15. Astrid

15

ASTRID

Space made a hell of a lot of sense when the image of Zyrus lying limp on my bed was fresh in my head. It was harder to remember why I shouldn't touch him when he was going through his daily stretches in the living room, pants slung low and shirt cast aside to show off his chiseled chest.

A chest I could be rubbing myself all over if I just said the word.

He didn't speak to me, but something told me that he knew I was there. Was it the bond between us, that thing I could feel deep in my gut that connected me to him? Or was it something baser? The kind of awareness that only came from realized attraction.

My body was a simmering kettle of need, and I had to ignore it.

But I couldn't stop watching.

Zyrus's body moved smoothly; a liquid grace that hinted at a strength I'd seen up close. He was a warrior, but right now he looked more like an artist, a dancer, body fluidly transitioning from one move to the next.

I wanted him so damn badly that it hurt.

But I was afraid. What would happen if it was too much? Could being with me kill him? Would he pass out every time we fucked? How was I supposed to live with that risk?

He bent forward, grasping his arms behind his legs for a moment before slowly rising, his hands fanning out in a wide circle before finally coming to rest at his side. He paused for a moment and then turned to face me. "Did you sleep well?" he asked.

No. I bit the word back. Any release washed away on a wave of anxiety after I banished him from my bed. I'd tossed and turned all night, sneaking out somewhere in the early hours just to make sure he was still breathing. "I'm fine. How about you?"

He took two stalking steps towards me before stopping himself. "It could have been better. If I had you in my arms."

"Zyrus …" He was close enough to touch, and my hand was on him before I could tell myself to resist. I snapped it back like I'd been burned. "If you won't go to medical, how can I know you're okay?" I couldn't say I liked doctors, but we had a whole medical department at our disposal up there. This wasn't the encampment down on Nebula. If there was a medical problem, we could get answers, or at least try.

"There's nothing wrong with me. Not anymore." He didn't step back.

All I'd have to do was tilt my head up and I could be kissing him. Or I could lean forward and bury my face in his chest and let him carry me off to my room. I just had to stop saying no and I could have everything.

If it was this hard after only a few hours, how impossible would it be to deny him forever?

"How can you know that?" An image flashed in my head, the way his eyes rolled back as he went limp. For a horrible second, I thought he was dead. He'd only been out a few moments, shorter than after the kiss, but long enough. Too long to bear.

He was quiet for a moment, considering. "Drex and Ryklin both went through something similar. I'm no different than them."

"You are to me."

The words hung between us, a declaration, one I couldn't face at that moment.

I spun around and marched to the bathroom, turning on the shower and hoping it would drown out any noise of Zyrus in the main room. If there were tears, they got caught in the spray.

But I couldn't hide in the bathroom forever.

I didn't look into the main room as I went to my bedroom wrapped up in a towel. If I saw the way Zyrus looked at me … No! No thinking about Zyrus when I was next to naked.

I pulled on clothes and sat on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on my thighs and head cradled in my hands. How was I going to get control of this? Should I talk to Drex or Ryklin? Pippa or Noelle? I barely knew them. Yes, they might have answers, but it felt like asking too much; it was too intimate and too new. And what would they think? Zyrus was supposed to be protecting me, not crawling into my bed.

There was one person I could talk to who'd help me clear my head. She might not know anything about Detyen mating rituals, but she knew me, and that was the important part.

Zyrus accompanied me silently down to Alice's place, and I couldn't resist reaching out and giving his hand a squeeze before I knocked on her door. He took advantage, raising my hand and brushing his lips against my knuckles. I shivered, and he stepped back before it could become anything more.

I was going to go insane.

When I stepped into Alice's room and the door shut behind me, cutting me off from Zyrus and the rest of the station, I leaned back against it and groaned.

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Everything alright?"

I closed my eyes and let my head roll from side to side, my skull still resting against her door.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I cracked an eye open and shook my head again. Even if that was my whole reason for coming here, now my tongue felt like lead in my mouth. Alice was my lifeline down on Nebula, a person I'd known for more than a decade. But that was the thing—we'd just known each other. I wouldn't call us close friends.

No, they were still stuck on Nebula while I was up here upset that a super hot alien wanted to crawl into my bed for the rest of my life.

I forced myself to stand up properly. And when I really looked around, worry shot through me. The place was a mess. Had it been ransacked? For the millionth time, I wondered if I should have insisted on Alice having someone to watch out for her.

Then I noticed the bag on her bed. Clothes were piled beside it, the outfits she'd managed to acquire in our weeks on Nebula Outpost. "Are you moving to new quarters?" Her room was cramped, definitely, but she hadn't said a word about it being too small.

