23. Raven

23

RAVEN

V innie and I get dressed in silence, and I can't help but notice that my panties are no longer wearable. No big deal. I throw them in the trash can next to my bathroom and slide on my jeans commando.

Such a stark difference from when we undressed. That was quick and frantic and primal.

Now we're acting as if we're dressing to get ready to go to work. Slowly and methodically.

And silently.

I hope Vinnie doesn't regret what happened between us, because I certainly don't. The sex was phenomenal, and it was with a man who is probably the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on—and that's saying a lot considering my brothers are all extremely good-looking and I've had more than a few boyfriends who were bona fide hotties.

Vinnie Gallo is in a category all by himself.

He could be walking runways in New York and Paris, modeling the latest fashions from top designers.

It's funny that he doesn't look a lot like Savannah. They have something of a sibling resemblance, but Savannah's skin is fair, and she has a spray of freckles across her nose. She's pretty in a best-friend's-sister kind of way. I have no idea what their other brother looked like—and I could never ask to see a picture. That would be bringing up memories for Vinnie and Savannah that I'm sure are better left buried.

But Vinnie himself…

He makes those men on People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" covers look average.

And his body…

Damn.

Shoulders so broad and muscular and a chest so hard, with nipples like dark brown coins that respond every time I touch them.

His abs. The perfect sixpack, leading to a black bush framing a big beautiful cock.

His ass—perfectly formed and leading to hard thighs and thick calves and big feet with perfect square nails.

There's just nothing wrong with that man at all.

And he wanted me .

Granted, I was considered quite a beauty in my day, but right now I'm thin. Too thin. And I have no hair.

But for some reason, Vinnie wanted me. I will be thinking about this encounter with him long after today.

I'll also be breaking that date with Brick Latham.

Not that I expect Vinnie to ask me out. But it wouldn't be fair to Brick when my thoughts are elsewhere.

Maybe I'll call CJ. She wants to get together on Sunday, but I'd like to see her before then. I'm not supposed to be driving, but I can always take a rideshare or a cab. Maybe I could get Mom to drive me, although driving all the way into an Austin suburb is a two-hour project.

I'll take a rideshare.

When we're finally dressed, Vinnie reaches his hand to me, and I take it. We walk in silence through my house to the doorway, where he opens it for me. I lock up, and we walk to the car where he opens the passenger-side door for me.

The drive is silent as well, save for me telling him where to turn to get to my parents' house.

When he finally pulls into the driveway, the gravel crunching beneath the tires of his car, he turns off the engine and looks at me. "I want you to know that I wish I could see you again," he says.

My eyes widen as my heart sinks to my tummy. "So you're saying you won't see me again?"

He closes his eyes and leans over the steering wheel. "It's not that I don't want to, Raven. I could say tonight shouldn't have happened, but we both know that would be a lie. I wanted it. I took what wasn't mine to take."

I place my hand over his. "You didn't take anything, Vinnie. I gave myself to you, and I'd do it again."

He smiles, but it's a sad smile. "You're so beautiful. So sweet and good." He looks into my eyes for a moment and then casts his gaze to the floor of his car. "And I'm…"

"I know what you do for a living, Vinnie. It's not like I went into this blind."

He doesn't reply at first. Simply licks his full lips, looks out the windshield, and then back to me. "Tonight meant more to me than I can even find words to describe," he says. "Thank you."

I shake my head. "Thank you? I don't think anyone's ever thanked me for sex before."

"I'm not thanking you for the sex, Raven, although it was fantastic."

I smile. "It was."

I expect him to continue, but when he doesn't, I prompt him. "What exactly are you thanking me for then?"

He lets out a sigh and rakes his fingers through his hair. "I'm thanking you for being you. And for allowing me to escape, if only for an hour or two."

His words clamp around my heart like a fist. "So that's what you're saying? That I was only an escape to you?"

"Fuck no!" He shakes his head. "That's not what I'm saying at all. You are so much more than escape. You are someone I could…"

"You could what?"

He takes a deep breath in and then sighs. "I can't allow myself to go there. Not with what I have in front of me. But maybe someday, Raven. Maybe someday."

"Vinnie, what exactly are you getting at?"

He looks at me then. Really looks at me with those dark eyes. I swear to God he has X-ray vision, and he's seeing straight into my heart. "What I'm saying is this can't happen again. As much as I want it—and I do want it, Raven—I'm not good for you. We both know that."

I cross my arms. "Who are you to decide what's good for me? Isn't that my decision?"

"Of course it is. But it's my decision as well. And I'm afraid it can't go on."

I scoff. "Whatever. If you're intent on punishing yourself for some unknown crime by keeping yourself from something that you want, far be it from me to change your mind." I unclick the door and begin walking to the house.

When I get to the door, I expect for Vinnie to be behind me. I expect a hug. A kiss. I expect something.

But the man who has been a consummate gentleman all night is still seated in his car.

He stays. His headlights light the lawn, and I realize he's waiting for me to get inside safely.

He's not coming back.

I push the key into the door and walk inside my parents' house. I go to the kitchen, pour myself a large glass of water, go to my room, take my medication, go to the bathroom, and then lie down in my bed.

And I cry myself to sleep.

* * *

In the morning, I sleep in for a few hours. When I finally make my way to the bathroom to take a shower, I'm disgusted by the look on my face.

My eyes are puffy, and my nose is red from the crying I did last night over Vinnie Gallo.

Believe it or not, it's been a while since I've cried.

When I was first diagnosed, I bawled my eyes out. So did Mom, and even Dad shed some tears. Hawk, Eagle, and Robin all cried as well.

And Falcon?

Well, he was in prison, so I don't know if he cried. I couldn't visit him to tell him the news. I had Hawk tell him.

And I never asked Hawk what my older brother's reaction was.

