Sixteen

I wake up to a missed call from Jasmine. She left me a voice mail.

"Hey… I thought I'd give you a call. I guess it's a bit early for you. Sorry I didn't call back sooner. I've just been busy with the move and everything. There was this issue with my passport. I'm hoping to book the flight this week. It's been a headache, figuring out all the logistics. But I hope everything's okay at home. Your last few texts had me a little worried. What have you been doing up so late? And who are these new friends you've been hanging out with?

Text me when you wake up, okay? Things are still hectic, but I'm gonna try to see you before I leave. I promise. Anyway, I'll talk to you soon."

The voicemail ends.

I've been thinking about Jasmine all morning. Sometimes I wish I could go to her room and find her writing at her desk, or playing a song on the piano. She always knew something was bothering me before I even told her. Everything's different since she moved away. It's like we're living separate lives these days. I wonder what she would say about Christian. It's been over a week since I was at his place. We haven't seen each other since then. He's been extra slow to respond lately. I think about sending him another text, but I don't want to seem annoying.

I read my last messages to him.

hi! What are you up to this weekend? I still need to return your jacket

lmk if you want to do dinner or something

No response yet. I'm sure he's just busy, though. Simon told me it's auditioning season. I think back to our last night together. " Consider yourself an exception. " I know I should probably feel a certain way about this comment, but I try not to overthink it. I hope he texts me back soon.

I climb out of bed and check my desk. I was hoping to find a paper rose from Haru. I haven't seen him since the night of the art gallery. We've never gone this long without talking before. He can't be that mad at me, can he? I wish there was a way for me to apologize. I wait for him outside after work, but he hasn't shown up yet. Maybe I'll stop by the caf é again.

I've been helping Mom around the house. She sprained her wrist a few days ago and has to stay home from work. Instead of relaxing like the doctor said, she's having me move furniture so she can vacuum the living room. For lunch, she makes scrambled eggs with bitter melon, topped with a little scallion oil. I pull up a seat at the table beside her. A curtain separates the dining room from the entryway. Mom asked me to help hang it up yesterday. Apparently, a dining table should never face the front door. " ?? nh ? v ? y th ì nh à s ? ??? c h ê n," she said. This will keep good luck from leaving . Mom is constantly rearranging the flow of energy in the house. When anything bad happens around here, she blames the furniture.

Mom places a dishcloth on the table, setting a hot pan on top. We eat in silence for a moment. Bitter melon is an acquired taste that I haven't acquired yet. But she says it's good for me. "Con c ó m ? t l á th ? . N ? a n è c ? a Jasmine g ? i." You got some mail yesterday. There's something from Jasmine.

I just nod.

"It's her birthday soon," she says.

There's a knot of guilt in my chest. Because she doesn't know about Jasmine. That she dropped out of school and is moving to another country. But I'm not going to be the one to tell her. Especially since I promised to keep it a secret.

"Con n ê n ?? n th ? m ch ? ." You should go visit her.

"I can't…" I say, shaking my head. "I have a lot of work this week." Maybe that came out a little rough, but I'm not sure what else to say. Once I finish eating, I check the time and rise from my seat. "I have to go now. Do you want me to pick anything up on the way home?"

Mom grabs a pencil and writes down a list of things from the store. Then she hands it to me, along with Jasmine's letter. " ?? ng ? i ch ? i v ? khuya qu á ," she says. Don't stay out too late again.

I bring Christian's jacket to work with me. I texted him again this morning, letting him know I have it in case he stops by the box office. Maybe we can grab dinner afterward. Simon is already there when I arrive. He usually comes in late, so I'm a little surprised to see him. I set my things down and pull out a chair. My mind is too far away to hold conversation. I fold my arms on the counter and rest my head for a moment.

"Aren't you a ray of sunshine today," he says, putting his phone away. "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing," I say.

Simon nods knowingly. "Boy problems, I see." He leans forward, patting my knee. "Tell me everything…"

I sigh. "Alright, it's Christian."

Simon pulls his chair closer, crossing one leg over the other. " Go on. "

"He invited me back to his place last week."

"And?"

"We hooked up, if that's what you're wondering."

