14. Sawyer

CHAPTER 14

SAWYER

There are plenty of moments in my life when I regret the decisions I make. The mohawk I tried to get away with my freshman year of high school, not telling Leah how I felt about her, then telling Leah—even if it was vaguely—how I felt about her during Thanksgiving, are all things I regret.

However, telling Jackson the woman stealer to keep his hands off my girl, is not one of them. I've been waiting for Leah to come to one of my games since I started playing this season, and when I saw her here tonight—I had never felt so excited.

Seeing her in the stands with a sweater on, that was a perfect match for the color of my jersey, with her curls framing her gorgeous face when she smiled and jeans that hugged her in all the right places. She was in her most natural state—which has always been my favorite look on her—and she was absolutely breathtaking. I was already planning out what I was going to say when I found her after the game—then that god forsaken kiss cam found her first and I had a front row seat to the harsh reality that she still isn't mine.

I could have jumped into the stands and ripped his arms off after he pulled her in for that kiss. My heart twisted and my mind spiraled and I remembered I have only myself to blame for the position we're in.

But I am done waiting around for the right moment to tell her how I feel. This shit is getting old and I'm tired of playing the waiting game. So tonight, instead of looking for Taylor and Shane like I do after every game, I head straight out the back doors to my truck.

I'm going to get my girl, and there's nothing that's going to stop me this time.

Except maybe her not being home.

When I pull up to the curb, I notice her car isn't in the driveway, the porch light is on but none of the other lights in the house are. I hop out of the truck and run up the steps and knock on the door.

Nothing.

I knock again, going as far as peeking through the window behind the rocking chairs to see if I can catch any movement.

I swear to God if she went home with that guy.

I jog back to my truck, my face growing hotter by the second as I picture her with him. His hands on her perfect body, her hair on his pillow, her lips around his?—

Fuck! Why have I been waiting around like an idiot to talk to her while she's out here falling in love with some other dude?

I pick up my phone and dial Tank's number before pulling off towards my next destination.

"Hello?" The genuine confusion in his tone makes me do a double take that I've dialed the right number.

"Tank, It's Sawyer." I can hear him laugh immediately when I identify myself.

"Yeah, man, I know. I have your number saved. I'm just not used to getting phone calls. Everything okay?"

"Not fucking really. I think Leah went home with that guy, Jason."

"You mean Jackson?" he corrects.

"I literally could not care less what his name is right now." I hear him snicker but I'm too distracted to say anything about it. "She's not at home and I think I may have pissed her off so badly that she went home with him."

"Well Leah never struck me as the type to go have revenge sex, maybe she just wanted to go home with him. What the hell did you do, exactly?" My teeth grind together with immense force when I hear him suggest Leah having any kind of sex with someone that isn't me.

"Can you just… I don't know, talk me down or something. Because I'm about to pull some real crazy shit and hunt this guy's address down to find her."

"Well now don't do that…yet. You never told me what you did that you think pissed her off so bad to begin with." I let out a defeated sigh, knowing just how insane this makes me sound.

"I may or may not have seen them kiss on the Jumbotron at the game tonight."

"Oh?"

"And may or may not have threatened him afterwards because of it." Silence fills my truck as I wait for Tank's response.

"Tank?"

"Hold on. I'm trying to think of all the wild shit me, Tucker, and Max have done for our girls to see if this tops any of them."

"You almost murdered my ex in a motel room. I think you'll always win, babe." I hear Ruby's voice float into the receiver and my eyes almost bulge out of their sockets.

"Thank you for the reminder, Honey." Tank's voice is more distant, like he's holding the phone away from his mouth.

"Jesus, dude. At least I know I called the right person."

"So why did you need to find her? To apologize, break the guy's nose, or finally tell her how you feel?" I hear Ruby gasp in the background, and I scrub a hand over my face with a laugh.

"All of the above?"

"Why don't you try to blow off some steam first. If you still feel like you need to hunt him down after that give me another call and we'll find the unlucky son of a bitch together."

"Thanks man. I'm about to do just that." I hang up the phone and throw my truck into park before rushing the sidewalk to my sister's house.

I knock on the door and roll my neck as I pace back and forth on the front porch, waiting for someone to answer. When the door opens my sister's eyes grow wide when she takes me in.

"Sawyer, what are you doing here? No more innocent bystanders to threaten?" The sarcasm in her tone that I usually retaliate from with a jab of my own, rubs me in all the wrong ways tonight.

