32. Sawyer

CHAPTER 32

SAWYER

I tried like hell to stay awake last night so I could call Leah when she got home but staying up until after 3AM on Saturday night has me fucked up. I barely got my eyes open enough to reply when she texted me back last night, and I was out like a light within minutes of our conversation ending. So, with my five o'clock alarm going off right now it's taking everything in me not to throw my phone across the room.

I silence it with a groan and push myself out of bed to get on with my day. After getting a run and a quick workout in, I take a shower before dressing in my Badgers hoodie, a pair of blue jeans, my old Yankees cap and running shoes and I'm out the door by six. Which is a new personal best for me.

Tucker

Congratulations, I think you're married now.

*attachment of NYE photo*

Tank

Wow. He beat you to it. ROFL emoji

Max

Are we sure Taylor actually even likes you at this point?

Tucker

I have reputable proof that she does smirk emoji

Me

I will remove myself from this group chat so fast if you start talking about your sex life with my sister.

Tucker

zipped lip emoji

Tank

ANYWAYSS… Looks like you got your girl then? Congrats man.

Me

You are the most in touch with your feelings group of guys I've ever met you know that? And thank you. Just gotta keep her now.

Tucker

That's because we're all in therapy. We're some healed motherfuckers who learned how to express their feelings. meditation emoji

Max

Are you doing their commercials now or something???

Tank

Max is still new to therapy. You'll have to ignore him.

Me

No no. I like Max's vibe. Don't try to change him.

Max

Nah, they're right. I need some healing too. But don't worry, I'll still be an asshole. For you. middle finger emoji

Me

What the fuck is happening?

Tucker

Are you guys coming this weekend?

Me

Is WHO coming to WHAT?

Max

They're like one day into this Tucker, she probably isn't TELLING him what they're doing yet…

Tucker

Fair. We're going out this weekend. Hitting up Broadway. You should come.

Me

If Leah's there, I'm there.

Tank

*whipped GIF*

Me

middle finger emoji

"Iced mocha latte!" I slide my phone into my back pocket and grab the Bruman's cup from the counter, smiling at Clara before darting out the door.

Me

Mornin Dove.

Dove

Good morning to you. smile emoji

Me

Hey, what time do you usually head to work?

Dove

I should be leaving now but as luck would have it, I can't find my keys. melting face emoji

Me

Perfect.

Dove

Huh??

I pull up by her mailbox and throw my truck in park before rushing up the front porch stairs. Why the hell am I nervous?

I knock on the door and a few seconds later, it's swung open and everything in my mind goes quiet. How does she always look so damn beautiful?

"Mornin' Dove." I smile at her as a pleasant look of surprise washes over her face.

"Good morning to you," she repeats the same response she gave me over text. "What are you doing here?"

"Freezing my balls off if you don't invite me in." Normally the cold doesn't bother me. I mean, I do have a career where I spent most of my time on ice . However, it's a whopping twenty-eight degrees outside today with a breeze and my hair is still damp from my shower.

"Of course, come in!" She swings the door open wider, ushering me inside. As soon as it closes behind her and her coffee cup is safely on the entry table, I pull her body into mine. She lets out the cutest little gasp just before my lips land on hers and I can feel her smiling as she melts into me. I wrap her legs around my waist, not only because it settles our height difference, but because I need to have her as close to me as is physically possible. I place a few light kisses to her lips, one after another, and she lets out a content laugh.

"Since you're no longer freezing your balls off, what are you doing here?" My head falls back in laughter, planting her feet firmly on the ground again.

"I wanted to bring you some coffee before you head into a full day of handling kids that are still riding the Christmas high." I turn and grab her coffee cup from the table and present it to her. "Plus, I'll take any excuse to see my girl." I wink at her and the apples of her cheeks heat as she smiles up at me.

"Is there anything wrong with you? Like, at all?" She glares up at me.

"What do you mean?"

"You are like, frighteningly perfect. You do boring Sundays with me; you show up with coffee." She glances at the label and laughs. "My favorite coffee. You had no issue telling me exactly how you felt about me, no matter how many times I told you to leave me alone?—"

"Well, that was never gonna happen, so…" I shrug playfully, making her smile. But it only lasts a second before it falls along with her gaze as it drops to her feet.

