Chapter Four

~ Tawson ~

T awson got back to the ranch well after the sun set. He kept replaying the conversation in his mind with Victor. Everyone he'd met so far said that he was the shy one of the family, but he'd been funny in their brief interaction. Tawson felt like maybe he was misjudged by his family or possibly hiding something from them. He tried not to think about it too much, because it was weird. Right?

Victor was only nineteen. And he was a student. Even if he would allow himself to think about it, there had to be some rules against it at the university. And on top of everything, he couldn't give his ex anything to ‘prove' she was right. It would be the first person he looked at for more than a glance in nearly a year was a guy.

He woke up to the birds chirping Saturday morning. His phone alarm was going off and he reached over to grab it. His eyes were heavy. It took several seconds to clear the sleep from his eyes and he moved to sit up in the bed. The place didn't have central air, but the portable air conditioner stand that came with the place kept it at just the right temperature. He pushed the blanket aside and dropped his phone to the bed. He didn't have many contacts left in it, had changed his number directly after the separation. His mom's number, his older sister that he hadn't spoken to in a couple of months. Then there was Daniel's, William, and Brett. Patrick and Tracy's numbers were added recently too. He didn't mind though. He'd deleted his social medias after the separation. Almost everyone had turned on him anyway so he didn't care to keep up with their lives.

The floor was cool under his feet. He moved to the bathroom on autopilot, flipping the light on, and squinting against the brightness before he did his business. He looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was shaved but his beard was coming in strong. It wasn't long, but it did grow thick. He'd probably trim it up for classes. He wanted to appear older than he was, to give off a good impression and earn the students' respect. A beard wouldn't do all of that, but it helped to make him appear at least a year or two older.

He brushed his teeth quickly and then moved to the kitchenette. He kept the basics in the fridge. There were eggs, bacon, hamburger meat, cheese, milk, and a case of beers waiting for him. He sighed, knowing he'd have to go get more food. He'd be spending a lot more time on campus and that meant easy pickings at the cafeteria or restaurant, but he was trying to not spend all of his money. He couldn't stay on the ranch forever. As much as he loved it already.

He decided on the last thing of yogurt, figuring he could go shopping later today. There was a small grocer in Fairwind, about a fifteen minute drive opposite the way to the city. And he knew there was a Farmer's Market too. Living alone, he'd turned to teaching himself how to cook better meals .

He ate the yogurt slowly while his coffee brewed. Like everything else, it was generic and nothing special. He had a hazelnut creamer he used and some sugar. He liked it sweet, something that was also used to judge him for years.

The weather outside was dry and very warm. He sat on the chair on the patio and closed his eyes. The sun was high enough that the heat warned his bare chest. He sipped his coffee and just listened to the sounds around him. He grew up in a growing city. It was small enough that they didn't have a lot of traffic but it was expanding quickly so there was construction and horns honking through the night. The ranch was a different kind of noise and he loved it. The birds chirping in the trees close to the backside of the house, the horses at the bottom of the hill, the wind hitting the chimes his neighbor to the left had hanging out. The houses weren't close, but he'd heard them a time or two when he was walking around. The smells were calming too. A little riper closer to the barn, but the fresh air was inviting.

It was exactly what he needed.

Once his cup was empty, he stood back up and walked inside. He rinsed it out and set it on the towel to dry. He didn't have anything to do today or tomorrow. Tracy had already invited him over for dinner tomorrow night.

Most of the day was spent hanging around the house. He cleaned up, putting his dirty clothes in the backseat of his car. William had been upfront that the houses didn't have a washer or dryer, but they offered the guest house laundry room if it was empty or there was a laundromat in Fairwind. He had to go to the store anyway, so he'd spend a couple hours out and make sure everything was off to a good start for Monday.

There was only one other person at the laundromat when he walked inside. He nodded a silent hello and then headed to the first open washer. He had at least two loads to wash and he'd brought a book to keep himself company. As an English teacher, he'd read all the classics, but nothing beat a good romance book. This one was a bit on the spicier side, but it had enough plot to be enjoyable. His mind drifted to and from the book and thoughts of the last couple weeks. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be standing in front of college students. He'd done his student teaching in a high school. Some of his students this go around were going to be his age or even older. There was a niggling thought in the back of his mind that this was all going to be a bust.

