Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

Luke

He took me to the heights of the Altar of the Fatherland, overlooking the entire city. Immense chariots adorned the ends of the iconic building, and the climb left my legs trembling. There, holding my hand, Rafael whispered to me to look at Rome and simply exist in this moment.

Existing in the moment was never simple, least of all when my heart was splitting at its seams. The stitches had never had it together well, but now they ripped every time I glanced at Rafael.

"I can't believe we're here," I said as fresh, golden light poured over the bustling streets of Rome. Pastel facades and terra cotta roofs dotted every hill and framed every square all the way to the massive dome of St. Peter's Basilica in the distance.

"There are a few viewpoints in Rome you can't miss," Rafael explained, his fingers threaded through mine. "This is one of them. The Spanish Steps are another. You'll see the views from the Palatine later. The city's built on seven hills, so you can always find a good spot for crazy views."

"That's not the ‘here' I was talking about," I said. "But yes, that, too."

"Which ‘here' did you have in mind?" Rafael asked, his finger closed around my hand.

I swallowed something big and lumpy that had inexplicably appeared in my throat. "When you told me never to speak to you again, I thought that was the last of us."

His grip loosened, although he didn't pull his hand away. "You hurt me."

"I hurt myself, too," I said, not to keep a scoreboard but to make him understand that I hadn't done it just because I had felt like hurting his feelings.

"I meant it," Rafael said, releasing my hand and tucking both of his inside his pockets. He straightened his back and gazed out. "When I said it, I hoped that would be the end."

I didn't know if there was a way to say that maybe it should have been without it sounding like the most horrible thing. The difficult part was no longer behind us but ahead again. Another goodbye, another bubble bursting.

I was trapped in an endless cycle. Seeing him never failed to give meaning to my life, but it always came with the dread of having to let him go by the following hour. It was as though I couldn't exist without the fear clawing at my heart. When I gave him up, I lived without any hope at all, but when I drew him back, all I wanted was to kill the spark of hope I'd sought.

"Even last night," Rafael said, "when I saw your name, I was angry that you broke your end of the promise."

I nodded, a small smile curling the corners of my lips. "That's how I imagined you."

"Only for a moment," Rafael explained. "I can't tell you how relieved I was when you invited me out."

Even when I couldn't be sure Rafael was still the same person I had fallen for, he was exactly who I wanted him to be. He was glad to see me, and he was brutally honest in telling me it had only happened because I had broken my vow of eternal silence.

"We lost two years, Luke," he said softly, nearing me so that his left arm pressed against my right.

Putting it like that made it seem like there was a way to make up for them. I blinked quickly, chasing those thoughts away. There wasn't a way. We'd tried the only way there was, and it was as disastrous as it could have been.

"It felt like all the fights we had were meaningless when there was a chance to see you again," Rafael said bluntly. "Because we always knew how to have a good time."

I turned away from him and gazed out at the city skyline. Everything looked so small from this high above the ground. The white marble reflected the sunlight and lit up the Altar of the Fatherland. "We did know that," I agreed. "But…"

"But. There's always a but," Rafael said. I wasn't sure if he was entertaining some serious ideas or simply reminiscing. Both of those blades were sharp and dangerous. They could slice my heart before I knew what was happening.

"It's like the entire world's against it," I said.

Rafael stepped closer to me and waved one hand dismissively. "The world's always against something."

With a snort and a chuckle, I shook my head, locks of hair flying. "Where to?" I asked, lifting my head.

Rafael was ready, almost like he had been thinking the same thing. "Come. There's more history to unpack." He spoke while pointing in the direction of the ruins of the Roman Forum. His words didn't promise that it was Roman history he was talking about.

Following without missing a step, I was equally tempted and terrified by the archeological work before us. There were years and years, entire eras, that we needed to dig up, dust off, and put the pieces together. Revisiting the history of us was as complicated and challenging as it must have been for historians and archeologists to uncover the layers of this city buried so deep.

