Chapter Eighteen

"So, what are our plans for Bacchanal this year?" Zo asks me and the girls, her eyes dancing with excitement.

I groan inwardly, using the mouthful of pizza I consumed to refrain from answering. The last thing on my mind is going to a party.

We eat in mine and Zo's room, B taking her usual place next to Zo on Zo's bed, with Astrid and Scar taking over mine. I sit cross-legged on the floor, the position affording me the option of masking my tired eyes and less than enthusiastic expressions regarding just about…everything.

"Pass," B says, picking off pieces of meatball that must have made their way on to her pepperoni slice. She throws them on Zo's plate.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're a senior, so you're too fucking good for us?" Zo fires back, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

I still haven't pushed Zo to tell me what the deal is between the two of them, but I'm almost positive they are at the very least hooking up. It's not just their constant bickering, it's the way Zo subtly sneaks glances at B when she's not looking, or the way B caters to Zo even while pretending it's an inconvenience. Even now, their glares hold an underlying tension. It's like they can't decide whether they want to fuck or kill one another.

I know the feeling.

Nick invades my every thought, my waking dreams, and my nightmares. His cedarwood and vanilla scent is somehow embedded in my nostrils, taunting me with his presence, even though I haven't seen him since he tore Silas's hand clean from his body. The situation was brushed under the rug, with Silas claiming a fight off campus that spiraled out of control. His male companion, another junior in Silas' class that I'd never met, backed his story. The unidentified female accomplice hasn't come forward with any evidence to the contrary, and the lab itself had been mysteriously cleaned of any blood or foul play.

I decided not to tell Zo or the girl gang that I had been involved in any way, knowing it would definitely implicate Nick. Scar, however, wasn't easily fooled. She knew Nick somehow had a hand - no pun intended - in what happened to Silas, and she was sure I was involved, too. I heard her saying as much to Astrid, crying that she feels like she's losing both her big brother and me and how she wished the two of us would just move on with or without each other.

Hearing her say that tore me to pieces. I've tried so hard to move on, constantly warring with myself for Nick's safety and my own selfish desire to just be near him. Yet even when I try to stay away from him, he somehow finds me. It's like Fate is playing a cruel trick where, despite my attempts to keep him safe by pushing him out of my life, something else keeps shoving us together.

When I saw Scar for lunch after I overheard her confession, she had a huge smile plastered on her face, and I finally understood what it was like to be on the receiving end of your friend's lies.

Like being spoon fed my own venom.

"I'd actually like to do something different." Scar's unsure voice breaks apart the hate-fuck glare war, and even I turn around in my seated position to face her.

"What do you have in mind?" I ask .

There's a pregnant pause, and Astrid squeezes Scar's hand in encouragement.

Scar clears her throat. "Strega."

"You want to go to a club?" B asks incredulously.

"Why not?" Astrid counters.

Behind me, Zo scoffs. "Maybe it's because said club is owned by the murderous witch bitch who has it out for Rhi, and probably us, too."

The four of them start bickering, throwing out reasons why we should or shouldn't go to Strega. I was against the idea when Scar first offered it, but my chess brain, which has more and less been dormant for a while, dusts itself off. It cranks and creaks, but it churns nonetheless, and before I know it, I'm agreeing.

"Let's do it."

Scar offers me a warm smile, her hazel eyes alight with relief. Astrid's stunning sapphire eyes, however, regard me warily.

"Rhi, are you hearing yourself?" Zo says. "You want to willingly go back to Strega? You don't have any protection this time - none of us do."

"We can all take moly," Scar suggests. Her focus lasers in on the hollow of my throat, like she is just now realizing I haven't been wearing my necklace.

Before another argument erupts, I stand. "Lyncus will be there. If anyone can tell us about Threads and how to cloak them, it's him. Besides, if Circe wanted to hurt me, she could have done it the last time I was there."

"But you had a bargaining chip," B points out. "Lyncus's whereabouts. Now, you have nothing. What's going to stop her from exacting revenge on the only living descendant of her enemy?"

What if I told you that isn't the truth? Circe's words replay in my head. That Scylla and I were as close as sisters, and the man that came between us gave me no choice?

