30. Paige

30

PAIGE

I don't want to see anyone, but I don't want to get cooped up in my room. God, this thing with Kael is driving me nuts, as is having Da in the hospital.

There just seems I have no mental capacity for anything else. Eating, sleeping, and peopling are so low on my priorities, I have no idea how I'm even functioning.

But I don't really want to be alone right now. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole existing in my brain that takes me through unending labyrinths of unanswerable questions.

As we approach the mansion, my mind is still a mess, and I have no idea what I'll do.

Lara, on the other hand, perks up as soon as we get home, seeming wired.

She's practically bouncing on her feet. "The last two coffees I drank just kicked in. Why don't we have some mimosas with Bree?"

"Bree can't have mimosas."

"She can have virgin ones." She grins at me. "Just like you...wait. Like you used to be. "

"Don't." I hit her in the arm, looking around.

She laughs. "Why not? Declan's at the hospital, and Gray's in his office working."

Kael has disappeared, likely going to the gym downstairs. That guy works out all the time.

"Do you think it's right? To be drinking and watching movies while Da..." I lower my head, biting my lip.

Lara frowns at me. "Da would want us to live our lives, Paige. He'd want us to try and go back to normal. He'd want us to believe that he'll get better."

"But after what the doctor said?—"

"After that, we need something to distract us. Come." She takes my arm and all but drags me up the stairs to the movie room. She sends a text to Bree, and Bree meets us there, smiling and hugging me.

"How are you feeling?"

"As well as can be expected." I sit down in one of the big chairs while Lara makes mimosas, some with soda water instead of champagne for our pregnant sister-in-law.

"I heard about what the doctor said." Her smile fades. "We'll all talk about it soon, make a decision. This isn't just on you guys, I'll help talk it through, too."

Lara turns from where she's fixing our drinks. "Of course, you will. You're part of the family." She looks at me, half-smiling. "I think you should tell her your news, Paige."

I glare at Lara. "Shut up."

Bree looks between Lara and me. "Wait, what news?"

"Our baby Paige here—" Lara starts, but I rush over to her and clamp a hand over her mouth. She promptly licks my palm, and I grimace and yell, wiping it off on my jeans.

Bree's just laughing at us, doubled over, and I can't help but start to laugh too .

When laughter has all but faded, I sigh. "All right, all right. I'll tell you. But you have to swear not to tell your husband."

"Sister secrets are better kept than husband secrets," she promises, sticking out her pinky so that I can hook it with mine.

I smile. "I lost my virginity to Kael Sullivan."

Bree yelps in excitement and jumps up and down. "Oh. Paige. He's so cute. Congratulations."

"Congratulations? Aren't you going to tell me to be careful? That Declan will kill him?"

Bree waves her hand. "Declan will be pissed, but he can't control your life. Or Kael's. You're a grown woman, Paige, and it's about time you started making your own decisions."

"I guess that's true." Although I'm not sure it was a decision at all, wanting Kael. It seems like it hit me out of nowhere, taking over every part of me.

Bree's eyes are wide and shiny as they lock on mine. "Do you have feelings for him?"

I open my mouth to speak, but Lara scoffs.

"Of course not. He's like, just the first, you know?"

"You always remember your first," Bree says softly.

Lara looks at her. "I mean, I guess that's true, but it's not always a good thing. My first was Sean O'Malley, and he pumped into me for about ten seconds before he came."

I burst out laughing. "Ten seconds?"

"Ten seconds is being generous," Lara drawls, and I can't stop laughing.

Once I finally get it together, Bree hums. "My first was a guy named Michael from out of town. He was really sweet. "

"But you didn't fall in love," Lara says. "I didn't fall in love with Sean. God forbid."

Sean O'Malley's a lanky, bald goof, and I'm not surprised Lara didn't fall for him.

"But Kael isn't like Sean," I point out. "He's good looking, and his family knows ours?—"

Lara's eyes widen as she looks at me, finishing her first mimosa. "You do have feelings for him."

"I can't help it," I whine. "I just... I want him near me all the time. He watches me like a hawk, but I want...I want more."

"Oh, honey," Bree coos. "You're falling in love."

"No, I'm not." The edge of panic to my voice is clear as my throat seems to close up. "I'm not in love with Kael."

Lara turns to Bree. "It could just be puppy love."

Bree hums as if thinking. "Maybe. This is her first…"

I pout. "I'm sitting right here, guys."

Lara pats my knee. "Sorry, honey. But you're young, and this is your first experience. Take some sisterly advice."

"What kind of advice? You haven't given me any yet."

Bree holds my hand. "Really think about it. Search your heart. I lost out on a lot because I didn't realize I was in love with Declan until later."

Lara holds my other hand. "But make sure you guard your heart. Kael's kind of a playboy, you know, and you don't want him to use you."

I huff. "Guys, those are two very different things."

Lara laughs. "That's just the way it goes, Paige. You have to be careful, but you also have to take risks. Deciding which at what time is just a part of life."

I look toward the screen, where someone is slicing up the main character.

I have no idea what to do about Kael.

At dinner, everyone shows up, even Declan, who's taking a break from being at our father's bedside. The doctor assured him that the nurse would call if there was any change, and we're all planning to just visit during the day now.

Kael sits across from me, and Gray sits beside me at dinner.

Marisol brings out a potato casserole with ground lamb that smells amazing. She doesn't eat with us, though, opting to take her dinner up to her room.

Gray follows her out with his eyes. "Marisol is taking Da's attack pretty hard."

Declan nods. "She is."

Lara shrugs. "I don't know why they don't just date already."

Bree gasps.

"It's true," I agree. "They should search their hearts, see if it's right for them."

Bree looks at me, eyebrow raised, and I blush, realizing that I've parroted her words back.

"Either you're in love, or you're not," Gray says flatly. "It's not that complicated."

Declan snorts. "Says the guy who's never been in love."

"Says who? Besides, I'm just saying, it seems pretty simple."

"It's a long way away from simple," Bree pipes in. "But it's wonderful, when it's right." She leans her head on Declan's shoulder, and Gray's face seems to darken for a second, but then he makes gagging sounds.

We all laugh slightly, trying to make it like it was when Da was home, but it rings hollow. He's not here at the head of the table, talking and laughing with us, and his absence is very much felt.

Kael leans forward. "I'm going to address the elephant in the room. What kind of retaliation are we thinking about?"

"Full retaliation," Gray states. "We find Niall Murphy and kill him."

Declan clears his throat, looking over at Bree.

She sighs. "I know he's my father, but if anyone deserves it..."

Declan puts an arm around her. "I know this isn't easy for you, a ghra mo chroi ."

"It's not. But I'm willing to help with whatever you want to do."

I can't imagine being in Bree's position, sitting here listening to my husband's family talking about killing my father. My heart goes out to her. Even though Niall Murphy is a terrible man, he's still her da.

Speaking of… "And what about the ECMO machine?"

Everyone stops eating and looks at me, as if I've said the wrong thing. "We need to decide quickly."

"Fifty percent survival rate sounds awful," Lara says brokenly. "I don't know if we should do it."

"But there's a chance it'll help him come out of it faster," Gray points out. "Isn't that what the doctor said, Declan?"

Declan nods. "I say we give him a fighting chance. Let the doctor do what he thinks is best. And if it's that machine... Well, we'll deal."

"Everyone vote. Agree?"

All of us quietly raise our hands except for Bree and Kael. I suppose they feel like they shouldn't have a vote in something so serious .

I glance over at the head of the table, where another vote would usually be cast.

I miss Da terribly, and I know the rest of my family does, too. I just hope to god whatever decision the doctor makes, it's one that will bring him back to us.