25. Twenty-Four

I dreamt Xion said he loved me. The words floated in the black void of sleep, as real as the constant throbbing in my head. Yet every time I woke, they slipped out of reach. I couldn’t decide if that’d really happened or not.

I didn’t know how long I slept, or how many times I woke up. My perception of time got wonky. The assault of light every time I opened my eyes and the pain in the center of my face didn’t help.

I had so many questions. Where was Church? Was he all right? Who was taking care of my dogs? Where was I? Every time I tried to hold a thought in my head, it slipped away like sand in an hourglass.

I need you. I love you.

Xion’s confession played on repeat inside the echo chamber of my mind until that’s all I had. Had he really said that, or had I imagined it? It felt real, real enough to believe in, so I dug my claws into those words and held onto them.

The next time I woke, I wasn’t alone in my bed. The familiar warmth of Xion’s body was pressed against mine. My head throbbed, but not quite as bad as before. The pain was dull enough that I chanced opening my eyes just a sliver.

I was in a darkened hospital room, which I might’ve already known. I couldn’t remember, but it didn’t feel like new information. There was a chair nearby, but Xion had decided instead to climb into bed with me. He was draped over me with his head on my chest, scrolling through something on a phone. Plastic bags and fast-food containers littered the table next to me along with a few empty plastic cups.

Warmth bloomed in my chest as I watched Xion while his chin dug into my ribs. Sometimes, it was easy to forget he was only twenty. Xion had so many rough edges, and he’d been through so much, that he often displayed a maturity beyond his years. But watching him mindlessly scroll through images on his phone reminded me that he was still very young. He was only the way he was because he’d had the last part of his childhood stolen from him.

I wished again that Harold had died a little slower and in a hell of a lot more pain.

Xion’s brown eyes slid to me, and his head perked up. “Boone? You’re awake.”

I winced when he sat up, putting pressure right on my stomach. “And with a full bladder, too.”

Xion scrambled out of bed and lowered the side rail like he knew what he was doing. He helped me sit up and slung my arm around his neck, helping me to my feet and taking the little stand with my monitors and IV on it in his fist.

I grunted as I stood, fighting a fresh wave of vertigo. He let me get my bearings before we shuffled forward.

“Why does it feel like I’ve already done this?” I asked, squeezing my eyes closed.

“Because you have. Like twenty times. I swear, you have a bladder the size of a teacup.”

I started to shake my head, then immediately regretted it. “Don’t remember it.”

“The doctor said some memory loss is normal with a concussion. But you remember who I am, right?” He looked over at me, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Sure I do. Jeremy, right?”

His frown deepened and we stopped just inside the doorway to a small bathroom.

I snickered. “I’m fucking with you. I know you, Xion. How could I forget you?”

“You asshole.” He scowled and pinched my side.

I tried to twist away. “Ow! Easy on the injured old man, okay? Now let me go. I gotta piss.”

He snorted and walked me up to the toilet. “Last time I let you stand on your own, you damn near face planted.”

“Well, I can’t do it with you holdin’ onto me like that!”

Xion rolled his eyes. “What’s the matter? You got stage fright? I’ve seen your dick, Boone. Now pull it out and piss unless you want me to hold that for you too?”

“Fuck off,” I grumbled.

I felt stupid, standing there, half held up while I used the toilet. Maybe I ought to have sat down to do it, but then I’d have to get back up. The only thing worse than standing still was standing up.

When I was done in the bathroom, Xion walked me back to the bed. He got me settled and pulled the blanket up over me, tucking me in like I was a kid before offering me a cup of ice water with a straw in it.

“You don’t have to fuss over me,” I said, waving him away. “It’s a bump on the head, not a fucking heart attack.”

He put the cup away and frowned. “It was a lot more than that. Algerone beat the shit out of you.”

I closed my eyes and laid my head back. I tried to remember that night, but all that came back were disjointed flashes. I moved to shake my head, then instantly regretted it, and settled for just laying there instead. “Where’d you get that phone?”

Xion snorted. “It’s an iPhone. You want one? I can have a hundred by tomorrow if I ask for it.” He sighed and picked up his phone, thumbing through several screens. “Algerone keeps sending me shit like he can buy me. Clothes, this phone, a laptop… He even offered me one of his Teslas, but those things are a death trap. Give me a classic car any day of the week. At least those are made of metal and not fiberglass. Ever seen a Tesla in a head-on collision? I’ve seen you and Church crush beer cans that look better.”

I rubbed my forehead and nodded. That was probably the most words I’d ever heard come out of Xion at once since… Well, since ever. He wasn’t usually such a talker. It was difficult to follow. “Look, Pup. I love hearing your voice, but I really need you to stick to small words and short sentences right now.”

“Sorry.”

“S’alright.” I sighed and we shared a moment of easy silence. I missed those with him, the hours on end spent doing nothing but sitting together with the TV on as background noise. Even when we couldn’t admit we liked each other, those evenings had been something I looked forward to. It was nice not to come home to an empty trailer.