"She won't hurt me," is my answer. "Besides, I don't have a choice. The Moirai are getting impatient, and I need to hold up my end of the Bargain."

Astrid cocks her head. "What do you mean, they're getting impatient? They've come to you a second time?"

I curse internally and chastise myself for letting that slip. "Yes."

Oddly, Astrid doesn't push the issue, and we all agree to go to Strega on Saturday.

It isn't until the next morning, on my way to my first class, that Astrid ambushes me. She roughly grabs my arm and pulls me into one of stairwells between floors.

"I need to talk to you."

"Good morning to you too, Astrid." I roll out my shoulder that she nearly dislocated. "One of these days, you have to tell me how someone with your height and features moves -"

"What the fuck is going on?" She's in my face, voice harsh and unforgiving.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Rhi. I gave you a fucking pass because of everything that happened last year. We all did. But you weren't the only one who suffered. Who lost someone. And now, you're doing it again."

I stiffen. "Doing what?"

Her sapphire eyes harden, glinting in the golden rays streaming through the arched window above us, and she looks every inch like the ruthless creature who turned men to stone with a mere glance.

"Keeping fucking secrets. There's more to what's going on with you and the Moirai. Fuck, there's more going on between you and Nick, but you're so wrapped up in your own tragic love story that you don't see how it's destroying the girl I love, Nick's own sister, and one of your fucking best friends."

People slow their pace and stare. I expect Astrid to tell them to fuck off, but she keeps her stony, vicious gaze on me .

"Not here," I whisper. "Come with me."

I turn and head back to my room, Astrid right on my heels. Zo has a full schedule today, so I know we'll have privacy.

The minute the door closes behind us, Astrid is in my face again, but I still can't bring myself to say the words. If Nick and my push and pull is destroying Scar now, then what will happen when she finds out her brother will die by my hand?

"I can't." It comes out in a sorrowful exhale.

Astrid's mouth presses in a tight line, and she shakes her head. "Gods, Rhi. Are you ever going to fucking learn? Was Liv's death not enough?"

That sentence triggers a minefield in my brain, and I explode. "What do you want me to say, Astrid? You want me to admit that Liv's death is my fault? Fine. I tear myself apart every fucking day and night because of that, but it won't ever be enough. I know that. I shouldn't have kept the secrets I did. I shouldn't have chosen Nick that night. I should have never chosen Nick, and not just because of Liv. Because if I tell you my secret, the one you're so desperate to unearth, not only will you hate me, but it will kill Scarlett, too. And I won't let that happen."

Astrid's normally stoic facade cracks. "What do you mean, Rhi?" Her voice shakes, but whether it's from sadness or unbridled rage at what I just told her, I can't tell.

"I'm fucking cursed, Astrid. That's all you need to know."

I turn my back on her, hoping she'll leave. Hoping she'll give up on this futile attempt to extract my worst-kept secret after I told her it will destroy the girl she loves. Instead, she laughs dismally.

"Cursed?" It's a whisper so deadly, it might as well have venom-tipped blades. "What do you know about being cursed, Rhi?"

At that, I face her, bracing myself for the storm I sense on the verge of crashing to the shore. I'm not without my own rage, my own hurt, as well. We're two destructive forces clashing against one another. An ocean and a storm.

"Do you know Medusa's backstory?" she asks with an eerie calm. Before I can answer, Astrid goes on. "Medusa was beautiful, so beautiful in fact, that she was coveted by Poseidon, whom she scorned. To escape his wrath, she fled to Athena's temple and begged the goddess for sanctuary. Poseidon entered anyway and raped Medusa right on the temple floor. One would think that the supposed Goddess of Wisdom would be enraged, or at least empathetic." Astrid shakes her head. "But no. Athena was disgusted and blamed Medusa for bringing her suffering upon herself. She cursed Medusa to her monster form. It's because of Athena that any man that looked upon Medusa would turn to stone.