"Taylor, not now. Do you know where Leah is?"

"Are you serious, Moose? She's probably at home, or at Jacksons if you didn't scare him off after that shit you pulled tonight."

" Fuck!" I yell, making her roll her eyes. If there's one person used to seeing my temper, it's Taylor. She's been on the sidelines during some of my most heated moments on the ice and has become completely unphased by me getting worked up like this.

"Haven't you done enough already? Just leave her alone, Sawyer," she says quietly, almost pleading in a way.

I've always had a soft spot for Taylor—she is my little sister after all—my Tator Tot, and I've protected her, stood up for her, and been best friends with her for her entire life. But I'm done backing down just because she thinks she knows best.

"Don't fucking start with that bullshit. You do realize that you're the reason shit is the way it is with me and Leah, don't you?"

" Me? What the hell do I have to do with this?" she squeals, the look of shock on her face making me furious.

"Is that how you're gonna play it then? Pretend like you have no idea what part you played in me disappearing from Leah's life and making her hate me for ten . Fucking. Years!" I yell, watching as the color drains from Taylor's face.

"Sawyer, I'm serious. I don't know what I did. Please tell me." I run my hands through my hair, pulling on the wavy strands before letting out a manic laugh.

"The senior Halloween party? You basically threatened to hate me forever if I ruined your friendship with Leah, if I tried anything with her."

"Sawyer, I was drunk off my ass at that party! I did like six shots within the first fifteen minutes of being there, I don't remember saying any of that! I barely remember you even being there that night."

"Don't lie to me just to save your own ass now." I stop and glare at her, coming to the slow realization that she really didn't know.

"I'm not lying! " Tears start filling her eyes and I start to believe that ten years' worth of pining, regret and wishing I could have a do-over of that night, were all the result of a drunken comment she doesn't even remember making.

"You liked Leah?" She sounds so surprised. I don't know how she couldn't see it though; I hardly ever took my eyes off her.

"She was one of my best friends, Taylor! The way I felt about her was unlike anything I've ever felt for another person. I knew if given the chance I could have really…" I stop myself before the rest of that sentence slips out, because Taylor isn't the one I want to be saying this to. "But instead, I was too scared of ruining your friendship—and mine—with her if she didn't feel the same. So, I just disappeared instead. I stood her up, I stopped answering her calls and texts… I stopped being me for her, and she's hated me ever since."

"But why? Why would you stop talking to her? Why not just stay friends with her?" Taylor shakes her head, panicking as she realizes the magnitude of why Leah and I have been less than friendly all these years.

"Because being friends with her and nothing more would have killed me. Because I knew eventually, I would cross that line, and if she didn't feel the same—if it didn't work out—you would have been right. Drunk or not, you made it clear that we might lose her if I went there. Because at least the decision I did make, let you keep your best friend. Even if I lost mine."

"Sawyer," Taylor chokes out, with tears spilling from her eyes.

I've always hated seeing my sister cry. I was the first one asking who I needed to beat up whenever she was upset back in the day. I still don't like it now that I'm the reason for her tears, but tonight's conversation was a necessary evil. Something that was long past due.

"We're adults now, Taylor. It's not a crush that I'm unsure about, I've thought of nothing but her for ten years, while she went on hating me. I'm done worrying about losing her friendship—because I haven't had it since that night. I trust you two will be fine regardless of how she responds to my feelings. The next time I see her, I'm telling her how I feel." I turn to walk away, my heart hammering behind my chest as I fight the urge to still track down this asshole's house and find her.

"Sawyer!" Taylor's voice cracks as she calls after me. I turn around to see her still crying in the doorway and sigh. "Are we good?"

Taylor and I have never been in a serious fight. Sibling disagreements, bickering, and fighting over who got the remote first, sure. But nothing as serious as what we discussed tonight. I know she's not the one to blame, her comment may have prompted my decisions, but she really isn't as involved in this as I've always made her out to be.

"We're good, Tot. Just—don't say anything to her if you see her before I do. She needs to hear this from me." I nod, watching as her lips roll together to let a tear finish rolling down her cheek. She nods back quickly and dips back inside.

Between the adrenaline that's been pumping through my veins and the high from winning the game tonight, I'm absolutely beat. I may not be tracking Leah down tonight, but the next time I see her—the next conversation I have with her—is going to determine the rest of my future.