Chapter 25

25

A idan would be back tomorrow. Tillie had received his message the other day, and she knew to expect him. She had mixed feelings about his return. When he'd left, she'd thought she'd felt relief. After realizing that he'd never love her, she'd been depressed since she knew she was falling in love with him. Then, when he'd told her he'd be gone for a fortnight, she'd thought she'd have time to sort out her feelings while not having to be around him, see him, and be reminded that theirs was just a marriage of convenience.

His convenience. She was just there to provide a child. The thought made her stomach roll, and she placed a hand over her lower belly. While the idea of just being a vessel to provide children still bothered her, Tillie realized that she had missed Aidan something fierce. Maybe she'd been acting too rash. He still felt guilty about Anne's death, and until he found a way to release that, he'd not be able to fall in love with her.

She had just stepped out of her room when Phillip suddenly appeared. Tillie cast a look at Paisley who was next to her. The maid raised and eyebrow but said nothing. Phillip looked as angry as a wasp. His face was flushed and unbecoming red and his eyes were narrowed into dangerous looking slits.

"How dare ye!" he seethed even before he'd stopped walking.

Tillie raised one eyebrow. "How dare I what?"

"Ye're talking to the lady," Paisley warned with a frown of her own. "Have a care."

But Phillip didn't even spare the maid a glance. "I ken the Laird didnae approve of yer orders."

"Which orders would that be?" Tillie asked. Her tone had grown stiff and if Phillip had been paying any attention, he would have known to back off and come back when his temper had cooled down some.

"I willnae be sendin' lads to retill the southern field," he barked. "And I willnae waste good hay and replace what's in the stable."

"Aye, if ye wish to keep your position here, ye will," Tillie said and there was no room for argument in her voice.

Phillip took a menacing step toward her. Tillie stiffened and pressed her shoulders back. She may have to tilt her head back to look up at him, but she would not let him see her cower. She was the lady here and it was his duty to obey her.

"Ye threaten' me?" Spittal flung out of his mouth in his ire.

"Nay, Phillip. I dinnae threaten." She took a deep breath and looked around Phillip, seeing two guards come and stand behind Phillip. She felt a little better, safer, and was glad they'd been close by and had heard the commotion.

"I have been the Laird's steward for years. Ye cannae get rid of me."

"Aye, but and I can." Tillie looked at the two guards and nodded her head. At once they stepped forward, each grabbing one of Phillip's arms. He startled and glanced at them then stared at Tillie incredulously.

"'Tis obvious ye are not happy here," Tillie said, her voice calm. "We both ken ye didnae take care in yer duties and ye didnae wish to do so now." She took a deep breath and met his angry gaze steadily. "I relieve ye of yer duties."

Phillip sucked his breath in through heavily clenched teeth. His eyes widened and rounded and for once he looked at her with something other than anger. He looked surprised and a little frightened.

"Ye cannae," he whispered loudly. When Tillie just stared at him, he tried another tactic. "I will wait until the Laird returns. Ye cannae fire me without his permission."

"I can and I have," Tillie said firmly. "I only kept ye on so long because of yer many years here, but ‘tis obvious ye plan to fight me every step and disregard my orders, even when yer Laird has told ye to obey my word."

Tillie turned her attention to the guards. "Please see Phillip to his quarters and stay with him while he packs, then escort him outside the gates. Make it known that he is not allowed on castle grounds without an invitation from the Laird."

Phillip's eyebrows rose in alarm as the guards tightened their grip on his arm and started leading him away. He yelled and even pleaded, promising that he'd do better, but Tillie did not relent. The man had had enough chances and as far as she was concerned, good riddance.

"My Lady!" Paisley gasped, her eyes as round as a supper bowl. "I cannae beliefe ye just did that!"

Tillie was surprised as well. She wasn't used to firing people and now that the ordeal was over, she realized her body had started to shake.

"It needed to be done."

Paisley nodded. "Aye, it did. And I'm glad ye gave Phillip the boot." She paused to chuckle. "I just didnae expect it. And I know he didnae!"

