Chapter 11

Lilian didn't see Frederic at all the next day or the day after that. It wasn't long before weeks had passed, and she still hadn't seen him.

One morning, she was so in her head as she paced around her room, she didn't notice when Anne came in to prepare her for the day until she spoke.

"Your Grace, are you all right?" Anne asked.

Lilian leapt, startled by her soft voice. She turned to the girl eyeing her from the doorway.

Lilian shook her head, forcing a smile on her face that she hoped looked genuine. "Of course, I am. Why would you ask that?"

Anne stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. "Forgive me for overstepping, it's only that you seem rather…" She hesitated, searching for the right word. "… stressed." She set the breakfast tray down on the writing desk.

"Stressed? Why would I be stressed? It has only been a fortnight since I saw my husband. Nothing wrong whatsoever." Lilian shook her head. "Please take that away. I'm afraid I don't quite feel up to eating."

"Oh, you poor thing," Anne said.

Lilian winced. "Forget I said anything. This was most improper."

"No, I'm glad you did. It seems like you could use someone to talk to."

"But it shouldn't be you. I'm sorry for putting you in that position." Lilian stood. "Did you already select an outfit for today?"

"I did. Shall I go fetch it?"

"Please."

"Of course, Your Grace, but please try and eat something while I'm gone. I'd hate to think of you going hungry until lunch."

Lilian sighed. "I will think about it."

Alone for a moment, she groaned to herself. "I can't believe I let her see me like that. How shameful."

Then a spark of fear shot through her. What if Anne told the Dowager Duchess about the way Frederic was avoiding her?

She shook her head. She would need to make sure Anne knew it was nothing. Yes, she would just need to act completely normal when Anne came back.

A few moments later, Anne came back in with her gown for the day. "I selected your blue cotton day dress with the bobbin lace trim."

"That should be perfect."

Once Anne was helping her into her stays, Lilian cleared her throat. "I wasn't myself this morning when you first arrived. Please forget what you saw."

"I won't tell anyone," Anne assured quickly. "I promise."

"I didn't say you would."

"But that's what you're worried about, isn't it? I'm your lady's maid. I'm loyal to you. No one else."

"You should be careful saying things like that. I don't think the Duchess would be happy to hear that."

"But, Your Grace, you are the Duchess."

Lilian sighed. She may have the title, but this was Frederic and Louisa's home. She was just an interloper. "I suppose I am," was all she said.

Anne began buttoning her dress. "Your family should be coming to visit later today. Perhaps you could talk to them."

Lilian grimaced. "Perhaps."

"But you don't want to worry them. Understandable, but don't forget to worry about yourself. If you can't talk to them, maybe you could call on a friend."

Lilian grimaced at the thought of seeing any of the ladies she'd once shared the ballroom with. "Perhaps."

"Just think about it, and know I am in your corner."

"Thank you, Anne," she said, signaling the end of the conversation.

Once she was dressed and Anne had left, Lilian headed to the parlor to wait for her family.

She chose the main parlor. It was on the bottom floor just off the foyer. The furnishings were all dark woods and emerald greens. One of the maids had pulled back the curtains, allowing sunlight to stream inside. She perched on a sofa and waited.

When the door swung open, a short time later, she expected to see her family, but Frederic stepped into the room. She couldn't hide her surprise.

"What're you doing here?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "It's the first time your family is coming to see you since the wedding. I thought you would want me to make an appearance."

"I do. I just didn't think you would."

He huffed, taking his seat. "So little faith in your husband."

Lilian snorted. "Well, to be fair, I haven't seen my husband since the day after my wedding."

"I've been busy."

"I gathered."

"You could go out or invite people over."

"I have no one I'd want to invite, but even if I did, we are supposed to be on our honeymoon. People would talk."

"And the whole reason for this union was to stop people from talking." He sighed. "Have you seen my mother since the wedding?"

"She's usually at dinner. Not every night, though. When she is there, she always asks about you."

"What do you say?"

"I tell her you spent the day with me. That you have work you need to do. That I understand. If I am honest, I am running out of stories."

Frederic let out a long breath. "I see. Forgive me for being blunt, but I need to ask, are you disappointed with your choice?"

