15. Everly

CHAPTER 15

EVERLY

T here was something heavy sitting on my chest. It wasn't a heart attack because it was a metaphorical heaviness.

The last thing that I had wanted was to stop seeing Urban altogether. But why couldn't he just keep it casual? He was the first person since my last boyfriend whom I had wanted to see for more than just one night and I had deluded myself into thinking that we were really friends who sometimes had sex.

OK. Maybe not sometimes. Maybe often.

Now… we weren't even friends.

The Knights had only been home for three days and then they were going back out onto the road and were going to be gone seven. For the life of me, I'd never understand this schedule.

I might not have wanted to date Urban, but I also hadn't wanted him gone from my life completely.

I could do this. Yet not hearing from him after the game Friday, and then again on Saturday, when I'd known he'd been in Kalamazoo, sure as hell felt like a breakup. That was me being ridiculous given that you have to be with someone to break up and we weren't together at my insistence.

That weekend, I ignored everyone and everything. It wasn't until Monday at camp that I talked to another person.

"What happened?" Jade asked as soon as I'd gotten out of my car in the parking lot. Somehow, this woman made the camp T-shirt and khaki shorts look like high fashion. She was wearing wedge sandals, which was a clear sign that she didn't do the things outside like I did. Jade had both wrists full of bracelets that were probably far too expensive to get paint all over.

I guess those with money didn't think about things like that.

"What are you talking about?" I began my walk toward the main building .

"I texted and called all weekend. You didn't answer. I was going to ask if it was because you were naked with your hot baseball player, but looking at you right now, it's definitely something else." She stopped and pulled me to stop with her. "Family shit? Are they bugging you for money again?"

I took a deep breath. Jade had been there with me through everything. She was the one person to whom I could tell everything.

"No. I mean, yes. Always but I'm fresh out of fucks to give."

"Good. You don't need to support them."

"I know." I sighed. "Then I went to breakfast with Urban on Friday after the kids got picked up. Ramona was there. She came over to us."

The sound of disgust in Jade's throat told me exactly what she thought of that. "I can't believe she still has the nerve to try to talk to you."

"Yeah. Me, either."

Jade's brown eyes searched mine, as if she'd know exactly what was wrong if she just looked hard enough. She'd get her answer either way.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it right now, but Urban and I aren't… doing whatever it was we were doing. "

"Dating," she said. "You were dating." I scowled, but it didn't deter her at all. "What happened?" she asked, then she immediately added, "Forget I asked. You said you don't want to talk about it right now, so we'll do it tonight. I'll bring dinner."

There was no sense in arguing with her. I wasn't going to win.

After work, I went right home to shower the outdoors off of me. I had my wet hair pulled up into a bun and put on the only Knights T-shirt I had that I'd bought to go to the camp game, along with some comfortable shorts. I probably should've examined why I'd put on the Knights T-shirt, but as the queen of denial, I wasn't going to.

Right after I'd finished getting dressed, there was a knock on my door then Jade glided through with a large bag in her hand. We usually never waited for someone to answer the door at either of our apartments.

"I got us Italian. Is that good for you?" she asked. "Pasta? Carbs? Breadsticks?"

I was very hungry, so I said, "Sounds delicious to me." It did sound delicious, but I wouldn't be eating much of it .

Though this place had my favorite salad, and Jade had ordered extra of those for leftovers to store in my refrigerator. Once we were settled at my coffee table and something was playing on the TV, though I didn't know what, she finally descended.

"So, tell me what happened."

There was no use fighting with her, so I obeyed. I told her about Urban and me the night before at the baseball field, then I told her about breakfast and my sister showing up.

"Aww," she said when I told her about him not thinking about anyone else. "Have you talked to him since?"

I shook my head. "He usually texts me after his games, but he hasn't."

"Have you texted him? You can text him first, ya know."

I bit into my bottom lip as my way of telling her I hadn't without saying the words.

She sighed and moved closer to me before putting an arm around my shoulders. "Everly, have you considered that maybe opening your heart up to him wouldn't be the worst thing in the world?"

