Chapter 19

I sit on the couch for a long time, head in my hands, after I tuck Mara into her bed. She passed out on the floor of her washroom after murmuring to herself for a long time. Her words, her fear of me, are like knives in my skull.

I miscalculated so badly. Dread, fear, and worry are weights pressing on my chest until I can barely breathe.

I thought I'd been obsessed with Mara in the lab because I hated her and everything she represented about my imprisonment. I thought I didn't leave her behind in the jungle because I wanted to punish her. I thought I'd been searching for her for months because she was alone in the universe, and I felt guilty and wanted to make sure she was okay.

But it's none of those things.

Mara is my mate.

I knew it the moment she opened the door and I saw the shape of her, large with my child, and I inhaled the mouthwatering aroma of our two scents combined—her delicate waterdyas laced with a heavier richness. It hit me like a bolt to the heart. My mate.

Digging the heels of my hands into my eyes, I fight the urge to go to her, to check on her. She's my mate, and she hates me. She's frightened of me.

Of course she is. I was a brute.

I almost can't believe I found her. If Orix and I hadn't reconnected and exchanged messages about what happened on Geshan X, he never would have sent me that photo of his Terran mate. A photo also containing Mara.

The universe brought us together again for a reason. I'm meant to be here, by my mate's side as she carries our child. It doesn't matter if the child was created through violence. It's still a piece of me and a piece of Mara. While I know it was solely Mara's choice on whether or not to keep it, I'm fiercely happy she did. It's a tie between us that won't be easy for her to sever.

And I'm going to need every tool at my disposal to win her heart. Because, yes, I'm determined to win it. I'm determined to make her mine, to earn her smiles, to watch her face brighten at the sight of me instead of dim with fear.

For my entire life, I've associated fated matings with weakness—my mother's weakness at the loss of my father harmed me in my childhood. I never wanted to face that same weakness in myself. Or to consider a mate hurting my future child in the same way I was hurt.

It was a guiding principle of my life. I would be enough for myself alone.

But now, the knowledge that Mara is my mate doesn't instill me with fear. It fills me with strength. It's a lodestone around which I know I can build a future. If something happened to me, she would survive. She's a survivor, and she'll teach our son to survive.

She'll do whatever it takes to make a place of safety for herself and her child. She's more than proven she's stronger than I am.

This information—this insight—currently rocking my world makes it hard to sit here in the dark and wait. But I must. If I scare Mara into flight again, she might go to where I'll never find her. I need to woo her. I will go down on my knees and grovel if I must. Anything to earn her forgiveness.

And fear bites into my chest at the other implications. If I don't win her love, I'll die.

She's my soul's mate, which makes me an unbonded Kral male. The longer I'm in her presence without a reciprocal connection from her, the more my Wrath will fill my veins with toxin. Until it drives me mad.

I don't know how long I have before I start to deteriorate. I need a plan.

Deep into the night, while Mara sleeps, I plot. She's happy on this remote colony. I talked to Orix a long time about the orphanage and the medical clinic where a lot of the Terran females work. There's a whole community of them, and they're safe. Mara will want to stay, which means I'll need to move my life here, too.

It's simple enough to comm a neighbor on Hofterin and arrange for my stuff to be shipped to me. I don't need a new job; I have plenty of Federal silvers saved from my busy espionage career. But I don't want to lounge all day either, so I comm Orix and let him know I'm looking for work.

It's late, but not too late, when he comms me back to say the arena where he's a paladin instructor is always hiring. We set up a time for me to swing by in the morning.

I need a place to live, but if I successfully woo Mara into my arms, it should be a place we choose together, so I table that thought for now. I will continue to stay at my current rental lodging in town. I lean back on the couch, crossing my arms behind my horns, and look around the apartment.

It has only one bedroom, but the cooking area is nice-sized. There's a long counter for meal prep and a state-of-the-art food processor. The walls are bare of decoration, but she hasn't lived here long, so that's not surprising. It smells of our combined scents, which I love.

Inhaling deeply, I sink lower into the cushions. My eyelids grow heavy. My mate. I never expected to find myself in this situation. I saw what the loss of my father did to my mother, and I never sought out the same kind of love match for myself. But the connection is undeniable. Unavoidable.

I don't love Mara yet. I don't even know her. But my soul is hers.

And she's still pregnant. She kept the baby. That has to be a sign she doesn't completely loathe me?

I remember the hot press of her mouth against mine, her eager pliancy by the river. She's attracted to me, at least. Or was, once upon a time.

A muffled sound comes from Mara's room. I'm alert and on my feet in a moment. Another soft cry drifts down the hall.

She's asleep on the bed but obviously having a nightmare, probably due to her recent fright at my reappearance. Guilt sours in my stomach as I listen to another low moan.

I don't want to rouse her. She needs her rest. But she's going to wake herself if she doesn't come out of her dream.

Kneeling, I stroke my fingertips through her hair and make a shushing noise. She quiets for a second, then curls toward me. The sheet drops to her hips, showing me the round shape of her stomach. I can't stop myself from leaning forward and cradling it with both hands.

Her skin is warm under my fingertips. Something like awe moves through me as I feel the baby kick. I stay crouched for a long time, listening to Mara's soft exhales, feeling the life stir inside of her. The room is dark and still around us, the night pressing against me until I give into the peace and rest my head on the bed beside my mate.

Iwake in the morning long before Mara and slip from her room. There's a crick in my neck and my knees are raw, but I can't hold back my grin. I held my mate while she slept.

