Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

IZZY

W aking up feels like I'm wading through miles of dense fog. I keep trying to fight through the heavy air. Every time I feel like I've made progress, all I continue to see is the same damn fog. After what feels like years of wandering around lost, I'm finally able to grab on to consciousness. I yank it toward me with both hands.

Blinking open my eyes, I slam them shut again when the light feels like a barrage of stinging needles stabbing into my eyeballs. My head is pounding, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Fucking shit. "What the hell did I do last night?" It feels like I have the worst hangover I've ever had, but I know I didn't drink my weight in tequila. I had ghosts to heal and no time to drown myself in alcohol.

"You healed twenty ghosts," Luca tells me from somewhere to my right.

"That explains why I feel like I got run over by a herd of angry llamas. Wait… what?" I struggle to sit up as I realize Luca fucking Nightshade just told me about healing ghosts.

When I'm able to push myself up onto my elbows, I look over at Luca. He's sitting in a wooden chair in front of a reddish wood desk. Luca looks rough, like he hasn't slept in a while. His stubble is approaching a short beard instead of the normal five o'clock shadow, and he's wearing only a pair of jeans. My eyes linger a moment too long on his six-pack, but can you really blame me? His abs are drool-worthy.

"The secret's out, wildcat. We know you're a spirit mage." Luca's aquamarine eyes assess me as I process what he said.

My stomach sinks and twirls. Since I'm already feeling nauseated, the strong emotions are enough to make me puke. I barely have enough time to sprint to the open bathroom door and drop to my knees before I empty my stomach into the toilet bowl. Gentle hands brush my hair out of my face and hold it behind me to keep it clean.

When I'm done heaving, I flush the toilet, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, and mutter " Purgare " to rinse out the taste of vomit. I turn to face Luca, who's kneeling on the bathroom floor in front of me. "How'd you find out?" My voice is hoarse, and talking scratches my throat.

"Your ghost friend told Levi, who told us." Luca's eyes flick between mine, filling with worry at whatever he sees on my face.

I don't respond, instead, sinking down onto the white-and-black penny-tile floor. Lying on my side, I hug myself and pull my knees up to my chest. My cheek is absorbing the chill from the cold tile while hot tears run down it. My bare midsection and legs are also freezing from the floor, and I start shivering.

It's funny what your mind chooses to focus on when everything is falling apart. As I lie on the bathroom floor, I can't help but admire the precise grout lines and wonder how Luca keeps his bathroom so clean. He must have someone clean it for him. Perks of being the alpha, I guess.

Luca lies down on his side on the floor across from me. I get lost in his tropical ocean eyes for a moment. "What's going on in your mind, wildcat?"

"I shouldn't have asked Aggie to get Levi." My voice is flat and monotone. Although I'm crying, I don't really feel much of anything. It probably has to do with my heart shattering the second I realized I failed to keep the wolves safe. I tried so hard, but it didn't work.

Simply being around me will get the wolves killed. The council doesn't just murder spirit mages. They execute anyone who knew about the spirit mage and didn't tell them. I've been working on a potion to give Bishop and my family to make them forget what I am. That way, even the memory readers won't know they knew.

Even after trying for years, I still haven't had any success making a potion that actually works. Now, I have to figure out a potion not just for mages but for the wolves too. I'm starting to lose hope that I'll be able to find a solution.

"You would've died," Luca grits out. Anger and heartbreak war for dominance in his eyes.

"I know. Everyone would be safe if I had." The council can't find out I'm a spirit mage if I'm dead.

"You think we care more about being safe than having you?" Luca asks incredulously.

"I know you will, eventually. You'll get to know me, the shininess will wear off, and you'll realize you could do so much better than me. By then, it'll be too late." I close my eyes as some of the numbness starts wearing off. I don't want to feel. It hurts too much. A whimper gets trapped in my throat, but I press my lips tightly together to stop it from coming out. I'm on the verge of begging Luca to make everything stop hurting, but I refuse to be that weak.

"The mages really did a number on you, wildcat, didn't they?" Luca brushes a strand of my multicolored hair out of my face. He cups my face with one warm hand, and his breath fans over my lips. It wouldn't take much to close the distance between us to kiss him.

"It's not just the other mages. There's clearly something wrong with me, or I wouldn't have been born a spirit mage. I'm rotten on the inside, and my magic reflects it." My voice is barely a whisper as I tell Luca something I've never shared with anyone before. I know my family would try to deny it if I told them, because that's what family does. They ignore all the bad in you and love you, anyway.

