16. Caleb

SIXTEEN

Caleb

I’d always been a morning person—angels didn’t have to sleep, so nighttime was boring now that I couldn’t flit off to a part of the world that was awake. I already knew every language in the world—perks of being an angel, we got all the good downloads—and there was only so much to watch on TV. So the sun’s first rays peeking through the gloom were a gift, each and every day I spent on Earth.

Except today.

Today, the cold light of reality shone like a beacon on all my regrets, all my failings. I’d lain in bed tossing and turning all night, and there I stayed. The way I’d lost my wings seven years ago echoed into the present, a burn of longing that I couldn’t ignore. The longer they were gone, the more I felt the loss was permanent. My relationship with Josie back then mirrored the one that was growing now… starting with that earth-shattering kiss last night.

Even thinking about it hurt because it didn’t make sense . How could something so perfect, that seemed so clearly ordained, be at the same time everything I’d ever wanted and everything I couldn’t possibly have?

I was starting to understand why some angels fell permanently from grace. Being on the outside of love had never been a problem before Josie. It was my purpose, my calling , and I found great joy in it. But now? Now it felt hollow. Painfully empty, like opening the most beautifully wrapped gift in the world only to find there was nothing inside all the pretty paper.

I had to distance myself, stay apart from her, and that thought cut me to the quick. There was no other way to earn back my wings, and if I fell permanently… well, I’d never be worthy of her. Then, I wouldn’t even have my duty to keep me busy. I’d be forced to wander the Earth alone, cut off from the Host permanently as darkness slowly ate away at the edges of my soul, and I descended into demonic ruin.

It simply wasn’t an option.

The cruel irony that to be worthy of her I had to put her aside was like a knife twisting in my gut, and I couldn’t see any way around it.

Fifteen more minutes of wallowing wouldn’t fix it, though, so I dragged my sorry hide out of bed and into a lukewarm shower. I needed the discomfort to get myself moving.

By the time the sun was fully up, I was clean, dressed, and had found the day’s couple. Jonathan and Kim had seemed like a simple match on the surface, but they’d proven otherwise over the years.

They had similar socioeconomic, political, and religious backgrounds. They were both only children who wanted to have a large family. They even had similar taste in movies.

And yet, I could not get the two of them together to save myself. I was mentally watching Jonathan grocery shop and Kim teach a toddler gymnastics class when a rapid-fire knock sounded at my door.

Josie .

Her aura was amplified, the energy so loud it was leaking around the tiny cracks between my front door and the frame. Dread filled me as I crossed the space, but I tried to force a lid on the emotion.

It had been her idea to have a fake relationship; all I had to do now was honor that request. She didn’t know much about an angel’s Chosen; so she wouldn’t understand how significant she was to me. That was one small pain I could keep from her, at least.

I pulled the door open and found her beaming on the other side, her voice intent as though she’d been up for hours. “Good morning!”

The wave of arousal that hit me when I opened the door was nearly enough to take me to my knees. I resisted the urge to shake myself as panic swamped me. I couldn’t let this go any further than the kiss; I had to put the brakes on this relationship, once and for all.

I didn’t want to consider the horrors that a fallen, twisted cupid could wreak on humanity over a millennium.

“I thought you’d already be at the shop.”

She tucked a bouncy curl behind her ear, a flush staining her cheeks. “I was, yes, but I had to see you because… because today feels special.”

“Special? Oh! Because the party went well?” I smiled, her enthusiasm contagious, but I didn’t let her in. I needed the space to keep myself from getting too caught up.

“Exactly,” she gushed. “It was… more than I ever dared hope.”

Shit on a stick. I sucked in a deep breath through my nose, and instantly regretted it. Her arousal was heady, thick and sweet on the air. I wanted to drag her into my apartment, spread her out on my bed, and impale her with my cock. The way she smelled, the way her aura glowed , she’d not only let me, she’d beg me.