They had started walking while they talked and now they'd reached Anne's chamber.

"I need to find a replacement," Tillie said. "But I doubt ‘twill be too hard since Phillip was worthless as a steward."

"Aye, that one was about his drinkin' and bein' lazy."

Tillie paused with her hand on the door latch and stared at the door.

"Are ye sure ye dinnae want me to go with ye?"

Tillie shook her head at Paisley's question. When Aidan had given her permission to renovate Anne's room, she'd been thrilled. To her, it meant that he was starting to let go, and that was a good sign that there might be hope for their future after all. But she hadn't been able to go in the chamber until now. She'd decided to wait until Aidan got back so that she could ask him about things before she got rid of them. Today, though, Tillie changed her mind and wanted to give Aidan a fresh start when he got home, without the reminders of his late wife.

"I am sure. I ken 'tis somethin' I should do on my own," Tillie answered Paisley. "Thank ye for askin'."

Paisley nodded and walked away. Tillie took a deep breath, then opened the door to Anne's room. The thick wooden door creaked as it opened, and she winced. It almost seemed as if Anne's ghost was protesting her presence.

Tillie spent a few hours in Anne's chamber. She started with the clothes and put them all together to give to one of the maids to hand out to those in need. Anne had a modest wardrobe, and while her gowns were finely made, they were plain and unadorned for the most part.

After the wardrobe was settled, she continued on with Anne's personal things such as her hairbrush and ribbons. Tillie found several missives from family that she kept together to give to Aidan, who would probably hand them over to Grace.

Tillie's stomach rumbled, and she realized she'd missed supper. Hopefully Cook had put something aside for her. The only thing left to do was to remove the linens from the bed then she could assign staff to give the chamber a thorough cleaning, and she could see if there was still some food leftover from supper.

The bed covers were dusty, and when she pulled them off the bed and gave them a hard shake, so much dust filled the room, Tillie started coughing. Still choking on the dust, she bent to put the linens on the floor. Her head was turned to the side, and she happened to notice something under the bed. Getting on her hands and knees, Tillie stretched out and was just able to reach the object with her fingertips. It took a few tries, but she was able to pull it out from under the bed.

Her eyes widened. It was a journal. And not just any journal. It was Aidan's late wife's… Anne's private journal! Tillie leaned back until she was sitting on the dirty floor, the dark leather-bound journal held between shaking hands as she stared at it.

Property of Lady Anne Bane was scrawled across the middle.

Should I open it? Nay, it would be a breach of the lady's property. It would be wrong.

Even knowing how wrong it would be, Tillie couldn't resist the temptation. Very carefully, she opened it to the first page and hesitantly started reading.

Today is my wedding day. I start this new journal as I begin my new life. Fitting, isn't it? Laird Aiden is handsome enough, but I never envisioned myself being married to such a large warrior. I doubt he will wish to sit with me and read poetry which is my favorite thing to do. But Mother and Father insisted this is a good match, and I cannae disobey them.

Tillie sighed, already feeling a kinship with the woman. Just like Anne, she had not had a choice in her husband and had also wanted someone who would appreciate the finer things in life. She continued to read. The next two pages were descriptions of the wedding ceremony which was much more elaborate than Tillie's. And then came the part about the bedding, and Tillie slammed the book shut. She shouldn't read that intimate accounting.

Standing, Tillie tucked the journal into the inside deep pocket of her skirt and went down to the kitchen.

"I was wonderin' if ye planned to eat this night," Cook said with a smile as Tillie walked inside.

"The time got away from me," Tillie explained.

Cook nodded. "I ken as much. I saved ye some boar and bread. It took some doin', but I was also able to hide a slice of plumb cake. 'Twasn't easy, though. Those men about chased me down for the last piece."

Tillie laughed. "Thank ye. I appreciate ye riskin' yer life for me."

Cook snorted and waved a dismissive hand. "They were just teasin'. They ken I'd whack them over the head if they misbehaved too badly."

