Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Rafael

We passed through the security checkpoints and around the Arch of Titus, where trees lined the ancient streets and provided much-needed shade. I pushed aside all the nasty little feelings that had no place here. Of course he would have done everything the same if he had to do it all over again. Those decisions had led us right here to this moment in time and to a final confrontation. Here, today, we needed to reach a conclusion of sorts, and my heart was brimming with hope and fear in equal measure.

The fact that I was ever so slightly hurt that he wasn't swearing how he would have changed things, given the chance, was irrational. Then again, I had never been the most rational person. I had rarely sat down to plan my next move. Since the very first time I met Luke, my actions were inspired by the moment and fueled by emotions. Wanting to take him to Budapest or stealing a day in the Austrian Alps had never been the kinds of things I could have planned. They had happened because colliding with Luke anywhere on this planet made every fiber of my being scream for more time. Whenever I was near him, all I wanted was to find ways to stay for a moment longer. Most of the time, events around us ripped those hopes right out of my heart.

I knew what I had to do. I knew there was only one important thing in all of creation, and that thing had curly golden hair and big eyes and a defined jawline. It was six feet tall, but not as tall as me, so it had to rise to its toes in order to plant kisses on my lips. "I want to move back to New York," I said, hearing the words aloud for the first time.

Luke stopped abruptly on the hillside we had been descending toward the bottom of the Forum. "What?"

The words were out of my mouth already. There was no way to take them back and search for a better way to say them. "My parents took me away from that city when I was too young to fight back or stay on my own."

"And that's why you want to return?" Luke asked in a skeptical tone.

I rolled my shoulders innocently and gestured forward with my head. It was still early enough in the day so that the Forum wasn't crowded. We moved from one shade to the next; patches of grass framed by dirt paths exhibited ancient rocks of toppled columns. "Sure," I said. "I'm ready for another adventure."

"You're ready to leave everything you worked for just to…do what?" Luke walked shoulder to shoulder with me, his eyes flashing with annoyance, among other things.

"Wouldn't you like it if I lived in New York?" I asked bluntly enough to startle him.

"I don't own the city," he replied in a breathy tone. We slowed down by the Temple of Antoninus and Faustina. Luke gazed at the chipped and chiseled columns and the brick-and-mortar structure behind them.

The Forum and the Colosseum had served at the Vatican's personal marble quarry for centuries. Popes had brought down temples of immense historic importance in order to build their own. And so I told Luke.

He nodded and sucked his teeth. "Such a shame."

"More than that," I said. "It wasn't just that there was plenty of marble in the heart of the city. There were extra points for tearing down something pagan."

"Tearing down the past," Luke said sadly. He shook his head. "What would you do in New York?"

"I'm not sure yet," I said, turning us around to gaze at the Regia before pointing at the Temple of Vesta. Luke followed along, but he was clearly frustrated with me. I didn't blame him, but I also didn't mind it. "I might like to start over."

"Start over?" he asked, his voice trembling a little. It was so small that I almost missed it.

"Start over," I repeated simply. Then, realizing I was only making him more tense, I elaborated. "I want a clean slate, Luke. A new job, a new place to live, a chance to get things right. "

Luke's face darkened. He wasn't looking at Vesta's Temple, one of the finest remnants of the Roman times. Instead, he was looking away. He blinked fast and looked down at the grassy slope between us and the temple. "‘Get things right' how?" he asked in a quiet, insecure voice.

"Do you really not know what I'm talking about?" I asked, my tone carrying a slight edge.

"No, Rafael," he said. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I let out a short huff as I turned on my heels and faced the narrow path toward the House of the Vestals. It was walled off from all sides and had a courtyard in the middle with two artificial ponds. The house wasn't open to visitors, but its promenade was lined with marble statues. It was a pocket of the Forum that was often quieter than most of Rome. I walked toward it, my lips curving down with disappointment.

I had hoped for a little more enthusiasm. "You don't get it," I whispered when Luke's footsteps caught up with me. "You just don't get it."

"What don't I get?" he demanded, his tone firm on the surface, but a storm brewed beneath.

"I missed you, Luke," I said. "We had two years to let go, and we couldn't. Don't even bother telling me you succeeded. You're here, and you don't even know why. You just came here on a whim, without a plan, without a goal. So don't tell me we're done when it's obvious that we're not."

"You think I'm the one who doesn't get it?" he asked, a frown creasing the space between his eyebrows. " You're right. I don't know why I'm here. I was compelled, but that's about as much as I can tell you. Something pulled me back to you, and I don't know if it's regret or guilt or a need for closure. Hell, I don't even know if I want to leave here with you or with a guarantee that it's over." He blinked fast and turned away from me. We were all alone in the courtyard of the House of Vestals, the murmurs of the city growing so faint and distant that we might have been the only people on the entire planet.

