Chapter 37

CHAPTER 37

Josie

I reached for the light switch and turned back to look at the empty lab with a sigh. Had I ever been happy here? I’d thought I was at one time. But maybe I’d mistaken success for happiness. Lord knows my mother taught me they were one and the same.

I flicked the switch off and pulled the door shut. I’d been back a week now, and it hadn’t gotten any easier—not going to work, not going home to my empty apartment, not the ache in my heart. I took the elevator down to the ground floor and pushed through the turnstile door, dumping out onto the busy Manhattan street. As much as everyone being in your business in Laurel Lake could be a lot, there was something nice about walking around and everyone saying hello. I missed that. Here, I felt invisible.

The walk from my office to home was a little more than a half hour. Usually I hopped on the subway, but tonight I needed the fresh air. I stared down at the concrete like half the commuters, avoiding eye contact, lost in thought.

In the short time I’d stayed in Laurel Lake, it had become my home. Here all I had was four walls, brick, and beams. I’d lived in the same apartment for seven years and didn’t have half as many fond memories inside it as I did in the house on Rosewood Lane. Sure, a lot of those were with Fox. But I liked the me I’d become while living there. The me who appreciated the beauty of a sunset, spent time listening to stories told by my dad’s seventy-year-old friends, and planted in the dirt. The me who took on construction jobs—sure, at times I’d bitten off more than I could chew and needed help—but at least I bit. Here I didn’t bite into anything. I went to work. Came home to my overpriced apartment. Maybe went to dinner or drinks with a friend once or twice a week. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Could I leave New York and make Laurel Lake my home? Or would it be too painful to be so close to the man next door?

Fox.Every time I thought about him, it felt like I’d gotten the wind knocked out of me. Like there was an emptiness in my chest that I yearned to fill.

I missed him.

I missed the way he only spoke a few words, yet said so much.

I missed the way he was fiercely protective of the people he cared about, even if he pretended they got on his nerves.

I missed the way he couldn’t help but be a gentleman, even though it made him grumpy. Like when I’d hit his mailbox and realized I was locked out of my house the night I arrived, yet he still carried in my luggage.

I missed the way he wasn’t a gentleman in bed.

I walked in a fog, somehow maneuvering through throngs of people on the sidewalk and not crashing into any of them. When I finally came upon my building, I realized I didn’t remember half the trip home. In the elevator, people got on and off. Faces were familiar, and some had probably lived here as long as I did, yet I didn’t know any of their names.

How many people did I get to know in Laurel Lake? Opal, Frannie, Bernadette, Bettina, Rita, Porter, Hope, Tommy, Rachael, Sam, Reuben... after only two months I bet I could rattle off two-dozen names without having to think long.

I exited the elevator on the thirty-first floor with a feeling of dread. My apartment had become a daily reminder of how empty my life was. But halfway down the hall, movement up ahead snapped me out of my daze. My heart, which had been sitting in my chest like a deflated football, suddenly filled and started beating wildly—beating like it was making up for lost time.

I froze twenty feet from my door. “Fox?”

He’d been sitting with his knees bent next to my door, but now he climbed to his feet. When our eyes met, I had to focus on remembering to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Fox looked tired and stressed, his clothes were crumpled, eyes rimmed with dark circles like he hadn’t slept so well lately. But even with all that, he was breathtakingly handsome.

“Why are you here? And how did you even get up here?”

He dragged a hand through his hair. “Doorman recognized me from my playing days. I told him I was visiting a friend and wanted to surprise her. He let me come up after taking some pics and signing an autograph.”

“But why are you here? In New York?”

He nodded toward my door. “Do you think we can go inside and talk? I really need to use the bathroom. I drank too much water on the drive up, but I was afraid if I left, the night doorman wouldn’t let me back in and I’d miss you.”

“The night doorman? What time did you get here?”

He shrugged. “Maybe three hours ago?”

“You’ve been sitting here for three hours?”

He moved back and forth from one foot to the other. “And now that I stood up, I really gotta go.” He motioned to the door again. “Would you mind?”

“Oh. Sure.” I took my keys from my purse and unlocked the door. “Down the hall, first door on the left.”

Fox disappeared into the bathroom, which gave me a few moments to collect myself. I took a deep breath and shut the door, then focused on slowing the blood pumping through my ears. Though when he walked back out, it felt like my body hit the gas on all its inner workings. My heart and mind raced, blood hurtled through my veins, and questions swirled around like a tornado taking form.

I cleared my throat. “Feel better?”

He smiled. “A lot. Thanks.”

“Well, that makes one of us. I need a glass of wine before I’ll feel better. Would you like one?”

“Sure.”

I walked to the kitchen and poured myself a very full glass. Unfortunately, it only left enough for a regular pour in the second glass. I’d normally give a guest the better offering, but I needed it more than he did. He’d known he was coming.