Fuck me sideways. I knew in that instant that there was only one honorable thing to do, even if it killed me. I had to use my powers to dampen that arousal, before things got out of control.

Regret burned inside me as I let the power out in a slow, miniscule trickle. Even it was reluctant, that power that usually leapt at my every command to create love and lust.

I had to keep her talking until it could take effect. “I’m so glad. I know you were uncomfortable with the idea of a fake date, but it all seemed to work out well. And thank goodness that’s over now, right? I hope you weren’t too embarrassed by the kiss, but that was the only way I could think of to sell it.” I forced a very fake smile, knowing she’d see right through it.

She bit her bottom lip, searching my face intently. “No, I wasn’t embarrassed, not at all.”

My power still wasn’t cooperating, but the rosy flush of her need was starting to dim, turning hazy black around the edges. Why was it turning black ? I’d never seen that color before, and panic started to well in my chest. Was I hurting her?

She seemed fine. Confused, but fine. Was it because I was acting against my primary directive as a cupid, to encourage love?

I didn’t know, but I couldn’t risk hurting her by using my powers in a way they weren’t meant to be used. I eased off, letting the flow of power stop. I’d have to put her off the old-fashioned way, and the thought wasn’t any more appealing.

“ Good, I’m glad. We hadn’t had a chance to talk about it before, but I was a little worried that you might have thought it was too far. Especially given our history. I promise you, though, it was all to put on a show for your parents. But your Nana was thrilled, and even Fred wants to come to the Bookish Cat. So, all’s well that ends well, I suppose. Luckily, we won’t have to do that again, right, old pal?” I pretend-punched her on the shoulder like we were old drinking buddies, barely making contact. Yet still, she stumbled back as if I’d put my weight into it and slugged her.

Or just hurt her feelings like a prick.

I hated myself for every word, but the longer she spent with me, the more off track her life was getting. I had to protect her, even from me. Especially from me.

I helped patch up a dozen other old family wounds, but she probably won’t notice those for some time. That’s all I can do; try to leave her better off than I found her.

“I—Yes. Exactly. That was always the goal.” She smiled again, but this time it was her smile that didn’t reach the eyes. A knife to my ribs would have been more pleasant. “You fulfilled your role excellently. I just wanted to come by and say thank you for all your help. That’s it.”

“Of course. You know that’s my life’s work, helping others.”

So, why does it feel so empty standing next to her? The scent and glow of her need was all but gone, turned bitter black, like dead rose petals.

I would be mourning that loss for the rest of my existence.

“Of course, right. And that’s the other reason I stopped by.” She stood a little straighter, setting her jaw in determination. “We need to work on your couples now. Can you come by after the shop closes tomorrow? ”

“Absolutely. I’ve got two couples left, and, fair warning, they’re both doozies.”

“Well, call me The Little Engine That Could , because we’re going to get them taken care of in no time.” She punched me lightly on the shoulder just like I had her, and then spun on her heel. “Got to get back to the shop now—so many things to do—but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” I called after her retreating back. She didn’t turn around.

I still want her to turn around.

“You’ve barely touched your lemonade. Are you sick? Do I need to call a doctor?”

Victory’s joking question startled me out of my malaise as I stared at the passing traffic. I wasn’t even using my senses. I was truly just staring out into the void.

Heavens help me, I had it bad. Seeing Josie that morning, keeping her at arm’s length… It had taken a toll.

“I’m fine, just distracted.” I forced a smile, but I knew she didn’t buy it.

“Okay, well, you’d better drink up or else I won’t be able to earn my tips today.” She rapped twice on the table before leaving me to my gloom, heading off to a table of orc warriors. They could be mistaken for humans—most likely pro wrestlers, given their bulk, but humans nonetheless—if people didn’t notice the small tusks protruding up from their bottom lips. An odd supernatural race because they looked terrifying but were actually quite family-centric. These were unmated males, though, perhaps looking for a female .

