stella nudged me in the side, offering me her cocoa.“Sip of warmth? Your nose is turning pink.”As much as I wanted to share drinks with Stella… I put a hand up. “Don’t have my lactose pills.”She grinned. “It’s soy milk.”I paused. “Since when did you drink—”“I wanted to make sure we could share.” She pressed it up against my cheek. “Warm, right? Don’t you want it?”Dammit, but she was cute… I took the cup gratefully, sipping and trying not to think about Stella’s lips on that spot just a second ago. Not like the rich, decadent stuff at the hot cocoa bar—this was just Swiss Miss. Didn’t mean it wasn’t delicious, though.“You’re the best,” I said, handing it back, but she pushed it back to me.“Take more than just a sip. I got it for us.”Did she know what she was doing to my heart? Good lord.Even between the two of us, though, sitting there on the slope watching and talking about little things, we didn’t get through it all before Clarissa stormed up to us looking like a bowling pin in her huge puffy jacket and beanie, scowling and demanding we joined her. Philip took the cup of cocoa, grateful to be relieved of his spot on the sled, and together, Stella and I clung to little Clarissa squealing with joy as we rocketed down slopes—inevitably skidding off sideways at the bottom and pitching us all off laughing into the snow, where I had to spit it out of my mouth and Clarissa fell over laughing at the way it stuck on my nose.We went back up and down again, making it to a safer stop the second time, but we pushed our luck going for a third time—we wobbled off-balance halfway down the slope, and Stella swung right off the back, and with the way she held onto me from behind, she took me with her, both of us falling sideways onto the snow and rolling, sliding down the slope, snow in my ears, holding onto Stella for dear life as we skidded down to the bottom.My ears felt like they were about to freeze right off, and my back ached. But now that we came to a pause in the shade of an evergreen tree with branches hanging low, actually, I didn’t hate lying here with Stella on top of me.“Ugh. Sorry. My bad,” she laughed, propping herself up on her hands above me. The twinkle in her eyes, her freckles standing out on her flushed cheeks, snow in her scarf—that wild-eyed look as she looked down at me from just above my face. “You okay, Abigail?”I wanted to kiss her so badly… my chest ached like I’d die if I didn’t, her lips so… full, pink, flush. I couldn’t imagine how soft they must have felt… “Buh,” was all I managed for a second. Somehow, by miracle, I didn’t die of embarrassment. “I’m good. Got snow up my nose so far it went into my brain, but otherwise, I’m good.”She grinned. “No one I’d rather fall down a hill with.”“I mean, same goes to you, but if I had the choice I think I’d rather not fall down a hill at all…”“Apparently that one’s not an option,” she laughed, pushing herself up off of me. I kind of wish I’d kissed her, even if it was the worst thing I could have done. I got up to my knees as Clarissa and her cousin Amy came over to us giggling about something together, and Stella put her hands on her hips, giving them a stern smile. “And what’s so funny to you, young ladies? Was that the goal of this whole sledding scheme? Throwing me and Abigail off a cliff?”Clarissa’s cousin Amy, younger than Clarissa but taller than her, with long dark hair, swayed with her hands clasped at her waist. “We thought you were gonna kiss.”I needed to find a bigger cliff to fall off of. I felt my face burn, but Stella just made a noncommittal noise. “Oh, I see. Clarissa’s been spreading rumors about us.”Clarissa giggled wildly, in that way she did when she was caught in the act and wanted desperately to pretend she was innocent but was terrible at it. “No.”Stella knelt to Clarissa’s level, folding her arms. “Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been spreading rumors about us, Clarissa.”Clarissa looked at her feet. “I didn’t do it.”“I think you did it.” Stella squeezed her shoulder, laughing. “It’s very naughty to spread rumors like that about people, Clarissa.”“I’m sorry…” That smile said she wasn’t remotely sorry.“You too, cheeky little cousin,” Stella laughed, giving Amy a look. “No gossiping, you two.”“Okay…” they said in unison, neither of them with any commitment to it. Stella shook her head, smiling as she turned back to me, offering me a hand up to my feet. I couldn’t look her in the eye, but I tried my best…“Grandpa’s packing up,” she said, nodding back towards the top of the hill. “Shall we, you know, drag ourselves out of this ditch we’ve flung ourselves into and join everyone else?”“Carry me up,” Clarissa said, falling against my waist. I put my hands on my hips, looking at her.“Carry you? You’re too grown-up now to go hoisting up a hill, young lady. Also, that’s quite an ask after you were just spreading rumors about me.”She giggled. “Carry me.”