Alice sank down onto the bed and grinned. "I heard back from Cadence and Namyra. They thought I was trying to scam them at first."

"And you convinced them otherwise?" That was a problem I hadn't thought of. Disbelief, sure. But I'd forgotten how eager some people were to prey on others' grief.

Her smile widened even farther. "Eventually." She picked up a pair of pants and started to carefully fold them. "Cadence said Cassian, our son, just graduated from high school. With honors." The smile faded a bit, and she stuffed the pants into her bag harder than necessary.

"Wow. Little Cassian. Really? And is he a champion speeder race/swimmer/genius like he wanted to be?" Telling stories about our families had been a way to cope in the beginning, and I remembered Alice sharing a lot about her little boy.

"Apparently he's been diving for several years. Off of cliffs." She scowled. "I can't believe Cadence lets him do that."

"Says the woman who did the exact same thing when we found that bend in the river." It had been a day of joy not too long after the explosion, though when Rory hit the water wrong and hurt his ankle, we remembered just how impossible medical care was, trapped as we were.

"Do you think he even remembers me? He was so young when I left. Cadence didn't want me to go, but the money was so good, and my contract was only a year. I thought …" She let out a huff of air. "Well, what I thought doesn't matter."

"I'm sure he remembers you. Your wife wouldn't let him forget. When do you leave?" With her bags nearly packed, she couldn't be staying long.

"Cadence needs to arrange the ticket, but not long. Make sure to contact me when the lawsuit gets put together. I want to sue these bastards for all they're worth. And then some."

"What makes you think that I'll be the one putting that together?" Though it had been on my mind, something to worry about after everyone was safe and far away from Nebula.

"You always take charge. It's just what you do." She looked at me for several beats. "Now do you want to talk about it?"

"I have no idea how to help everyone down on Nebula." It wasn't why I'd come here, but sitting with Alice was a harsh reminder of everything I'd been whisked away from, of everything I still needed to do.

If only I could figure out how.

"Stop focusing on what you can't do and do what you can." She slipped her hand inside her bag and pulled out a thin tablet, touching the screen to wake it up. She tapped it a few times, and my communicator vibrated. "I've been thinking of strategies. Legal, illegal, and other."

"Other?"

Alice shrugged.

"Maybe that will help. Or maybe it will just help you think. You look so tense you're about to explode. Find a way to loosen up, and things will get better."

That startled a hollow laugh out of me. I stood. "Don't leave without saying goodbye."

"I won't."

Zyrus met me outside of her room and walked me the short path back to mine. There was a really easy way to loosen up, if I was willing to take the risk.

I wasn't.

"I want you to teach me how to defend myself," I said as the door slid closed behind him. "I want to be able to fight off anyone who comes at me."

He considered me for a moment. "A blaster would do that better than anything."

"Do you have one of those sitting around?" I'd shot one before, though it had been a long while. "I haven't exactly seen them in any shop."

"They're restricted to station security, though it should be easy enough to get one on the black market. But not quick."

"Then show me how to defend myself without one." I wasn't waiting around for weapons to magically appear.

Zyrus hesitated for a fraction of a second. "If someone attacks you, you should run. I'm there to defend you."

"And if you're not there?"

"Then I'm dead."

The words were a punch to the gut. I couldn't imagine a galaxy without him in it now that he was so close, now that we'd …

No, not thinking about that.

"Let's imagine a less dire situation where you're somehow incapacitated but not dead and I need to defend myself, okay? You tripped over your feet, and some attacker got the drop on me."

That startled a sound out of him, and it took me a second to realize it was a laugh.

I'd never heard him laugh before.

"I won't trip over my feet."

"Please, Zyrus." I needed to do something, and this was the best idea I had.

Or it seemed that way until he stepped close and clasped my wrist. "What do you do now?" he asked.

Oh, shit.

I gulped and tugged my arm back, but his grip was solid. "You tell me what to do. Come on."

"Self-defense is mostly instinct and improvisation. Try something." He squeezed. It wasn't hard enough to bruise, but it did hurt just a bit.

I rammed my shoulder into his chest then jerked myself back with all my might. And it worked. It freaking worked.

"Ha!" I pointed straight at him, and he grabbed my wrist again.

"When you escape a hold, don't hang around to get caught again." He tugged me towards him, and I tried to twist away.

But I couldn't get free.

We ended up pressed together, his grip on my wrists tightening as he pinned me against him. Heat radiated off him, and my breath hitched.

He stared down at me, nostrils flaring. "Do you want me to let you go?" His voice was rough, deeper than usual.

I wanted a lot of things. Distance between myself and Zyrus was at the bottom of that list.

I tilted my chin up and claimed his lips.

So much for self-defense.