Five

There's a sea of students when I step out of the elevator. Classes must have ended, because I'm bumping shoulders on my way out. I can't remember which way I'm going. There are too many thoughts running through my head. As I'm pulling my phone out, I spot someone through the crowd, making my heart drop.

But it couldn't be him.

"Daniel?"

I catch a glimpse of his red sweatshirt, the back of his head. There are too many people walking between us. I move toward him, pushing through everyone in front of me. My heart is racing as I get closer. Please let it be you. But the moment I break through the crowd, I realize it's someone else.

What's wrong with me? Of course it's not Daniel.

Haru turns around instead.

"There you are," he says, hands in his pockets. A breeze ruffles his long hair.

We stare at each other as the crowd moves around us. For a second, I'm relieved to see him again. I take a step back, reminding myself this isn't real. That he's only going to disappear on me. But I'm not sure how to wake up from this. It feels like I'm losing my grip on reality. I turn around, heading off in the other direction.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

I don't answer him. I cut through the crowd as Haru follows behind. The student fair is still taking place on the quad. But the tables handing out prizes don't remind me of the festival this time. The magic has vanished now that I know this is all in my head. Haru walks beside me, glancing at one of the games. But why does he feel so real, then? I shake the thought away and keep on walking.

A moment later, we reach the train station. As we're waiting on the platform, Haru turns to me and says, "So what's the first stop on this tour?"

I say nothing.

"Is it a surprise?"

"I'm going home," I say.

"You're not showing me around?"

"I can't anymore."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

Haru stares at me, maybe waiting for an explanation. But I don't even turn my head to look at him. Then he folds his arms and says, "Alright then. Maybe I'll give myself a tour."

"Maybe you should."

For a second, I almost take this back. But the platform begins to rattle beneath us. He isn't really there, I remind myself. Because a part of me wants to stay with him. But I have enough problems in my life to deal with. As the train roars into the platform, I turn to Haru one last time. In case I never see him again.

"You don't know how happy I was to find you again," I tell him, the train doors opening behind me. "I really wanted this to be real. But you're not him." I stand there a moment longer. "I still don't know why I can see you, but this isn't what I wanted."

Haru looks at me. "What do you want?"

"Not this."

I step inside the train. As the doors close behind me, I turn around and see Haru looking back at me through the glass. My mind goes to last summer, right before the paper slipped out of our hands and we lost each other. Then the train starts moving, leaving him standing there on the platform. But I don't watch him disappear this time. I just take an empty seat and pretend none of this ever happened.

The house is empty when I get home. Mom and Dad are working late tonight, so it's only me again. Dad is a mechanic at an auto body shop and Mom manages a convenience store on the same block. It makes it easy for them to commute together. I stand at the doorway, taking in the familiar silence. Strangely, I thought it would be more comforting. At least everything seems normal again. I grab a glass of water and head to the living room.

Usually, I leave the television on in the background. But I just sit on the couch and stare at my phone. No missed calls or new messages. Not that I'm expecting to hear from anyone. I think about texting Jasmine and telling her what happened. But how would I even begin to say it? Maybe it's better to keep this one to myself for now.

I keep glancing at the front door in case Haru followed me home. But the hours pass with no sign of him. I take a shower and sit around until my parents come home, offering to help bring in the groceries. Mom makes stir-fry and bitter melon for dinner. I take a plate back to my room where I stay for the rest of the night.

When I wake up in the morning, no one is there beside me. I stare at the empty side of the bed for a while. Eventually, I get up to check around the house. There's no sign of him. I make a bowl of cereal and eat in my room. The day goes by slowly. I play a movie in the background while I work on college applications. As I'm looking up that film scholarship, I remember the lie I told Jasmine. She thinks I made it to the next round, meaning I have to apply, even though I haven't touched my camera in several months. I spend the afternoon trying to come up with some ideas.

My parents bring home Chinese food for dinner. I have beef and broccoli with sweet-and-sour soup. Then I join Dad in the living room to watch the news together. Haru doesn't show up tonight, either. I don't know why I keep expecting him to. Maybe this was all in my head. Maybe he was never really there. Then why can't I stop thinking about him?

The days repeat themselves. I lounge around the house, applying to jobs while something plays in the background. Time passes without me noticing. I wash the dishes, take out the garbage, play around on my phone. My parents have been working late all week. I make some instant ramen with an egg and bring it to the living room. There's a romance movie marathon on some random channel. The Notebook is playing. I've watched it a hundred times, but I leave it on anyway. It's the scene where they're shouting in the rain, just before he pulls her in for a long, passionate kiss.