“Completely unrepentant.” Still, I squatted and hoisted her up over my shoulder, and she giggled the whole way up, while Stella led Amy by the hand up the slope, dragging the sled behind us. Julia fussed over us, making sure we hadn’t hurt anything in our dramatic tumble—the tumble that had embarrassingly caught everyone’s attention, and the entire family had watched raptly the whole time we rolled down the hill—and once it was established that we were all physically still intact, we headed back to the lodge before dinner.We crashed a restaurant for dinner the same way we did breakfast, taking it over with all—I’d counted by now, twenty-six of us—and my brain was starting to fizzle again by the time we finished up over obnoxiously cute Christmas-themed desserts and headed back to the lodge.“Oh, you poor thing,” Stella said, once we got back to our room and I collapsed immediately on the bed. “You look exhausted.”“I’ve got bees in my skull.”“First snow in your brain and now bees in your skull.” She sat next to where I sprawled on the bed, and as if I wasn’t already broken enough, she lifted a strand of hair ever so delicately out of my face, her fingertips brushing over my cheek and sending a shudder down my spine. She smiled sweetly at me, and it made my heart pound faster. “Do I need to put you in bubble wrap?”“Nah… just twelve blankets and nobody around for twelve hours.”She raised her eyebrows. “Do you need me to give you space?”“Nobody around but you… you’re good. You can stay.”She grinned. “That’s what I was hoping for.” And then she faltered, eyes wide. I pushed myself up to sitting next to her.“Everything okay?”She broke out into a smile. “That gift I got you yesterday. I was so distracted with the day together I forgot I was going to give it to you then.”“Oh yeah…” I relaxed. “I was too busy falling apart for you to give me a present.”“C’mon. I told you not to worry about it. Let me run to the bathroom and then I’ll grab it,” she said, standing up, and I just let myself… look at her. We’d all dressed up a bit for dinner, and the blush-pink dress she had with a long, swishy skirt, her hair done up with some quick curls bringing out the volume and the natural soft blonde highlights in her hair, she really was breathtaking. She’d always been pretty, but something about how she carried herself these days, how she’d grown up a little…She caught me staring as she glanced back at the bathroom door, and she laughed, lifting up the edge of her skirt.“I look silly in this thing, don’t I?”“You look gorgeous…”She rolled her eyes with a smile, pushing into the bathroom. “Flattering me,” she laughed, shutting the door behind her, and I sprawled out on the bed, my own dress—which I had absolutely been coached into wearing, a gold one with a simple A-line design—fanning out around my legs. It took me a minute to get around to kicking my shoes off, but even without having to stand in them, it just felt nice to not be in heels.But the soft, easy tranquility of the moment splintered like breaking glass when I checked my phone, glancing idly and scrolling through my social media, and my stomach dropped out when I saw her name in my messages.Megan’s profile photo was painfully nostalgic, like needles in my throat. All pretty with her blonde hair done up in a braided style, a picture of her from that night we went out onto the town together. Kind of a sick feeling seeing it, since I’d taken the picture.Gale, I’m a fucking idiot and I’m sorry. I miss you.My chest constricted, my breathing shallow as I forced myself to read through it, a wall of text about how she’d been wrong. My face prickled, pressure building behind my eyes. It was almost two in the morning there. She was up thinking about us. Had she been every night?I felt sick. Wasn’t I supposed to be relieved? This was what I’d wanted. What I’d been hoping for. This was…I didn’t know how long I was there with my soul leaving my body, but it was long enough Stella must have finished in the bathroom, because I didn’t even notice her come out until she said, “Abigail? What’s wrong?”“I—” I turned off my phone, shoving it upside-down under the pillow, my chest burning, my face burning. “Sorry. It’s nothing.”“That look isn’t nothing.” She sat down next to me, putting a hand on my arm. “Abigail. Hey… what happened?”I shook my head hard, trying to push down the heaving sensation in my chest. The buzzing in my head was back, feeling like I’d white out. “It’s really nothing. I don’t want you to worry about it.”“Well, I’m worrying. You look like you’re dealing with something awful.” When I looked away, she put a hand on my jaw, turning me back to face her, and—something about it, the physical act of her overriding the urges to pull into myself and disappear, it jerked me out of the worst of the spiral. “Abigail. Please. Look at me. What happened?”“The…” Now the swirling thoughts turned into embarrassment, and I dropped my gaze to the space on the bed between us. “The, uh… the ex messaged me.”“Oh…” She went wide-eyed, and I squeezed my eyes shut, ashamed to look at her for reasons I couldn’t place.“With… you know. I miss you. I was wrong.”“Abigail…”I let out a heavy sigh through my teeth. She slipped her hand down to my shoulder, squeezing gently.“You don’t need to reply right away. You can take your time. Come back to it once you’re in the right headspace. I promise, it’s okay. Anyone worth being with will respect that for you. And I want that for you.”I swallowed, hard, opening my eyes. “No,” I said, my voice dry. “I can’t.”