Simon gasps. "Oh my god, how was it?"

"It was… nice."

"Just nice?"

I think about how to answer. "It's not that I didn't enjoy it. It's just, he sort of said something that threw me off. I don't know what to think of it."

"What did he say?"

I hesitate. "He told me he's not into Asian guys."

There's a long silence. Simon leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. For some reason, he doesn't seem surprised by this information. He just sighs and says, "Well, I guess the rumors are true."

"You knew about this?"

"Unfortunately," he says, shaking his head. "He's known to date white men exclusively. You know, blond hair and blue eyes. Typically six feet tall with shoes on. It's always a red flag when they hashtag #wasian on an Instagram post. I thought maybe he matured since then but clearly, I was wrong."

I lean forward. "He told me I was an exception."

Simon twists his face. "Oh god, what an ick . Please tell me you're never gonna talk to him again."

I stare at the floor.

Simon leans forward. "Eric… no . You're going to see him again after that?"

"We haven't really talked since," I admit. "I figure he's really busy. But I don't know what to think. Maybe he didn't exactly mean it that way, you know?"

"What else could he have meant?"

I say nothing.

Simon lets out a breath and says, "Listen, Eric. I get it, okay? We've all been there. Met that toxic guy we hope will treat us differently. If I thought I could convince you otherwise, I would try. But I know there's nothing I can say. So unfortunately, this is a lesson you have to learn for yourself."

Alex walks in. We don't talk about Christian for the rest of the shift. But I can't stop thinking about what Simon said. I know he's right, but it doesn't change the feelings I have toward Christian. I still want to see him again.

The sun is falling behind the theater. I'm standing outside the marquee, staring at the passing cars. Haru . It's been a week since we last saw each other. I've been waiting every night after work, hoping he'll show up again. I touch the paper rose in my pocket, remembering what he said. " He can give you a real rose, while I can only give you a paper one. " I wish I could tell him the real one has already withered away. What if that was the last time we saw each other? I shake that thought out of my head. He would never leave without saying goodbye, right?

Where did you go this time? There's still so much of the city I want to show you.

A wind blows leaves around me. I let out a breath when I realize he's not coming tonight. As I finally turn to go, my phone vibrates. There's a text from Christian.

How have you been?

Heading to the hotel rooftop with some friends if you want to meet

Bring the jacket

I nearly trip on the sidewalk. Christian wants to see me? I read the message again, making sure I understand this right. I haven't heard from him in a week. Suddenly he wants to go out for drinks? He could have at least given me a few hours' notice. I stare down at my work clothes. I can't possibly show up looking like this. His friends might mistake me for the waitstaff. I glance at the time. Maybe I can pick up a new shirt on the way. The department store is only a few blocks from here. I look both ways before I hurry across the street.

The restaurant is crowded tonight. There's a line at the front, waiting to get inside. I'm wearing a gray sweater over my work shirt, with a few sprays of Tobacco Vanilla. I recognized the cologne bottle from Christian's bathroom. He texted back a moment ago, letting me know he has a table. I walk up to the hostess and give her his name. "Right this way," she says immediately.

I follow her out to the rooftop. Christian is sitting with a group of guys, lounging in wicker chairs. A champagne bottle leans inside an ice bucket. His blond friend Nick is here, too. It takes a few seconds for Christian to notice me. He takes a sip of his drink before rising from his chair.

"Glad you're here," he says, putting his arms around me.

"Thanks for inviting me. I brought your jacket."

He smiles. "Hold it for me, will you?"

"Yeah, sure."

Nick looks up from the table. "Eric, my boy!" he shouts. He pats the empty seat beside him. "Forget Christian and come sit with me."

I glance at Christian. He chuckles a little.

"It's alright," he says.

"Okay…"

I was hoping we'd sit together. But there's not a lot of space at his side of the table. So I walk over to Nick, taking the seat next to him.

Nick slides a glass in front of me. "You're a little behind, aren't you?"

"Behind on what?"

The table laughs.

Nick squeezes my shoulders. "Isn't he adorable? Let's get you a shot, shall we? I'll take one with you…" The second the waiter approaches, Nick holds up a glass. "Another round for us, please!"