I slid the half-full one to the other side of the counter. “Sorry. You’re getting the crappy pour.”

“I’m just grateful you didn’t break the empty bottle over my head for showing up like this.”

I brought the wine to my lips. “You only just got here. I haven’t ruled it out yet.”

After a healthy swallow, I maneuvered around the counter and into the living room. “Why don’t we sit in here?”

My apartment was a decent size by New York standards, but it suddenly felt really small with Fox in it. I took a seat in a chair I rarely used, a protective distance from the other side of the coffee table, where Fox would be forced to sit on the couch.

Once he was settled, he blew out an audible, shaky breath. “I’m really sorry for showing up like this without calling. I was afraid if I called, you might tell me not to come.”

My head would’ve wanted to, but my heart would’ve overruled it. “What are you doing here, Fox?”

“I came to give you this.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded USPS envelope.

“What is it?”

“The envelope you left at the house. The one with your passport.”

“You came all this way to deliver my passport? When you could’ve dropped it at the post office a half mile from your house?”

“It’s not the only reason I came.”

“Okay…well, what else then?”

He took a deep breath and pointed to the cushion next to him on the couch. “Do you think you could sit over here?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m freaking the hell out and need you near me to calm down.”

I debated his sincerity, afraid to read into what he was saying. “Why are you freaking out?”

“Because I don’t think I’ve ever had more on the line than I do in this moment.” He looked into my eyes. “Please, Jos. Just come sit next to me, even though I don’t deserve any kindness from you. I need you so fucking much right now.”

It was impossible to think straight with his beautiful green eyes searing into me. But when I tried to look away, I saw his big hands shaking. That did it. I got up and moved to the couch, sitting with a fair amount of distance between us.

Fox inched his way over until our knees were touching, then closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

I waited, watching the rise and fall of his chest until he opened his eyes again.

“I’m here because I finally realized that I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.”

My heart raced with hope, yet I was still afraid of misunderstanding what I thought he was saying. I needed to protect myself. I swallowed. “What are you saying, Fox? I need you to be very clear with me.”

He looked down. After a long time, he reached over and took my hand. “Is this okay?”

I nodded.

“I need to start from the beginning, if you don’t mind bearing with me for a while.”

“I’m listening...”

He took yet another deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “You know that my brother died in an accident years ago. I was nineteen, and Ryder was seventeen. He was driving home the day before his eighteenth birthday. But what I didn’t mention was that he had been drinking. He fell asleep at the wheel and wrapped his car around a tree.”

“I’m so sorry.”

I could see pain etched in Fox’s face. It made me want to stop him, but it also looked like whatever the full story was, he needed to get it out. So I squeezed his hand, trying to offer silent support.

Fox smiled sadly and continued. “It was a Friday night, and I was away at college. Out with a girl. He’d called me a half hour before the accident, but I didn’t pick up because I was having too much fun. I didn’t even realize he’d left me a message until the day of his wake. If only I’d answered. His words were so slurred. It would’ve taken two minutes to tell him not to drive.”

“Oh, Fox. It’s not your fault.”

“I think that’s debatable. But anyway… Years later, I met Evie. At first everything was great. We were both Olympic hopefuls. After my brother, I’d pretty much pulled away from anyone and everything except for hockey. Somehow I let my guard down when it came to Evie.” He stared off for a while before continuing. “Her mother was a former figure skater and her manager. She was also a drunk. I couldn’t stand being around the woman. I think because it reminded me of my brother and how he died. It’s also why I rarely have more than a glass of wine or two. Long story short, Evie didn’t qualify for the Olympic team. She wound up going back home and going on a bender with her mother. She was already one of the oldest trying to qualify. She wasn’t going to have another shot, so I understood why she would spiral for a little while. But the spiral became something more. I thought things would get better without her mother’s influence, so I asked Evie to move in with me. She did, and things seemed to smooth out, at least at first. A month after she moved in, we got engaged.

“But there was a lot I didn’t know. It turned out Evie’s struggles with alcohol weren’t new. She had been a closet drinker since…” He shook his head and went quiet for a moment before swallowing. “Since she was nine years old.”

“Nine?”

He nodded. “I know. To this day, if I look back, I have no idea how I missed seeing it. But she was a binge drinker, and I traveled a lot with the team, so we weren’t seeing each other every day, even after she moved in.”

“Wow.”