By the time his clothes were dry and folded back into the basket, he'd finished four chapters of the book. The other person had long since left. The town wasn't big at all. It was really just the one street with storefronts on either side. Some were empty and boarded up, but those like Albert's Ale were getting some business. He put his clothes in the car and decided to walk to the grocer. It was just a few stores down from the bar.

There were a couple of people inside. The clerk greeted him with a smile while he grabbed a basket and started looking around. He took his time, browsing the shelves and trying to think of different meals he could cook. He'd try to take lunch with him as much as he could. He ended up with a basket full of fresh fruits, some more yogurts, ingredients to make spaghetti, chicken parm, and a bag of baked potatoes. It would last him for at least a week. He'd try to hit the big grocery store up on Friday evenings after his classes.

"I've seen you in here a time or two," the cashier said. She was younger, maybe high school age. "Are you new to the area?"

"Yeah," he said. "Here for a while."

"Are you living around here or out in the county?"

"Not too far from here," Tawson said. He signed the NDAs William and Brett have for the foundation. It stopped him from talking to news stations and similar entities about where he lived and the people that lived on the ranch. It didn't cover everyday conversations with others, but that didn't mean he wanted random people to know where he was. He knew the foundation was known around the area, but he still liked the privacy it gave.

The girl continued to ring his items up and he stood there while she put them into paper bags. She asked him where he was from, which he answered truthfully. He asked her where she went to school. It was a bit of a stilted conversation but then he paid and took his bags outside.

He stopped his car at the gate and pressed the button to alert someone he needed the gate open. It was only a few seconds that the gate opened and he pulled his car through. They had a tight security around the main driveway and the field along the road. Only the family members had the codes, but all they needed to do was text someone or press the button on the gate itself to be let in.

The rest of the day he spent just like his morning. He cooked some lunch and then sat outside with his book again. He finished the majority of it before it was time to make supper. The sun was setting when he decided to put his clothes away and took another shower. He was in bed by nine.

That was when the thoughts started up. He couldn't wait for the day he could go to sleep without thinking about all of it. He'd been through it again and again, with the police and then his therapist. He said he was past it, that he'd moved on. But sometimes, like tonight, his skin crawled with the memory. The look on his wife and friends' faces, the disbelief and loss of trust. He could feel it all over again.

His brain started spinning and he got up, jogging in place for a minute. It was usually what helped him when his mind started spinning, but tonight it didn't seem to be working. He moved to the bathroom and stripped his clothes. He'd only taken a shower fifteen minutes ago but he needed to do something to distract himself.

"Not tonight," he whispered to himself over and over. He let the water fall over his body, his hands against the wall. He shifted the water from warm to cold, trying to shock his body into forgetting. His breathing was getting shallow. He sank to his knees, shivering at the cold spray beating down on him. He wrapped his arms around his legs and tucked his chin against his chest. He tried to focus on his breathing. That was the main thing.

He hated the panic attacks.

Tawson woke up groggy Sunday morning. He decided to stay in bed and try to distract himself. He'd pulled himself out of the shower last night and put on an oversized hoodie before crawling into the bed. He'd been too cold to think about much else until he fell asleep.

The hours passed and he really wasn't sure what time it was. He finished his book from yesterday and passed more time playing some mindless game on his phone that involved sorting colors into tubes. By lunch time, his stomach was protesting and he got up to make a sandwich. There was a knock at the door just as he took the first bite. He looked down at himself, half naked, and back to the door.

"Just a second," he called out. He moved quickly to find a pair of shorts to put on. He ran his hands over the scruff on his face. He'd trimmed it up yesterday so at least he had that going for him. He shook his body, trying to rid himself of the tension he'd been carrying around all morning. When he opened the door, the last person he expected was Victor. "Hey."

"Hey," he said just as shortly. "Um, my dad asked me to come tell you that we're changing dinner to a cookout tonight. Which means he'll start the grill around five and we'll eat about six so whenever you want to come down and join. There will be drinks and stuff if you want to come down sooner."

"Thanks," Tawson said. He knew he was being short and he could tell that Victor sensed something was off. "I don't know if I'll make it tonight or not, but I'll try. He could have just texted me."