I couldn't take it.

I cried my eyes out that first night. Then I realized that crying wasn't going to help me. The only thing that would help me was me . I had to get into a fighting mindset, and my God, there were times I wanted to throw in the towel. Times I wanted to slit my wrists just to be done with the pain.

But I didn't.

I fought.

I took every small step I could take on the road to recovery, and even when I was told, after the worst round of chemo yet, that I wasn't in remission and the only chance was a bone marrow transplant, I still didn't cry.

Why should I? I had four siblings. One of them was bound to be a match.

And one of them was.

The transplant worked. I'm in remission. My hair is growing back. I feel… good .

How many people in the world must take for granted how good actually feels?

Because when you don't feel good? All you want is to feel normal again. Even those days when you're only a little bit sick, and you don't feel perfect… When you're chronically ill with a catastrophic illness, you beg for those days.

I get into the shower, scrub my face clean, and then, when I'm done washing my hair and my body, I turn the shower to cold.

And I stand there.

Letting the cold water pelt me.

It will ease the swelling of my eyelids, ease the redness on my face.

Because you know what it also does?

It wakes me up.

It resets me, as if I'm a computer.

Back to normal Raven. The Raven who is grateful for her second chance at life.

Raven, who would never cry over a man.

Once I'm out of the shower and dried off, I dress in black leggings and an oversized white sweatshirt. When I look in the mirror, I realize my legs look too thin. What the hell? Leggings are comfortable, and I like them. My legs will fill out. I've been eating well.

For the first time in a while, I actually apply some blush and a light color of lipstick.

No mascara, of course, because I don't have eyelashes yet. But even with my peach-fuzz head, when I look in the mirror, I see some remnants of what I used to look like.

My cheeks are not as hollow as they were. And they'll continue to fill out.

Though my legs are thin, I see they're shapely.

I see the Raven I used to be.

I'll never be that same Raven, but I will look like her again. It won't take as long as it seems.

I head down, and Mom is in the kitchen cleaning up from breakfast. "Hey," she says. "You got back from Falcon's pretty late last night."

Except I wasn't at Falcon's. "Yeah, we had some nice talks. That's why I slept in a little."

Mom dries a plate and places it in the cupboard. "You should be sleeping, Ray. You know none of us expect you to be up before dawn like the rest of us."

"I want to be. I want to be part of the family again. I want to get back to normal."

Mom frowns. "Don't force it, Raven. You're still healing."

She's not wrong, and she's right that I shouldn't force it. But last night…

My mother has no idea what I did last night, but it took a lot of strength, and I was glad to use it.

Even if Vinnie doesn't want to see me again…

Nope. Not going there. I don't want to start bawling again.

But already I know I won't.

Because even though I'm not sick anymore—thank God—my mindset is the same. Crying doesn't do anyone any good. So no longer will I cry over Vinnie Gallo.

"Can I make you some breakfast?" Mom asks.

"Maybe just two scrambled eggs and a piece of toast," I say.

"Coming right up." I clear my throat. "I think I'll go to Austin today to see CJ."

Mom raises an eyebrow. "Have you been cleared to drive yet?"

"No, but I'll just call an Uber."

"That's an awful long Uber ride. I can take you."

I shake my head. "That would take your whole day. Dad needs you here. I can take an Uber. I'll be home by suppertime."

"If you're sure." Mom grabs some eggs and bread out of the fridge.

"I'm sure, but thanks for the offer, Mommy."

I see her back quiver a bit when I use the word "mommy." It's what we all called her when we were kids, but once we hit our teens, we never used it anymore. So she gets a little emotional on the rare occasion that we do.

A few minutes later, she slides my breakfast in front of me, along with a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice.

I'm not a big orange juice fan—my love of Orange Crush notwithstanding—but I drink it. I drink it because my mother thinks it's the most nutritious beverage in the world, even though, like most fruit juice, it's full of sugar. It's also full of vitamins, I guess, so I'll give her this one.

Once I'm back at my own place, I'll be nixing the OJ.

I eat my breakfast quickly, even though I'm not very hungry. Not that I lost my appetite or anything. I ate a huge piece of lasagna last night at Falcon and Savannah's place.

I'm just a little bummed about the way Vinnie left things.

I force myself to eat because I know I'll feel better soon. I don't let myself feel bad anymore.

Once I'm done with my breakfast, Mom collects my plate and empty glass of OJ, and she gives me a smile, leaving me with my coffee. I grab my phone to text CJ.

I'm coming into Austin today and would love to see you. Lunch?

She texts me right back.

Thought you couldn't drive.

I'm calling an Uber.

Perf! Actually today is a great day. The kids are at school, and I have very few chores for Mrs. P. Come to the house and I'll make us a delicious lunch. This house has so much food in it, and I'm allowed to use whatever I want.

She's okay with you having guests?

Absolutely. At least while the kids aren't home. When they're home, she's pretty clear that they're my priority, but she also made it clear that her home is my home, and I should feel free to have friends over. Just no overnight guests.

Great. I'm going to catch an Uber soon and I'll let you know when I'm on my way.

Fabulous. I'll see what I can pull together for lunch. Can't wait to see you!

I text back a smiley emoji and then turn back to Mom. "I'm going to order my Uber. It'll be a long drive, so I'm going to go ahead and get moving."

"All right, Raven. If you need anything at all, you know who to call."

"I know. Thanks." I rise, take my cup of coffee, and head back to my room, where I pull up the Uber app to order a ride. It usually takes at least a half hour to get an Uber to come into the ranch, and just as I suspected, today is no different. I have forty-five minutes before the driver arrives, so I settle in with my cup of coffee, and I grab a book off my shelf.

But I stare at the pages, the words never reaching my brain.

I'm lost in fantasy about last night.

And Vinnie Gallo.