Chapter 19 - Oleg

I have been struggling the last few days with Raisa.

It seems that no matter what I try, she hardly even wants to speak to me.

She goes into the sunroom, closes the door, and doesn’t come out except to eat a little and then go to bed.

I knew her studies would be difficult, a definite challenge, but I feel like she is drifting away from me.

I can’t figure out exactly what is wrong or how I can help her.

Walking up the stairs carrying two cups of coffee, I want to try and talk to her again. I’ve tried before and she was extremely cold towards me, but I am going to keep trying until I get through to her.

The truth is that I miss her.

Even between her studies, she was usually smiling and relaxed, but things are different now.

I knock once on the sunroom door, then push it open with my foot, carrying the coffee inside.

Raisa has her head bent over her textbooks, a pen in her hand as she takes notes.

I put the coffee on her desk and wait for her acknowledge me in some way.

She doesn’t. It’s like I’m not there at all.

“Raisa,” I say gently.

“What?” she snaps back without looking up.

“Can we talk?”

She drops her pen, clearly agitated. “Why?” she says, spinning her chair to glare at me with the same fierceness that has been in her eyes for the past few days.

“I wanted to check in with you—to see how you are doing?”

“I’m perfectly fine. Thank you. Was that all?” she says abruptly.

“Are you sure, though? You seem—“

“Oleg, is this going to take long? I have a lot to do here.” She gestures over her textbooks.

“No, sorry for interrupting,” I say, disappointed that I still have not managed to get through to her. “Enjoy your coffee,” I say, turning away, wishing she would call me back or say something more. But she doesn’t.

I think her studies are stressing her out. I paged through her textbooks the other night and what she is learning is really intense.

It must be exhausting. I don’t really blame her for being so stressed out.

I just need to show her that I am here for her and will support her through this.

I ask one of the guards to keep an eye on Raisa while I head into town.

She is joining me for dinner tonight at home and I think I should get her a little gift; to show her I’m thinking of her. I saw a gorgeous pendant the other day that immediately made me think of her, I just haven’t had the time to get there and get it for her.

A rose for Raisa, her namesake.

Standing at the jewelry store, I hold the ruby rose pendant in my hand.

“It’s perfect,” I say, admiring the glistening red stone.

“This and the bracelet please.” I gesture towards the matching bracelet, made up of a row of roses, all shining in beautiful rich reds.

I carry the gift back out to the car, then drive to the local flower market to select the freshest red roses for her.

This is sure to bring a smile to her face.

I feel myself getting excited for dinner tonight, because I am sure I will get my Raisa back. My little flower.

I really have been missing her laughter.

Because Raisa agreed to join me for dinner this evening, I have asked the chef to make his version of fish and chips. He has chosen to make salmon and roast potatoes—which I think is perfect. It’s just the gesture and thought behind it that I was aiming for.

I am already seated in the dining room when Raisa walks in, looking tired and a little miserable. She glances at the red roses on the table, but the only reaction I note is that she bites her lower lip and knots her brows together, looking away from the flowers as though they have upset her.

“Hi gorgeous, did you get your studies done that you wanted to finish today?” I ask, trying not to be hurt by her reaction.

She pulls out her chair and sits down opposite me. “I did.”

“Would you like a little champagne with dinner?” I ask, standing up to reach for the bottle.

“Sure,” she says, sounds uninterested in everything.

I walk around the table and stand behind her to pour a glass.

She doesn’t move or reach out to me at all.

I am disappointed, but it’s ok, because I’m sure she will smile when she sees the beautiful gift I got for her.

Leaning over her, I place the velvet gift box in front of her, then run my hand over her neck. “I saw this and thought of you right away. It’s as though it was always meant to be yours.” I smile, letting my hand stay on her back, feeling her warmth beneath my touch.

She seems to tense slightly, reaching towards the box.

“You shouldn’t have,” she mutters.

“Go ahead and open it.”

She sighs softly, then flips the lid open. I sit down next to her, wanting to see her smile—but my heart sinks when I see her expression.

Her eyes are shining as though she wants to cry.

I stand up again, unsure wof hat could be wrong.

I take the necklace out of the box. “Hold your hair up, let me put it on you.”

She lifts her hair, keeping her eyes averted from me.

I clip the necklace onto her, then the bracelet.

“Do you like it?” I ask, wondering why she seems uncomfortable with the gift.

“It is very beautiful.” She clears her throat and quickly wipes the back of her hand across her cheek. Then she smiles tightly and says, “What’s for dinner? I’m really tired. I want to get to bed early.”

I sigh, walking back to my own seat.

“It’s Smith’s version of fish and chips. I thought you’d enjoy the reference,” I say, feeling lost inside, no closer to understanding what is going on with her than I was this morning.