"Do you do this for all the girls you date?"

"Of course not. This is all for you." I smile and brush a strand of hair behind her ear.

"How many people have you dated before?" She still won't meet my eye, and that fact along with the questions she's just asked me doesn't sit right with me.

"Define dated ." Her eyes snap up to mine and the urgency behind it worries me. "I never really dated anyone, but I did have my puck bunny phase just like every other college hockey player."

"So, you've just…" Her lips fall into a frown as she waves her hand around. "Oh, well hey, that's fantastic. For you, for them. For everyone really."

"Dove…" My brows knit together as she becomes slightly frantic, looking around the room.

"Shoot, look at the time, I really better go. Don't wanna be late."

"Dove?" I try getting her attention again, but she goes on ignoring me.

"Oh look! My keys." She grabs them out from behind a plant sitting on the table next to us and pulls her jacket and bag off the hooks on the walls.

"Leah!" My voice is as firm as I can make it without shouting trying to get her attention but her eyes just fall closed. "What is going on?" I plead with her to tell me.

"Sawyer, I really need to go. Can we talk later?" When she looks up at me again her eyes are glossy, and my heart physically aches to know what happened to put her in this state. I want to argue and say I won't leave here until I know what's wrong so I can fix it, but I know she really does need to leave now to get to work on time.

"Of course. Call me later?" It kills me to say, but I don't have a choice. She nods and reaches up to kiss my cheek, holding the door open for me to leave first.

I stay in my truck, watching her lock up and pull off down the road, all the while replaying our conversation over and over again.

What the hell did I say?

I just wanted to bring her coffee and see her before work, but I feel like I somehow ruined her day before it even had a chance to start.

My focus is complete shit the rest of the day. I went home and laid on my couch, staring at the ceiling replaying my morning until it was time for me to get up for practice.

"Wherever your head is, Clark, get it back on before tomorrow's game. You're a hell of a good defenseman but you played like shit today."

Tell me how you really feel, Coach.

"Will do."

"Everything good man?" Matty grabs his stuff from the locker next to mine.

"Yeah, just a little distracted." I check my phone again but still have no messages or missed calls from Leah. It's past five at this point so I know she's done at school.

"Would this have anything to do with that gorgeous new wallpaper of yours?" Matty smirks, nodding to my phone. It's face up with a picture of Leah and me from the other morning.

"Yeah. It'll be alright. I'll see you guys tomorrow." I stand and gather my things, not in the mood to discuss what's going on in my head with anyone but Leah.

I pull up to her house and park in the same spot I was in earlier, wearing the same exact thing I wore earlier because I've been unable to function like a normal human being ever since I left here this morning. When I notice her car isn't in the driveway I begin to worry.

It's nearing six o'clock and though I'm sure she could be out with the girls, at her parents' house, or literally doing anything else she wants—my brain only knows how to go straight to the worst-case scenario. Just as I'm grabbing my phone to call and check on her, she pulls into the driveway. I breathe a sigh of relief, but it's quickly followed by the same feeling of worry I've had all day that she may not even want me here.

Too fucking bad, cause here I am. And I'm not leaving until I know she's okay.

I hop out of my truck and run over to take the box she's just pulled from the back seat from her hands.

"Let me help with that." When she smiles up at me it instantly relieves some of the tension I'm holding in my shoulders.

"Thanks." She's quiet as we walk up to the front door, and all the way inside to the island. "You can just set that on the ground there." I do as she's asked and when I stand back to my full height she looks as nervous as I feel. Her arms are crossed over her chest as she avoids looking me in the eyes. All I want to do is pull her into me and fix whatever is wrong.

But I have to know what that is first.

She glances at the door and her brows draw together. "Have you been here all day?" That makes me laugh.

"No, I left shortly after you did." She nods in understanding. "I came back straight from practice because I didn't like how we left things this morning. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I test my luck and reach for her arms, and she lets them fall, allowing me the opportunity to take her hands in mine.

"So, are you? Okay?"

"Yeah." Her voice is small, like she's hiding from the question.

"Really? Because you practically threw me out the door this morning." I laugh, hoping to break some of the ice around us.

