17. Raven

17

RAVEN

I love the feeling of being full.

I finished my entire square of lasagna.

It was a big heavy square.

For so long, I had no appetite. I didn't want to eat, and when I did eat, I ate disgusting hospital food. Half the time it didn't even stay down.

Since I've been feeling better, I've learned to enjoy the taste of food again. The feeling of having a full tummy.

It's been wonderful.

Vinnie and Falcon are talking across the table about some bourbon that Vinnie wants Falcon to try.

I of course can't drink. While the rest of them are enjoying a bottle of Chianti, my wine glass is filled with water.

That's fine. I was never a big drinker anyway. But I did enjoy wine.

That was something Falcon and I had in common. He and Mom were supposed to go on this big wine tour the year after he graduated from college.

That didn't happen, of course. It didn't happen because Falcon went to prison.

Mom canceled the wine tour, but the next summer, she asked me to accompany her.

I loved it. I had never been quite as much of oenophile as Falcon was, but after that wine tour in France and Italy, I learned to love the elixir of grapes as much as my mother and Falcon did. I always felt bad that he missed that special trip with Mom. Robin had no interest in going to wine country. She went to Barbados with a group of college friends instead.

When there's a lull in the conversation, I turn to Vinnie. "Do you like wine, Vinnie?"

He raises his eyebrows at me.

"I mean, I see your glass is empty."

"Oh, Vinnie, I'm sorry." Savannah grabs the wine bottle. "Did you want some more?"

"No," he says. "I'm fine. I had two drinks with Falcon before dinner, and I have to drive home." Then he turns to me. "But to answer your question, yes. I like wine. When I was in Europe, I drank a lot of wine. Especially in France and Italy. Some Spanish wines were really great too. But what really surprised me were the Portuguese wines. Some of them were quite good."

I nod, trying to mask my admiration for Vinnie's worldliness. "I used to love wine. I toured French and Italian wine country with my mother the summer after I finished college. It's something I miss."

"You'll be able to drink again soon," Savannah says. "Right?"

"Yeah. Once I'm off these higher dosages of medication. I should be able to have a glass or two."

"Do you like Italian wine?" Vinnie asks.

"Yeah. I think I like it better than French wine, which I know is heresy."

Vinnie smiles at me, and I feel a pulse between my legs.

"I do too," he agrees.

"So do I," Falcon says.

"Tell me about the Chianti," I say to Vinnie. "Tell me what I'm missing."

Savannah examines the label of the bottle. "This is just a regular Chianti I found in the liquor store in downtown Summer Creek. It's nothing special."

"But it was perfect with this lasagna," Vinnie says. "You don't always need to have the best wine. Sometimes an easily drinkable wine can perfectly complement the meal you're serving." He leans toward me, smiling gently. "I think you would've liked it, Raven. It was acidic, so it went great with the tomato sauce. And it had basic Chianti notes of fresh berries and red fruit. It was delicious."

I close my eyes, imagining the wine floating over my tongue. "It sounds amazing." When I open my eyes again, all three of them are staring at me. "What?"

"You just look so peaceful," Falcon says. "It's good to see, Ray."

I sigh. "I just appreciate everything so much more now. Not that I would wish this on any of you guys, but I almost feel like I've been given a gift. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener. And the thought of Chianti flowing over my tongue is that much more exciting. It will be wonderful when I can finally take a drink of it myself."

"How long will that be?" Vinnie asks.

"If I continue to do well, the doctors will wean me off my medication."

"And you will continue to do well," Falcon says.

"I will," I assert.

One thing I learned during cancer treatment is that attitude is everything. There were times it wasn't possible to stay as positive as I would've liked, but I did my best. I never thought of myself as sick or dying.

And now I'm not.

I'm alive. Thanks to my brother for the most part. But I like to think my willingness to fight helped quite a bit, too. The bone marrow transplant was not guaranteed to work.

"Did anyone save room for dessert?" Savannah asks.

I give her a smile. "Yes. Never again will I forgo dessert. I want to appreciate the small things in life. And if it means I weigh a few more pounds than I did before I got sick, so be it."