"No." When she giggled, I continued. "I haven't considered it, Jade, because I wasn't even dating him and I feel fucking heartbroken over the fact that we aren't seeing each other anymore. Could you imagine how I'd feel when he actually broke my heart? If I allowed myself feelings for him?"

Jade grimaced but then took a deep breath. At least she had the decency to not mention the tears burning my eyes. "Hate to break it to you, babe, but you already have feelings for him. Otherwise, none of this would bother you."

I dropped my head back onto the couch, trapping her arm between my head and the cushion. "I know. But I really wanted us to be friends. He's easy to talk to."

"I'm serious, though, Everly. If that Bryson guy never wanted to see you, you wouldn't care."

"I'd celebrate, though I will say he hasn't reached out in a while." That didn't mean I'd let my guard down. "Camden told me that he and Urban almost got into a physical fight in the clubhouse, but she didn't have the details as to why."

"I'm sure it had something to do with you, but whatever it took, I'll be glad if that man disappears from your life."

"Me too."

I was able to breathe normally again. For a few minutes, I was only taking very deep breaths to ensure that I wouldn't cry. Crying wasn't even my thing, so it made zero sense. As I thought about what Jade had said about it not being the worst thing in the world to have feelings, my eye caught the sad flowers on the dining table.

Urban had sent me those and now, they were wilting.

I knew the feeling.

Jade stayed later than she should have, but she didn't want to go home until she thought I was in a good place, and I loved her for it.

But as I lay in my bed that night staring up at the ceiling, Jade's words rang in my ears. I could text him first.

I didn't think I'd done that a single time since we'd met.

Friday outside of the restaurant, I'd let my fears get the best of me, which I didn't do too often. If you didn't count the whole not having a boyfriend out of fear that he'd hurt me thing. That was a valid fear that had been proven justified time and time again.

Plus, Urban didn't want to stay in Kalamazoo, so that meant at the end of the season, we'd be done anyway .

But the way we'd left it didn't sit well with me, either.

And I could text him first.

So once I worked up the courage, I tapped a message out on my phone. Have your games gone well?

Though I supposed I could've looked that up online. The problem being was that I'd have no idea what made a good game. Urban and Camden were the ones who told me if something was good or bad or if he felt like he hadn't done his job.

Stats alone meant nothing to me.

Is this you changing your mind?

I swallowed hard. I haven't changed my mind. I'd still like to see you, tho.

Adrenaline shot through me. Maybe that had been a dumb thing to say. Maybe he wouldn't care. Maybe I was sending mixed signals.

Maybe it didn't matter because he never replied.

Camden wasn't at camp that week. She'd told me that she was going to the away games, so she wouldn't have been. She'd even said that I should come with her, but that, I shot down for several reasons. The first being it would send mixed signals to Urban, especially now that we weren't seeing each other anymore. Second, it sounded expensive. I didn't live the life that she did, or Urban did, or Jade did. It was different.

In my mind, even with my decent savings, I couldn't afford the week off work or the cost of the trip. You never knew when the next emergency would happen.

That made for a quiet week. Jade spent as much time with me as she could, but eventually, I had to kick her out. She had things to do and had even canceled going to an engagement party for friends of her family to hang out with me.

This was what I didn't want. I didn't want my heart to hurt and I didn't want my best friend taking care of me.

I knew when the team got back on Sunday night because Camden texted me demanding that I meet her at Cleats & Kegs, her best friend's bar near the ballpark. At first, my automatic answer was no . Then she said her brothers weren't there because her flight had landed earlier than theirs did.

That was when I decided to throw caution to the wind and meet Camden.

She was already in a booth near the bar when I arrived. This was more of a bar and grill vibe and they did have some food. It was the kind of place you could be comfortable without it being a dive bar. And it was busy without being packed. I hadn't done anything much to dress up. I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. My hair was down, but only with a slight wave that formed naturally, and I hadn't put on any makeup.

"Hey." She smiled widely.

"You have got to be the happiest after-traveling person I've ever met." I dropped into the booth across from her. "Most people are ready for a nap when they land."

She laughed and looked wider awake than I did and all I'd done was lie around my apartment all day. "I think most people don't travel the way I did this week."

"What do you mean?"

"My parents had me take their private plane. I didn't have to wait with hordes of people."