I look over at Christian. He winks at me from across the table, holding up his drink in the air. He's sitting next to someone I don't recognize. This brunet guy, wearing a white polo and jeans. I wonder how they know each other.

Nick puts an arm around me. "Tell me, Eric, how's life been since I last saw you? Any wild stories at the box office? I want to know everything."

"Nothing crazy. Just applying to schools and stuff."

"Christian tells me you're taking a gap year," he says, nodding. "I hope you're using it to travel. I was in Portofino a few weeks ago. Have you been to Italy?"

"No, but I've seen Luca ."

Nick laughs. "You're hysterical. Where did Christian find you?"

A second later, the waiter appears with two shot glasses. Nick hands one to me, taking the other. He holds his glass up and says, "Cheers to good health."

Our shot glasses clink. I hold my breath as it goes down. It's like swallowing gasoline. There's a harsh aftertaste, sending a shudder through me.

"Terrible, isn't it?" Nick says.

"What is it?"

"Gin." He hands me some water to wash it down. "The first one is always the worst."

"It might be my last, too."

"That's what we all say." Nick laughs. "I love this sweater, by the way." He touches my arm, running his fingers over the fabric.

"Thanks… I think it's cashmere."

"Oh, I can tell. You'll have to let me borrow it," he says teasingly. Then his eyes brighten, as if remembering something. He picks up a small menu. "Goodness, you're probably starving. Let's get you something to eat. You're not vegan, are you?"

"No."

"I wouldn't judge you if you are."

"I'm not."

The waiter appears again. Nick puts in an order of calamari, along with some cocktails. A Negroni Sbagliato, one of his favorite drinks. Thankfully, they don't check my ID. The view of the water is beautiful tonight. But I keep looking over at Christian, watching him be extra friendly with the other guy. How come I've never seen him before? Nick must have noticed me staring. Because he leans in and whispers, "That's our friend Zach, if you're curious. He's visiting from LA."

I look away. "Oh, I wasn't…"

"He's leaving this weekend, though," Nick adds.

"Are they… friends?"

"You could say that."

I'm not sure what to make of this. But I don't ask more questions. The waiter arrives with our drinks. Nick watches me take my first sip. It's on the bitter side, but slightly sweet, with the taste of grapefruit. The bubbles make it easier to drink.

"Better than the gin, right?"

"Yeah, it's not bad at all," I say.

Nick smiles. "I'm glad you like this one. You'll have to try the elderflower next."

I don't know why he's being so nice to me. But I'm enjoying this attention. The night continues like this. Nick orders us more drinks, touching my shoulders, talking about his recent travels. Meanwhile, Christian hasn't said a word to me since I got here. Why did he invite me here if he's more interested in someone else? I keep glancing at him, hoping he's going to call me over. At one point, he rises from the table.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Just the bar. I'll be right back."

"Oh, okay."

He gives me a pat on the back and disappears inside. As I turn back to the table, Nick puts his arm around me. "Don't worry about Christian," he whispers. "We'll have fun without him. Let's order you another drink."

An hour passes and Christian hasn't come back. I keep glancing inside, wondering if he's still at the bar. Another round of shots appears at the table. I don't even remember Nick ordering them. Despite my better judgment, I take the shot with him anyway. It goes down much easier this time. My tongue must be numb from the alcohol. That's when I notice the lights are spinning a little. I don't usually drink this much. I close my eyes for a second.

Nick touches my back. "How are you feeling there?"

"I should probably take a break…"

"You should have mentioned you were a lightweight," he says.

I glance around the table. It's only the two of us sitting here. When did everyone else leave? I turn to Nick, who is staring at me now. "Did I mention how cute you look in that sweater?" he asks, running a hand along my back.

"Thanks," I say, feeling my cheeks get warm. I don't know if it's from him or the alcohol.

"I'm glad I convinced Christian to invite you out."

I blink at him. "What do you mean?"

"I wanted to see you tonight," he says.

"Me? Why?"

"So I could do this—"

Nick leans forward, pressing his lips against mine. It takes my brain a few seconds to register the kiss. I pull away immediately. "What are you doing?"

"Kissing you."

"What if Christian sees?"

