Chapter Eighteen

Charlie's feet hadn't touched the ground since her meeting with June DiCarlo, who she realized she was going to have to start calling June at some point. She'd treated herself to that fantastic food cart to commemorate the moment, enjoying chicken tikka masala in front of the building, and wondered if this might become a daily ritual for her when she returned full-time.

The next day, on the plane home, she pored through the helpful information June's office had sent over about apartments, MetroCards, and favorite spots to eat. It really was a comprehensive welcome package, and she couldn't wait to share it with Taryn. They would, after all, eventually be living there together, and Taryn should have a say in the kind of place Charlie picked out.

They'd made arrangements to get together after Taryn's afternoon class on the morning Charlie arrived home. She checked the clock, realizing Taryn was half an hour late. Not like her. Charlie sent a text and waited, antsy and getting concerned. Maybe it was just that she missed Taryn, and a couple of days apart made her itch to see her beautiful face again. Patience be damned.

Finally, a knock on the door followed by it opening revealed Taryn with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and a smile on her face when her gaze landed on Charlie. "You're home," she said softly, but the familiar energy was missing.

"I am. Hi," Charlie said, kissing her lips softly. She didn't receive much back. Odd. It was possible Taryn had experienced a stressful few days. Her smile also didn't reach her eyes, which seemed tired. "I hate being apart. Have I mentioned that?"

"You don't have to. I missed you, too."

Charlie dipped her head to examine Taryn head-on. "Hey, are you okay? Did you sleep last night?"

"Not a ton. No."

"All right." Charlie paused, waiting for Taryn to say more, but she didn't. "Everything okay?"

"Mm-hmm," Taryn said, sliding her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "Still coming down from your high? I'm so thrilled for you. I know this job offer was weighing on you."

Charlie took a deep breath and let it wash over her. "I don't think I can put into words how happy I am and how relieved. I know I told you how worried I was, but that wasn't even the half of it. I feel like I can breathe and enjoy the semester now, knowing my life is sorted out and I have a firm plan."

Taryn squeezed her hand, tears filling her eyes. "This is your dream and it's actually happening. Think about that."

"Right?" Charlie put her arms around Taryn's neck and hugged her. "It's surreal. Things like this don't usually happen for me. I need to send Monica a giant bouquet for arranging the meeting. Whether she's still upset about Danny and me or not, she made this happen."

"Definitely do that," Taryn said, releasing her. She swallowed and seemed to be piecing words together. The vibe was off, and Charlie didn't quite understand why. "But I need to be honest and say that this is a lot for me."

"Okay. Say more." Her heart rate picked up, and her palms went clammy. She shifted her weight. "You're scaring me a little."

Taryn's gaze fell to the floor. Why wasn't she looking at Charlie? She always made direct eye contact, even at hard moments. "I think while you were gone, it all just became very real for me. I'm still in school, and this whole being-in-a-relationship thing is big."

"Right. I get that. Are you overwhelmed, having doubts? About us?" Her brain couldn't seem to wrap itself around the conversation they were having. There had been zero clues. No indication that anything was amiss between them. This didn't add up.

"I think I might be."

"You literally said you loved me on the phone less than two days ago. That felt like an amazing step forward, not back." It felt like the floor was crumbling beneath her feet. "I'm confused but trying to understand."

Taryn hadn't moved a muscle. "I wasn't expecting you to say it, and when you did…"

"You automatically said it back." She nodded once. "Wow. This feels…like a truck just came out of nowhere and is heading straight for me." She walked the length of the room and back again.

"I'm not saying that I don't want to be with you down the road, but maybe we're at different points in our journey. I might need to catch up first." She touched her hair, her face crumpling. "I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm so sorry about all of this."

It was Charlie's instinct to pull Taryn immediately into her arms and fix whatever had her sad, but it also felt like she no longer had permission. Taryn wasn't lamenting school or photography or her friends, she was uncomfortable with them. She was stepping away from Charlie, and did she have any other choice than to let her? She was losing another person she loved. It felt like she'd taken a jab to her face and hadn't yet regained clear vision.

Somehow she had to get through this in one piece. She swallowed her sadness as best she could, hoping to hold it back until the second Taryn was gone. "I think what you're saying is that this isn't what you want."

Panic zigzagged across Taryn's features, which was confusing. "I just need time. I should take the semester and get my head on straight, and once you're settled and happy, we can maybe see where we're at?"

"Yeah. Yes." Her heart cracked and then shattered. "We'll do that. See where we're at." She looked back at her kitchen table where she had all the information from her trip spread out and ready to share with Taryn. She simply blinked at it as she tried to reel in her plans for the two of them. How silly they seemed now, how far away. "Swing by the library soon so we can catch up." It was a strange thing to say, but Charlie was doing whatever she could to tread water and hold on to a scrap of normalcy.

"Definitely. It's still me. I'll be around a lot." It might have been a lie, but she chose to believe it in this moment. Taryn looked over her shoulder at the door she'd barely come through before leveling Charlie's world. "I better let you get back to whatever you were in the midst of."

This was it. She closed her eyes briefly and opened them. "Okay. Take care of yourself."

"Charlie. This isn't necessarily forever."

"Hmm. Yeah." She forced a smile that she held carefully in place until the door to her apartment was closed. The wobbly sob that tore from her throat sounded foreign. She walked blindly to her bedroom and closed the door, attempting to escape the world, afraid to trust the ground beneath her feet. She slipped beneath the quilt on her bed and wrapped it around herself as tears spilled onto her pillow. She'd allowed herself to believe that the happiness she'd always longed for was actually attainable. She'd slowly let down her guard to Taryn, to her parents, to planning a true future for them, only to have that trust trampled on in a horrific blindside. In this moment, she felt more alone than she ever had in her life. She missed her mother desperately and longed for her reassuring words, a shoulder to cry on.