Meaning, if I'd have gone, I probably wouldn't have had to buy plane tickets all week. Nah. I still wouldn't have gone, considering where Urban and I were.

"How did it go?" I asked because Camden could also explain what was good and what was bad.

"It was good. They won more than they lost. The Knights are in first place, but it's still early in the season."

Right. It was June and Urban had told me that they played into September, October if they made the playoffs, which he thought they would.

What a long fucking season.

"That's good," I said, then a pop appeared in front of me.

"I pay attention," she told me. "You don't drink and always get a diet when you do order a pop, so I took the chance."

"Well, thank you." I took a nice, long drink. I didn't think I was obvious about the fact that I didn't drink, but either I was, or Camden paid close attention. It wasn't something I was embarrassed about, but most of the time, when a person said they didn't drink, it was followed by questions. Or that was my experience, anyway.

I never wanted to answer the questions.

"Urban played well," she offered, though I hadn't asked. "Angry, but well."

"What do you mean, angry ?"

She shrugged. "I feel like he was looking for a fight with someone, and I don't necessarily mean with fists. The players yap back and forth all the time, and he was definitely trying to goad the other teams. Nothing big happened." She snorted. "Earlier this year, I was at the games in New York and my brother Cobb is on that team. Then Silas and Brooks were on the Knights. Urban hadn't been traded yet. Anyway, Silas ended up charging at the pitch, which turned into a full-out brawl with my brothers on opposite sides."

My eyes widened. "What happened?"

"Brooks held Cobb off. He's a pitcher and if he fucked up his hand, he probably wouldn't be able to play again. He's twenty-three and his career would be over."

"Yeah. That would suck."

"Anyway, nothing like that happened." She swirled her straw in her drink as I waited for what I knew was coming. "I figured that if Urban was in a shitty mood all week, that you might be too, so I wanted to check on you."

Shaking my head, I said, "You don't have to check on me, Camden. I'm fine. I'm sure your brother is fine. Someone probably irritated him is all." Yeah. Me.

Camden eyed me suspiciously. "Right. Something happened, anyway."

Luckily, I was able to change the subject so that we could spend the next half hour laughing about things at camp or something one of us had said. I liked Camden and hoped when things settled down with Urban that she wouldn't be put in the middle and not be my friend anymore. I didn't think that'd be the case.

As we laughed, the door opened and a bunch of loud guys came streaming in. It wasn't until the fourth face that I realized this was at least some of the Knights team. Brooks gave it away. He and Jenner were there, but Silas and Urban weren't.

Silas made sense. He probably wanted to spend the night at home with Amity.

Camden rolled her eyes. "They have an off day tomorrow, so a bunch of them end up here."

"I think I'm going to head out."

"Why?" She reached out and put her hand on mine. "Urban isn't going to come. He's probably still in a bad mood."

They'd had a day game today and then flown home. It was barely seven-thirty, and suddenly, my stomach reminded me that I was hungry. But there was something else I needed to do first.

I shook my head. "That's not why. I just want to curl up in my pajamas with some ice cream." Which would be exactly what I did after I took care of something else .

"All right, but let's go shopping or something soon."

"Absolutely." Though I didn't love shopping, if Camden wanted to go, I'd go with her. It was the same way that I often humored Jade.

I had to push my way through the Knights crowd and was thankful when I got outside. After getting into my car and hitting the locks—a woman should never sit in a parked car without locking the doors—I pulled my phone out of my purse and hit his contact without hesitation. If I hesitated, I'd chicken out.

Urban answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

I opened my mouth, yet nothing came out. He sighed.

"Everly?"

"Can I come over?" I asked quickly so he wouldn't hang up.

" What ?"

"Can I come over to talk to you?"

"I haven't changed my mind, Everly. If you don't want to be with me, that's fine, but—"

With a quieter voice, I said, "Can I come over?"

He sighed, then said, "Sure. Come over."

It took maybe fifteen minutes for me to get to his apartment, but another three to get me to knock on the door. When I finally did, he opened it right away, like he'd just been waiting for me to knock.

Nervous butterflies took off in my stomach as if their lives depended on it, but I knew I couldn't let that scare me off.

I needed to talk to him.