She snapped her head up to look at him. "With my choice to marry you?"

"Yes."

She let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head. "I can hardly afford to be. Are you disappointed?"

He just looked at her. "I don't think you answered my question, Lilian. Are you disappointed with your choice?"

"You didn't answer mine either."

"Perhaps but I asked first."

"You are going to make me answer?"

"I am."

She shook her head with a sigh. "Very well. Right, I won't say it's the life I always wanted because it's not, but I need to find a way to make this work. My hope is that I will be able to build a life here with you. I only wish you would do the same."

Frederic frowned. "I warned you there was business I needed to attend to that I wouldn't want you anywhere near."

"I assumed I would still see you regularly."

"You are seeing me now."

"I'm not asking for us to spend hours together every day. I'm not even asking you to be at dinner most nights. Just give me something."

"What do you want? Give me something to work with."

She sighed. "Well, you could start by at least telling me before you disappear for days on end. I won't ask where you're going. Just tell me if you're going to be out all night. Do you think you could do that?"

He sighed. "Fine, you should know I'm going out again tonight. Now that you know, is that better?"

She deflated. "I suppose I have little choice but to live with it."

He nodded. "Is there anything else?"

"If you're honestly asking, yes. I'd like for us to spend at least an hour or two together every week. We didn't have a proper courtship, and I'd like a chance to get to know the man I married."

"I don't know that I'll always have time."

"That's all right. It's about making an effort even if you don't always succeed. Can we at least try together?"

Before he could say anything else, the door opened, and the Cooke family spilled inside with bright smiles and tight hugs.

Lilian got to her feet, eager to greet her family.

"Oh, my daughter." Solomon pulled her in for another hug before stepping back to study her. "Married life suits you. You look well."

She forced her smile to stay firmly in place. "Thank you, Father. We are quite happy together, but I've missed you all so much."

"Not too much, I hope. I'm glad to see you settling into married life. Have you been looking after her well?"

"Indeed," Frederic chimed in.

"How lovely!" Rachel took a seat. "Now that your honeymoon is over, can we expect to see the two of you at Lady Dayhard's ball tomorrow night?"

"Sadly, I've gotten rather behind on my work while we were on our honeymoon, so I will be unable to attend," Frederic said.

"And I would hate to attend without my husband," Lilian hastened to add.

He shot her a look, but she refused to return it.

"Understandable, but I do hope you too don't intend to stay away from Society for too long." Rachel frowned. "Everyone has missed you greatly and can hardly wait to congratulate you."

"Perhaps next time, and if anyone is too eager to wait for my return to Society, they are welcome to stop by during my calling hours."

"Lilian! You are a married woman. You are also able to call on them."

Lilian bit back her desired response that they never bothered to check in on her or extend genuine friendship before. Instead, she said, "I will keep that in mind next time I am out, but if I'm honest, I don't feel ready to go out just yet."

"You must at least make it to the seamstress. Now that you are a married woman, your wardrobe will need an update."

Lilian found herself offering an honest smile at that. "I will make a point to do that very soon."

"I'm surprised you haven't already!"

"Yes, well, I was on my honeymoon. I needed to take time to get used to my new home. I must confess, I'm embarrassed to admit it took me almost a week just to learn my way around the place!"

"I can see why! This place is lovely, but it is rather large, isn't it? Are you planning on doing any decorating?"

"So far, I am more than content with the way things are."

"Oh, but you are the lady of the house! You must do something to show that!"

"How funny," Frederic said. "I believe my mother told her the same thing."

Lilian shot him a look. "Yes, well, it hardly seems my place, and everything is already so lovely."

"It is exactly your place! This is how you show everyone that you are settling into your new position. Everyone remembers what Pembroke House looked like before. Now, they need to see that it is yours."

"Yes, well, it has been years since we last entertained." Frederic looked away. "I'm not sure how much anyone remembers."

Rachel sighed. "Just think about it, my dear."

Lilian nodded then let the conversation wash over her. Most of it came from Rachel, but the others chimed in here and there. Well, almost all of the others.

Through all of this, Lilian couldn't help but notice that her brother still hadn't said anything. She tried to meet Matthew's eyes. For a while, he wouldn't let her, but it was only a matter of time before she got her way. What she saw there made her frown.