"I love that attitude," Savannah says. "But dessert isn't much. It's just vanilla bean ice cream with raspberries."

I close my eyes, imagining the creamy vanilla and the sweetness of the raspberries. "It sounds perfect."

"How about you, Vinnie?" Savannah asks. "You want dessert?"

"I should pass," he says. "I need to get back. It's a long drive to Austin."

"I understand," Savannah says. "But you need to come by more often, Vinnie. I don't want to miss any more of my big brother than I already have."

"You know what then?" Vinnie flashes a smile—God, he's so damned good-looking—at Savannah. "I will have dessert. It's not like I'm watching my weight. What's a couple more minutes?"

Savannah smiles at him. "That's great, Vinnie."

"You need help?" I ask.

"Nope. Just sit down. I'll have it over to all of you guys in a jiffy."

A moment later, Savannah slides a dish with two scoops of vanilla bean ice cream dotted with fresh raspberries in front of me.

I don't wait until someone else starts. Once everyone is served, I take a spoonful of the ice cream along with a raspberry and slide it between my lips.

The vanilla, the cream, the sweet tanginess of the raspberry. It's all so perfect and wonderful.

When I open my eyes, Vinnie is staring at me. I widen my eyes at him.

"I'm sorry. It's just… Watching you eat is really mesmerizing."

I blink a few times. "Oh?"

Vinnie presses his lips together as a small rush of pinkness hits his cheeks. "I mean… Yeah. The way I said it sounds weird. But what I mean is it's fascinating watching you appreciate every bite. Taking the time to savor something as simple as vanilla ice cream with some berries. I think the world could learn a lot from you, Raven."

A cozy warmth envelops my entire body, especially my face. "I'm no different from anyone else who's survived this horrible disease. I'm one of the lucky ones, honestly. A lot of people don't make it." I swallow back a rush of emotion as it hits my core. "And I'm just…so thankful ."

"You're really something," he says.

His words make my cheeks heat further. Make my tummy flutter. I'm surprised the heat from my body isn't melting the ice cream in front of me. Vinnie makes that place between my legs—that place I haven't let myself think about in so long—want something.

Something I never thought I'd want again.

I always had a healthy sex drive. But then the treatment—the chemo especially—made my libido wane significantly. That coupled with the sheer exhaustion of trying to stay alive while my sickness ravaged my body rendered me numb to any sort of sexual feeling for the longest time.

"Thank you," I say. "I guess."

"To be fair," Falcon says, "this is really good ice cream."

That gets a laugh out of everyone at the table.

I take another bite, shyly looking away from Vinnie.

Still I feel his gaze on me. It's hot and raw.

And I wonder if he feels the same thing I do.

Probably not. I'm bald. And still recovering from cancer.

But for a moment I wish things were different.

And I wish I hadn't accepted that date with Brick Latham.

But the chances of someone as good-looking as Vinnie looking my way?

They're not good.

We finish our ice cream, and all four of us take our dishes over to the counter.

"You need any help?" Vinnie asks.

And I like him even more.

Savannah raises an eyebrow. "Wow, you did change over in Europe." She lets out a humorless chuckle. "No man in our family would ever think of asking if he could help clean up the dishes."

"Our family is going to change, Sav." Vinnie stacks a few plates and gathers some silverware off the table. "You can bet your life on that."

"Well, I appreciate you asking, but I've got this covered." Savannah takes the stack of plates and starts rinsing them off in the sink. "Go on downstairs and relax."

"Actually," I say, "I should be getting home. If you don't mind, Falcon."

"Of course not, Ray."

"I could take you," Vinnie says.

My cheeks warm once more.

He scratches the side of his head. "I mean, I'm going anyway. Like I said, I have to get moving. It's a long drive to Austin."

"I would take you a little out of your way," I say. "Mom and Dad's place is on the other side of the ranch."

"I don't mind. And it will save you a trip, Falcon. Since I'm leaving anyway."

The thought of being alone in a car with Vinnie scares me.

And not in a bad way.