21. Hudson

Chapter Twenty-One

HUDSON

Four days later

When I got home from a busy day at work, a massive moose was standing beside the front steps. Unable to get him to move along with a honk of the horn, I resorted to tossing a few snowballs at him, which finally encouraged him to amble into the trees. Once the coast was clear, I hurried inside. Butter greeted me at the door.

I actively ignored the shaft of disappointment at Stella’s absence. She’d texted that she had meetings in Anchorage for work and wouldn’t be home until later tonight. We’d completely broken our rule not to sleep in the same bed. We broke it every night.

My need for her felt like a river breaking through a dam. I couldn’t hold it back. I felt like a reckless teenager with her. While the raw want for her was fierce, I felt as if I was tumbling into something else. But I couldn’t have more, most definitely not with Stella. She was about to be a lawyer when she passed the bar. If she knew about the shenanigans in my youth, she’d be horrified and rightfully so. I had come to a resigned peace with my past, at least for myself. Yet, I still winced inside when I thought about it. Much as I wanted to lay the blame at my father’s feet, I couldn’t. He might’ve been the one who started me down that path, but I kept going because I couldn’t keep my head out of my ass back then.

My phone vibrated with a text and I glanced down. It was Griffin asking me to meet him and some of the guys at Wildlands for food and drink.

Me: I’ll be there.

I didn’t need to linger. The place felt empty without Stella here. I let Butter back inside and gave him some fresh food before leaving. A short while later, I was seated at Wildlands with Griffin, Parker, Nate, Beck, and Leo.

“Hey, that’s mine,” Beck said, snatching the last halibut bite out of the basket, just as Nate reached for it.

Nate rolled his eyes. “Dude, we already ordered two more baskets.”

Beck shrugged, unabashed. “I’m fucking starving. I’m also exhausted.”

“Why so tired?” I asked.

“Max has a cold, which means he sleeps like hell. Maisie also has a cold. She’ll tryto drag herself out of bed even if she’s half-dead, but I try to make sure she doesn’t do that,” Beck explained.

Griffin chuckled. “You’re a good man.”

Graham arrived, sitting down beside Parker and glancing toward Griffin. “Who’s a good man?”

Griffin thumbed to his side. “Beck. He’s exhausted because Maisie has a cold and he was on kid duty during the night.”

“Totally get it. It is so much easier to have a kid when there’s more than one parent. When you’re sick, you can actually get a break,” Graham replied.

“No shit,” Beck said, nodding vigorously. “I cannot believe you raised Allie on your own until she was a teenager. The toddler phase is like being in a race that never ends.”

Graham chuckled as he leaned forward for his glass of water. “When I look back, I still don’t know how I did it. I was so fucking young.”

Parker was watching quietly, his gaze curious. Beck caught Parker’s expression and offered, “Graham got his girlfriend pregnant in high school. She was the homecoming queen. Turns out, she didn’t really wanna have a baby.” He studied Graham for a moment. “Graham is the best kind of guy. He did it on his own all the way until Allie made it to high school and then he fell in love. Allie’s in college now, right?”

Graham finished a swallow of water. “She is, and I can’t believe it.” He glanced toward Parker. “Madison and I met a few years ago. We have a toddler now, and it’s just different than doing it by myself. It also makes me feel fucking old. The only upside to having a baby when you’re eighteen—” He rolled his eyes. “Living without sleep was easier then. Now, it about kills me. What about you?” he asked, glancing between us. “You’re single, right?”

Parker nodded, and I hadn’t even noticed I didn’t reply until Beck leaned forward, his eyes on me. “Who are you seeing?”

My mind instantly offered up a mental replay of the feeling of Stella soft and warm underneath me and the sound of her crying out just before she climaxed. I kicked that train of thought away as hard as I could. “No one.”

I’d never doubted, ever, staying single. And yet, one freaking night with Stella and there were little doubts creeping in. What the fuck?

“How many kids do you have?” Parker was asking Beck.

“Two. I love being a dad. You’ll figure it out one day,” he said with so much confidence I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You think we should be having kids?” I teased.