I could hear the beating of my heart. I could feel it in my throat. "If you really came here just to break up with me in person, then I obviously have no idea what the last two years were like for you."

Luke rubbed his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "That's not why I came, and you know it."

He was right. My words were a low blow, and I regretted saying them. But my heart was bruised when it had never properly healed, so I pursed my lips and stared at him, waiting.

Waiting.

It felt like I had waited an entire eternity. Luke glanced at me, then looked decidedly away. Clear tears welled in his eyes, and he sniffed. "I had to know," he whispered.

I waited again, holding my breath because breathing made my chest shake too much. My fists were tight so that my fingers wouldn't tremble.

"I had to see you to know." He pressed his lips tightly together and looked at me. He gazed at me for a long moment. "I'm not over you, Rafael. I'm not. But that doesn't solve anything."

"Imagine how I feel, then," I said, hurt still ripping through me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Luke, we both know it."

"Know what?" he asked, taking a step back.

I frowned. Why was he so stubborn? "We both always knew I fell harder."

His eyes widened, and his nostrils flared. His lips pressed together so tightly that they turned white. "Do you really believe that?" he asked.

"You dumped me," I said. "You broke up with me."

If ice could burn, that was what Luke would be at this moment. He made two steps toward me, lifted his chin, and bared his teeth. "You have no idea what you're talking about." And in the next instant, he spun away from me as if he never wanted to see me again.

I opened my mouth to say something, but my voice was gone. I stared after him as he stormed down a gravelly path that surrounded the green lawn and square ponds.

Had I just lost him again? Had I really said something that erased the tiny chance for reconciliation? I hadn't spent all these years practically waiting around for a miracle just to let one pass me by when it happened.

I wouldn't let that happen. I refused to let this be the end. And before I knew it, I was hurrying after him .

Luke

Gravel crunched under his shoes. My heart pounded louder and faster than I had realized it could. Nails dug into my palms as I tightened my fists.

"Wait," Rafael said. It was a plea and a command in equal parts.

I halted and spun to face him. Had he allowed me to storm out, maybe it could have ended there, but since he came after me, I needed to say my piece. "Are you serious?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Rafael said.

"Oh yeah? You didn't mean it like I cared less?" I demanded.

"It's not a competition, Luke," he said. Damn him for being so cool and reasonable, so composed and beautiful. "But when it got really tough, you were the one to walk away."

"I gave you up," I said bitterly, barely holding the tears back. "When you got a chance to move to Rome, I gave you up. So don't dare tell me you loved me more than I loved you. I loved you enough to make the right choice for you."

"You always think you shouldn't be anyone's first choice, Luke," he said. "That's why you sent me away. You couldn't fathom that I would rather have you than all my career dreams coming true."

"If I stood in the way of your dreams, you would resent me," I said. "Maybe not right away. Maybe not for years to come. But one day, you would wake up, you would look at me, and you would think about the life you could have had. You would hate me. And that is death to me, Rafael. That is worse than if I never had you at all." I sucked a breath of air and plowed right over him as he opened his mouth to speak. "And that's what will happen if you move to New York just to give us a chance. It's a debt I'll never be able to pay back. It's a sacrifice I'll never be able to make in return."

"You don't get it," he said, fear and regrets piling up in his heavy gaze. "You still don't get it."

"Tell me, then," I all but begged. "Explain it to me in words I'll understand. Is there any way you could prove to me that what scares me the most wouldn't happen?"

Even as words tumbled over my lips, determination set into his face. He crossed the short distance between us, his hands clasping my face, his lips covering mine. My voice cut off abruptly as he kissed me with a passion that made the heat of the other morning seem like a cool shower. His kiss incinerated every doubt I'd nourished all these years. It burned away every feeling of worthlessness that I had allowed myself to adopt.

And when my knees trembled and he pulled away, he looked into my eyes. "I love you, Luke."

Although my heart was empty of fears, my mind still remembered what I had been imagining for years. The desolate morning when I woke up and found his side of the bed empty because he simply couldn't take it anymore. "You love me now," I said, but the fire was gone from my voice.

"That's what you don't get," he said, hopeful and desperate for me to listen. "I don't just love you like a teenage crush in Paris, Luke. I choose to love you. Even after you dumped me. Even after I told you never to speak to me again, seeing your name on my screen made me feel more alive than I had been since the night we had sex for the first time. I choose to love you, and I keep choosing it over and over. Even when two years pass, I choose it again."

I blinked the stinging tears away. My mouth opened and closed soundlessly.

Rafael put his hands on my upper arms as if to support me. "That's the thing about happy endings, Luke. They're not endings at all. They're just a different kind of beginning. It's when the crush passes and you see all of someone's flaws, every annoying habit, every messed up misconception they have about themselves and the world they live in, and you don't just put up with them. You love them. We're all piles of good stuff and bad stuff; loving someone is just a matter of finding the right balance."

