35. Hudson

Chapter Thirty-Five

HUDSON

Stella’s words played like a broken record in my thoughts. The repetition was making me restless and irritable.

I wished the crew would get a call out to a fire. I needed something, anything, to keep me occupied. While I was mentally trying to run from my feelings, my feelings were punching me in the heart. I knew how I felt about Stella and it terrified me.

At the station, I put myself through a punishing workout. After a round of weights, I hopped on the elliptical and settled into an interval workout for a solid hour.

Parker was leaving the workout area when I walked in. I caught his gaze as he swiped a towel across his face. “Later,” he said, his tone light. His smile was friendly and easygoing.

Meanwhile, my smile felt brittle, just like my heart. Parker had turned out to be prescient to worry about me hurting Stella. He would fucking kill me if he knew how panicked I was.

After I finished working out, I took a scalding hot shower and got ready to leave. It was early evening. With it being late winter, the days were getting longer. Leo was sitting in the kitchen area with Beck, Griffin, and Graham. Graham glanced over at me. “Come to Wildlands with us.”

“Okay,” I said immediately.

This was perfect. I didn’t need to go home, I didn’t need to worry about figuring out how to have any kind of interaction with Stella. Not yet.

“Are we leaving now?” I asked when I paused by the table.

“In a hurry or something?” Beck drawled, his perceptive gaze coasting over my face.

I shrugged. “I guess I’m in a hurry to eat because I’m starving.”

That seemed good for Beck, although his eyes narrowed for a beat before he nodded.

“Let’s roll then,” Graham replied.

A short while later, we were at Wildlands. The group had expanded beyond Graham, Leo, Beck, Griffin, and me to include Cade, Jonah, Wes, and Donovan with others filtering in. We occupied two large round tables, hastily dragged together. I ended up seated between Leo and Beck with Wes and Griffin across from us.

“How’s the new cat?” Wes asked after a waiter delivered the drinks to our table.

I glanced over, my blank look causing his brows to rise as he studied me. “Tiffany told me Stella brought Biscuit home. How’s Butter handling it?”

Leo glanced between us. “Cats named Butter and Biscuit?”

“They’re getting along great,” I replied.

“Awesome.” Wes grinned. “Tiffany loves being a pet matchmaker.”

“How are you and Stella doing?” Griffin asked.

“Oh, we’re great,” I said, probably too quickly.

“Yeah? You don’t sound great,” Beck interjected.

Wes eyed him. “I think you missed your calling, Beck,” he said dryly.

“What do you mean?” Beck countered.

“You’re always grilling people on their relationships, you should’ve been a therapist,” Wes teased. His gaze arced to Leo. “Are you single?”

“Uh, yeah,” Leo replied, giving Wes the side-eye.

“Watch out, man. Beck’s gonna give you the whole spiel on how great marriage and kids are. To be honest, I was skeptical, but I’m all in now,” Wes replied.

Griffin lifted his hand to slap a high-five across the table. “Same here.”

I took a gulp of beer, relieved when a waitress arrived at our table. I glanced up to notice it was the same woman who was also working at Firehouse Café. “Oh, hey there, Casey,” I said. “You working here too?”

She smiled brightly, her ponytail swinging with her nod. “I’m only part-time here, just picking up shifts when they need someone. I see y’all are all set with the beer, but what can I get you for food?”

Wes glanced around the table. “Should we keep it simple and just get combo orders we can share?”

Casey shrugged. “Order whatever y’all want.”

“How about whatever’s fastest?” I interjected. “Can we start with a couple of those variety appetizer platters?”

“Absolutely.” Casey’s gaze circled the table, quickly counting. “There are ten of you, so maybe four platters.”

“How about some of the slider platters for burgers,” Beck suggested. “That should be enough.”

When we nodded in collective agreement, Casey grinned. “You guys are awesome! You’re making my job really easy.”

“Hey, we aim to please,” Beck quipped.

Casey hurried off. By the time the night rolled to a close, I knew I’d had a little too much to drink to drive myself home. As I was contemplating what to do about this, Leo happened to be walking beside me in the back hallway. “You need a ride?” he asked.

“That would probably be smart. Do you mind?”

“Of course not,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder. “Just tell me where to go. Let’s make sure your truck is locked up.”

After I confirmed that, I followed him over to his truck. When I climbed in, I had to fumble to get my seatbelt buckled. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes for a minute, and willing the spins to stop.

“I don’t usually drink that much,” I mumbled as I opened my eyes and straightened, relieved to discover that I could at least see straight.

“No worries,” Leo commented as he started the engine. “Where to?” he asked a moment later at the entrance to the parking lot.

“Take a left, I’m not that far away. Where are you staying in town?”

“Just a little way out of downtown. I only had one beer, so…”

We fell into silence for the drive with me offering guidance on the few turns to get to my place. Leo glanced over once he stopped in front of the house. “You good?” he asked as I began to climb out of the truck, stumbling slightly when my boot caught on a piece of gravel.

Clearing my throat, I straightened, steadying my balance. “I’m good. Appreciate the ride home.”

He nodded. “Anytime. You have a ride to get to your truck in the morning?”

“I’ll work it out. Thanks again.”

With a wave, I closed the door and waited as he backed up and drove away. His headlights arced across the front of the house when I began walking up the steps. I wondered if Stella was awake and kind of hoped she wasn’t. At the same time, I hoped maybe she was. You see, she soothed my heart, and that fucking terrified me.

A moment later, I was standing in the kitchen. Stella finished putting a plate in the dish rack and turned to face me. She tipped her head to the side. “Are you okay?”

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. “I can’t be in love,” I announced.

She blinked before pain flashed in her gaze. “Okay,” was all she said.

I stood there, all the while my heart felt like a jackhammer against my ribs, threatening to crack them into pieces. Maybe they would shatter just like I had shattered myself.

“That’s it?” I prompted.

“Hudson, what do you expect me to say? That’s not rhetorical. I told you I thought I loved you. Tonight, you show up and announce that you can’t be in love. It’s fine.” She shook her head with a sigh. “When this all started, we were on the same page. I guess we still are. I didn’t mean to catch feelings, but I think it’s best that we reset.”

“Reset?” A sense of panic started to churn in my chest as my heart continued battering my ribs.

“It was a mistake to let this even start. It was a mistake for us to sleep together and I’m not talking about the sex part. I’m going to wish you agood night. The cats are asleep upstairs on my bed. Should I bring Butter down to you?”

“What? No!” I shook my head wildly.

“You don’t want me to bring Butter to you?” she pressed. Her expression was flat and hard to read. I wanted to pound my fist against the wall she was building between us. It was invisible, but it felt impenetrable.

“No, I don’t want you to go sleep by yourself.”

Stella was quiet for several long beats while the panic continued to pound its unruly fist inside of me. “You can’t be in love, and I think I am. We’re going to rewind. I’m an expert at boundaries when I need them. I’m going to close the door to my stairs and go to bed. You’re going to sleep downstairs. If you want Butter with you, tell me now.”

I couldn’t separate Butter and Biscuit. They were in love. I couldn’t even handle pondering what that meant in relation to me and Stella.

My entire chest hurt and I felt a little sick. “Uh, no.”

She nodded, just once, and walked past me. I had to curl my hands into fists to keep from reaching for her.