Beck’s ready grin stretched wider. “It’s made me a better man.” He shrugged, adding, “But I completely support people who don’t want kids. It’s not for everyone.”

Parker rolled his eyes just as Graham chuckled. “It’s not. Kids are more permanent than a face tattoo.”

I almost choked on the swallow of water I’d just taken. “That’s one way to put it. Kids have feelings, unlike face tattoos,” I pointed out dryly.

A few other guys joined us and theconversation carried on. I was enjoying Willow Brook and the firefighters based out of the station here. Hotshot crews had a vibe if you will. The tone set here was one of mutual respect and support with none of that overblown masculinity kind of bullshit.

As evening rolled along, I started to wonder when Stella might get home. Considering that I had wholeheartedly set those ground rules, I was shocking myself. I rarely got involved. I was committed to keeping things superficial. Stella seemed to be on the same page.

We’d yet to speak of how we’d broken a primary ground rule the very first night. I was trying not to dwell on what that might signify. I shouldn’t care about it, but I did. My heart wanted to believe we might have something special.

“What do you think of Willow Brook?” Parker asked from my side.

I rested an elbow on the table as I glanced his way. “I like it. A lot. What about you?”

He tapped his fingers on the table. “I like it too. I’m hoping to stay here long-term. My dad is, well, being my dad. He says he’s in love again.” Parker shook his head slightly. “You know how it goes.”

“Oh, I do,” I said with feeling. “Any updates on your sister?”

Parker shrugged, his fingertips drumming more rapidly on the table. “In the waiting game. I sent her mom a message through the DNA place and she replied. I gave her my info, so if my sister ever feels like reaching out, maybe we’ll meet.”

I could see the uncertainty in his gaze. That was something you tried to mask when you were in detention. You never wanted to get too hopeful. Parker and I had some pain in common. Our dads ran in the low-level trouble circles and we didn’t have our mothers around. My mom died when I was little and his wasn’t around. “Speaking of family, do you ever hear from your mom? Sorry to bring up a painful subject, but you used to talk about her,” I added.

His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s okay. One of the reasons I always trusted you is you weren’t afraid to bring up the hard stuff, at least not with me. Never did hear from her. Sometimes I’m pissed at my dad, but then I remind myself that even if he didn’t know how to make money legally, he was there for me in his own messy way.”

I chuckled, shaking my head with him. “I’ve had similar thoughts about my dad. In the end, we’re all flawed and stumbling along doing our best. In a way, I feel lucky that I fucked up young. It forced me to try something different.”

Parker laughed with me at that. “True story. I’m really glad to see you, Hudson.”

For a beat, tears stung my eyes. My first few weeks in detention were probably the loneliest in my life. I was scared to death and I was a skinny guy at the time, not sure how to protect myself if anyone targeted me. Parker showed up and we ended up bunking together. At the time, he was skinny as hell, but tall. He was scrappy and fierce. It wasn’t that I needed someone to fight for me, but he was angrier than me back in those days. Nobody wanted to fuck with him, not after one or two attempts. He never hurt anyone, but he knew how to handle himself in a fight. He was smart, quick, and knew how to take people down. He’d also been a true friend to me.

It felt really good to find him again. “I’m really glad you’re here. Feeling kind of lucky about that,” I said. “Even though we lost touch, I always counted you as one of my best friends.”

Parker’s smile was slow. He curled his hand in a light fist and held it up for me to bump. “Same.”

As I drove home a little while later, I wondered if I could be honest with Stella about my past. These days, it felt maybe possible. Before, I had just wanted to run from it. My dad had dragged his own criminal record behind him like the albatross it was. Even though we bounced around, they were all small towns. Skagway, Fireweed Harbor, Haines, and even Juneau felt small.

My thoughts swung to my cousin Nate. Nate was another bright spot for me. He’d always been good to me when we were kids. My dad would ship me off to visit his parents. and Nate was one of those easy, welcoming guys. He made you feel like you belonged. Aside from my job, coming to Willow Brook meant being near him again.

