Chapter Nineteen

Charlie's ten a.m. capstone course, designed to be the finale in her creative writing journey, was her one saving grace these days. Feeling let down, brokenhearted, and alone, she generally just went through the motions these days. Most everything in her life made her mad or sad, or—worse—reminded her of Taryn and all she'd lost.

Capstone was different. It allowed her to draw into herself and create worlds where she could escape from her own bleak reality. It pulled together everything she'd learned in the last three years and made her feel ready to take on the world. When things felt extra hopeless, she tried to focus on two things as a salve: her work as a creative release, and leaving Hillspoint University far, far behind. She didn't know the unique details of what her future held in New York, but it was a new start she desperately needed. Until then, she'd hang on and close out her time as a student with as much strength as she could gather.

"Hey. You okay?" Danny asked quietly during a lull in their class discussion. He sat across from her at the conference table, his brows drawn down and concern written all over his face. He knew her well enough to pick up on her cues. They'd kept up a polite friendship that never went much deeper than class procedures and casual hellos. She was grateful they'd been able to sidestep any unfortunate dramatic displays. They were adults and handling themselves that way. Today, Danny seemed to tear down the polite barrier and reach through.

"Me? I'm fine. Just need to catch up on sleep," she said quietly, not wanting to draw the attention of their classmates. She gestured to the dark circles that had crept up under her eyes recently. She wasn't looking her best but also had trouble caring, keeping her energy focused on survival and not beating herself up too terribly for trusting.

"You don't seem fine."

She bristled. Her walls were up these days because she'd learned a valuable lesson. She kept the world and everyone in it at arm's length, and that included Danny. "Can you just take me at my word?" She was too exhausted to fake it convincingly.

"We need to talk after class," he said, as the lecture resumed. She could only imagine what he had to say and honestly didn't want to listen.

"No, we don't," she mouthed back. She didn't even shoot for a civil exchange. She was done with pretense and seeking out harmony with others. What had it gotten her in the end?

He let the conversation die, but when their class dismissed, she found him waiting at the base of the steps of the Saunders Building, one foot propped up on the bottom stair.

"Danny, no. I can't and don't want to. I have my shift at the library and then forty-two papers to grade by ten a.m. tomorrow. My soul is tired. Do you hear me? And I don't have it in me for one of our talks."

"You're gonna want to hear this."

She exhaled, loud enough that he'd hear it. There was no getting out of this. "Hear what?"

"What if I told you I knew why?" His eyes were earnest and he didn't seem his normal confident self.

She shrugged. "You know why what?"

"Why Taryn ended things with you."

Her breath caught. It was the question she'd stayed up nights pondering, and he now dangled it on a hook like bait. While she wanted desperately not to care, to keep herself behind the emotional fortress she'd carefully constructed, everything in her rose to attention. "Okay. And why is that?"

"Can we sit?" He gestured with his head to the half wall nearby, and she led the way. "Here goes." He slapped his knee and gave his head one shake. "My mother means well, but she can be a bull in a china shop when she gets her mind set on something."

That part was true. Monica was a go-getter to an actual fault. She'd once snatched up her mom's crush when they were younger, nearly ending their friendship. "What does Monica have to do with Taryn?"

"She was a little too interested in the status of your relationship when I had lunch with her recently. She pressed and pressed for details." Charlie frowned at him, curious as to where this was all going.

Charlie nodded. "She wants you and me back together."

"Too much." He sighed. "After two martinis, I still couldn't get it out of her."

Charlie frowned, unsure where this was going.

"Then a couple days ago, I find Taryn waiting for me at the TKE house on the day of their weekly chapter meeting. She was nervous and sad, looking like a lost puppy dog. Anyway, she clued me in on a few things."

"What did she say?" Her heart thudded, realizing she was about to get an answer or two.

"Mom confronted Taryn while you were gone and told her she'd use her influence to pull the Broadland Rhodes opportunity if Taryn didn't back off."

"No." A pause. "Monica wouldn't do that. Would she?"

Her stared at her ruefully. "It's fucked up, but yeah. I'm afraid she would." He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. "And did."

"And you're saying Taryn just said okay, sure and gave in?"

Danny shrugged as if it was beyond him as well.

"I don't even know what to say right now." Just when Charlie thought this whole thing couldn't get any more shocking…Monica had shaken the tree, and Taryn had leapt right out of it. Was it really that easy to just walk away from her? Apparently so. She was reeling. Emotions fired in every which way like an out-of-control shootout at a saloon. She squeezed her hands to keep herself calm, but her thoughts took off at a tear.

"I get the feeling Taryn was a little outmatched." Danny seemed intent on helping Charlie through this moment, which was appreciated but unnecessary. "You know how my mom can be. She takes over in a blaze."