I could’ve lost all that because of Church. I winced at the memory of him shouting out Xion’s hiding place. I understood why he’d broken so easily, but it still hurt that he had. Me and Church were going to have to talk some things out once I was well enough.

“Church and the other guys,” I said, my voice hoarse, “have you seen them? Are they okay?”

“Define okay,” Xion said, his tone dripping with disapproval. “Algerone has them all confined to the sixth floor and they’re going stir crazy. Bowie was climbing the walls because they took his knives away. Church was wearing a hole in the floor with his pacing. Ragnar was the only one who seemed okay, and that was because Algerone had his chickens and the dogs brought up.”

I nodded, even though that was too much for me to process at once. It seemed like they were okay, even if they weren’t happy. At least we were all alive.

Church wouldn’t see it that way. He’d rather be dead than be a prisoner again. He’d said as much to me a dozen times. After his eight-month stint in a Syrian prison, I didn’t blame him.

“Keep an eye on Church,” I muttered.

“He’s got everyone else keeping an eye on him. I’m staying down here with you.” Xion put his phone down.

I reached again for the memory of that night but could only hold onto flashes. Permeating it all was a horrible feeling in my gut. “I failed you,” I mumbled.

Xion sighed. “Boone…”

“I swore I would protect you, and then I didn’t. I failed you, Xion. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” The bed creaked as Xion climbed up onto it.

I scooted over against the other railing to give him more room, but he barely seemed to need it, settling in against me on his side. Warm, slightly calloused fingers brushed over my temple, pushing aside sweaty hair.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” he whispered. His lips were so close to my cheek that I could feel him breathing. “I was ready to burn this whole fucking place down, Boone.”

I turned my face toward him, doing my best to ignore the way the smashed bridge of my nose throbbed when I did. “I was ready to die to keep you safe.”

“I know, but…” He dropped his hand to my chest, gathering the fabric of my hospital gown in a fist. His eyes shimmered almost like he was going to cry, but he didn’t let the tears fall. “Boone, I don’t want you to die for me. I don’t want you to die at all. I want you to live. I want us both to live. I want us to go back to the trailer and to sit on the couch smoking and watching stupid movies. I want to fix cars and take the dogs for walks, and I want to stay up too late having sex and talking about stupid shit and then get up and do it all again and again until we’re both old as dirt. I want that life. With you. So you see…” He paused, choking on his next words. When they wouldn’t come, he buried his face against my chest and inhaled deeply. “Dammit, Boone, don’t leave me alone in the world!”

Xion let out a muffled sob against me and my heart broke.

I put my arms around him and squeezed tight, holding him. “I know, Pup. I’m sorry. I won’t leave you alone again.”

He lifted his head and looked at me with tears streaming down his face. “Promise?”

“I promise,” I said, and pulled his lips down to mine.

I’d never been into pain, but I deserved every bit of the hurt that throbbed in my skull with that kiss. The nerve endings in my face burned with it, but it was a clarifying fire, one that felt right and just after all I’d done.

Despite the pain, I let him deepen the kiss. When his tongue parted my lips, I opened to him, groaning at the familiar taste. Screw whatever painkillers they were giving me. Xion’s kiss was the only medicine I needed. The pain was everything I deserved. No kiss that’d come before that one could’ve so perfectly encompassed what we were.

He shifted his weight on top of me, straddling my waist, and I slid my hands under his shirt, letting my fingers explore up his muscular back. No matter how much we touched, it wasn’t enough. I needed more of him. Somehow, through the pain and the haze clouding my mind, my body responded to the familiar touch. When Xion rocked his hips against mine, I knew he was feeling the same, but I wasn’t sure sex was such a good idea considering I couldn’t even stand up.

I walked my fingers up to his collar and gave it a gentle tug backwards, breaking our kiss. “We shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” He rolled his hips against me again, and I barely managed to stifle a moan. “You obviously want it and so do I. Nobody else is around. They only come in here if one of us hits the call button.”

“It’s not that.” I groaned and put a hand to my head. “I don’t think I can get up, Pup. I’m too dizzy, and all the blood rushing south ain’t helping matters.”

“Then don’t get up.” Xion shifted up onto his knees and yanked down his sweats and underwear.

My mouth watered at the sight of his hard length coming free, but there was no way I could do what I wanted, not until my brain healed a little more. Xion shoved the blankets away, pushed up my unflattering hospital gown, and tugged down my underwear. He spat in his palm and leaned over me, taking both our cocks in his spit-slick hand. His lips pressed to mine again, and this time I couldn’t stop the groan from slipping out.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, it registered again that we shouldn’t be doing this, but the thought was gone as soon as it sprouted, just like every other. All that remained was Xion and the mounting pleasure of his body moving against mine. One of the cords tugged tight as I moved to put my hands on his ass. I frowned at the device pinching my finger and pulled it off, tossing it aside so I could grip him properly.

