Chapter 21

21

A t first, Tillie thought supper that night would just be the two of them since they'd chosen to eat in the private dining room instead of the great hall with the others. But Aidan's sister-in-law, Grace, decided to make an appearance. The woman rarely spoke and didn't join in when there were any festivities, so Tillie was surprised she'd chosen to eat with them this night. Her pale, thin face had a constant frown marring her looks, and no matter how hard Tillie tried, she couldn't seem to break through the ice surrounding Grace.

"Good evenin', Grace," Tillie said pleasantly although she already knew what to expect. And there it was, a scowl sent her way without a return greeting.

Tillie decided she would not let Grace's sour attitude spoil supper. But then, after being in Aidan's arms and discovering the pleasures he drew from her body, she doubted there was much that could ruin her evening.

Aidan sat at the head of the table as was his right as Laird. Tillie sat on his right, and Grace sat on his left, across from Tillie. She peaked at her husband beneath lowered eyelashes and caught him watching her. Although heat crawled up her neck with memories of their lovemaking, she didn't look away. Instead, she offered him one of her brightest smiles.

"Grace," Aidan acknowledged his sister-in-law although he kept his gaze on Tillie.

"Aidan," Grace responded back. "I am surprised ye chose to eat in the private dining room."

Aidan broke eye contact with Tillie to look at Grace. "I thought tonight it would be nice to have a more… intimate meal."

Grace glanced between Aidan and Tillie. Her frown grew deeper. Tillie looked down at her pewter trencher filled with roasted goose, turnips, and a hunk of warm bread. Warmth spread from her collar bone to her cheeks at Aidan's mention of intimate . It wasn't the word as much as the way he said it, with a delicious growl that had her remembering all the scandalous things they'd done together yesterday.

"Ye should be with yer men," Grace chastised. "Not in here entertain' two…" She glanced and Tillie. "… women." Tillie had the feeling Grace had desperately wanted to say something else but had held her tongue.

"They are grown men," Aidan said pleasantly enough. "They dinnae need me hovering over them while they eat."

No one talked for a while. The only sounds in the room were the occasional scrapping of eating utensils against the trenchers. But it wasn't uncomfortable for Tillie because she had the secret knowledge of being in Aidan's arms. In his bed. He had made her feel so… loved and cherished. Not that she thought he actually loved her. At least not yet. But the way he had treated her, with such tenderness and passion, she hoped it wouldn't be long before his feelings turned more serious.

"Ye and Anne used to always eat with the men," Grace said, snapping Tillie's attention away from her thoughts. She glanced at Grace then Aidan but said nothing.

Aidan frowned. "Aye," he said after a hesitation.

Grace nodded as if she'd made some kind of point. A couple minutes passed in silence before she spoke again.

"Remember how ye both would take turns tellin' stories to everyone? Me sister was such a good storyteller. Why, I ken she could have been a bard if she had been a man."

Aidan's frown grew deeper, but he kept his attention on his meal. Although, by the sour look on his face, Tillie doubted he was enjoying his food much.

"When the music started, ye used to grab Anne's arm and dance with her," Grace continued. "Oh, how she'd laughed. Remember that, Aidan?"

When Aidan lifted his gaze from his food, his eyes were dark with irritation. "Aye, though I doubt it was more than one or two times that we did that."

Tillie was starting to feel uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat and tried to take a bite of the goose, but she couldn't force herself to eat it. Why was Grace insistent on talking about Aidan's late wife? She had to know how inappropriate it was with Tillie, his new wife, sitting right there.

"Ye used to take her for walks, too," Grace said. She looked at Tillie, the slightest smirk drawing her lips back. This was intentional, Tillie realized. She was purposefully trying to cause problems between Tillie and Aidan. She wanted Tillie to feel uncomfortable, to be reminded that her husband had been married before — and had been happy apparently.

"If ye will excuse me," Tillie said and rose from the table. She was not going to sit there and listen to Grace talk about how great a marriage Aidan had had with his late wife.

Aidan's gaze shot to her with concern while Grace smirked knowingly. Even knowing this was Grace's intention, Tillie still couldn't bear to hear how wonderful Anne was and how much Aidan doted on her. Tears pricked behind her lids, but she refused to give in to them.

"Tillie," Aidan called out as she left the table, but she didn't respond. Her throat felt like a rock had settled there, and a knot was forming in her belly.

Tillie was so upset she considered sleeping in her old room, the one she'd had before she'd been moved into the Laird's chamber. The only thing that stopped her was that she feared Aidan would storm inside and demand she return to his chamber, and Tillie was not up for an argument with him right now.

She made her way up to their shared chamber and went inside. It was cold and dark. Maven, the upstairs maid, was slacking in her duties. There should have been a warm fire in the hearth. Tillie would have to talk with the maid tomorrow to make sure this didn't happen again. The castle was drafty, and if a fire wasn't kept warming in the hearth, then it would take a while to take the chill out of the room.

With a long sigh, Tillie went to the hearth and built up a fire. At least the chore helped her to concentrate on something besides the hurt that had bloomed in her chest. She wasn't sure why she was so upset. She'd known Aidan had been married before her, and there was a chance he had loved his wife, but after their lovemaking last night and the closeness she had shared with him, it was difficult to hear about Anne and how much he had obviously loved her.

Tillie was still standing in front of the hearth, warming her hands by the fire while her thoughts tormented her when Aidan walked in. She didn't turn as the door creaked open and light from the hall wall scones briefly flooded the room. She didn't want to look at him and see the sadness on his face from discussing his late wife.

