41. Stella

Chapter Forty-One

STELLA

It annoyed me how much I missed Hudson. I was relieved that Tish called me to remind me that she was hosting card night at her place. I needed some distraction, near desperately.

I eyed Butter and Biscuit who were waiting patiently in the kitchen. They had an automated feeder, but we spoiled them with canned food. I filled their bowls and gave them each a chin scratch. “I’ll be back,” I said as if they understood me.

Butter twitched his tail, while Biscuit was too focused on her food to notice when I left the kitchen. I glanced out over the lake as I pulled out of the driveway. Although spring was on the way, the lake was still frozen. Growing up in Alaska, I was accustomed to spring not really happening until late May, or thereabouts.

When I arrived at Tish’s place, there was plenty of food. Someone had brought two large casserole pans of homemade mac and cheese.

“Oh, my God,” I said, my mouth watering just looking at it. “That looks amazing. Can I help?” I asked Tish as she set stacks of paper bowls and plates in the middle of the table.

Tonight’s potluck was a hodgepodge. Sometimes we were organized enough to have a theme, but not always. In addition to the mac and cheese, Casey had brought a box of the new donuts that Janet was selling at Firehouse Café now.

Casey smiled when I sat down beside her. “I love this.”

“The food?” I prompted.

“Well, the food looks great, but I feel like I’m making friends,” Casey explained.

“I totally understand.” I nodded vigorously. The group tonight included me, Tish, Maisie, Jasmine, Lucy, Tiffany, and Madison so far. With Graham’s crew out, that meant many of us were quietly keeping worry at bay about firefighters we loved.

“Do you miss Hudson?” Madison asked.

I missed Hudson to the point my heart stung from the pain of it. And yet, I hadn’t really talked about our breakup. I took a shaky breath as I nodded.

Madison’s eyes narrowed. I had come to really like Madison. Although her beauty was intimidating at first, she was a sensitive, kind friend.

“What is it?” she pressed. “We all miss our guys when they’re gone, but it seems like there’s something else going on.”

For a beat, I thought I could hold it together, that I could play this off. Instead, I burst into tears. Tish curled her arm around my shoulders, and the whole story spilled out.

I finished with, “And, like an idiot, I don’t even know if I love Hudson, but I said I thought I did and it freaked him out. There’s a reason I don’t do relationships.”

“I don’t do them either, but I’m wondering if you have a better reason than me,” Casey chimed in.

“It’s nothing major. Just that I don’t have the best judgment, or my hormones don’t,” I replied, my shoulders sagging with a sigh.

“Hormones generally have great judgment,” Amelia interjected dryly as she sat down at the table.

“Hudson seems like a really good guy,” Tish offered softly from my side.

I cleared my throat. “My mom takes wearing her heart on her sleeve too far. It’s like a competitive sport for her. I spent my childhood watching her desperately fall for one guy after another who didn’t want anything serious, or were total assholes. I promised myself I would never let myself end up in that position.”

Madison studied me from across the table. “You don’t sound desperate for Hudson. You totally have it together. You just finished law school.”

Maisie’s curls bounced with her nod. “You are badass.”

My heart pounded along unsteadily. “I am?”

Tish nudged me with her shoulder. “Remember when we met last year? My life was a hot mess.”

“It was not!” I insisted.

“Maybe that’s how it looked from the outside, but—” She shrugged. “It didn’t feel like that to me at all. My point is you might feel like you don’t have it together, but you’re doing better than you think.”

Madison chimed in, “You should’ve seen me when I ended up here. I was broke. All I had was my dog, my car, and the place my grandfather left me. That’s it.”

“Really?” I squeaked.

“Really,” Madison said. “Most of us forget to consider that the way it looks on the outside probably isn’t how it feels on the inside.”

I took a shaky breath.

“Some people are just better at making it seem like they totally have it figured out. I don’t totally have it figured out, but being a dispatcher has taught me a lot. It kind of sharpens moments and perspective,” Maisie offered. “But back to Hudson, maybe talk to him again. I don’t know if you love him. Only you know the answer to that, but it’s possible you overreacted,” she said carefully.