"It's because of Athena, that I am cursed, Rhi." She holds up her gloved hands. "Do you have any idea what it's like to not be able to touch the person you love? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in fear, wondering if by some freak accident I'll touch Scar and doom her forever? She fought for me, Rhi. Harder than anyone ever did. I pushed everyone away, because how could I allow myself that happiness? How could I allow myself to be with someone knowing that my hands could never comfort them, only kill them? But Scar fought, and I let her in. And I live in fear every fucking day of my life that these cursed hands will be her downfall. Her destruction. But I can't live without her, Rhi. I just fucking can't."

An unending stream of tears trickle down my face. Astrid doesn't need tears to convey her heartache. She did it through her words and the soft tremor in her voice as she tore her bleeding heart from her chest.

I don't offer words of comfort or understanding, though. Because that's not what she wants. Impassive Astrid, who rarely expresses any form of emotion if not for Scarlett, has just bared her heart, her worst fears .

And now she wants me to do the same.

"I'm going to kill him, Astrid." I bite down on the cushion of my bottom lip until I taste blood. The harsh reality doesn't lessen each time I say those words. If anything, it feels like I'm bringing the impending disaster forward faster.

Her gold brows draw together in confusion, but her eyes hold disbelief. "I don't understand."

"Nick." My lips tremble when I say his name, and more tears spill onto my cheeks. "His prophecy is that he will love me, but I will only destroy him. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but that's why I've tried to stay away from him."

"To keep him safe." She pauses, once again staring at her hands. "From you."

Astrid's eyes meet mine in a moment of understanding, before she pulls me forward and wraps her arms around me. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I sob heavily in her arms, pulling back only to sit and tell her everything. The real Bargain with the Moirai and how I was attacked after Atropos stole my pendant. The Harbinger in the library. My back and forth with Nick and how he seems hell bent on self-destruction by constantly forcing himself in my presence, including how he rescued me when I was attacked by Silas .

"He won't give up on you, Rhi. Him and Scarlett are siblings, after all. They share that same stubborn trait," Astrid tells me with a sad smile.

"A part of me wishes he would. I thought he hated me, and maybe a part of him does, but he still finds a way to insert himself in my life. That's why if I can fulfill my end of the Bargain, at least I know I won't be the one who kills him, and maybe he and I will have a chance."

"You love him." It's not a question.

There will be no one else. Not for you. Not for him. In this life or the next.

I heave a weary sigh. "I'm not sure the word ‘love' encompasses what I feel for him. I've wrenched apart my soul to be away from him in the hope that it would save him. If I could, I'd change the deal I made with the Moirai. I'd tell them to take me instead."

Astrid's eyes widen. In another rare moment of compassion, she grabs my hand. "We aren't going to lose you too, Rhi. We aren't going to lose Nick, either."

I study her for a moment. "You're going to tell Scarlett."

"I have to. Not right away, but she needs to know."

"She'll hate me."

"No, she won't. She's going to be devastated, but I'm not sure hate is something Scarlett is capable of, especially when it comes to the people she loves." She squeezes my hand in hers. "You're one of those people, Rhi."

"Let me do it," I say. "Let me tell her myself. You can be there, too, but I want to do it."

Astrid nods immediately. "Fine. We'll do what we need to do at Strega this weekend, and you will tell her after."

"Ok," I answer reluctantly.

Astrid gives me another unexpected hug, and then we both leave to attend our remaining classes.

I should feel lighter, given I was able to unload more of my baggage onto yet another person, but it felt more like a transference of anguish. Astrid's heartbreak was so poignant, it only served to agitate my own, coupled with the fact that I can't bear to know my friends are hurting. All of Astrid's mannerisms and her aloof personality make perfect sense in this new light. It's not for lack of empathy or compassion, it's lack of choice on her part. It's the sacrifice she makes to keep people safe from herself, a sacrifice I know all too well.

Yet, even Astrid gave in to her weakness and chose to be with Scarlett. I wonder if I've wasted precious time trying to push Nick away to protect him, when instead I should have spent every waking moment with him. Soak in his warmth and laughter as much as possible before I lose it forever.

I shake my head. No. I won't lose him. I'll fulfill my end of the Bargain, and if I can't, if it comes down to it, I'll make another offer and force the Moirai to accept. An offer I should have made in the first place.

My life for his.