"Tillie," he said, and she felt more than heard him walk toward her. She continued to keep her back to him. "Why did ye leave?"

Was he daft? she wondered incredulously but didn't say anything.

"Is it because of what Grace said?"

Tillie stiffened, her shoulders pressing back, but she still didn't turn around.

He closed the door, plunging the chamber into near darkness. Only the fire light provided any light to see by. A couple minutes later, a yellow glow filled the room as Aidan lit a lamp.

"Ye cannae let her upset ye," he said once he stood beside her. Setting the lamp on the mantle, Aidan grasped her shoulders and gently coaxed her to turn and face him. She resisted at first but then reluctantly turned to meet his worried blue gaze.

"I'll be fine," Tillie said in a tight voice. "I just wasnae expectin' to hear so much about ye and yer late wife."

Aidan scowled. "Grace is a bitter woman and took her sister's death hard, but I dinnae like that she hurt ye and told her so."

Tillie's eyes widened. "Nay, ye dinnae!" She was horrified that Grace and Aidan would discuss her hurt feelings.

"I willnae have ye feelin' uncomfortable in yer own home." His voice was adamant. "She was doin' it intentionally, and I let her know that if she continued to misstep like that, there would be consequences."

Tillie went from horrified to uncertain. She didn't like that they were talking about her feelings like that. It made her seem… delicate or fragile, and she did not like that. However, Aidan seemed just as upset, and he had stood up for her. Tillie wondered, though, if this would make things even more uncomfortable between her and Grace.

"Ye must have been very in love with Anne," she said softly.

Aidan's expression turned sad, and Tillie felt her heart drop to her stomach. It shouldn't bother her that he had found love before he met her, but for some reason it did.

"Nay, I wasnae," he said quietly.

Instead of feeling relieved, Tillie was confused. "But… but the way Grace talked about you and Anne, it sounded like ye were very in love with each other."

Aidan turned and stared into the flames in the hearth. Tillie could only see the side of his face as the firelight danced across his features, casting them in shadow only to light them up again.

"As ye ken, I agreed to wed with ye because of the Kilmartin fertility," he said, his voice soft. Tillie felt like her world had just tilted. She even reached out to grasp the mantle to steady herself. Reminding her of why he married her put a distasteful flavor in her mouth.

"With Anne," he continued, unaware of Tillie's distress, "it was not a love match. We wed to join our families, and it was a good match. But we dinnae love each other."

Aidan turned and faced her, his gaze looking so bleak she forgot her own concerns and reached out a hand to lightly place on his arm. He didn't seem to notice as he continued to explain his marriage to Anne.

"Grace is right. I dinnae deserve to be happy."

"What?" Tillie asked in amazement. How could Grace tell him such a thing, and how could Aidan believe it? "What do ye mean ye dinnae deserve to be happy?"

Aidan looked away, and Tillie's gaze dropped to the ticking muscle in his jaw. When he looked back at her, there was a haunted edge to his gaze.

"Anne must have realized that I dinnae love her, and since she was barren, 'twas too much for her to handle. She was caught in a loveless marriage without even a bairn to love. I should have realized how unhappy she was. I should have done somethin'. If I had, mayhap she would not have felt so desperate as to throw herself off the cliff."

Understanding dawned on Tillie. Anne had jumped from the very cliff where she herself had stood days ago, looking for the kitten she'd heard meowing. His behavior made sense to her now. He'd lost his first wife to that cliff, and he feared he'd lose his second one the same way.

Still, that didn't explain his thinking he couldn't be happy. That Grace was encouraging it was almost unforgivable. Tillie stepped closer, until their toes were practically touching, and reached up to cup his stubbled cheek.

"Anne's death is a tragedy," she said softly, staring into his eyes. "But 'twas not yer fault. Ye cannae control the emotions or thoughts of another person."

"But if I had made her happy, then she would not have killed herself."

"Ye dinnae ken that," Tillie argued but still kept her voice soft.

"I think she had resigned herself to a loveless marriage, but when she couldn't have a bairn, she felt all hope was lost. I should have realized that and done something to help."

"What could ye have done?" Tillie asked. "If she was determined to end her life, I doubt ye could have prevented it."

Aidan's hand cupped Tillie's cheek, and he sighed. "Ye are sweet tryin' to absolve me, but I dinnae think 'tis possible. I am guilty of not protecting her, even from herself. 'Tis why, when yer parents contacted me about a marriage contract with ye, I agreed. The Kilmartin's are fertile, and I figured if ye had a bairn, ye'd be happy."

Tillie drew back in surprise. She'd known he wanted to marry her because of her clan's ability to have so many babies, but she hadn't known the deep truth, that he feared disappointing another wife. Her heart softened with his confession, and she reached up her other hand to cup his other cheek.

"I make my own happiness," she told him with a smile. "I dinnae need a bairn fer that, and I would not end my life for any reason."

Aidan studied her for a long moment, the muscle working in jaw as he contemplated her words. After a minute, his gaze dropped to her mouth and Tillie felt butterflies gather in her stomach. Just like that, all he had to do was look at her, and she felt her body respond. Even at a time like this. Or maybe because of a time like this when what she wanted most was to comfort him and convince him that he was not at fault for his wife's death.

She opened her mouth to tell him such but then paused as his eyes flared slightly. Before she could take her next breath, Aidan lowered his head and claimed her lips.