Raisa shakes her head, her mouth pulling tight as she tugs at the necklace in agitation.

Then she looks up at me with such anger in her eyes that I actually lean back slightly in my chair.

“Why in the world would you do this? Why would you give me gifts and make references to that night we had together? What kind of game are you playing with me?” She practically snarls she is so angry with me. Her fist is clenched around the rose pendant on her neck.

“What—I don’t—Raisa, what is going on?” I say, exasperated. “I’ve been trying for days to help you ease your study stress—but I’m starting to think it’s more than that. What is going on? Talk to me?”

“I just want to know why you are faking being nice to me. Why bother? Why taunt me like that?” She snaps.

“Fake?” I stammer in confusion.

“Yes, Oleg—fake.”

“Why would you think my gestures are fake?”

“Because I am nothing but a tool to you,” she spits the word with anger. Deep anger. The type that hides hurt.

“Raisa—“ my heart is beating fast, realizing the conversation she must have overheard.

“Don’t even bother.” She stands up, pushing her chair back, getting ready to leave. “You don’t have to explain anything, actually. It doesn’t even matter. I heard what you said to Leon the other night. I know I am nothing more than a method of reaching my brothers.” She turns to leave the room, but I am up and out of my seat too quickly. I grab her arm and spin her towards me.

“You were never meant to hear that, Raisa,” I say, holding her against me so that she can’t leave.

“Well, I did hear it—so you don’t have to pretend anymore.” Tears are falling silently down her cheeks.

What I said to Leon really hurt her—badly—and I didn’t mean it. Not at all.

“Raisa, I promise you, I only said that for Leon’s benefit. It isn’t how I feel.”

“Why would you say it if it wasn’t true?” She mutters quietly.

Fuck. I can see the pain in her eyes.

No wonder she has been so cold towards me for the last few days. No wonder she hasn’t wanted to talk to me or interact with me. She’s been completely avoiding me and now it all makes sense.

“I said it only to keep Leon from interfering with our relationship and the entire situation. If Leon thought something was going on, he wouldn’t leave this alone.”

“I don’t believe you,” she whispers. Her eyes turned away from me.

“Raisa, please—“

She steps away from me, pushing against my chest and forcing me to accept that I have to let go of her.

Shaking her head, she takes a tight breath in.

“I’m not really hungry,” she says.

“No, stay and eat something. I’ll go if you want me to—“

She shakes her head again, then reaches up behind her head and unclips the necklace. She puts it on the dinner table, along with the bracelet, then turns away from me and walks out of the dining room.

My heart has sunk to the pit of my stomach.

I feel horrible.

I feel like a piece of me has been torn away—something I didn’t even realize was there—but now that it’s gone, I feel immense pain.

“Fuck,” I say loudly, cursing myself.

I really fucked up badly with this.

I wish I could take back the words I said to Leon.

I wish she hadn’t heard them.

How do I fix this?

How can I make this right?

I stand at the edge of the dinner table, staring at the ruby rose pendant.

Gently picking it up, I place it back in the box next to the bracelet. I will leave it in her bedroom.

But I can see now that it will take a lot more than a simple gift to win back her trust and affection.

I don’t know what needs to be done, but I will find a way.

I don’t even want to go to bed with this distance between us—maybe—

I pick up the velvet box and jog upstairs towards her bedroom.

Knocking lightly at the door, I step inside. Raisa is sitting on her bed. She quickly wipes at her face, brushing away tears that I wasn’t supposed to see.

“Raisa—I didn’t want to just leave it like that,” I sigh, heavy with guilt. “I understand why you are upset with me. I would be too if I was in your situation. I just need you to know that it is not how I feel. What I said to Leon—it’s not the truth. I am so sorry I said that. I don’t know how, but I will make it up to you. I’m really sorry, Raisa.” I speak gently, and she listens quietly.

She doesn’t look up at me and she doesn’t move from the bed.

I step over to the dresser and put the velvet box on it. The Raisa pendant is hers. Whether or not she speaks to me again—that is her choice too.

I stand in the doorway looking at her for a moment, wishing she would say something—or even just look at me.

But she doesn’t. So, finally, I accept it and turn to walk away. Feeling the heaviness on my shoulders.

I need to give her time. And I need to find a way to make this right.

Lying in bed at night alone, my heart feels heavier than it ever has.

I feel like I’ve lost something that I didn’t know I had and it's breaking my heart.

I want Raisa to be in bed next to me. Instead, she is across the hallway—so close—but so far away.

I roll over and stare at the empty pillow where she should be sleeping.

Sighing, I close my eyes as my hand drifts to her side of the bed.

It feels as though there is a cord tied between us, tugging, softly, constantly pulling because we are supposed to be together. Not apart like this.

It takes a long time for sleep to claim me and when I wake up in the morning, I still feel heavy with guilt.