“Anyway, Evie went in and out of rehab a few times. She’d be sober for a month, and then I’d come back from an away game and she’d have fallen off the wagon. The doctors in rehab put her on antidepressants to treat the root problem, but it just compounded her issues because she’d drink while taking them, and the alcohol would hit her harder. After a while, I couldn’t do it anymore. I decided I would be there for her as a friend, but I needed to end things. I’d contacted a real estate agent to find her a place of her own to live and had planned to sit down and talk to her when she was sober. But the real estate agent stopped by the house when I wasn’t home, and Evie put two and two together. She got really upset and took a bunch of pills. I called the police, but by the time they found her, she was floating in the lake.”

“Oh God.”

“When I pulled up, they were zipping a body bag on a gurney.” He shook his head. “The night of the funeral, I got myself loaded. Fell down a few of the stairs in my house, twisted wrong, and blew out my knee. Career over, too. Some people never learn their lesson. I didn’t pick up the phone when my brother called because I was too busy having fun, and I wanted to cut Evie loose because she was too much work. I should’ve been there for the both of them.”

I might not have known Ryder or Evie, but I felt a profound loss, nonetheless. Not just for the two humans who died, but for the loss of faith and trust in himself that Fox had suffered as a result. Tears streamed down my face. “You’ve experienced unimaginable tragedy. But you can’t blame yourself for decisions others made.”

“Two people who loved me needed me, and I wasn’t there for either of them. I didn’t deserve a second chance. Certainly don’t deserve a third.” He reached out and wiped my tears with his thumbs and swallowed. “But I’m so goddamned selfish, I want it anyway, Josie.”

I looked into his eyes. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

He shrugged. “I have no goddamn idea. I suck at words.”

I laughed through tears. “You’re doing pretty well today.”

“Then I’ll keep going. If what you got out of everything I said so far is that I’m madly in love with you and will do everything in my power to make up for hurting you if you’ll just give me another chance, then maybe there’s hope for me after all.”

“You love me?”

Fox cupped both my cheeks. “Sweetheart, if you’ll let me, I’ll spend as long as I have to and do whatever it takes so that you never doubt that again.”

“Whatever it takes? So you’re going to move here to Manhattan?”

Fox froze. It looked like he might shit his pants. I should’ve kept him on the hook for a lot longer after the hell he’d put me through, but I cracked and smiled. “I’m kidding.”

He blew out all the breath he’d been holding, and his shoulders shook with quiet laughter. “You’re going to make me pay long and hard for screwing up, aren’t you?”

I twisted my lips like I was considering it. “Not too long. I’m guessing the women of Laurel Lake have been doing that for me since I left.”

He groaned. “You have no damn idea.”

I smiled. “That’s what family does. They stick together.”

“How come you’re family after only a few months, yet I’ve lived there my entire life and I’m getting the cold shoulder?”

“Because you deserve it, jackass.”

“True.” Fox’s face had lightened a bit, but he grew serious once again. “But what I don’t deserve is you, doc. Don’t deserve you one bit.”

I smiled. “I am pretty spectacular.”

Fox’s lip twitched. “You sure are, sweetheart. You sure freaking are.”

***

It was the middle of the night by the time we finished talking. Fox, man of normally very few words, had really opened the floodgates. We spoke more about Ryder and Evie, about what it had been like for me coming back to New York and saying goodbye to Nilda, and even about how he had struggled to find his way after his injury had forced his retirement from hockey.

I was emotionally and physically exhausted as we slipped into bed. Fox had driven twelve hours straight, too, so I couldn’t imagine how his eyes were still open. I lay with my head on his chest while he ran his finger over my shoulder, tracing a figure eight in silence in the dark.

“Do you still love him?” he finally said.

I felt my eyebrows reaching toward my nose. “Love who?”

“The douchebag.”

That was the name he’d bestowed on my ex. But he couldn’t be asking if I was in love with Noah after all we’d shared tonight. Could he?

“Who’s the douchebag?”

“The guy you were going to Aruba with.”

I pushed up to look at him. “How did you know Noah and I had a trip to Aruba planned?”

“There was paperwork for it in the envelope I brought you, along with your passport.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s right. But why would you ask if I still loved him?”

Fox’s forehead wrinkled. He looked as confused as I felt. “Because Opal said you were getting back together.” As soon as he said it, he closed his eyes. “Crap. She was just trying to get me off my ass, wasn’t she?”

“Is that why you came here? Because you thought I was going to Aruba with Noah?”

“It’s not the reason that matters, but it might have had something to do with why I drove ninety miles an hour through five states clutching the steering wheel.”

“And here I thought you’d missed me so much, you finally came to your senses.”

“I did miss you.”

“Yet it took poking the green-eyed monster to get you to act on it. Heck, if I would’ve known that, I would’ve told you I was going home to sleep with Noah before I left and saved us both a lot of heartache.”

Fox’s eyes flashed. “Don’t even say that.”

“Say what?” I grinned. “That I planned to fuck Noah?”