My heart pumped my blood fast. Was it possible that I had denied us so much happiness because this was what I couldn't understand?

"You say you love me more, and I'll challenge that for as long as I breathe, but it's really not a competition, Luke," Rafael said, releasing me carefully and stepping back. "It's a promise, and that's all it is."

"A promise," I said or mouthed, I couldn't tell over the thunderous beating of my heart.

"You said it yourself," he reminded me. "We were like young gods. We were ready to take on the world. Is it really too late?"

"I could never ask you to leave th… "

"You don't have to," he said, cutting me off before my insistence could anger him. I suppose that was what accepting and loving someone's annoying habits meant. "I'd never wait long enough for you to ask me. It's my choice. If I want to start from scratch in New York, it's my decision to make." He inhaled, his chest puffed out with bravado, and exhaled. "It's the decision I already made."

Stunned, I stared at him, not sure which feeling dominated over the others. The steel-like determination existed in the depth of the perfect storm that raged through me. And, if he was right, that right there was love.

"New York, Tokyo, a back alley in rural Spain. Where you go, I go," he said.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," I whispered, too scared of losing him again to believe his words.

Rafael blinked and tilted his head to one side. "I never, ever would."

I sucked a shallow breath of air. "Rafael…"

"Marry me," he said. "Marry me, Luke."

"What?" It was barely a whisper, more a breath drawn sharply.

"We've danced this dance for nine years," he said, his face glowing with possibilities, with hope, with passion only Rafael was capable of. "And for nine years, whenever I imagined what my life would be like, you were there. That was all I knew. On some Thai island or in a remote cabin deep in Norway or under a goddamn bridge."

"But… "

Rafael grinned as he dropped onto one knee. "I don't have a ring, Luke, but I'll get you one. I'll get you a ring today." Instead of offering a ring, he opened his left hand, palm up, and gazed into my eyes. "You are the only one I ever loved." My body tingled as I looked at his smile and his teary eyes. He batted those impossibly long lashes at me, and I was done for. "Will you marry me, Luke Whitaker?"

My hand was in his before I knew what I was doing. My brain was slow, but my heart knew we were tied for the rest of eternity. My fingers twined with his as we pressed our palms together. He turned his hand around and held mine with the back facing up, his lips touching my smooth skin with softness and heat I knew so well and loved so much.

"Is that a yes?" he whispered.

I knelt, my gaze level with his. "I promise to love you no matter what."

"Even when I'm right about everything all the time?" Rafael asked with the sounds of laughter on the horizon.

"Yes," I confirmed seriously.

"Even when I'm so calm that it looks like I don't care?" he asked, now a little fearful.

"Always," I said.

"I promise to love you no matter what, too," he said.

There was no paper we needed to sign and no authority to declare us married, but in our hearts, we knew we were married already. It wasn't a contract, an agreement between parties, but a promise.

"I love you," I said .

"I love you more," he teased, and I tightened my grip on his hand. In the next instant, we leaned in, and our mouths clashed. A whimper broke out of me, and with it, every last trace of worry disappeared. A happy ending wasn't an ending at all, but a different kind of beginning. It was the beginning of a life that was in no way perfect—nothing ever was—but it was a life we chose, a life we wanted, a life we could make for ourselves.

I kissed him deeply, my free hand on the back of his head. His fingers ran through my curls, and he thrust his tongue into my mouth. I accepted it, loved it, and let it explore me in the most intimate and passionate ways.

I realized that his cheeks were wet right around the time when my rolling tears tickled me. I pulled back from him and looked at the glistening skin on his face, the wet streaks, the broad smile, and the big, blazing eyes.

"What if we…?" I began but let my voice trail.

Rafael smiled as we stood and neared one another. "Whatever worry you're pulling out of your deep subconsciousness, we'll deal with it when it happens."

I laughed shortly, new tears welling in my eyes. Pulling him in, I simply hugged him, held him close, and let my body feel him for an endless while.

"That was kind of sudden, huh?" Rafael asked, his hands moving all over my back.

Sudden? Yes. It felt a little sudden, but it also felt absolutely perfect. I would marry him. Part of me had always thought I would marry him. Even when it was the least likely, I had hoped to marry him someday. "Every time I lost you," I said, "I didn't let it be the end."

Rafael pulled back a little to look at my face. "I don't even know what's up with fate," he said with a smile. "It brought us together twice, impossibly, then it worked overtime to take you away from me."

"And if it tries again?" I asked, though I didn't need a definitive answer.

"Nobody can lose a fight that many times and keep trying, my love," Rafael said. Then, with a teasing smile touching the corners of his lips, he added, "It would have to be as stubborn as you."

"Shut up and kiss me," I huffed, grabbing his shirt and pulling him in.

His mouth pressed against mine, the kiss reassuring me over and over that this was the only right way to end a decade of yearning and lusting and loving. And not just to end it but to start a different one.