“That’s it, Pup,” I rasped, squeezing his ass. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

He whimpered at the praise before closing a second hand around us and tipping his head back. His exposed throat was begging for my teeth, if only I could get off that bed. I couldn’t though, at least not without a bad case of vertigo, so I lifted one of his hands free and scraped my teeth over the inside of his wrist before sucking two of his fingers into my mouth.

My head throbbed, and I couldn’t focus on much of anything, but somehow he kept me in the moment. Every glide of his cock against mine, those beautiful puppy whimpers in the back of his throat, the taste of his skin on my tongue… It was enough to have me on the edge despite myself, and faster than I would’ve liked.

I pushed his fingers away and yanked his mouth down to mine, needing to be inside him any way I could. Xion seemed to understand and nibbled at my bottom lip before sucking it between his teeth.

I ground out a curse when he slid his thumb over my leaking slit. “When you get out of this bed, you’re going to take me home and fuck me properly,” he said. “And then you’re going to take care of me, right?”

“Always.” The word came out on a raspy breath, but I meant it. It didn’t matter what kind of fallout came from all this. Whatever shitstorm was brewing for us upstairs with the Laskins and his father didn’t matter. Xion was mine. Mine to hold, mine to kiss, mine to love. Mine to live for, and mine to die for. He was everything, more than I deserved and could’ve ever dreamed of asking for.

I touched his lips, the words lingering on the tip of my tongue, but Xion’s mouth closed over mine and I lost them again. There was only the warm, slippery grip of his hand and our bodies grinding against each other, the glide of his tongue over mine, and the swell of some emotion that words felt too weak to encompass.

Xion groaned, the movements of his hips turning jerky and uneven as he came in thick spurts all over both of us. My balls drew up tight, my own orgasm inevitable. Searing pain shot through my head, but even that wasn’t enough to halt the orgasm in progress. I gritted my teeth and my vision whited out as I came.

The frantic beeping of one of the stupid machines I was hooked up to pulled me out of the moment too soon. Xion still had his hand wrapped around us both when a nurse yanked the curtain back, and I stared in horror as an army of people in gloves and scrubs rushed in. I scrambled to try to grab the blanket, to yank down the hospital gown, to do something— anything—so it wouldn’t be so obvious what we’d been doing, but it was pointless. There was no mistaking our compromising position.

Xion only seemed irritated by their presence. He twisted and scowled at them. “What the fuck?”

One of the nurses—a guy in aquamarine scrubs and more grey in his hair than brown—sighed and rolled his eyes. “Seriously fellas? False alarm, ladies. Everybody out.”

The other nurses’ faces were a mix of confusion, irritation, and disgust as he herded them toward the exit before drawing the curtain closed. I expected him to exit too, but he came back over to shut off the annoying beeping before giving us a stern look.

“I don’t know how they do things down at the VA,” he said, clearly irritated, “but next time you fellas decide to get it on, take the fucking heart monitor off so we don’t think you’re having a fucking arrhythmia.” He turned his nose up and marched out of the room.

Maybe if I didn’t have a brain injury, I would’ve had the sense to be embarrassed. Instead, I looked at Xion and we both broke out into a fit of giggles.

“God,” Xion sighed and wiped tears from his eyes before wriggling free to grab the box of cheap tissues by the bed. “This is one of those stories we’ll be telling when we’re old, isn’t it?”

My smile fell. “I’m already old, Pup.”

He rolled his eyes as he used the tissues to clean us up. “Please, you’re not even forty. Don’t even try that line with me. You’re stuck with me for at least another forty years.”

“You’ll be sixty in forty years and I’ll be…” I squinted and tried to do the math but couldn’t. “Older than that.”

He chuckled and kissed the end of my nose. “Seventy-six.”

“Seventy-six,” I repeated and put my arms around him. “And you’ll still be mine.”

Xion’s face softened. He touched my cheek. “Really? Forty years is a long time, Boone. You’re not just saying that because your head’s fucked up, are you?”

I shook my head and winced as it felt like my whole brain rattled. “No,” I said, putting my hand over his. “Xion, I don’t ever want to lose you again. I can’t. Thinking I might fucked me up so bad… I need you. I love you.”

His eyes widened at the confession. I hadn’t meant it to come out exactly like that, but fuck it. Those words had been in my head for days. Whether he’d said it to me or not, I needed to say it to him.

His gaze fell to my chest. He shook his head. “You don’t need me. I’m nothing but trouble for you.”

I lifted his chin. “Maybe, but I can deal with a little trouble if I get to have you.”

“I’m serious, Boone. I know things are good now, but don’t forget… I hear voices. I’m not always in touch with reality. I could lose my shit at any moment. That’s still a part of who I am. My schizophrenia might be better, but it’s not going away.”

“And neither am I,” I said, pulling him down to kiss his forehead. “I told you I’d take care of you. That was the truth. When you need me, I’ll be right there. Maybe you’ll need me a little more than some people, but that’s okay. I’m here for it. I’m here for you, Xion. All of you.”

He threw his arms around me and squeezed, burying his face against my neck. “God dammit, Boone. You can’t just say shit like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like exactly the shit I need to hear.”

I smiled and put my arms around him.