Matthew's eyes were carefully blank. When she gave him a questioning look, he just shook his head before looking away again.

Frederic noticed the exchange, getting to his feet. "Solomon, Rachel, why don't I show you the gardens? We just had a few new plants added after the wedding, and it is such a nice day out."

Solomon frowned. "That sounds lovely, but what about Matthew and Lilian? I couldn't help but notice you made no mention of them."

"I didn't mean to leave them out. I simply assumed the siblings would love a chance to catch up."

"Of course," Rachel said. "I imagine they would! Come along, dear, let's give them a few moments together without us hovering over them."

Then the trio slipped out of the room, leaving the pair alone. Lilian found herself wishing they could shut the door behind them. For a long moment, neither of them spoke. She just sat there, staring at him.

Finally, Matthew crossed his arms and begrudgingly spoke. "How are things? Is he treating you right?"

She forced a smile. "I'm as happy as I can expect to be. I have hope that things will get even better."

His frown deepened. "That isn't the same as being happy."

"How have things been at home since I left?" she asked, changing the subject.

He sighed. "I know what you are trying to do."

"I don't know what you mean. I simply want to hear how my family has been since I moved out. Is that so hard to believe?"

He shot her a look and then replied, "They are overjoyed anytime you come up in conversation if that's what you mean."

"I thought they would be, but that isn't quite what I was asking. I also can't help but notice you left yourself out of the equation."

He looked away. "They miss you, of course. We all do, but they're happy you found someone who they think you can be happy with."

She let out a sigh of relief. "Good, I'm glad."

He grunted in response.

Lilian frowned. "How are you doing? It must be weird not having me there. I know it's weird for me not to be there."

"It is, but I can get used to it as long as I know you're happy."

"Good, I'm glad."

Matthew studied her. "Then you're happy?"

"I'm as happy as I can be."

"You still aren't answering the question. Not really. I'm starting to wonder if that isn't an answer in and of itself."

She sighed. "I'm not quite sure what exactly you want me to say."

"I don't want you to say anything. I just want to know that you don't or you won't regret your choice."

"I don't regret my choice," she said without hesitation.

He let out a relieved sigh. "Good, that's all I need to hear."

"Really?"

"Really. Anytime I think about you, I feel like you're just alone here, miserable, and I can't help but worry."

"Well, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, it isn't everything I want. Not yet, but I do feel like I could build a good life here."

He sighed. "I supposed that's the best I can ask for."

"I know it doesn't sound great, and I hope you never have to make a choice like the one I made, but it isn't the worst thing in the world."

"Such high praise."

"Yes, yes, I'm aware I'm not exactly selling it, but I have a lot of what I'd always wanted. A house I'm free to do with as I please, the freedom to make or not make my own social plans as I see fit, and privacy."

"Sounds to me like the bare minimum."

"Yes, well, as you should know, I didn't have any of that as an unmarried daughter living at home."

"Yes, but you could have gotten that from anyone. It didn't need to be him."

"You are a fool if you think every man allows his wife those freedoms. I'm sure they don't seem like much to you, but that is your blind spot."

He grimaced, looking away. "You know what I'm getting at, Lilian. Don't put words in my mouth."

"Then don't make it so easy."

He laughed. "Good to see married life hasn't changed you."

"That's where you're wrong. I think it has. Quite a bit, actually. What's more, I think that's a good thing. I won't say I haven't been lonely since I got here, but I also feel free from responsibilities I've wanted to be rid of for far too long."

"Such as?"

"No more hunting for a husband. No more trying to charm every person I encounter and worrying about the consequences. I've done it. I've accomplished the one goal and requirement for every woman. I married well."

"Then why are you hiding away here? If you've got all this freedom, why aren't you out there, enjoying it?"

"Because after everything, I need some time to myself. Is that so hard to understand, Matthew? I've spent the past two years parading through town like a prized show pony. I got the ribbon. Now, allow me to rest in my stall!"

He couldn't help but laugh at her face. "Very well then. I am happy you are enjoying a well-deserved rest, you Hackey. Enjoy your hay and sugar cubes."