Quicker than the blink of an eye, I was flipped over and flat on my back. Fox hovered over me, looking smolderingly possessive—a look he wore unapologetically, like all his other moods. “You think this is amusing?”

“Why, yes. Yes, I do.”

“Why did you need your passport overnighted if you weren’t leaving the country tomorrow?”

“There wasn’t really any rush. When I realized I’d forgotten it, I called Opal and asked her to grab it before the realtor started showing the house to potential tenants. She said she’d overnight it so it was trackable.”

He hung his head. “I’m so damn gullible.”

Minutes ago I’d been exhausted, but with Fox hovering so close, my body found its second wind. I figured poking the bear a little more might be fun. “I don’t know. Between the paperwork and Opal telling you I was back with my ex, it seems logical to think I might be sleeping with him again, fucking Noah...”

Fox’s eyes blazed. “You really need to stop saying that.”

I leaned up so we were nose to nose. “What’s the matter? Does the idea of another man inside me bother you that much?”

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Maybe…”

Fox gathered both my hands in one of his and pulled them up and over my head. He whispered in my ear with a rasp. “There’s only one way for me to get rid of the jealousy I’m feeling right now.”

Goosebumps peppered my skin, and my nipples hardened to peaks. “Oh yeah? How is that?”

He lowered his lips to mine. “I’m going to fuck all thoughts of any other man right out of both of us.”

I liked the sound of that a lot.

His mouth moved to my neck, and he kissed his way to my ear. When he spoke, the words vibrated on my skin. “I’m going to apologize in advance for how hard I need you.” He trailed his knuckles down the side of my body. When he reached my panties, he tugged and they ripped away.

I gasped.

“You’ll get my soft later.”

“I don’t care how I get you, as long as I have you.”

“Oh, you have me, sweetheart. By the balls.”

Fox aligned himself with my opening and sealed his mouth over mine as he pushed inside. I scraped my fingers over his back, digging in when he sank deep. My body felt full, but so did my heart. It felt like…coming home. Like the relief of pulling into your driveway after a long trip. The two of us were tucked inside a bubble, and I never wanted to come out. Each time he withdrew, I grew desperate for more. Another hard thrust, another deep plunge. My body greedily clenched, the climb toward orgasm already begun.

“Fox…”

“Fuck,” he gritted out. “I’m gonna fill you up so much, my cum will be inside of you for days.”

That did it. The desperation in his voice sent me flying over the edge. My body thrummed through an earth-shattering orgasm. Fox grumbled a string of curses, pumping and grinding until I started to go slack. Then he sank deep and let go. And all felt right again, as if the Earth had been spinning off its axis for weeks and now gravity had forced it back into place.

Later, my head rested on Fox’s chest while he stroked my hair.

“I really am sorry for what I put you through the last few weeks.”

“I know you are.”

Fox lifted his arm, showing me his thumb. I hadn’t noticed the Band-Aid wrapped around it.

“What happened?”

“Your duck bit me.”

I laughed. “Are you serious?”

“It was a few days after you left. But we worked it out. We’re friends now.” He shook his head. “Even a bird figured out I was a dumbass before me.” He paused. “He misses you.”

“I miss her, too.”

Fox was quiet for a while. “I want it all, doc.”

I tilted my head to look up at him. “All what?”

“You. Kids. A duck. A dog. Fenced-in yard where they can all run around. Maybe even a stupid minivan. And I want it soon, sweetheart.”

My heart raced so fast, I thought it might jump out of my chest. “Are you sure?”

“Never been more sure about anything in my life. You don’t want to come back to Laurel Lake, I’ll move here.”

I had a sudden vision of Fox walking down the streets of Manhattan, standing head and shoulders above most, looking like he wanted to rip the head off of everyone in his way. I chuckled. “You? In Manhattan?”

“Why not?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Have you ever been on a subway?”

“No.”

“Taken a public bus?”

“No.”

“Do you know what alternate-side-of-the-street parking is?”

“No.”

“How do you feel about street meat?”

“Huh?”

I smiled. “You’d be miserable in Manhattan, Fox.”

“What about somewhere right outside the city, then? So it wouldn’t be too long of a commute for you. They have places like that near here, right? Jersey or Long Island?”

I looked back and forth between Fox’s eyes. “You’d really move here for me?”

“I’d do anything for you, Josie.”

My heart melted. “It means the world that you would give up so much. But you don’t have to move to New York. I’ll move to Laurel Lake.”

“Really?”

I nodded. “I love it there. It’s the only place that’s ever really felt like home.”

Fox blew out a breath. “Oh, thank Christ.”

I laughed. “Relieved a little?”

“You have no idea. But I really would’ve moved here if you wanted to stay. Laurel Lake is where I live, but when you left, I realized none of that matters. Where you are is my home.”