Rafael made a stop at the foot of the Altar and on the way to the Forum, ordering us cornettos and espressos in a narrow bar. We had our breakfast and coffee standing, Roman-style, and continued the tour ten minutes later. Even as we walked toward the Forum, the image of Rafael biting the flaky dough of the cornetto and shooting me a mischievous look burned brightly before my eyes. His perfect teeth, his pretty lips, his smooth, bronze skin, and the quiet mm of pleasure at the first bite sparked the images of the boy he had been in Paris when we walked through the alleys with ice cream cones in our hands and wild hopes in our hearts.

"Do you ever think how different our lives would be if we hadn't met?" I asked.

Rafael glanced at me and looked away thoughtfully. "You can say that about most things."

"Yeah, but the effect you had on me was always the most immediate," I said. I'd given this some thought throughout my life. I knew the slippery logic of the butterfly effect, but Rafael was more than an accident. He was a fact of my entire being. "Who knows when I would have had the courage to come out. If ever. Or if I would have ever discovered how fulfilled I am when I draw and write. It's just so hard to imagine what my life would be like if we hadn't crossed paths in that bookstore."

Rafael slowed down by the statue of Julius Caesar along the broad street that led toward the Colosseum and the Forum. "I don't like imagining my life without you."

"We had a good two years of practice," I said.

"Did we?" Rafael grinned and wiped the smile off a moment later. "Because I wasn't exactly without you all these years." My frown prompted him to continue. "We lost touch. I didn't think we'd ever meet again, but I still had all the memories. Your first book is still on my shelf. Your old sketchbook is still in my desk drawer. It's still my face your most popular character wears. I lost you, Luke, but I didn't erase you. "

Fears and regrets clutched my heart so suddenly that I almost stumbled. "I hid you away."

He nodded.

"The photo from Kufstein, I hid it on top of the shelf so I wouldn't have to think of you every time I sit in my chair and look up." I licked my lips. "I forgot about it until I was dusting. I knocked it down and broke it. It felt like…" My voice trailed. It felt like I had broken him all over again. I drew a deep breath of air and looked at Rafael. "I want to say that I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Rafael. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"But?" He wore a little smile that was more a mask of bravery than any particular joy.

"But the truth is, if we had to go through all of that again, I don't think I would change anything." I hated myself for saying this. I hated myself even more for feeling this way.

Rafael nodded his acceptance.

"Hurting you was never what I wanted to do, but there was no way to break the lie we were living in without breaking both our hearts." My voice was tight, my mouth dry.

Rafael cleared his throat and pointed. "Over there's the entrance," he said.

To our right, the Colosseum towered with all its immensity. It was like one of those things you saw in photos your whole life and thought they couldn't possibly be that good in person, but when you saw them, they were so much more than you could have expected. We didn't go toward the Colosseum. Instead, Rafael led us to the left, where the entrance to the sprawling Forum Romanum and the Palatine Hill was.

Passing the Arch of Constantine, we climbed Via Sacra and queued for our tickets, letting the silence draw out. Breaking up with him had nothing to do with me hating him. I had never hated him, and I never would. Rafael had imprinted himself onto so much of my soul that I could never feel anything other than what I always felt for him. Those things weren't up for discussion.

But to break free from the past that had never been leading us to a happy ending, I'd had to leave Rafael behind. It was just that severing the bond had failed. I'd never managed to be completely done with him. Even when I knew I would never see him or speak to him for the rest of my life, some small part of me expected to run into him in the next life or another universe. Even in those hours, there was no doubt in my mind that we were destined to do this over and over until the end of time.

Whatever we had done in a life long gone to deserve this cycle of hope and pain must have been truly terrible. But it was alright. I glanced at Rafael now and remembered how happy I could be when nothing else existed. With him, I could spare a minute to just be glad we existed in the same world and at the same time.

Even if it could never last.