Nick arches his brow. "I don't know if you've realized, but Christian isn't coming back."

"But where did he go?"

"He left with Zach."

"How come he didn't say anything?"

Nick smiles. "Because you and I are having a good time." He leans forward to kiss me again.

I turn away from him. "Sorry." Then I rise abruptly from the table. "I have to go now."

"Where are you going?"

I don't answer this.

"Eric—"

Then I remember Christian's jacket. He forgot to take it with him. I grab it quickly as I head off, ignoring the calls from Nick behind me. I'm too dizzy to even hear what he's saying. The lights are harsh inside the restaurant, blinding me a little. I find the elevator and head outside again. All the street signs are a blur. I can't even tell where I'm going. Which way did Christian go? I need to give him back his jacket.

Maybe I should try calling him. I pull out my phone, bringing up his name. It rings for a while, but he doesn't pick up. I try a second time but still no answer. I put my phone away and look around. His building isn't too far from here. Maybe I should just drop it off at his place. As I turn the corner, someone appears beside me. Nick must have followed me outside . When his face comes into focus, I realize it's someone else.

"Haru… is that you ?" I blink a few times, making sure I'm not seeing things. I step toward him, stumbling.

Haru catches my arm. "Careful there—"

"What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you," he says.

We haven't seen each other in a week. I want to hug him tight, but it's hard to stand straight. The sidewalk feels like it's moving beneath me. Haru holds his grip, keeping me steady.

"You've been drinking," he says.

"I'm totally fine."

"How about we get you home." He wraps my arm over his shoulder.

But I slip away from him. "I'm going to Christian's place. I have to give him back his jacket."

"At this hour? You can do it tomorrow."

"What if he needs it tonight? I promised to give it back to him." I'm not sure if I'm slurring my words, so I try to speak slower. "I have to go see him."

"Does he know you're coming?"

I don't answer this. I just stare at the jacket.

A silence passes. Haru holds out a hand. "Let's get you home, okay? We can even put on a movie—"

"I don't want to go home. I need to give him back his jacket." Why doesn't he understand this?

Haru sighs. "Eric, you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk."

I walk away from him. But Haru steps in front of me, his voice more serious. "I think it's time to go home."

"What are you, my conscience? I told you, I'm fine ."

"Eric…" he starts again.

But I don't want to hear it. I stumble down the block until Christian's building comes into view. Haru follows along, making sure I don't fall. Thankfully, it's the same doorman from last time. He just tips his head as I make my way to the elevators. I press the button and step inside. But Haru doesn't come in with me. He places both hands on the doors, keeping them open.

"You're not thinking straight right now," he says.

"Let go of the door."

Haru takes a step back. "If that's what you want."

Then the doors close between us. The next thing I know, I'm heading down a hallway to his apartment. I ring the doorbell and wait. There's no answer. Eventually I start knocking until someone opens it.

"Eric?" Christian stands in the doorway, looking at me. "What are you doing here?" His voice is sharper than usual. It sobers me up instantly.

"Uh—" I don't know what to say. I hold up his jacket. "You left your jacket at the rooftop."

Christian stares at it and back at me. "Why didn't you just text me?"

"I did, but you didn't answer…"

"So you came here anyway?"

This silences me. I'm not sure what I expected from this. I wish I could turn around, pretend this was some misunderstanding. Then I hear another voice inside the apartment. I tilt my head to see who it is. It's Zach, the guy he was sitting with at the rooftop.

"I didn't mean to interrupt—"

"Did you need something else?"

The edge in his voice stabs like a knife. I don't know what else to say. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to see you, since we didn't get the chance to…" My voice trails off.

Christian rubs the space between his eyes. "You can't show up unannounced like this," he says. "We're not together, Eric. I don't know how to make that more clear."

"I know we're not," I say. "I just thought there was something more."

"Because we spent the night together?" He lets out a breath. "Listen, Eric. You and I had a good time. Let's just leave it at that, okay?"

"What are you saying?" I ask.

"That we shouldn't see each other again."

A silence as I take this in.

"I'm sorry if I—"

"I don't need you to apologize." He stops me. "I just need you to go. And you can keep the jacket. Now have a good night."