I turn off the television and stare out the window. It's raining hard outside again. The wind blows against the glass. For some reason, I can't get him out of my head. Haru. I wonder if he's somewhere out there. I imagine him walking around, shivering in the cold. It's been a few days since I left him at the train station. It wasn't real, I keep repeating. I push the images away and return to my room. There's still some clothes that need to be washed. As I lift my pants from the floor, something falls out of the pocket.

The paper star Haru made me. I pick it up from the floor to examine it. It's a little bent from being inside my pocket. I stare at it for a moment. If I completely imagined him, what is this doing here? And why does it feel real in my hand? A thought slowly occurs to me. If this hasn't disappeared yet, does that mean that Haru is still out there?

I can't believe I left him at the train station. Especially after I promised to show him around. Maybe it was all in my head. But if I'm being honest, it was nice having someone to keep me company. It's better than sitting home alone all day long. Who cares if no one else can see him? Because I still could.

The next thing I know, I'm grabbing an umbrella and racing out the door. Rain splashes under my shoes as I head to the train station. I don't even know where to start looking. All I know is I have to find him again. I hop onto the Yellow Line, making my way toward the Loop. Haru must be somewhere in the city. Every time the doors open, I hope it's him who wanders inside.

I reach Grand Street, where we last saw each other. Even though it's a long shot, I walk around the platform, looking everywhere for him. Of course he isn't here anymore. But I'm not really sure where to go next. There are eight different lines that run through Chicago, with more than a hundred stops, and he could be anywhere by now. Another train approaches the platform. I head through the doors and continue looking. If I wander around long enough, maybe we'll run into each other. I move between train cars and transfer lines, scanning every platform for him. But hours go by and I haven't found him.

As I'm waiting for the next stop a terrible thought hits me. What if Haru is really gone? Does that mean I'll never see him again? A chill goes through me as I think back to the last time we saw each other. I wish I could take back the things I said. As the last few days replay in my mind, I remember something else. When we were on the train together, Haru kept staring out the window. Wasn't he looking for something? He even asked if I could take him there. The moment it hits me, I jump to my feet. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

The second the doors open, I rush onto the platform and switch lines again. It's still pouring when the train drops me off at Lake Street. I hold the umbrella over my head and cross the street toward Millennium Park. The staircase is carved from stone, manicured hedges glistening on both sides like the gardens of a palace. The park is usually crowded with tourists throughout the day. But the rain seems to have cleared the entire promenade.

As I reach the top of the steps, the steel curves of the Bean rise into view. The sculpture reflects the city back like those funhouse mirrors. It looks strange without a hundred people circling around, taking photos beneath the arch. There's something dystopian about it, standing in the emptiness of the park, the rain washing over the steel body. I shiver a little as I take a look around. The Bean was the place he wanted to see most. Maybe he's here somewhere. I wander around the park, calling his name.

"Haru? Are you out here?"

It's only my voice that echoes back. I keep walking around, hoping we find each other. But it's only me out here. Maybe this means he's really gone. I never got the chance to tell him I'm sorry. A wave of sadness washes over me as the rain continues to pour. I wish I had one more chance to fix things. But I guess it's too late.

And then I see something in the distance. Someone is sit ting on the other side of the park. I didn't notice them before. I'm about to walk off when I realize it's him.

"Haru?"

He's sitting alone on a bench, illuminated by the lamplight. A single tree branch from above barely covers him from the rain. His clothes are drenched, long hair slick against his skin. How long has he been sitting out here? I take a moment before making my way over. Then I hold the umbrella above his head. But Haru doesn't bother to look up.

"Hey," I say. "What are you doing out here?"

Haru says nothing.

"I was looking everywhere for you."

Not a word.

"Are you mad at me?"

Haru looks the other way.

I let out a breath, keeping the umbrella over him. "I'm sorry for what I did. I shouldn't have left you like that. I feel really bad about it." But Haru still won't look at me. "I really want to make it up to you. I can show you around Chicago like I promised. We can even grab dinner or something. Anything you want, okay?"

Haru turns his head slowly. There's a long silence before he finally opens his mouth to speak.

"Deep… dish?"

Lou Malnati's is the best pizza chain in the city. Anyone who says otherwise probably doesn't live here. It's the first place I think of when someone wants to get Chicago-style pizza. There are only a few locations, but it's always worth a train ride. Haru and I are seated at a booth in the back of the restaurant. The place is half filled with college students, pouring beer from plastic pitchers.

The two of us are soaked from the rain. Haru runs a hand through his wet hair. His skin is dewy in the fluorescent light. He's quieter than usual, making me think he's still mad at me. I hand him the menu and say, "This is one of my favorite places for pizza. There's a lot to choose from." Daniel and I used to come here all the time. We always split the Chicago Classic and a side of curly fries.