"My dad sucks at texting," Victor said. "And I was on the phone with him coming in anyway. Told him I'd just stop by."

"I appreciate it," Tawson said. He really wasn't sure if he'd be up for that kind of socializing tonight. "I'll let him know if I can make it."

"Are you okay?" Victor asked. He was wearing a green shirt and a pair of jeans with tennis shoes. He noticed the way that the shirt tightened around his arms when he crossed them over his chest. "You look like you haven't slept much. Nervous for the first day?"

"Something like that," Tawson said. Victor must have heard something in his voice or something because he uncrossed his arms and reached a hand out. He didn't reach for him, but mostly as a sign of concern.

"Seriously, though, are you okay? I was trying to play it off but you do look like you're coming down with something."

Tawson could feel the tension rising in his body again. This was the last person he wanted to break down in front of and he had about two minutes before he'd cross the point of no return again. Victor stepped closer, inviting himself in. Tawson didn't have the energy to tell him no. "Hey, come here and sit down. You're swaying on your feet. Do you want a glass of water?"

He let Victor guide him to the couch and sat down. He stayed there, motionless, until Victor held out the glass of water to him. It was the same cup he'd drank his coffee in yesterday. He'd never put it away.

Victor sat next to him and they stayed like that in silence while Tawson sipped on the water. He never broke down in front of others and he didn't want to start today. He dropped his head and stared at his hands wrapped around the glass.

"You know, I still haven't met my roommate. We've upgraded to texting outside of the app thing. He's told me he has a full schedule and that the room was really just a way for him to get his parents off his back. So I'm guessing that means I won't be seeing him much at all. Like, I peeked into his room and there's boxes but they don't even look like they've been touched. Do you know, I spent last night eating popcorn in my boxers and watching Family Guy on a forty-inch TV. The first Saturday at college and I spent it alone." He shifted slightly on the seat. Tawson looked up and over at him. "And get this. He even offered to pay for part of my rent if I pretended he was just out to class or at the library if anyone came to ask where he was. I don't think I want to know what he's actually doing or how he's getting away with it, but I essentially have a sugar daddy. That's what Joe is calling him."

"You probably shouldn't be telling me that a student is not staying on campus," Tawson pointed out. Victor's smile faded just slightly.

"Shit, yeah. I didn't think of that. We can call this a confidentiality talk. Nothing leaves this room kind of thing."

"Sure," Tawson nodded. "As long as you're okay with it and you keep safe living alone, I'll stay quiet."

"I'm more than okay with it," Victor said. "I mean, like I said. I literally can just chill in my boxers or whatever and not have to worry about running into anyone else. Plus, it makes Joe crazy because his roommate apparently farts in his sleep. It's great."

Tawson shook his head. Victor seemed to enjoy that fact way too much. He knew that he was trying to distract him and it was working. The rambling story kept his shoulders loose and the knot in his stomach was gone. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Victor said. His voice was serious now. "I've had a panic attack before. They aren't fun. I can tell my parents that you're not feeling well and we'll do a raincheck."

"No, I'm okay. I'll come down." Tawson would be okay for an hour or two.

Victor reached over and took the empty glass from Tawson. Their hands brushed and a moment passed between them. They both looked up at each other and just stared. Tawson could see Victor's cheeks blush before he pulled his hand away.

"Please don't mention this," Tawson said. He stood up and followed behind Victor to the kitchenette. "I'm fine, I promise. But I don't need-"

"I wouldn't tell anyone to begin with," Victor said. "But I do know how much they suck. If you need anyone to talk to, let me know."

"I don't get them very often anymore," he said. He leaned with his back against the counter and his arms crossed over his chest. He wasn't sure why he kept talking. Maybe the lack of talking to people yesterday and this morning. It was nice just to have someone else in the room. "Just here and there. I won't bore you with the details, but they're getting better. I'm getting better."

"And you're going to go on campus tomorrow and absolutely smash it as the new teacher," Victor said. His smile was back and it was genuine. He had a big smile, showing most of his teeth. His lips were full and for the second time, Tawson caught himself looking at them. "I'll even beat up anyone that says you aren't."

