12. Inessa

I've experienced every emotion on the spectrum in less than twelve hours. We went from laughing, to arguing, to fucking, and then whatever it became before the end. Before Vlad tore my heart from my chest and shit on it. He couldn't even take his dick out of me because whoever she is holds that much importance. I'm nothing to him. It keeps echoing in my mind like a taunt. Mocking me that I could ever believe he cared about me.

He left me. Like everyone else.

I lay motionless on the bed as he rushes into the closet, asking after the woman who gets to have him, and the mumbled name isn't someone I've met. She's so far removed from his life, protected. That's what love is to Vlad, responsibility and protection. He's protected her so well that she doesn't exist because he loves her that deeply.He loves her enough to show his weakness and become unguarded because he never rushes through anything. He moves quickly, precise, but never erratic. Not now, he stumbles over his feet and he's nearly running.

What the fuck have I done?

I can't even hurt him, that would require him to give a fuck about me. So, I turn on my side, hoping to hide my battered heart as clothes rustle. He doesn't even shower, and he dresses too quickly, and he drops another guard by not wearing a suit.

He's going to leave me to be with her, to check she's safe and happy while I break. My body stiffens when his footsteps move closer. I have to force myself to relax as the bed dips and hope blooms inside me. He crushes it with a gentle kiss to my temple and a whispered admission as he pulls the sheets up to my chin.

"You deserve better, meelaya."

I want to scream, tell him to stay. Remind him of his fucking promise but I don't do anything.It's easier like this, the same with my parents, everyone leaves, and I'm too much of a fucking idiot to ever open my mouth and demand they don't. Or maybe I'm intelligent because I don't. I know it won't change the outcome, so there's no need to waste my breath.

Everything inside of me turns cold as he moves away from me. It's ice when the door clicks, and my sob breaks free as Vlad runs down the hallway. Just like my fucking parents, I'm only good when it's convenient. As soon as the first option comes around, I'm left. Discarded and fucking thrown away.Curling in a ball, I push my face into the pillow to mute my cries. There's a physical pain in my chest and rubbing it doesn't help.

What the fuck is so wrong with me that I'm always a burden? A thing to be displayed, but never fucking interacted with? A tool to serve everyone's purpose rather than a human fucking being?

I pull the sheets over my head and anger takes over. It smells of sex and Vlad. I ignore the soreness in my muscles and storm into the bathroom, needing him off me. There's never been a time he's fucked me and literally left straight away, not mentally or physically. He always fucking lays me down, covers my body, then leaves. A bitter laugh rips through my throat because that is the better option.

My husband's dick was still inside me, with his cum running down my thigh, when he ran away to be with his love. But she's not his mistress, I am. The other times he fucks me, though? Oh yeah, he's amazing and runs away then too. But at least he covers my fucking body.Part of me wars that I'm wrong, that there's some explanation he could give me. I'd be a fool accepting the bullshit and pulling the wool over my own eyes.

I'm a fucking idiot. All this time, I let myself believe the bullshit despite there being black-and-white evidence of what he wants. He's given in slowly because I demanded it, and I wouldn't shut up as he says. He fucks me to get out of this marriage as soon as possible.

My tears mix with the spray of the water as I scrub at my skin. I hate myself more than him. My knees shake and I hold the wall for support as I struggle to breathe. The only way out of this shit is to let him fuck me, to be tied to him for life and watch as he gives more to the person who holds his heart while I remain an audience.

No, fuck him. I'll find another way out. I'm not going to be the other fucking woman. Anger is good, it stops the tears, and I leave the shower before I can peel any more layers of skin away. Not wanting to be around his things, I towel dry my hair and throw on the first pair of pajamas I find. My comfy orange pants remind me of the prick. He's even stolen that small thing from me. It's poetic when he became my abnormal comfort too.

The lights are on as I leave that dickhead's floor and go downstairs with a pillow. Vitali is watching something, and there are snacks laid out in front of him on the coffee table. Concern colors his features as he turns his head at the sound of my steps. He rounds the sofa, pulling me into his arms and stroking my back as his violence puffs his chest out. "What's wrong?"

Tears burn the back of my eyes at the genuine care in his voice. They fall when he kisses the top of my head and hugs me tighter.

"You want to sit with me and watch shit TV?"

A watery, grateful laugh leaves me, and he guides me to sit down. He doesn't try to talk and puts on random shit like he promised as he keeps me tucked to his side and rests his cheek on top of my head.

He's discreet in checking my arms for any marks, and his eyes keep flicking to the pillow I'm still holding. The silence only lasts two episodes, and he brings up his moronic brother.

"Vlad's gone to St Petersburg on business, is that why you're upset?"

Nice to know the bastard checked in with his brothers but not me, it's not like I'm his fucking wife. Shaking my head, I find my voice to get information I'll never get from the source.

"Was Vlad close to anyone when you lived there?" I ask carefully.

I know they were young, but they must remember some things.Tali is nothing but honest, making me wonder who raised him, as he doesn't question my motives.