Then he closes the door.

I stand in the hallway for a moment longer. Then I head to the elevator and make my way back down. I leave the building, stumbling down the sidewalk. I'm not even sure where I'm going. I throw Christian's jacket into a bush as I turn the corner.

Haru appears again. I forgot he was out here. But I don't bother to stop for him. I just keep on walking.

"The train is the other way," he says.

"I'm not going home."

I can barely see what's in front of me. Tears form behind my eyes, making it hard to walk straight. The world is a gray blur. I wish Haru would stop following me. I don't want him seeing me this way. As I step off the curb, Haru appears in front of me.

He places his hands on my shoulders. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"No, I'm not."

"Do you even know where you're going?"

I try to step around him. But he blocks me again. Then he reaches into my pocket, grabbing something.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Taking your phone…"

"Give me that back—"

There's a slight tussle between us. Eventually, Haru hands it back to me. My vision is hazy as I stare at the screen. "Wait—what did you do?"

"I sent Kevin your location."

" Kevin? Why would you do that?"

"So he can come get you."

"I don't want him to come get me," I say, trying to undo the message. "I can't believe you did that!"

"I'm trying to help you."

"As if you care about me."

"Of course I do," he says.

"Then where were you all week?" I look at him. "I waited for you every day and you never showed up."

Haru doesn't say anything.

"Is it because I went with Christian that one time? Was that your way of getting back at me? And now you showed up, just because I'm drunk?"

Haru sighs. "I just want to make sure you're safe."

"I don't need you to do that!"

Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I squint at the screen. Kevin is calling me. I consider letting it go to voicemail. But I don't want him thinking something's wrong. He might end up calling my parents. So I take a deep breath and pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

Kevin's voice comes through. "Eric? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, everything's alright." The words feel funny in my mouth. "What's up?"

"Are you… drunk right now?"

"No, I'm completely fine. I'm not drunk, like, at all."

Haru leans forward. "He's lying."

I pull the receiver away. "Haru, be quiet!"

"Who's Haru? Is somebody with you?"

"No, it's just me! Nobody else is here."

"Where are you right now?" Kevin asks.

I take a look around me. It's still hard to see clearly. "I'm not sure."

"I have your location. I'll just come pick you up."

"No, you don't have to! Kevin, I swear, I'm fine ."

But Kevin ignores this. "I'm leaving right now. Promise you will stay there, okay?"

"Seriously, Kev—" I start.

"Please stay there."

"Okay."

Haru leans in again. "He's not going anywhere."

I push him away. "Will you stop?"

Kevin's voice comes through. "Stop what? Who are you talking to?"

" Nobody! Okay, bye—"

I hang up the phone and turn to Haru. "I can't believe you did that! Now Kevin's on his way here!"

"How else are you getting home?"

"I told you, I don't need anyone's help."

"You can hardly stand straight," he says, placing his hands on my shoulders, as if to steady me.

I push him off again. "You know what, Haru? You can't just show up whenever you want and tell me what to do, okay? I waited all week for you. I'm always waiting around for you. And you only show up when you feel like it."

"That's not true."

"Then where have you been?" I press my finger to his chest. "Where were you yesterday? And the day before that? You know how much I wanted to see you."

Haru lets out a breath and says, "If I could spend every day with you, don't you think I would? Maybe you shouldn't waste all your time waiting for me."

I can't believe he's saying this. Especially after disappearing on me. "I don't have to listen to this." I wipe a tear from my face as I turn to leave.

"Kevin told you to wait here."

"I don't care what he says."

"Eric." Haru grabs my hand. But I pull away again.

"Leave me alone!"

My voice echoes through the night air. I don't realize how sharp my words are until I feel the burn in the back of my throat. Haru stares at me in silence. As I walk off again, a knot of guilt forms in my stomach. I shouldn't have yelled like that. But the moment I turn around to take it back, he's gone. The street is completely empty.

"Haru? Where did you go?"

There's no answer. It's only me standing out here.

"I didn't mean that, okay?"

Nothing but silence. I look around.

"I said I'm sorry. Haru?"

I call his name for a long time. But Haru never answers. I sit on the sidewalk, hoping he comes back for me.