My grin falls though, when I acknowledge that if she'd known I was in the room with her, she wouldn't have slept at all. Lyfia's Blood, that hurts. I rub my chest hard and promise myself, one day.

In the cooking area, I investigate the contents of the cold storage unit and then make breakfast. I'm a decent cook, though I don't often have the opportunity. I'm aware pregnant females sometimes have sensitive stomachs, so I make mildly seasoned noodles with a side of fresh citrus fruit. I don't know what kind of fruit it is, probably something native to Lustra, but when I peel back its knobby, green skin, the flesh inside is soft and tastes both sweet and sour at the same time.

I'll stop by the market after I meet with Orix later and buy some more fresh produce and proteins. Protein is very important for pregnant females. Making a mental list of meals I can try to replicate with local ingredients, it takes a long moment to realize Mara is leaning against the wall, watching me.

Again, the sight of her, her cheeks glowing with health, settles an urgent need inside of me. I don't focus on her wary eyes or clenched fists, instead studying her bare toes. They're . . . adorable, with tiny pink nails.

"Why are you staring at my feet?"

Quickly, I school my fascinated expression and look away. Ignoring her question, I gesture at the breakfast I prepared. "Are you hungry?"

She bites her lip, obviously tempted but unwilling to approach. I move to the living area and say, "I'm not here to hurt you. I swear. Please, eat."

It's hard to resist the urge to take her in my arms, to inhale our mixed scents at her nape. My primitive instincts say she's mine, and I'm ready for the rest of our lives together to begin immediately. But she's not ready. She has no idea of my feelings.

Pride fills me when she takes her first bite, and I smother a soft growl. Instead, I close my eyes and lean back on the couch, waiting for her to finish.

I need to leave soon to meet Orix, but I want to talk to Mara for a while first. I want to at least begin the process of atoning. I want her to stop fearing me.

"You're not eating?" she eventually asks.

"When you're done, I'll eat."

She doesn't say anything in response to that. But after a few more minutes, I hear the sound of the bowl scraping on the counter and sit up to look over at her. Her cheeks are pink, but her chin is set at a determined angle. I brace.

"Thanks for making breakfast, but now I'd like you to leave. You're not here to hurt me, fine. But you're still not welcome."

I stand, frowning when she steps warily back from the counter. "I apologize for what I did to you in the jungle when I tied you up. Some of my memories from the lab are disjointed. I experienced a flashback, and I reacted poorly."

Sympathy softens the tight lines around her mouth, but she shakes her head. "I almost died."

A memory of the gnaar's coiled tail, the scent and sight of Mara's blood, hits me. Wrath starts to simmer in my veins until I ruthlessly suppress it. She's not under attack anymore.

"I remember," I say, disliking my snarling tone but unable to correct it. "I killed the gnaar. And I carried your broken body out of the jungle. It took all night and all day."

"Thank you for saving me after your actions put me in danger," she fires back.

I shake my head, trying to find the words I need to convince her I'm not a threat. "Aezok put you in danger. The smugglers who stole you from your planet put you in danger. You never would have made it out of that lab without me."

She reddens and opens her mouth, but I keep going.

"Yes, I did a violent thing, and I regret it enormously. I regretted it almost as soon as I did it and returned to where I left you, but you'd already gone. I tracked you for hours, worried that my actions would end up getting you hurt."

I drop my head, rubbing the back of my neck with a shaking hand. "I'm sorry, Mara. I didn't know you were as much a prisoner as I was. I would have done so many things differently . . ." I trail off, imagining where we'd be if I'd figured it all out sooner, if I could have broken us both out, and prevented the forced impregnation. I feel sick at the thought.

Her voice small, Mara asks, "You're really not here to turn me into the police?"

"I won't do anything to hurt you. To hurt our baby. I want to be a part of your life."

She blinks rapidly, visibly chewing the inside of her cheek before she squeaks, "Like, a family?"

I walk slowly forward until I'm standing next to her, her upturned face showing both confusion and wonder. The pulse in her throat is rapid, but she's not flinching away from me. I'm so much taller than her, it arouses deeper protective instincts than I knew I possessed. I want to shelter her in my arms at the same time I want to lift her so our faces are even, and then kiss her with all of the desperate need building in my chest.

Instead, I hold out my hand, and hold my breath. She stares at my empty palm for several long moments before slipping her slim fingers in mine. The contrast in our skin tones is beautiful. I squeeze gently and then step away.

Clearing the thickness from my throat, I murmur, "Yes. That's what I want. I'm drawn to you, Mara. Even when I thought you were my enemy, I wanted you."

The red in her cheeks turns scarlet.

"What happened to the two of us in that lab was horrific. But there can be a bright side. A future happiness. I want the chance to reach for it."

She shivers, whispering, "The things I did . . ."

"To survive. You were just trying to make it through to the next day, and the next. I would never judge you for doing what you had to do to live another day. With every fiber of my being, I want you to fight to live. Always fight, Mara."

Wrapping her arms around her waist, she turns away from me and shakes her head.

I don't want to force her into a decision right now, so I back off. There's time enough for us to come to know each other, for her to share details of her trauma on her own terms.

I step to the door and say, "I'm going to meet Orix about a job. I'd like to come back later to have dinner with you. I'll cook."

She's still facing away from me, her shoulders hunched, but I catch her small nod. It's enough for me to leave with a smile on my face. It's not much, but it's a beginning.