"I intend to!"

Once they were gone, Lilian found herself wandering the empty halls. She wasn't really going anywhere if she were being honest, she just enjoyed looking around. It seemed like there was always something hidden around every corner that she missed.

She rounded one only to find an annoyed-looking Frederic.

Lilian jumped, letting out a small squeak. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"I'll sneak however I like in my own home."

She frowned. "What's going on? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"You seem angry. I'm just not sure why. Did I do something?"

He shook his head. "It has to do with my business. You need not concern yourself with it."

She tried not to let her face fall. "Right, of course." There was a moment of silence. "I think I'm going to make a trip to the dressmaker today. Do you need me to do anything while I'm out?"

"No, but I hope you enjoy yourself." He turned to go.

"Wait," she called out to him. He stopped, turning to her. "You haven't mentioned what my monthly stipend is."

"You don't have one. Get whatever you like. Money is hardly a concern."

Lilian blinked at him in shock. "But surely you must have a limit."

He shook his head. "I trust you to use your sound judgment, but you can let yourself indulge. It's fine. Really."

"If you're sure…." she trailed off, still not quite convinced.

"I am."

"Right then, I'm going to go shopping and get a few dresses."

"Sounds lovely. I hope you have a good time." He turned to go, but she stopped him.

"Wait, do you think I should ask your mother to join me?"

He hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "You can, but I doubt she will. She doesn't like to go out much."

"I can understand that, but still, I think I'd like to at least make the offer."

"Then I think she's in the garden."

"Thank you." Her eyes lit up. "I'll go ask her before I head out. Will I see you at dinner this evening?"

He shook his head. "Not tonight. As I said, I won't be around tonight."

"Of course. Where are you off to?"

"I told you. It's personal." He pushed past her, leaving her alone in the hall.

Lilian took a deep breath and made her way down the hall. She found Louisa in the garden, sitting at a small table. Her eyes were locked on a small bird fluttering in a tree.

"Good afternoon," Lilian called, pulling the woman from her thoughts.

"Lilian," Louisa replied with a small smile. "How are you doing?"

"I'm well. I was about to go into town for a bit, order some dresses, and perhaps do some shopping. I wanted to see if you wanted to join me."

"Oh, that's very sweet of you, but I'm quite all right. I hope you have a lovely time!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, quite sure."

Lilian gave a tight smile then slipped off to go summon the carriage. A short time later, she found herself in the seamstress's shop.

She ordered three new gowns, and as she was selecting the fabrics, the door opened, and Lady Beatrice Stark and her mother came in.

The second Beatrice laid eyes on her, Lilian knew her peaceful shopping trip was about to come to an end.

"Your Grace!" The woman plastered on a massive fake grin. "How lovely to see you out and about! We haven't seen you since your wedding. How are you?"

"I am quite well, and how are you?"

"Wonderful as always. I'm expecting a betrothal of my own any day now."

Lilian knew the expected thing was for her to ask who, but she found she couldn't be bothered. She simply said, "How nice," before turning back to the fabrics she had been checking.

"It is! We are very excited. You will be at the wedding, of course? With your husband?"

"I can assure you, if you send us an invitation, we will look at our calendars."

Beatrice scoffed in indignation.

Lilian finished her selection and then turned away. "Now, if you'd excuse me, I must return home. My husband is waiting."

That night after dinner, Lilian paced her room.

Frederic didn't want to include her in his life. More than that, he didn't even want to tell her about his life. And there was no one she could tell.

Lilian was startled out of her thoughts when Anne stepped into the room. "Are you ready to undress for the night, Your Grace?"

She frowned. "No, that's all right. I can take care of myself tonight. Why don't you take the rest of the day off."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure." She hesitated. "Only, before you go, bring me my cloak. I'd like to take a walk in the gardens."

"Of course, Ma'am. I'll be right back with that."

And so, a short time later, Lilian found herself pacing near the entrance of an alley just across the street.

It wasn't long before she saw what she had been waiting for.

The door opened, and Frederic slipped outside. He turned his collar up, ducked his head, and started walking.

Lilian wasted no time in following him. She kept a careful distance. She didn't want to be noticed, but she couldn't afford to lose sight of him.

