23. Sawyer

CHAPTER 23

SAWYER

You'd think I was carrying one of the world's most precious artifacts in my hands the way I'm handling this book tonight. When it came in yesterday, I let out a sigh of relief that proved just how much pressure I'm feeling over making sure I give Leah a Christmas present she'll love. I'm still not sure she will love it. For all I know I heard her wrong that night and I've just gotten her a book she said she hated or would never dream of reading.

I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Taylor and Tucker are hosting Christmas Eve at their house tonight because, outside of my own place, theirs is the biggest. With our parents and Leah's here, it's very… cozy . I would have offered to host, but I pussied out over the simple fact that if Leah came into my house and left her scent anywhere and things between the two of us didn't work out the way I'm hoping they will—I would have to move.

And I actually quite like my house.

"Sawyer, you okay son? You look the same way you did before the puck-drop your first time in the playoffs." My dad puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a gentle shake.

Wow, am I really that transparent?

"I'm okay, Pops. Just hoping everyone likes their gifts." I hear him snort next to me and turn to face him.

"I didn't realize she'd turned into everyone ," he teases.

"Huh?" My brows pull together and I follow his gaze to the kitchen where Leah is pouring herself a glass of wine.

"The good ones always do feel like the only one." He gives me a wink just as my mom calls him over to where she's holding Poe by the fireplace.

They'd make the best grandparents.

I wonder if Tot will ever want to have kids?

"Okay, everyone! Find a spot and get comfy. Time to open presents!" Taylor singsongs as she claps her hands together, scooping Hendrix up in a bear hug before showing him where his pile of gifts are.

She'd be a great mom.

"Please tell me you got something other than that worm mug for her," Tank whispers, standing beside me at the back of the room. "I mean it's cute and all but if you're as crazy about her as you say you are—" I cut him off with a glare. "All I'm saying is… I hope she really likes coffee mugs." His arms come up in mock defense.

"I appreciate your concern with my gift buying abilities, brother. I got her something else though so you can relax a little." I can't help but laugh when he pretends to wipe his brow in relief.

"Boys, come sit," my sister demands.

Tank falls onto the couch next to Ruby and Hendrix and when I look around the room for a place to sit, as fate would have it, the only empty spot is right next to Leah on the floor. I take a subtle deep breath and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans before taking my place next to her.

I can see out of the corner of my eye the way her body stiffens ever so slightly, her eyes trained on anything else in the room but me.

That seems fair.

The last two times I saw her I was not shy in letting her know how I feel about her—going as far as telling her she should dump the guy she's currently seeing to be with me. I'm not sure how aggressive Tucker meant for me to be when saying I should get in the way, but I feel as though it's safe to say I fully committed to the assignment.

I don't regret it, nor have my feelings changed on the matter, but I can still understand why I may not be her favorite person at the moment.

That's fine with me though. I'm still going to push every button of hers I have access to until she finally breaks and gives me a chance. I wonder if she listened to my advice and lost the librarian yet?

Gosh I missed having big Christmases.

Looking around the room and seeing it filled from corner to corner with our friends and family just gives me that warm feeling in my chest that should accompany the holidays. For the last decade I've felt a little empty during Christmas. While traveling for games, Taylor not making it back home as often, and JJ and Blaire being on the road constantly, we haven't had a Christmas like this since?—

"This one's for you," Leah says softly, handing me a green and red wrapped present.

The warm feeling that was in my chest just moments ago fades into a dull sadness as I lock eyes with her. Those hypnotic green eyes that I could stare at until I find every shade of green painted in them that makes them pop the way they do. Because it reminds me that the last time we had a holiday gathering this big, was the Christmas after I ruined us.

The smile I had grown so fond of never appeared on her face that year—not in regards to me, anyway—and I think that's what broke me. I knew I'd messed up more than I ever thought possible, and she wasn't inclined even the least bit to hear me out when I tried to apologize.

"Hey, you okay?" The cool brush of her fingertips on the back of my hand has me snapping out of my blast to the past. I look down where my hand is palm down on the floor with her pinky resting over mine and before she can move her hand I lock our small fingers together.

"I'm working on it," I admit honestly. Her cheeks flush and she gives me a small nod, extending the gift she has been trying to hand me. She clears her throat, and her cheeks grow an even darker shade of red.

"This one is from me." My heart begins beating faster, my eyes snapping up to hers once more.

She actually got me something? I thought she still hated me?

The box is one of the smallest I've ever seen but that doesn't change the excitement I'm feeling over knowing she thought of me. When I open the box, my heart damn near explodes. Because there's a keychain of a hockey stick with pink tape around the blade and the number thirteen etched at the top.

"You made this for me?"

"I mean I didn't make it, but I designed it, and had it made," she giggles. She has no idea what this means to me, and I love her even more because of it.

"Thank you, Dove. I love it." She smiles and turns to the rest of the boisterous room as people continue opening their gifts, and when I see that Leah has opened all of hers, I pull the simply wrapped package from behind me and hand it to her.

