19. Raven

19

RAVEN

I t's been years since I've kissed a man.

Years since I've wanted to.

When you're sick, the last thing on your mind is kissing and sex. All you can think about is getting better, and you're willing to give up anything—and I mean anything —to make it happen.

You make deals with God. With whatever higher power you believe in. You make promises. Promises you'll never be able to keep.

You leverage everything you can, anything in the world to get better.

To not leave this earth.

To not die.

And now I'm kissing this man.

The most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on. A man who could have any woman. Women with hair.

My hair will grow back. It's already well on its way. This morning I saw the beginnings of my eyelashes and eyebrows in the mirror.

I'll even be happy to see my pubic hair.

All those hairs I used to pluck out, shave, trim—everything I hated, everything that made me feel like the link between man and the ape.

Now I look at that hair in a totally different way.

Vinnie's lips are so soft, yet they kiss me with a hardness I'm not sure I've ever experienced. But not hardness in a bad way. In his kiss, I feel how he wants me. How he's attracted to me.

And it's crazy, you know? Crazy that he would want me.

But he does.

And I love the feeling. I love the feeling of being beautiful again. I may not be beautiful to myself when I look in the mirror, but I'm beautiful to Vinnie. Why would he be kissing me otherwise?

He slides his tongue farther into my mouth, and my God, he has a big tongue. I swear he's searching every corner of my mouth, and I'm loving every minute of it. I twirl my tongue with his, desperately seeking something.

Something…

And I know what it is.

I know what it is because my nipples are hard. My pussy is throbbing. My legs are weak, my knees unsteady.

I remember this feeling.

And damn…

I was ready to give everything up so I could live.

But who can live without this feeling? This incredible feeling of the meeting of two hearts and souls?

Or at least of two bodies.

I'm not sure his heart is involved, even if mine may be.

The kiss lingers, and my God, I don't want it to end. I want it only to go on. I want it to lead to the inevitable. Vinnie sliding his lips over every part of my body, Vinnie's cock inside me.

I slide my fingers over his broad shoulders, down his sides, over his hips, and then to the front of him, where I?—

He jerks backward.

"We can't go there," he says.

My hand is still on his crotch. On the giant bulge that proves how much he wants me.

"I understand," I say.

He looks at me, blinking. "I'm not sure you do." He closes his eyes. "It's not that I don't want to, Raven. Your beauty is… It had to be carved in the heavens. No one on earth could create something like you."

I stand there, my mouth agape. I don't know what to say to him. I'm bald. Hairless. Still kind of skinny.

But he sees something.

Easy to see what I see in him. He's a god. Dark hair, dark eyes. His Italian blood is so much more evident than Savannah's is. He's a gorgeous Mediterranean Italian man.

Hair even thicker than my brothers'.

"In another world," he continues. "Another time, another place… I'd love to explore something with you."

"I know about your engagement," I say. "I don't care, Vinnie."

He shakes his head and takes a step back. "That's not even what I'm talking about. I don't plan to marry that girl. I've got seven years before she comes of age, and she's not going to want to be married to a man over forty at that point."

Vinnie's already so good-looking. In his forties? When a little more silver starts to show at his temples and he has some more crinkly laugh lines around his eyes? His stubble turns to salt-and-pepper?

He'll be even more good-looking.

"But you told me to break my date," I say.

He frowns. "I did. I shouldn't have."

"The tone of your voice. It was… It made me want to obey you. Made me want to break the date."

"I had no right to say that to you."

"But you did, Vinnie. Why?"

He takes another step back and rubs at his lips. "Because, damn it. Don't you see? There's something about you, Raven. Something is pulling me toward you. And I should never have indulged myself. Never should've kissed you."

I take a step forward, cocking my head. "So you regret it?"

"God no."

"Then what is it, Vinnie?" I place a hand on his chest. "I'm not asking you for anything. You're the one asking me for something. You're asking me to break my date."

"Raven, if you want to go out with that lawyer, then go out with him." He draws in a deep breath.

I bite my lip. "I don't want to. What if I tell you I'd like to go out with you instead?"

"Then I'd be the happiest man on earth." He looks down. "And also the worst man on earth."

I grab his hands. "You're not your family, Vinnie. I know that. Falcon and Savannah know that."

"Damn it, Raven." He whips his hands out of mine. "You shouldn't even be involved in this."

"I'm sure my brothers agree with you. But I am involved. I'm not some weak little woman who has to be protected."

"None of us think that."

I can't resist rolling my eyes. "Don't you? You're thinking it now."

"I'm not," he says. "I just… You've already been through the wringer." He gazes deep into my eyes. "I couldn't bear it if something ever happened to you."

A chill runs down my back. "You want me. I can't believe it, but you seem to."

"How could you not believe it?"

I don't answer him. Instead I run my hand over my head.

He steps toward me, caressing my cheek. "You're much more than any head of hair, Raven. Your beauty shines from within. Sure, you have fine features—a classic beauty by anyone's standards." He drops his hands and wraps them around my waist. "There's something more. Something underneath that makes you glow. Maybe it's your new lease on life. Or maybe it's just you , Raven. All I know is I've never seen anything like it. Never felt what I'm feeling right now."

I take a step back, my mouth agape. I can't believe a man as attractive as Vinnie just said those things to me. Me, a woman in recovery from a deadly disease, who is starting to look better but still has a long way to go.

"I'm truly beautiful to you?" I ask.

"God, yes." He moves forward and cups both my cheeks. Stares straight into my eyes. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. I thought so the first time I saw you. I even mentioned it to Falcon and Savannah."

"You haven't seen my sister yet," I tell him.

He chuckles. "You think that matters? I'm sure your sister is beautiful. I'm sure your mother's beautiful. I mean, she'd have to be to produce you. But I'm not just talking about your outer beauty. Surely you know that."

"You don't even know me." I look down. "How do you know what I'm like on the inside?"

He tips my chin up. "I can't explain it. Just something I felt the first time I laid eyes on you. The feeling has only grown as I've gotten to know you. When you asked me to describe the wine tonight. When I watched you eat a bite of ice cream." He cracks a small, sweet smile. "You're just so…perfect." His smile vanishes and he looks away. "Which is why you don't belong in my life."

I draw in a deep breath. "First, I'm not perfect."

"I don't mean perfect perfect." He rakes his hands through his hair. "I don't know how to explain it. I don't think there's a word in the English language. I know you're not perfect. I know you aren't infallible. No one is. But to me… When I look at you… It's like I see the person I've never even allowed myself to dream about."

Oh my God…

If he weren't holding me, I think I might swoon.

For someone who claims he can't find the word in the English language, he certainly knows how to use all the others.

I touch his stubbled cheek, scrape my fingernails over it. "I'll break the date."

He widens his eyes, but then his lips turn downward. "I can't offer you anything. I'm not in any position to."

"Did I ask you for anything?"

"No, but this lawyer fellow. He might be looking for a relationship. He might be able to give you things that I can't."

"Vinnie," I say, "I'm not asking for anything except for today. For this moment. How could I ask for anything else? For years, I wasn't sure I'd even have a future." I gaze up at the night sky, take in every shining star. "I have one now, and I'm determined to enjoy every single second of it. If that means not looking past tomorrow, so be it." I return my gaze to his. "Right now, that kiss you gave me… It was unlike anything I've ever experienced, and while it has been a while, I have kissed a lot of men. So in this moment? My only desire is to kiss you again."

He groans. A groan that sounds almost like a growl.

Then he pulls me to him and crushes his mouth to mine.