When I saw Stella’s car when I got home, need burned like aflashfire inside. I forced myself to try to quell my anticipation. I had a whole list of reasons why I shouldn’t be getting all worked up. Not over her. Not over any woman.

I wished I could give myself the same slack I gave others. My criminal record was solely from when I was a teenager, and it all started because of my dad. And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder if I hadn’t gotten caught if I would be like my dad now.

As if he knew I was wondering about him, my dashboard lit up with a call with Dad flashing on the screen. I sucked in a quick breath, letting it out in a gust before I answered. In spite of everything, I loved my dad. He was a scrappy guy, getting by however he could. My dad would move heaven and earth for me if I needed anything.

“Dad,” I said, my lips curling in the usual wry smile he elicited.

“Hey! How ya doin’?”

“I’m doing good, Dad. You?”

“It’s been a whole week since I talked to you,” he said.

My dad called me every week. I figured he would until the day he died. I knew it would hurt when I didn’t hear from him. “I’ve been expecting your call. What’s up?”

“Not much. Trying to stay out of trouble, and I’m doing pretty well so far.”

I chuckled. “I’m proud of you, Dad.”

My eyes stung a little. After most of his adult life, as far as I knew, running one illegal thing after another to make money, my dad had started this resale business online. It was all on the up and up. The man loved collecting things, always had. When he realized maybe he could do something with all the shit he’d collected, he did. He met some woman who was actually decent. She helped him set up a website and it was working.

“Dad, I hope it keeps up for you. I love you no matter what you do.”

“I know, I know. I love you too. I wish I’d met a girl like Martha sooner. She’s good to me. Makes me want to stay out of trouble.”

I knew as well as anyone how hard it was to walk a straight line once the path you’d been following was crooked. It was hard to break away. I’d had a good probation officer who pointed me toward a job program. I did my community service at the fire station. Each little step was a cascade into something better for my life.

“How are you doing?” my dad pressed.

“I’m good, Dad. I like Willow Brook.”

“How’s Nate?”

“Pretty good.”

“Give him a hug for me. Fire season should be getting busy soon, right?”

“In another few months.” I glanced around at the snow still blanketing the ground.

“Well, my latest life advice is for you to find a good partner,” my dad said.

A laugh rustled in my throat. “Seriously, Dad? Are you giving me romance advice now?”

“Martha’s been a life changer for me,” he insisted.

“Dad, you’ve always had a good heart. I’m just glad you found someone who sees it.”

He laughed softly. “All right now. I’ll catch you next week, okay?”

“You got it. Love you, Dad.”

“Love you, son.”

After the call ended, I turned off the engine and sat in the quiet for a minute. I suppose if my dad could settle down and find love, maybe I could. But Stella was a lawyer. She would have all kinds of opinions about my youth. There was misspent youth, and then there was running drugs with your dad and spending months in juvenile detention.

I shook those thoughts away and climbed out of the truck, the cold air striking my cheeks as I jogged into the house. Disappointment struck me when the kitchen was dark and there was no sign of Stella. Seeing as we’d broken our rules already, I wanted to keep breaking them.

Yet, we hadn’t talked about what was happening. Every encounter was by chance every night. Butter came walking out of the kitchen, meowing up at me. He crossed over to Stella’s door, pacing in front of it with his tail twitching as he purred loudly.

I kicked off my shoes and hung up my jacket, walking into the kitchen instead of going down to my apartment. Butter lingered in front of Stella’s door for another minute before he stopped and sat down, staring up at it. I glanced over at him before pointlessly opening the refrigerator. I walked out to the back deck to look outside. The moon was crescent-shaped, shimmering over the icy lake outside and the stars were bright, like shards of diamonds thrown up against the inky black.

As I turned to close the door, I heard Stella. “Hey, Butter,” she said conversationally.

I walked across the kitchen toward the entryway where the door to her place was. When she saw me, her eyes widened and pink crested high on her cheeks.

“Hi!” she squeaked.

She leaned down to pet Butter who was twining around her ankles, purring like crazy. His purr was as loud as the cacophony of the rising storm inside of my body.

We studied each other as she straightened.

“What do you want?” I asked.