"She does. But this is over the line." Charlie shook her head, going back through every moment with a new understanding. It was like watching a movie back after you were made aware of the twist. While the new information offered clarity, it didn't make her feel even one shred better, more like a pawn moved around a board without a single say-so in the matter. Insulting. Degrading.

"I used to think my mom always meant well," Danny said. "Even if her methods weren't the best. She got to where she is in her career for a reason. But after this one, I'm not sure what to think." He stood. "I'm really sorry, Char. I thought you should know."

She nodded numbly. "Thank you," she said, her words delayed as her thoughts took over.

"I'll give you your space, but reach out if there's anything I can do."

"I will."

Charlie sat right where she was, not caring that she might be late for work, not caring who saw her processing each of these very powerful feelings that took their turn with her one after the other until she felt dizzy and sick. In the end, anger won out, now champion of the day. She stood, checked her watch, and stalked her way across the quad, ready to put it to use. Someone had Spanish class in ten minutes, and she planned to be there.

* * *

There were moments in life when the details rose to the surface. When each of the five senses overachieved, making that particular point in time roar. Taryn experienced exactly that when she approached the foreign language building and found Charlie standing in front. The wind picked up, lifting Taryn's hair and blowing it off her forehead. The faint smell of bacon from the dining hall next door wafted through the air. She could remember the exact moment she was close enough to Charlie for her features to snap into focus. Her blue eyes blazed, and a strand of hair was tucked behind her ear on the right side in an angelic contrast to her demeanor. There were students to her right laughing too loudly at something ridiculous. Charlie's face, creased with anger, and the way she'd folded her arms across her chest would be burned into Taryn's memory forever.

"Hey," Taryn said, as she approached. She looked at the building and back to Charlie. "Taking up Spanish?" Her stomach rippled with nervous energy.

"You're a coward." Charlie's eyes were ice. She slid her hands into her back pockets and watched Taryn in stillness. The word stung because it was the one thing Taryn never wanted to be yet knew she was.

"Okay." Taryn inhaled. "What's going on? Should we talk?"

Charlie turned and pointedly walked away from the gathering of students, securing privacy for whatever exchange they were about to have. Taryn dutifully followed, class abandoned. She was terrified of the Charlie in front of her now, yet still so in love that every part of Taryn sang out to be in her presence again. It didn't seem fair that she was this gorgeous in anger.

When they settled, Charlie simply stared at her. Impenetrable. She'd armored herself, and Taryn felt the waves of self-protection radiating from her.

"Talk to me," Taryn said. "Please?"

"You let her get to you. Monica. How could you do that?"

Taryn nodded, understanding, her spirits plummeting in shame. Danny had informed Charlie, which meant Charlie knew everything, and Taryn hadn't been the one to tell her. She'd known it was coming, but it was still awful. Why had she hesitated to simply pick up her phone? All she could do now is do her best to explain. "I couldn't stand the thought of you losing out on New York. On the job. It was your dream, Charlie, what you wanted more than anything. You said so all the time."

Charlie blinked and shook her head. "I didn't want anything as much as I wanted you and me." She held her gaze. "Which seems foolish of me, because you walked away so very easily, Taryn."

"There was nothing easy about it. I promise you that." Her shoulders sagged. "I don't eat anymore. I don't enjoy anything. I miss you more than words can communicate, and I know it's my own fault." Underneath it all, she understood the damage she'd done. It took a lot for Charlie to trust and believe herself worthy of love, and Taryn had gone and shaken that trust to its core, snatched it away.

"Did you love me?" Charlie asked. Taryn remembered the phone call and the wonderful moment when they'd said the words to each other. She almost couldn't stomach the fact that she'd taken them back.

"Not did. Do. I've been deeply in love with you for a long time, and that's not going to change."

Charlie nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. The anger had faded and vulnerability snuck through. The woman in front of her now was sad and broken. Taryn had never hated anything more.

"I'm so sorry. I have so many regrets, Charlie, but not coming to you immediately after the reception is by far the biggest. If there's a chance to undo what I've done, I'd take it. In an instant."

Charlie wiped the tears the moment they spilled over. "That's the thing about an instant. Most anything can change on a dime, right? We established that, once upon a time. And you and I have changed, Taryn. I gotta go."

It wasn't an answer, but Taryn had to respect Charlie's words and their implication. She stood right there in that spot watching after the woman who was walking away with her whole heart, wanting more than anything to chase after her and make her remember all the good things about them. She wanted to apologize over and over, and to hold Charlie and let them both cry. But none of those things seemed to be what Charlie wanted, which meant Taryn would continue to feel and wait and hope for the day she'd have her chance. She just prayed there would be such a day. In the meantime, she refused to be the one thing Charlie now thought she was, a coward. She would harness what courage she could gather and go after what she wanted more than anything else in life, Charlotte Adler.