That got a small chuckle out of Tawson. He loved the simplicity of Victor's words. He was joking, knowing that Tawson needed something to keep his mind away from the other thoughts. He was easy to talk to; Tawson couldn't figure out why everyone introduced him the way they did. He figured now was as good a time as any to ask.

"I've been told by multiple people that you're the shy one," Tawson started. He let his eyes drift around Victor's face. He had a shadow of stubble coming in but he wasn't sure if that was from shaving or all that he could grow. His hair was a couple inches, long enough to run fingers through. "I just don't see it."

Victor cocked his hip against the counter and faced Tawson. They were standing pretty close, well within arm's reach. "I like to consider myself reserved."

"You haven't been that reserved around me," Tawson pointed out. At least, he hadn't felt like he was. He barely knew the guy, but he'd made Tawson laugh more than once and that wasn't always the easiest accomplishment.

"Oh trust me, there's a whole side of me you don't know." There was a strike of fear in his eyes when he said those words. "I mean, not that I'm that interesting or anything."

Tawson narrowed his eyes and tilted his head just slightly. "Now I feel like you're holding something back."

"And you'll have to pry that secret out of me on my death bed." Victor stood up straighter and Tawson could tell he was getting uncomfortable with the attention turned to him. As weird as it was, he was enjoying Victor's company. They matched each other with the teasing and quips yesterday and he'd jumped right in to help him this morning without even being asked.

"I'm not prying," Tawson said. "But like you said earlier, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here too."

They looked at each other and Tawson swore he could feel a different kind of attention building now. It was just an inkling but neither of them moved. Tawson watched Victor fidget, he licked his lips twice before speaking again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

They locked eyes. Victor stepped closer. There was only a foot between them. Tawson knew, in the back of his mind, where this was about to go. And he wasn't sure what that made him that he had no intention of stopping it.

"Are you…" Another lick of those lips. His eyes dropped down before he visibly steeled himself and locked eyes again. His eyes were a subtle blue. Calm. They had little flecks of green in them, close to his irises. "Into guys? "

He knew that was the question coming, but it still caught him off guard. His body was a mixture of emotions. Something drew him to Victor. The two conversations they'd had were easy and not forced at all. He was younger, though, by nearly a decade. And he was a student. He couldn't risk making dumb decisions before he even started the first day of classes.

As if his body made the decisions before his mind could weigh the pros and cons, He reached out and tugged Victor closer to him. Their chests pressed together and their lips met immediately. They were just as soft as he imagined. Neither of them moved to deepen the kiss. They just stayed there, pressed together from lips to toes. Tawson's hands loosened from Victor's shirt and rested on his hips. Victor's hands came up to cup either side of Tawson's neck. He could feel Victor tilt his head up just slightly, adding pressure behind the kiss.

It was over within seconds. Tawson rested his forehead against Victor's and they both stood there, breathing the same air. "We shouldn't have done that."

"Don't." Victor's voice was low, but he could hear the pleading. "Please. That- That was only my second kiss so please don't ruin the moment."

Tawson closed his eyes. He licked his lips, the memory already seared into his brain. They still clung to each other. The words sank into his mind finally. Victor was barely experienced. Had he done more than kissing with another guy? Or did he mean this was only his second kiss with a guy, but there could be a line of girls he'd been with.

Victor let out a quiet noise and that was all Tawson needed to react. He spun them so Victor's back was against the counter and he kissed him again. Hard. His hands moved to his hair while Victor's went to wrap around his back. Victor parted his lips this time and Tawson took the bait easily. His tongue slipped against Victor's, exploring his mouth greedily. Victor did the same. They weren't fighting for dominance but giving and taking evenly.

A moan broke the kiss and again, Tawson rested his forehead against Victor's. The moan had come from Victor and Tawson was well aware of the bulge behind his jeans. They were breathing heavier now.

"That was-"

"The best," Victor rushed to say. Tawson pulled his head back and he could feel Victor's grip tighten on him, like he was afraid he was going to leave him. He should. He really should end whatever they'd just done. But damn, that kiss.

"I'm not leaving," Tawson said. He moved his hands to grip Victor's forearms and pull his hands away from his body. "But we do need to talk, Victor. That- That can't happen again."