"That's… fuck. I don't even know if I have the words to tell you how fucking wrong that is. Just because something's illegal doesn't mean it's immoral. There's nothing wrong with being a spirit mage. Your powers are neutral, just like every other affinity out there. What you do with it is what matters. From what I've seen, you sacrifice everything to help others with your magic."

He's wrong, but I don't have the words right now to tell him how defective I am. Instead, I lean in and press my lips against his to distract him. Since it's my first kiss, I freeze once our lips touch, unsure what to do.

I don't have time to worry about it before Luca takes control of the kiss. With his hand cupping my face, he angles my head the way he wants. Luca's tongue swipes along the seam of my lips, and I part them for him. His tongue darts in to tangle with mine, and we spend who knows how long kissing on his bathroom floor.

Eventually, Luca pulls away. I bite my cheek to keep from asking him to fuck me on the floor right now. Kissing him made all the fear and anger and heartache go away for a little while. I would give almost anything to escape again, even if it's just for a moment. The one thing I'm not willing to risk is forming a mate bond with him.

"As much as I enjoy kissing you, wildcat, you're not in the right headspace for that right now. When I fuck you, it's going to be because you want me. Not because you need a distraction." I gape at Luca, wondering how he knows exactly what I was thinking. Luca chuckles, the deep sound rumbling through me. "You're like an open book, Izzy. Every thought you have flits across your beautiful face. I also did exactly what you're doing when I lost my parents. I tried to fuck the pain away. It didn't work for me, and it's not going to work for you."

"I'm sorry about your parents," I whisper. There's no point in denying anything he said because he's absolutely correct about what I was considering. "What helped the pain go away?"

Luca sighs and briefly closes his eyes. When he opens them again, I see an ocean of suffering and sadness in the aquamarine orbs. "Honestly? Nothing's helped the pain go away completely. There are still random moments when thinking about my parents absolutely guts me, but I'm also able to remember some of the happy moments without it hurting now. Archer, Cain, and my pack helped me get through the worst of it. Leaning on them when it felt like I could barely get out of bed, much less lead hundreds of people, is what helped the most."

My heart clenches at the pain in Luca's voice. The big wolf is normally closed off and exudes confidence. I had no idea he was hurting so much, but I guess the same could be said for me. No one really knows how much I feel like I'm dying inside on the daily. I wish Luca's solution would work for me, but there's one flaw. "I can't lean on anyone. It just puts them in danger."

"You think I give a fuck about the danger? All I care about is you. All I want to do is help you, if you'd just let me in." Luca cups my face in his hand again, tenderly rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone.

"But I'm not worth it," I tell him in a small voice. The tears that stopped with the kiss start dripping down my cheeks again as I tell him what I know he'll figure out eventually. The good parts of me will never outweigh all the bad. Nothing I do will ever balance out all the danger that's always one wrong move away.

"Oh, wildcat. You are worth it and so much more. If I have to spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how worthwhile you are, I will. Happily." Luca's voice is sincere, and it makes me cry harder. He pulls me into his arms as sobs rack my frame, smooshing my face against his chest. Despite our rocky first interaction, Luca seems like a genuinely good guy. He doesn't deserve getting stuck with me.

I so very badly want to let Luca and the rest of my mates in. I'm so fucking tired of trying to do everything alone. It's been getting harder and harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other lately. I don't know how much longer I can fight, but I do know that I refuse to drag anyone else down with me. I'd rather die in a thousand excruciating ways than see any one of my mates or family hurt.

When things get so much that it feels like I'm being strangled by it all, I just need to remember why I'm doing this. Why I claw my way through each day. Why I take the bullying and taunts. It's because of them. My parents and brothers. Bishop. The wolves. Levi. Every fucking thing I do is for them. When I do die, I want to do it knowing I did everything possible to keep them all safe.

Inhaling Luca's dark, woodsy scent, I shove all of my longing and exhaustion and devastation and agony behind a reinforced door in my mind. I secure it with multiple padlocks and thick chains to make sure the feelings don't get loose again. My tears come to a stop as I stuff down my softer emotions. In their place is an aching hollowness in my chest, but I can deal with it to protect everyone.

When my crying stops, Luca pulls back and looks down at me. His lips tip up on one side as he asks, "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been lying on a tile floor for who knows how long after almost dying." While my snark isn't back in full force, it's better than it was.

Luca snorts. "Then, how about we get up and get you somewhere more comfortable?" I nod at him, and he untangles himself from me. Pushing to his feet, Luca holds out a hand for me. I grab it, knowing this is the last time I can let the big wolf help me. No matter how much I might need it in the future.