"No, he was a weird fuck and he'd sit in the graveyard opposite our house every day. He used to take Val and me to this empty plot at the back because no one could see past the tree and there was a little cottage there." Nodding along, I don't know how to phrase my question, but he continues, not realizing each syllable is a dagger in my heart. "I think the priest lived there with his wife and daughters. One of them was around Vlad's age, but everyone called him dyavol at that point."

He kisses the top of my head and squeezes my shoulder as he queues up the next episode. I choose not to focus on the priest's daughter who owns Vlad. Instead, I get what I couldn't from their old neighbor.

"Why did they call him that? Dyavol?"

Tali hesitates, looking around as the sun comes up to make sure no one overhears him. His voice is barely audible and doesn't match his character.

"I was young, and Vlad made us move when we started hearing the rumors. But he apparently killed sixteen people in one night, then walked back home covered in blood and dirt in the middle of the day. Everyone said he looked like he'd crawled out from hell."

I relax into his side as I hide my face by leaning my head on his shoulder. There are so many questions. I can't ask them though. He doesn't know anything other than rumors despite knowing the bastard all of his life.

Tali tries to force himself to stay awake, so I'm not alone, and I'm numb. Why couldn't I have married him? He's normal, or at least he's not unnecessarily cruel. I might not be attracted to him, but he respects me, unlike the man I'm tied to.

When Viktor comes down, I grab Tali's arm, and I sound desperate.

"Can I sleep on your floor?"

I can't be around Vlad's things while waiting for him to come back to play pretend. He softens and looks towards the kitchen to make sure Viktor is out of earshot as he misunderstands me.

"It was just a rumor. People say shit all the time."

I'm not afraid of anything Vlad could do to me physically. I know he wouldn't hit me. He'd destroy me in ways that would be unseen. Whatever Tali sees on my face makes him give in with a small smile.

"Take any room you want. Vik's is the one with cars all over it. Unless you want a car bed too?" His attempt at a joke makes me return his smile and I shake my head before forcing myself to stand and hide away.

* * *

Whoever in controlof my life — God, fate, or the universe, all three of them — they've conspired with the single goal of how to make my life worse by giving me an escape. Now I'm dragging another life into it, but my fucked up brain keeps defending Vlad. He doesn't care for me, but that doesn't mean he won't care for his own child.

When my third message in as many weeks goes unanswered, I realize that's a fucking lie. I'm already thirteen weeks pregnant, and the father of my child is MIA. What a fucking joy my life is. He's spent three weeks doing God knows what, or who, without any trace of life. He'll be with her, and I'll be with my child. My hand goes to my stomach despite there being no bump and I give the little bean every promise for more. They won't know pain or neglect. If that prick doesn't want me, he'll still be in their life, but if he denies my child, I'll kill him.

The doctor doesn't comment on me being alone as she steps into the room, confirming I'm pregnant yet again. I've done upwards of fifteen tests in the last four days, so I don't need her to continue repeating it, and Val's message comes through when she goes to get the needles for my blood work.

Val:

We're outside, which room are you in? Tali said he's got you those nasty cookies you like

How are they even related? Vlad has forgotten I exist, but his brothers have done everything. They don't act like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be, and they both sat on the bathroom floor with me when I was throwing up. Whoever raised them should have raised that bastard. Maybe he'd know how to act like a fucking human being instead of whatever creature he's currently embodying.

Choosing not to reply, I close my eyes and breathe. I can do this on my own. I've never had anyone hold my hand before and this is no different. Even Grandfather and Dariya refused to coddle me, thinking that's what went wrong with my father. The door opens but I don't open my eyes, I pay enough to block everything out if I want to.The sound of dress shoes have my eyes springing open and my dumbass heart assumes it's the one Vartanov who couldn't give a fuck if I was living or breathing.

Instead, Valentin, Dani, and Vitali awkwardly stand by the door. The latter makes a stupid joke as he holds his hand out, "If I give you this don't break it, I've got a fight coming up and I heard pregnant women have weird strength."

I wish I had siblings, people who understood me and bonded, so it wasn't just me. I wouldn't be like Vlad, taking them for granted and I'm going to steal his brothers in the divorce.

They all move to stand by my head as the doctor comes back. Dani is kind and wraps her fingers around mine as she gives me a tight-lipped smile. The doctor's brows go up at the two criminals in the room, but she recovers quickly and ignores them as they get larger, watching the needle push into my skin. I used to hate needles, it's funny what a broken heart can change. She rests the vials on the table as she focuses on me to ignore everyone else as she asks, "Are you ready to see your baby now?"

Dani squeezes my hand, and my audience doesn't say a word until they see their niece or nephew. Val and Tali bicker over the sex louder than usual, probably trying to get me to react. All I can focus on is the little thuds and watching its heartbeat. It hasn't felt real until this moment. Even now, it's like I'm watching a TV show. The little gray blob isn't inside me; it's just projected on the screen for me to see.

Until Val opens his fat fucking mouth.

"It looks creepy as fuck. Like some sea creature."

Dani glares at him and my voice is deadly.

"Don't call my child a sea creature. Or weird. Or curse in front of them."