"Psst, Leah." Her head whips around, her curls bouncing when they come to a stop. "This one is from me." The look on her face takes me by surprise.

"You got me a present?"

I match her shocked tone. "You thought I wouldn't?"

She gives me a curious glare then takes the package from my hands.

"Uh, be careful, here…pull it from right here." I reach over and find the loose portion of wrapping paper for her to tear from—not wanting her to start ripping and tear the cover. I look up to see her smiling at me and my heart skips a beat.

"Thanks." When the paper is off and she flips the book around, she looks as though she's seen a ghost.

Her features fall and her mouth pops open but before she can say anything Lauren yells, "What did you get?" causing her to turn her focus on the rest of the room.

"Loving Romeo." All the girls stop and look at her.

"From who ?" Shane squeals excitedly. Leah simply turns to face me, and all the girls follow.

"Sawyer." I know she's simply answering the question asked, but hearing my name on her lips will never not be my kryptonite. No matter the reason it's there.

"Yeah, well I thought I heard you talking about that author when we were all at Spurs that one night, and I remember how much you used to love watching Rocky with your dad so I just thought it might be a good choice. She had a lot of books to choose from, so I just took a shot in the dark." I shrug, trying to let her know it wasn't a big deal. It is just a book after all. Even though I couldn't find it in stores it isn't like I had to scour the earth to find it or anything.

She stares at me blankly for another moment then, without a word, she stands up and walks away, taking the book with her. Either she's going to throw it away because it's from me or she loves it so much she… I don't know? Needs a moment alone with it? Taylor must see the concern written on my face because she chimes in as the rest of the group goes about opening their gifts and chatting.

"I'm sure she loves it, Moose. You know how she is about books. You did good." She gives me an encouraging smile, but I still get up to check on Leah for myself anyways.

When I walk into the kitchen she's standing in front of the large bay windows, looking down as her fingers trail over a page of the book. I shove my hands into my jean pockets nervously and take a few more steps in her direction.

"I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted. Or if it's something you already have. I wasn't sure which?—"

"You really just overheard me mention this author's name at dinner and found the book you thought I would want most of hers?" She looks up from the page and our eyes lock.

"I mean…yeah."

"She literally has so many books out, and you just randomly chose this one?"

"Yeah, Dove. Look, it's just a damn book. If you hate it I can just get you something else—" Again, she cuts me off mid-sentence.

"But it's not just a book, Sawyer. It may sound stupid to you, but it's just another reminder of how well you know me. Even after…" She closes her eyes and lets out a sigh, the same way she always has when she's sad, and I can't help but gravitate towards her. I take a chance and place my finger under her chin to get her to look at me. Surprisingly she doesn't swat my hand away. Her eyes open and lock with mine, and like it does every time Leah looks at me, my heart stops.

"It doesn't sound stupid to me. You have no idea just how good it is to hear I still know you. Even if only a little bit."

"Why?" she whispers.

"Because there's no one else in the world I want to know more than you, Dove. Do you really not care to know me anymore?" The pain in my voice shocks me. I haven't let myself play out the scenario in which Leah wants nothing to do with me anymore. Because the pain that would come with that would be crippling.

"I'm still dating Jackson." She visibly swallows and drops her gaze. I can't help but pick up on the hint of remorse in her voice when she says his name or the involuntary rage that begins bubbling up in my chest at the mention of them being together—but I do my best to push that down.

"I didn't ask if you were with him. I asked if you want to know me , Leah. Aren't you even the least bit curious to know why I left the way I did? Why I ruined the only friendship that ever meant anything to me? Why I was stupid enough to let the girl I was crazy about slip away from me?" Her eyes snap back up to mine, her pupils flaring as her breath catches.

"What?"

" That's my truth, Dove. I was so completely crazy about you; I wanted you in ways I never should have. And I knew I couldn't risk your friendship with Taylor if I fucked things up between us by telling you. So, I left. I tried to forget about you, but the reality is—I haven't gone a single fucking day without wishing you were mine." I take her face in my hands, knowing she just told me mere moments ago she's still with someone else, but fuck I just don't care anymore. I wanted her to be the one to break but it looks like it's going to be me that breaks after all.

"Sawyer, what are you doing?" Her breaths are short and fast. I press my forehead to hers, my jaw set tight as my need for her finally wins.

"I'm not walking away this time." When my lips finally land on hers, it feels like coming home. I know within the first few seconds that I'll never be the same without her. Her hands land on my sides, and when I dip my tongue into her mouth to deepen our kiss, she lets out the tiniest moan and fists my shirt.

My mind is suddenly clear of anything but her.

In this moment there's nothing but us.

Until someone clears their throat behind us.

Leah rips herself away from me like she's on fire and I can't help but feel as though some kind of instant karma is about to play out.

"Um… Jackson's here."

Yup. That sounds about right.

When Tucker takes a step to the side and Jackson pops out from behind the wall, I look down to see Leah's face has turned completely white.

"Surprise!"

Fuck.