Haru glances at the menu. "It's all deep dish?"

"Yeah, it's what they're known for."

"What do you recommend?"

"I usually get the Chicago Classic."

He nods in approval. "Sounds good to me."

"I'll get us some fries, too."

Our waiter arrives to take our order. Then he heads off again, taking the menus with him. Haru leans back in his seat and looks around the restaurant. Baseball shirts are framed along the brick walls. "This place is very… what's the word?" He rubs his chin. "American."

"Very different from the tea place," I say.

His face softens. "You remember the tea place?"

"How could I forget?" It was hidden from tourists in the back of a used bookstore. "After you made us walk all the way there for a piece of paper."

He smirks. "The piece of paper was for you."

"And you dropped it."

"No, you didn't hold it tight enough," he says.

"You should have been more careful—"

"You should have stayed with me."

We stare at each other. I'm not sure what to say to this. "I told you. My friend was waiting for me."

"So you don't regret it?"

"That's not what I said."

Haru folds his arms. "That's what I'm hearing."

I can't tell if he's serious. I lean into the table. "I tried to find you online. Do you know how many times I searched your name when I got back?" I didn't even know if it was short for anything. "I looked through tagged photos of the festival, hoping I'd find you somewhere in the background." I stare at my hands, unsure if I should be telling him this. "I even looked up the temple where we made the wishes together. I even thought about coming back to find yours. In case you wrote your last name or something."

"There were thousands of them," Haru reminds me. "How would you have found it?"

"It was the third tree by the entrance, on one of the middle branches," I say. "You wrote on a blue slip of paper."

"I'm surprised you remember that."

"Some memories are hard to forget."

He smirks at this. "I'm glad to be one of them."

I smile back at him. It's a bittersweet moment, the two of us sitting together again, reliving the past. I've imagined this conversation a dozen times in my head. I'm a little embarrassed to ask this next question. But I can't help myself. "Did you ever try to find me?"

Haru takes a second to answer. "I never stopped looking," he says. "You know, I stayed there for hours, hoping you might come back to see me. But you never did."

"I didn't know," I say.

"It's alright." Haru reaches across the table, taking my hand for the first time. "I found you anyway."

I squeeze his hand, feeling a warmth move between us. There are still a hundred questions racing through my head. But the answers to them don't matter right now. Who cares how this is possible? Maybe it's really him after all. The waiter appears with our order. So I push those thoughts away as we cut into the pizza, enjoying our dinner together.

Haru takes the train back home with me. I told him he could stay over tonight. Dad is asleep on the sofa when we step inside. He left the television on again, but it's not the usual news channel. Then I hear the familiar voice. A home movie of me and Jasmine is playing. We're probably six or seven years old here, running around in the backyard. Since Jasmine moved away, I find him watching them every now and then. Although my dad comes off as stern at times, deep down he's the most sentimental. Jasmine told me that's where I get it from.

I lead Haru to my room and close the door quietly. Our clothes are still damp from the rain. As I go through the dresser, Haru wanders over to my desk, noticing the paper star he made me.

"You kept this," he says, picking it up.

"Yeah, I did."

Haru smiles to himself as he sets it back down. He looks around the room as if seeing it for the first time. "Where should I sleep?"

"We can share the bed."

"You don't mind?"

"I mean, it wouldn't be our first time," I say.

"I almost forgot," he says with a chuckle. "Hopefully you won't scream at me in the morning this time."

"No idea what you're talking about."

I grab a clean set of clothes and place it on the bed. Then I hop in the shower, leaving Haru to change. The hot water feels nice against my skin. When I return to the room, Haru is staring out the opened window. The moment he turns around, I go still. He's wearing something I don't expect. The T-shirt I bought for Daniel's birthday.

"Where did you find that shirt?" I ask.

"I found it on your desk," he says. "The one you gave me didn't fit. Hope that's alright."

I look away. "Yeah… totally."

It's strange seeing it on him. Especially knowing Daniel never got the chance to wear it. But I don't mention this at all. Eventually, I turn off the light as we climb into bed together. It's slightly awkward at first, having someone right next to me. The streetlamp from outside gives off enough light to see his face. We don't fall asleep right away. We just lie there in the dark, staring at the ceiling. After some silence, I turn my head to look at him.

"I'm sorry I left you," I whisper.

Haru runs a hand over my cheek. "Which time?"

"Both," I say. "But I'm glad you came back."

"Always."

We don't say anything else. I just smile as we lie there together, the two of us facing each other, as we finally fall asleep.