"I'm sorry. I just… I don't know how to do this, Sawyer." She runs her hands through her hair, putting distance between us again as she walks around the kitchen.

"Do what? Be with me?" When she finally stops on the other side of the island, she looks up at me, her face red and looking like she's on the verge of tears.

Shit, is that really it?

"Do you not want to be with me?" My heart is holding on by a thread waiting for her to answer. I'm not quite sure what I'll do if she says she doesn't.

Die, probably.

"Of course I want to be with you! I just… I don't know how to be with you because I've never been with anyone before." She rolls her eyes, swiping angrily at a tear that has fallen.

"That doesn't make sense to me, Dove. You were with Jackson— and for far too fucking long might I add." Saying his name instead of one of the many alternate things I've called him over the last three months is challenging enough, picturing her with him is pure torture.

"I've never been with anyone, Sawyer." Her words come out slower, more emphasized and I feel like a fucking idiot when it hits me. I close the massive distance between us—because fuck that right now—and stop only when I'm towering over her.

"You mean—" I stop myself briefly, ensuring I don't make her feel uncomfortable when I clarify. "Leah, are you still a virgin?"

"Yes, I'm still a virgin." My heart acts like a complete fool as feelings of joy, guilt and pure shock fight for dominance over the situation.

"Yesterday, when you came for me…" I glance over to the couch, then back at her. Her face turns a bright red and I know the answer before I even ask the question. "How far have you gone?"

"I only ever kissed someone. Until you." My heart feels like it's going to bust through my chest cavity and do a damn victory lap around the block. "So excuse me for being a little embarrassed by my inexperience since the guy I'm dating could probably fuck his way through every sorority house in Massachusetts if he wanted to." I struggle to hear anything past the fact that she's still a virgin.

Knowing that I'll be the first person to experience that with her sends an elation soaring through me that I don't care to contain. But I still hear the worry in her statement, and it makes me wonder if that's part of why she pulls back with me. Outside of what's happened in the past, when we do finally steal moments alone and it feels like things are going well, she clams up the moment any kind of spark passes between us. Until this morning, at least.

"Is that why you pull back with me sometimes? Because you're worried about your lack of experience?"

"Among other things…" she admits, letting her gaze fall once again to the floor.

"What other things?" She finally looks up at me, tipping her chin with a confidence I find wildly sexy on her.

"Honestly, Sawyer. I am scared you're going to leave me again. That if I let my guard down, you'll take what's left of my heart and leave me in pieces." Shit. "The fact that I won't compare to the other women you've shared your life with is just an added worry that joined the mix a mere twelve hours ago."

"I am the farthest thing from perfect, Dove, but I hope you know I will never stop trying to make up for the way I've hurt you in the past. I want to do boring Sundays with you— only you— and bring you your favorite coffee before work just so I can kiss you. I want to plan the perfect first date for us because if there's anything I want to get right in life, it's this. Us. I want all of it with you . No matter how many women I've been with in the past, I've not shared my life with any of them, because you are my life. You're the entire reason I traded to the Badgers and moved back to Nashville. Because I knew if there was even the slightest chance in hell you could be mine, I had to do whatever possible to make that happen. You are incomparable. Nobody is you, Leah, and nobody but you has ever had my heart. If anyone gets left in pieces this time, it'll be me, because the only way this ends is by you walking away. I told you I'm here to stay. You just have to let me in." She swallows hard and I watch her expression carefully. An unsureness still flickering in her eyes.

"You traded just to be with me ?"

"Of course I did." My brows pull together as if that question could only have one possible answer.

"You say so many beautiful things, sometimes it's hard to know if you're real or not." I pick her up and place her on the island beside us, taking her face in my hands before letting my lips crash into hers. My hands tangled in her hair and hers fist my shirt as our lips dance together like they were only ever supposed to be with each other. Her hands move to my chest, resting perfectly still over where my heart beats wildly in my chest—only for her.

"This is the realest thing I've ever felt in my life. The only thing I've ever been sure of. I want you to be mine, Leah. Completely, fearlessly mine."

"Then I'm yours, Sawyer. Completely and fearlessly."

"Atta girl."