Tillie chuckled and took the trencher full of leftover supper from Cook then retreated to her bedchamber. Anne's journal seemed to be burning a hole in her skirt. She felt at once guilty for reading it and excited to see what else the woman had to say.

Once in her chamber, Tillie settled in a chair across from the hearth, where a nice fire burned, and opened the book. She took a bite of the boar meat but barely tasted it as she poured over Anne's script.

My mother was right. 'Tis a wife's duty to consummate the marriage, but 'tis not pleasant. I admit I cried the entire time even though Aidan was extremely gentle with me. He kept apologizing because he thought he was hurtin' me, but it was the act I found distasteful, and I dinnae relish the idea that 'twas the only way to get a bairn.

Tillie blinked and reread the passage. She, herself, had found making love with Aidan to be more than just pleasant. She loved every second of it and could not understand how Anne had been so discouraged. Tillie decided she didn't want to read anymore about intimacies between Anne and Aidan and skimmed through the next several entries until it got closer to the time that she killed herself. Tillie hoped to find something that could lesson Aidan's guilt over the death of his wife, but from what she'd read so far, Anne did not seem like a happy person.

Aidan doesnae love me. I shouldnae let it bother me since I dinnae love him either. 'Tis a loveless marriage we have, but I ken that before we were wed. I just feel so alone at Castle Geamnaben. 'Tis a huge place, and I dinnae ken anyone here except for Grace, who has come to stay with us for a little while.

I love my sister, but she can be so melancholy at times. She didnae want me to marry Aidan because that left her alone with our parents. But at least now she is here. Unfortunately, my sour mood is making her even more depressed. I had hoped to be with child by now so that we could plan and set up a nursery. I fear that I am barren though, and it breaks my heart. Having a wee bairn of my own was the one thing I looked forward to in this marriage.

Tillie wiped at a wayward tear that streamed down the side of her face. Poor Anne, lonely and barren. How difficult life must have been for her. But it sounded like Aidan's late wife was more of a recluse, or else, surely, she would have found some friends here like Tillie had. It had taken a little while for the people to start opening up to her, except for Paisley, but eventually they had. She was sure they would have to Anne, too, had the woman just tried. She took another bite of boar, realized she'd eaten nearly the entire chunk without realizing it, then returned her attention to the journal.

I went the to cliff again today. The outin' has become one of my favorite things to do. I saw the wildcat again. This time he wasn't stuck in the reeds, but he was hangin' around, probably waitin' for me to give him a treat as has been my habit lately. I tossed a piece of meat over the edge, and he pounced on it, making me laugh.

That was when I realized that I could be happy. Just because I couldnae have a child of my own didnae mean my life was over.

Tillie stopped and looked unseeing into the flames of the fire, her thoughts spinning so fast she felt a little dizzy. Anne's attitude had been changing. She had been coming out of her depression and admitted that being childless did not mean she couldn't still be happy. Had something else happen to make her change her mind once again? Tillie anxiously continued reading.

Today was a good day. I finally decided to let go of my sadness and concentrate of being happy in my marriage. I cannae change the fact that we cannae have children, but I can change how I look at life. Once I let the sadness go, it felt like a pile of boulders had been lifted off my chest. A lightness entered my being, and I knew I had made the right decision.

Aidan was a bit surprised when I greeted him with a smile. He looked at me suspiciously, as if he expected me to be possessed or something. I laughed at his expression which made him even more confused, and then I apologized for being so grumpy for so long, but I explained that things were going to change. We had a pleasant night playing chess.

Tomorrow, I am goin' to see the wildcat again. I ken 'tis silly, but I want to thank him for helpin' me see that there is more to life. Visitin' with the beast had sometimes been the only good thing in my existence, but now, I look forward to enjoying the rest of my life and my marriage, and I want to let the wildcat know.

Tillie read the last sentence again and shivered. That was the last entry, and Anne had talked about going to the cliff to see the wildcat again. Her eyes widened as she understood what that meant. Anne had been happy and had been looking forward to life. She had not been depressed.

She had not ended her life.