She followed him down to the docks, not far from the place where they ran into each other all those weeks ago.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered to herself.

As she crept closer, she noticed a group of men. Her spine stiffened. Were they going to try and hurt him?

She couldn't help but picture the man from that night being carried away by those awful men.

Then they spotted him.

Lilian's heart pounded as she braced for disaster.

A man laughed, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Freddy! Good to see you again!"

She could only watch in shock at the pair talking as though they were old friends. She must have spent close to an hour just watching them before she turned and made her way back to Pembroke House.

When she got inside, she didn't go back to her room. Instead, she just paced near the door, waiting until Frederic finally came home.

"Are you satisfied?" he demanded the second he was through the door.

Lilian's mouth opened and closed in shock. "You knew I was there?"

"Of course, I knew. You weren't exactly subtle."

"I won't apologize."

"What?"

"I said I won't apologize." She squared her shoulders. "Yes, I followed you. I said I would stay out of your business, but I'm your wife. I have a right to know if you are in debt to a shady lender. That affects me, too, you know."

His eyes darted to her. "Is that what you think I was doing? Paying off a debt collector?"

"Isn't it?"

"Heavens, no! I would never take a loan from someone like them. I saw what happened to my brother."

Lilian paled. "Brother? I didn't know you had a brother. Why wasn't he at the wedding?"

He shook his head. "He—he was killed."

"I'm so sorry."

"It was a long time ago."

Lilian frowned, taking a step towards him. "Does this have something to do with what you were doing tonight?"

"It doesn't matter. It's none of your business."

"But it is. Were you doing the same thing on the night you found me by the docks? I think you were, since this was so close to where we were."

"Actually, we were nowhere near where we were that night. I would never have let you follow me back over there. It would be too dangerous."

"If it's so dangerous, then why do you go there?"

He glared. "This conversation is over."

"You don't get to decide that! Tell me what happened to your brother. It has something to do with why you were there that night and why you went back out tonight, doesn't it?"

"I said to stay out of it."

"Either tell me, or I'll keep following you. I'll go out every night if I have to just to make sure you stay safe."

"I'll lock the door to your room each night myself. You aren't getting involved in this. It's too dangerous."

"Then it's too dangerous for you."

"You don't understand, Lilian. I have to do this. There's no reason to involve you."

"I'm already involved. I married you. If you don't want me to go out, I will respect that, but you have to talk to me."

He sighed. "You want to know? Fine! This all could have been over the night we met. It was the first time in years Tony went out himself. He's always so careful. No one has ever even seen his face before, and I missed it because I had to get you out of there before you got yourself killed."

Realization slowly crossed her face. "Do you mean the man who had the scarf over his face?"

"I do."

"I saw him."

"I know we both did."

"No! I saw his face that night."

"What?"

"There was a moment when his scarf fell down. He turned in my direction, and I saw his face for a few moments."

His jaw opened and closed in shock. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?"

Lilian thought for a moment, letting the memory of the man's face wash over her. "Yes, I should think I would."

Frederic's face lit up. "This is great! You can help me identify him! We can finally bring him down!"

Her eyes lit up. "You want me to help?"

"I need you to help." Then he paled. "No, no, you can't help me. It's too dangerous. I'll figure it out. You just stay out of it."

"But you just said I could help, and I am possibly the only person who has ever seen his face. You need my help. Please, allow me to offer it."

He shook his head. "You don't understand how dangerous it could be."

"I do, but I am willing to take the risk. Let me help."

He sighed. "Let me think about it."

"All right, but in the meantime, no more keeping me in the dark. I am your wife. I want to help, so let me."

He nodded. "All right. I won't keep you in the dark any longer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think we both could use some rest."

Lilian glanced out the window and grimaced at the sight of the first rays of morning sunlight forcing their way over the horizon. "Goodness, I hadn't realized it was so late."

"I believe it would be more accurate to say you hadn't realized it was so early."

To her surprise, Lilian found herself laughing. "I suppose you have a point there. Good night, Frederic. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good morning, Lilian. I'll see you in a few hours."

She snorted and headed back to her room.

That night, even though she didn't sleep long, it was the best rest she had since her wedding night.