I might have used my senses any other day to see if there were any likely prospects I could nudge that way, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Instead, I picked up my lemonade and took a swig to give myself something to do. It didn’t taste the same, and I set it back on the table listlessly.

“Boy, for a man who just spent the evening fixing familial bonds so successfully, you look like somebody just kicked your dog. Or… do you prefer cats these days?”

I nearly spit out my lemonade at Gabriel’s sudden appearance.

“Gabe, we’re on a public street. You can’t just poof into existence?—”

“Relax, Caleb. Everyone passing by will think I’ve always been here. Nobody on this patio is even a little bit surprised by a sudden appearance.” He shot me a cocky grin and propped one heel up onto his other knee, the epitome of relaxed indifference.

“The waitress is nearly human.”

“The waitress is fending off five rowdy orcs who can smell that she’s fertile. She didn’t notice. What’s gotten into you today?”

“Nothing,” I snapped, and then immediately regretted it. Gabriel was one of the few members of the heavenly Host who’d stood by me, even when I screwed up. He had always been a friend, close as a brother. And here I was biting his head off.

“I’m sorry, Gabriel. Truly. I just… last night was complicated. And those complications overflowed into this morning.”

“How so?” His pose didn’t change a millimeter, but the energy in the air between us did, imperceptible to anyone without our talents .

I had to tread lightly, or even Gabriel wouldn’t deign to visit anymore. And without him to recommend my reinstatement to the Host, I’d surely be struck down permanently. But what did I tell him?

“I had to kiss her. To sell the ruse. Her parents didn’t believe I was really her boyfriend.”

His eyebrows shot up, and his foot clunked unceremoniously to the pavers beneath our feet.

“You kissed the human girl?”

I nodded, unable to hide my grimace. That was all she was to him, some human girl. But to me, she was so, so much more. And all of her was out of my reach.

“Ah, I’m sure it will work itself out. Humans have short memories; even if you stunned her a bit last night, she’ll move on.” He raised a finger to flag Victory down, already over the news of the kiss.

Me, though? I would never get over it, over her.

I was an immortal being, and she wasn’t. The enormity of it all was finally sinking in. I would be alone forever, after I watched my only shot at true love grow old and die. She would be married to someone else and have beautiful children. The best I could hope for after she was gone would be playing some twisted version of guardian angel over her descendants in between matching my assigned couples.

And all that time, for the rest of eternity, I would be unchanged—a stone unmoving in the river of humanity.

Never loved.

Always on the outside.

And for the first time in my long, long life, it felt like my heart was breaking. Turning black and decrepit, just like Josie’s aura this morning.

“So, what are you working on today?” Gabriel asked after ordering a cappuccino and biscotti. “You’ve only got two couples left on the list and the book of angelic seals to find, right?”

“Right. I’m still shadowing the couples, and Josie is going to help me with some ideas tomorrow evening, now that her party has been taken care of. Today, though, I have another man I need to ask you about.”

I definitely wasn’t changing the subject to keep him from prying into my disastrously misguided infatuation with a human.

He leaned forward, interested. “Who is he?”

“Josie’s landlord. He’s allergic to her cats and trying to make her get rid of them. I was thinking there might be a way to help him, and in doing so, help her.” I pushed an impression of the man’s face and energy signature to him, and he frowned, searching the angelic registers for him.

“Ah, yes. Herb Anderson. Looks like we have him down as a switch.”

Interesting. So, he didn’t have a pre-ordained mate, and his fate was up in the air. “So, if I can find him a match who’s also available…”

“You would have the Host’s blessing.” Gabriel shrugged and stole a fry off my plate, not concerned about the fate of a switch in the least.

“Fantastic.”

I had some research to do, but I already had someone in mind for him. I might not be able to make Josie mine, but I could still give her the best life possible, one that would allow her to keep her cats.

If that was all I could ever give her, then it would have to be enough.