15. Kase

CHAPTER 15

Isit in my office, It's the only place that I can be alone with my thoughts and feelings. I don't know why I allowed myself to be talked into the dark room session by Alex. He returned to the house aroused and eager for us to introduce Orla to the room. He goaded me until I relented. The thing that's not sitting well with me is how much he enjoyed inflicting pain on her. Her screams spurred him on. I participated, but for the first time, it didn't turn me on. She wasn't a willing participant. No safe word or consent. It was torture, pure and simple. I tried to go easy on her with the lashes while making it believable, but he didn't buy it. I can't let this carry on. I pick up the phone and summon Dr. Evans to the house. He's on the payroll and doesn't ask questions. He's in so deep that he wouldn't risk flapping his gums to anyone.

Alex is angry that I've called the doctor to the house. Dr. Evans is upstairs tending to Orla. Alex stormed off in a huff and got in his car. I wait downstairs for the doctor to finish. He takes a few hours but eventually, I hear him coming down the stairs. He's gasping for air by the time he makes it to the bottom landing. He doesn't look at me and I know it's because he's disgusted. I've used him many times for many things, but I think this was a first for him and he's questioning his life choices.

"How's she doing?" I ask, attempting to counteract the judgment and guilt I feel for allowing allowing myself to be a participant in what happened to her.

"She's how you'd expect her to be doing. I've sedated her and tended to her wounds. I had to perform an emergency dilatation and curettage to offset infection and save her life." He says flatly.

"What's that." I ask.

"A D everything about him.

"Ok. This is your rodeo. I'm just the clown." He says as he turns to go upstairs. I'm in my office when he comes back down, saying that he has some urgent business in the city, and he'll probably only see me in a couple of days. He comes over to me and sits on my lap and to kiss me, but it's cold and calculated, but I play along. I know he's angry. He doesn't like the new direction this is going in, but doesn't want to risk giving me an ultimatum. He gets up and hits me with a, "Don't miss me too much, " and his million-dollar smile before waving goodbye.

I watch as he walks towards his car, and turns back to wave goodbye before he gets into the car driving off. I watch as his car disappears between the trees that line the driveway leading away from the house. I stare long after he's gone. The numbness I feel is unmistakable, but I don't know what it means. He knows a lot and until today I didn't think that I had anything to fear from him. The only thing I've ever been concerned about with former lovers has been indiscretion. Alex is no different but I moved past that - I still don't have any concerns about him talking, but a chill goes through as I entertain the idea that he may be capable of a lot worse than spilling bedroom secrets. It throws everything I believe into disarray and makes me question my judgment for the first time in my life. Even as a young adult, I was pretty astute and an excellent judge of character, as well as a persons motivation. My dad took particular pride in my ability to read people. Did my grief make me so blind that I lost it, opened the door of my life to someone who's capable of God knows what? There's a broken young woman upstairs because of my lust for him and vengeance. I murdered my child in pursuit of revenge. Am I the monster that my father spoke of, or did I open the door and my life to the monster when I invited Alex home?