Chapter 48

Chapter Forty-Eight

VLAD

I don't remember a time in my life when I've prayed. As I sit on the hard wooden bench around people in varying stages of grief, the urge to believe in a higher power is under my skin. If there's something in control of life it can be reasoned with, a deal can be made.

My hands don't come together, I don't bow my head. Every part of my body is limp as I sit in the pew having a one-sided conversation with an entity I don't believe in and if it is real, it has done more damage to me than any enemy possibly could.

‘ You took her from me. I've spent her entire life mourning someone that was alive and visiting the grave of a child who isn't mine. A child who has no one but still fucking comforted me.

Save her, save my Vanya. Or I'll become a fucking Saint just to come up there and turn heaven into hell. I'll spend the rest of my life being kind or fucking charitable, solve world peace just to kill everything once I'm past those fucking gates.

Take Dima instead, he's useless, and it will solve a problem. But stay the fuck away from my daughter. She's been given a horrific life because we both failed. You didn't protect her or allow me to so now is your chance. You save her, kill someone else or hundreds. But you will not make me bury my daughter a second fucking time.

You owe me. And you owe her.'

When Anika said Len knew where Vanya was, she meant it. She wasn't talking about a patch of fucking earth. I didn't even look for her, I didn't recognize my own baby, and she's been right in front of me for years. I killed that bitch too soon and all my patience was gone in a moment. All I had to do was fucking wait and I'd know my daughter was still here, I'd have her.

Fingers entwine themselves with mine, three squeezes, and Inessa doesn't say anything as she sits beside me. My Vanya is in limbo, I can't sit there waiting for a doctor to come out and tell me she's gone. Or see everyone choke on their questions. My solnyshkuh who would always smile is alive, but she's been through too many deaths. She doesn't even know her age, or her birthday because they fed her lies and made her believe she wasn't fucking loved.

Kissing the top of Inessa's head, I force words out of my sore throat.

"Go home, meelaya, Verena will want one of us."

The stubborn woman doesn't move and holds my hand tighter as she sniffles. "Dani's with her, they're painting."

One daughter paints while the other bleeds out. They should both be fucking safe and protected, the type of sheltered that makes them unbearable to be around and spoilt brats, demanding the world.

Guilt is a new feeling, but it hasn't left since finding out Ana is Vanya, all of the fucked up shit I said to her. Held a fucking knife to her throat and hitting my own kid. Everything I promised her I wouldn't be the very first time I held her.

Dragging footsteps move closer and I hate the cunt. He should have fucking died, the useless prick let himself be drugged twice. I don't have any sympathy over the fact he took eight bullets, it's disappointment that they didn't fucking kill him. Dima swaps places with Inessa and his heartbreak means fuck all to me.

"She's out of surgery, they said it went well."

My jaw and fists clench, only focusing on my anger.

"You don't deserve her."

No one does. She's the perfect person, too good for anyone.

He doesn't argue anything different and I fucking hate that I respect it. Fucking dick. This is all his fault.

"I don't," he admits, "but I'll spend my life trying to."

"Fuck you," I spit and the fuckers scattered in the pews all cast their judgement like I'm offending their God when it's their God who offended me first.

I let Dima into my family, he was family. I gave him everything with only one fucking rule, to protect them all. But he's failed, everyone has fucking failed.And the biggest failure rests on my shoulders because I buried a child that wasn't mine, I didn't recognize my own daughter, I hurt my own daughter, for years.

I mechanically stand and follow the disgusting green fuzzy carpet out of the hospital church to the room that my daughter will be laying in. No one meets my eyes and my skin itches from the blood drying. But I keep walking until I enter the empty ward and I'm sat at her bedside. The gauze and dressing covers the full expanse of her neck and I rest my chin on the pillow beside her ear as I sink to my knees with my hand gently stroking over her crown. The same pleas I said to her years ago are repeated as I stare at her lashes, waiting for them to open.

"Open your eyes. Please, Vanya."

There's no flutter, just the beep of the monitor showing her heart is beating.

"I can't lose you again, you don't have to do anything, just open your eyes. I've missed you so much and you can't leave me again. I never got to give you your birthday present or your cake."

I hum bayu bayushki and kiss her cheek. My Vanya is grown up, I spent her life not knowing and she's grown up collecting scars. The doors open and I don't stop calling her back to me as I pull out the gun from my waistband and point in the direction of the fucker trying to take her away from me. It slams instantly and I don't drop my hand.

"You didn't listen before because that wasn't you, but you'll listen now, won't you? You were such a good baby, you'd always listen when I'd tell you to eat. Now, you'll listen again."

Her hair isn't as soft anymore but it's my Vanya, my solnyshkuh and my voice cracks.

"I love you. I'll still never hear you call me papa, but I love you and I'll give you everything you want. Just open your eyes for me. My beautiful baby, my happy baby, who always smiled at me."

The door opens a crack and Inessa's voice floats through, making me lower my arm holding the gun.

"Vlad?"

She walks in once the gun isn't aimed at her, and slowly comes to my side as I stare at Vanya's lashes, waiting for them to open. Dropping down to her haunches beside me, she flattens her hand on my back and softly whispers, "Put the gun down, lapachka, you're scaring people."

"They can't take her." I don't blink in case she disappears. "I've just got her back."

Her voice is coaxing as she strokes my back. "No one will take her, I promise. Why don't you let Dima sit with her while you get the blood off you?"

"She'll be blue again."

Her skin is already paler, and I kiss her cheek, feeling her temperature. Inessa's voice gets lower, tears clinging to the sound as she hugs me and pries the gun out of my hand.

"The window is closed, I promise no one will open it. Come on, lapachka, you don't want Vanya to see you covered in blood when she wakes up."

"Open your eyes, solnyshkuh, I'll get you a new papa, just open your eyes and smile at me again."

My wife takes in a shaky breath and has more strength than I do even though she's carrying our child.

"Come on, Dima won't let anyone hurt her."

She manages to get me to my feet and disgust coats my voice at that motherfucker being anywhere near my daughter.

"No, he doesn't deserve her. He allowed her to be taken, he's weak."

There's an edge to her voice despite the softness in it as she attempts to correct me.

"Vlad, he loves her. He's breaking alone and staying out of this room because of you. He doesn't want to hurt either of you, but he loves her, and he deserves to sit with her."

I don't look away from Vanya as I refuse. "I'm not leaving."

Inessa nods and presses her lips to my jaw. "Okay, he can sit with you too. You can keep each other company until Vanya wakes up."