She skipped her classes that day and stayed right where she was, sorting through details over and over again for any kind of clue. Only there had been nothing, which was the more terrifying conclusion. It wasn't fair. It wasn't okay. One thing was for sure, she would never, ever let herself be hurt by someone again.

* * *

Tulips, daffodils, and cherry blossoms had emerged around campus, signaling spring had shifted into full bloom. The warmer weather had most everyone in short sleeves, and the campus seemed busier, with more students opting to lounge outside or toss the Frisbee around. Taryn had spent the past two weeks in hell, second-guessing the decision she'd made and running through all the ways she could have handled the situation differently. Regret was an awful thing that followed her around like bricks on her back. The day she'd stepped away from Charlie, a god-awful humming took up residence in her ears, nausea clawed her stomach, and a cold sweat took over her body, signs that every part of her fought against the very thing she'd done. She didn't welcome spring. She didn't enjoy its bright colors, not when her own world had gone dim.

Didn't matter. She'd gone and ripped both of their hearts out, and the idea of Charlie running off to New York and finding a whole new life without Taryn was the equivalent of a thousand little cuts. She wasn't eating, she barely slept, and her grades had taken a nosedive since Monica had stepped into the picture.

"I don't like the idea of letting evil win," Caz said as they walked across the quad to the intramural fields to support the Alexander girls' soccer team. Taryn brought her camera with her, in love with the gorgeous day and the chance to shoot an action-packed game filled with competitive players.

"I don't either," Taryn said flatly. "It's eating my soul knowing that that woman drove a wedge between Charlie and me, and I let her. But at the time, it felt like I was in a maze with no real way out without robbing Charlie of what she'd been dreaming of for years."

Caz stopped walking. Her cavalier, fun personality had been bottled up in the name of Taryn's world falling apart. In its place was a serious version of her, capable of not only comforting Taryn but supplying her with excellent insight. "I think you need to consider telling Charlie the truth. It's the right thing to do. Underneath it all, I think that you know that."

"And have her lose everything?"

"Isn't that her decision to make and not yours? This isn't even about the romantic relationship. It's about Charlie having all the information before she makes a life-altering decision about this job. She'd be indebted to this awful woman forever, and that's not your call."

Caz had a point. Taryn blinked, seeing it from a new perspective. Monica was playing God, and now, perhaps, Taryn was. Was that fair to Charlie? "You might be right. I can fully admit that I'm out of my depth and drowning here. But I'm not sure what move to make, given where I am. I've sent a couple of check-in texts. Charlie answered one with as few words as possible and has ignored the others ever since."

"Tare, she's hurting. This came out of nowhere for her."

"Us both." She dropped her head back and stared up at the sky, praying for the sea of blue to swallow her up so she didn't have to go another day in this alternate reality that never should have been. What an absolute nightmare. "My only hope is that down the road she'll give me another chance. I've prayed for that every day since the last time I saw her. I can't get the look on her face out of my head. I'm such an asshole."

Caz didn't hesitate. "My advice is don't wait for that second-chance moment. Tell Charlie everything and let the chips fall where they may."

More and more, Taryn was beginning to believe that Caz was right. She needed to inform Charlie about her conversation with Monica and hope that she understood why Taryn did what she did. "I'm not a controlling person, but somehow I felt the need to control this?"

Caz shook her head. "That needs a reframing. You love her and wanted to make sure she was happy. As misguided as the decision might have been—no offense—you were sacrificing yourself for her. It's noble in a way." She clapped Taryn on the back. "Now we just might need to tweak your technique."

"I have so much to learn."

"Don't we all."

"And I might be an asshole."

"Nah, not at all."

The conversation had kicked something loose, and Taryn knew what she had to do. There was a TKE brother in her narrative photography class who let her know that their weekly meetings, complete with advisors present, happened every Thursday afternoon. Armed with that information, she waited on the sidewalk in front of the house until Danny made his way up the walk at ten minutes before the hour.

He eyed Taryn as she approached and regarded her with a weary sigh. "Something I can do for you, Taryn?"

It was the kind of moment she'd shy away from normally—she was averse to conflict and facing the hard moments. Yet she refused to give herself too much credit for bravery when it should have been Charlie she chased down. And she would, once she found the words and the courage to face her in person. "I need a few minutes of your time."

"Can't do it. I have a meeting."

"I know. And that's why I'm here. It's that important." She shifted her weight and closed her eyes. "It's about Charlie. Please?"

That held his attention, and he softened. He still cared about her, that much was apparent. "All right. I can give you five."

Taryn nodded. And with a deep breath, she imparted the entire story of the showcase, Monica's surprising attendance, and the ultimatum she'd leveled at Taryn. If Danny was surprised, he didn't show it. If anything, the news seemed to hang on him, heavy and uncomfortable.

He stared at the sidewalk and then shifted his gaze back to Taryn. "And you're telling me this because…"

"Charlie needs to know before she heads to New York in a few weeks."

"Shouldn't you be the one to tell her?"

"I don't think she wants to hear from me." It was an excuse and Taryn damn well knew it. Standing in front of Charlie and admitting the truth was too daunting to tackle just yet. Fear had her in a stranglehold, but that didn't mean Charlie should be kept in the dark a moment longer. That had been a mistake. "Please just tell her."