“Abigail—”I shook my head, turning back to her, a frantic feeling building in my chest. “I won’t. I mean—I won’t go back. It’s over. It’s done.”“Oh…” Her expression softened, and she put a hand on my arm. “Are you sure? It really is okay to sit on this and—”“I mean it. She called it off, and it’s over. I don’t want to play games like that.”Stella stopped, missing a beat. “What?”I swallowed hard. “I said, it’s over. I’m not doing this—the back-and-forth, in-and-out… I can’t do that to myself.”She blinked at me, twice, before she cocked her head, an odd look on her face. I shifted awkwardly.“What?”“Abigail… was it a girl?”I lurched, reeling as I tried to put together my scrambling thoughts. “Was… I… what?”“You said she.”“Oh… I… uh…” My head was static again. Christ.I didn’t even remember saying it. It should have been easy to just claim I’d said he and she’d misheard me, but I blanked, panic thrumming in my veins, and she softened before she pulled me into a tight embrace.“Oh, Abigail,” she breathed, her voice soft next to my ear. “I’m sorry she’s put you through this.”“Uh—I don’t…” My face burned. I clasped a hand over my mouth, counting my breaths. “Oh my god. Please… please don’t tell anyone…”“Of course not,” she laughed, pulling back from the embrace and giving me an odd smile. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”“You promise?” I was being ridiculous. I didn’t need a promise. But it was all I could find to say, and she smiled sweetly, which was more than I deserved.“Pinky promise,” she said, slotting her pinky finger in with mine. “You’re safe.”I stared at her for an eternity, my head still spinning, before I let out a shaky breath. “So… so that’s… that’s it?”She raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”“That’s it? I just… I came out to you?”She smiled wider, out to the corners of her eyes. “If there’s anything specifically you want to tell me, I’m listening.”My throat was so tight… but there wasn’t an ounce of judgment. Nor an ounce of discomfort. I’d been so terrified she’d be grossed out by how close we’d been if she knew, or she’d be worried about me having a crush on her, but… but of course not. Of course Stella was perfect. I dared to let myself relax, talking in a small voice, nervous and shaky. “Um… I-I’m a lesbian.”She smiled wider. “Thank you for telling me.”We were okay. We were actually, honest-to-god okay. I could have cried. Maybe I needed to thank Megan for this. I laughed, and Stella laughed too, and I shifted awkwardly before I heard myself blurt, “Um… I kind of prefer going by Gale, too.”“Oh.” She went wide-eyed. “Is this, like, a gender thing, too?”“Oh—no. I’m a girl. Regular old… garden-variety… girl. Why am I even talking?” I scratched my head. “Just… I think I like to be a bit more of an… androgynous girl.”“That’s cool.” Her smile spread wider until it felt like it would just up and break free from her face. “Is this a thing, like, just between the two of us?”“Uh… yeah. At least… for now? I was out everywhere in Scotland and I went by Gale there, and so it kind of feels like it’s like a… like a…”“Like a gay thing.”“Like a gay thing. Exactly.”She laughed. “You got it, Gale.”Nope. Terrible idea. Her calling me that did things to my heart, just like I was afraid of. Too late to back out now, though. I forced myself to relax just a little, and she hugged me, squeezing me tight.“So… a present to celebrate coming out?”“I-I forgot the present again.”She laughed. “Me too. That’s why I’m going to give it to you now or I never will.” She reached over to where I hadn’t even noticed she’d set a gift box on the bedside table, and she pushed it into my hands. “For my one and only Gale.”Really? Did she have to add that on there? I was going to die. I felt myself blushing hard, and I mumbled something I didn’t think was an actual word before I untied the ribbon on the box, letting it fall away, and lifted the lid.I stopped. A pink package with the logo from that chocolatier in the shopping center, with chocolate hearts. Dark chocolate and marzipan.“Uh… do you like them?” Stella faltered. “If you don’t, I can get them exchanged.”Quietly, I set the box down, and I stood up, walking over to the dresser. I knelt in front of the dresser, sliding open the bottom drawer and pulling out the box I’d gotten her, and I sat back down on the bed before I handed it to her, wordlessly—a pink package from the chocolatier, with chocolate hearts, white chocolate and raspberry.“Ah—” Stella looked quickly between me and the chocolates. “Are you kidding me?” she laughed, a hand over her mouth.“Got, uh… got you these,” I said.She broke out into wild laughter, and she tackled me in a hug that knocked all the thoughts out of my head, pushing me down onto my back with her on top of me, laughing on and on. Eventually, she won out—I heard myself laughing, too, not even needing words right now, and I wrapped my arms around her and laughed, a package of chocolate hearts on either side of us, laughing until we were breathless with tears in our eyes.