I rolled my eyes as a laugh rustled in my throat. “Maybe.”

Tish squeezed me again. “Mac and cheese usually makes things better, so eat some. When the guys get back, maybe you can have a conversation with Hudson. I’m not saying it will all work out, but my guess is?—”

Several phones rang, chimed, and buzzed in rapid succession. Madison glanced down at her phone screen. “It’s Graham, let me get the update.” She hurried away from the table.

Moments later, she returned. “They’re flying back tomorrow.” Her gaze bounced to me. “Graham said Hudson feels like an idiot.”

“Really?” I felt ridiculous, but that gave me a little sprout of hope inside.

“Really,” Madison said as she sat down.

“I probably shouldn’t be happy about that,” I added, feeling a little sheepish.

“Feel happy,” Maisie said. “He should feel like an idiot.”

I drew in a slow breath. As conversation moved along, I pondered my heart. I knew I loved Hudson. I didn’t know if it was going to work out, but it was important for me to actually communicate with him about it.

The following morning, I woke early. I was meeting my mom and Parks for coffee. I was adjusting to thinking of him as my dad, but calling him Parks suited us both.

As we were walking out after getting coffee, they were planning another visit to Willow Brook in the summer. I smiled between them. “It’ll be good to see you both again. I’m sorry Parker had to leave while you were visiting.”

Parks smiled widely. “It’s his job.” His pride about Parker was endearing.

When Parks slipped back inside to use the restroom, my mom tipped her head to the side. “Are you ready for your exam?”

“Hope so,” I said, not wanting to dwell and let my anxiety tie me up in knots.

She reached for both of my hands when we stopped beside my car. “How do you feel about your dad?”

I paused, taking stock inside. “I’m glad to meet him. I know I technically met him before, but I don’t remember. I’m glad he’s doing better. I’m also glad you two seem to be reconnecting. I know that’s something you’ve always wanted.”

My mom was quiet for a moment, her eyes shining with tears. She squeezed my hands hard before releasing them and pulling me into one of her fierce hugs. When she stepped back, she brushed her hands over my shoulders. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

Parks had returned and looked at me with his brow furrowed. “Are we ready for a hug?”

I studied him. His face was weathered and his eyes were warm. I saw the flicker of uncertainty there. I knew he’d scraped by most of his life. He’d gotten sober and was trying to keep his life together. I knew that was more than challenging for anyone.

Emotion tightened in my throat as I smiled. “Of course.”

He gave me a quick hug, his embrace firm. When we stepped apart, my heart felt squeezed tight. “I’m glad you both came to visit. Parker’s supposed to be back later today, you know?”

Parks nodded. “We have to catch our flight. He knows that. We’ll see him next time.”

I watched as they drove away before I climbed back in my car to go home. I planned to study this morning before I went to the office this afternoon.

When I got home, I decided to let the cats out on the porch. Hudson already had a habit of doing that with Butter because he liked to watch things. I got my laptop set up at the kitchen counter and was deep into reviewing an entire section of my exam prep when Butter began meowing. He was the more vocal of the two. I got up to let him in, but he wasn’t by the door. He was sitting on the railing looking down, and there was no sign of Biscuit.

When I looked beyond the railing, I could see her bounding bravely through the snow toward the edge of the lake.

“Biscuit!” I exclaimed.

She ignored me. Scrambling, I scooped Butter off the railing and carried him inside.

I raced into the entry area, stuffing my feet into my boots and flinging a jacket on before running outside to the back of the house. By the time I got to the backyard, Biscuit had walked out onto the ice and was peering into an ice fishing hole someone had used earlier in the winter.

I wasn’t thinking about the possibility that it was almost spring and the ice was getting thinner. My mind was solely focused on making sure Biscuit was safe.

I kept calling her name, which was pointless. Maybe some cats came when they were called, but Biscuit wasn’t one of those cats. I stepped out onto the edge of the ice.

Biscuit finally looked my way and began to walk toward me. I heard a sharp snapping sound under my feet before the ice broke open abruptly.

My mind blanked at the shock of the icy water and my breath ceased in my lungs.