I never thought about having children as anything outside of the hypothetical. It was something I was removed from. My mind detached everything to do with family because mine was cold. But this child won't have that. It will have uncles who care about it and a cousin who's more excited than anyone else. Above all, it will have a mother who will protect them from anything. Including their father if it's required.

Looking up from the screen, the doctor hesitates and tries to figure out the roles of the idiots behind me.

"Do the dads want a printout each?"

They both fill with disgust, spitting out the same thing.

"She's our sister."

Emotion chokes me at the choice of correction. Not sister-in-law, sister. I'm definitely keeping them in the divorce. I appreciate them more than Vlad does and spend more time with them.

The doctor turns red as she mumbles about my next appointment so she can escape her slip-up and leaves. My body moves at a normal speed, but my sluggish mind makes it feel like the world is in slow motion. Grandfather's joy over the next generation growing in my stomach will bolster me, and I don't say anything to the people who keep inviting themselves into my space as I get up and leave.

Dani follows me out and her voice is gentle as she holds my shoulder. "You know we're all here for you? Whatever you need? I'll even put a sock in Val's mouth to stop him saying stupid shit."

Emotion chokes me as I nod, and she wraps her arms around me.

"You'll be okay, and he'll come back again, like last time."

They all think I'm worried. Part of me might be, but my hurt eclipses that particular emotion. If he walks into the house covered in blood, I'd prefer it. But if he doesn't, if he's fine, that means it has all been purposeful. There's no room for romanticized views in my life. It was killed before I even understood what they were. All of this is just bullshit. My mind altered things, changing the facts to make it more palatable for my heart. I built Vlad into someone he wasn't and as soon as he's not there, reality seeps in.

I take a controlled breath and straighten my shoulders, forcing my emotions back as I coolly step back into my bitchy heiress persona.

"I'm fine. I don't need you guys hugging me or acting like I'm a child."

Dani's face falls and I turn on my heel, getting away from it before I end up apologizing to her. I don't break down as I walk straight to the bank of elevators and keep everything steeled. It doesn't come until I get in the car, locked away from everyone and I fight tears as soon as I start the engine. They're not solely for me, it's for my child, who will have the same childhood I did. I will never be able to compensate for the inadequacy of knowing their own parent doesn't care about them. It will fester inside of them and make them think they should be different.

I drive to the only home I've ever had, and my hand keeps going to my stomach. I hope I don't fuck them up or let them see me be weak, allowing other people's actions to influence me. I can be strong for my baby and give them a life I wish I had. I'll find someone better than what I was forced to be with so even if Vlad wants nothing to do with either of us, they have positive role models. I nearly laugh out loud like a crazy person — Vlad is not a good role model. The only way that could be true is if a person did the opposite of everything he does.

Grandfather is already at the doors when I pull up to the gates. The house looks bigger after so long being away from it and I blow out a breath to stop myself from running to him in front of the guards like I want to. He notices instantly, a small tensing of his jaw is his tell and his eyes darken, showing the violent man he used to be in his younger years. But he's the Pakhan and he doesn't allow any softness to show as he kisses my cheek with a reminder.

"Sila."

It sounds less like a demand and more as though he's describing something. I don't have the mental capacity to work out what it is and follow him into the house. His hesitance comes out as we're locked away from any witnesses.

"How is my great-grandchild?"

I realize then why he's angry. He thinks I'm upset because something has happened to the baby. I take the ultrasound from my bag and hand it to him. He gushes over it the only way he knows how, and I feel lighter.

"Strong, long limbs like you when you were a baby."

The softness doesn't last for long as he guides me to his office, away from anyone overhearing, and he doesn't return the ultrasound, instead he puts it in his pocket.

I already know what the topic will be, or who, as he sits behind his desk and sends Dariya a message to bring me food.He waits until I'm seated opposite and speaks gently as though I'm a child again.

"Have you decided to stay married?"

No.

The clause was put in as way of an apology for my duty, his way of allowing me a life I want after sacrificing for years. I straighten my spine, and there's no emotion in my voice, just conviction.

"There isn't a marriage, only agreements of what we'd both do. I've kept mine, and I'll file for divorce when the baby is six weeks old like I said I would."

He switches personas from Pakhan to my dedulya, who would drop everything to pick me up from wherever my parents left me.

Rounding his desk, he pulls me to his side and kisses my forehead. "Vlad will be back from Moscow within two weeks. We'll arrange for the paperwork to be drawn up and have everything ready for you."

A bitter laugh is trapped in my throat. Of course, he'd notify his Pakhan of his whereabouts. Everyone other than me seems to know where and what my husband is doing.

Grandfather strokes down my arms and a tiny speck of remorse enters his eyes as he asks, "Will you be happy, Ineska?"

I refuse to be anything other than happy, it's what my baby deserves. I won't turn into my mother, projecting my life's failings on an innocent child who had no choice in whether they came into existence.

My voice is steel as I seek comfort from my father figure and wrap my arms around him with my cheek buried against his chest.

"I'll love my baby, and I'll give them everything. Happiness isn't something we get in this life, but I can find it."

He takes a deep breath and strokes my hair as he rubs my back. I know what life is, I'm not going to succumb to the illusion again.