30. Hot Tub Therapy

THIRTY

Some people had best friends they talked to about boy issues or family trouble. I had my Gram. Gram was my go-to. We'd always had a bond that I thought was stronger than a typical grandma/granddaughter relationship. She was my person.

Which is why I found myself at her house after putting Lily to bed for the night. Parker was reading to her when I left and he told me to go have a relaxing night.

My grandma was retired and lived on her family farm, which had been passed down from her grandparents through the generations. I spent my childhood adventuring across the creek at family gatherings with my cousins. It felt like Bridge to Terabithia when I was small.We didn't swing on a rope attached to a tree, but I imagine we would've if we were resourceful enough and could reach a branch without asking our parents. We weren't supposed to be down there in the first place so that had been out of the question.

Gram's house sat on top of a large hill in the country on the opposite side of town from my parents. She lived alone and rented out the farmland that surrounded the property. She was rocking back and forth on the porch swing in her swimsuit and robe, expecting me when I pulled in the driveway. Her slipper-clad feet were up on the foot rest and her glasses were low on her nose while she read a book in the dusk light.

"Rough day?" she asked when I sat down with a dramatic sigh.

I relaxed into the curved wood next to her, and the chains clinked as we kicked off to continue the soothing movement.

"Have you picked up a newspaper today?"

She laughed like that was the most ridiculous question I could have asked. "No, but your mother called me and filled me in, she's worried about you. Want to head down to the tub? I'll grab the snacks."

I puffed out a relieved breath that I didn't have to explain the situation all over again but was also a little embarrassed that my mom had seen it already.

"That would be great."

Gram didn't beat around the bush. She said it like it was, without apology. Her mouth caused my mom to occasionally go without talking to her for a few days but it felt like a kinship we shared. I hated feeling like I needed to censor myself. With Gram there was no need to.

The basement had a walkout patio where Gram kept her hot tub. Cement walls cut into the hill to create a hidden oasis, which had trellises with flowered vines creeping up. In spring and summer it was like a sanctuary. In winter we shoveled snow to make a path to the tub and clear off the top. Then we'd run back out barefoot in our swimming suits, doing high knees to keep our feet off the cold ground while we opened the lid. Fall was the perfect in-between time when the air had the smallest bite that made the bubbling water wrap around you in the coziest hug.

I sunk down into the seat until the water lapped at my collar bone. "We need to do this more often," I said with a satisfied groan as the warmth enveloped me.

"I come out here every night, dear. It's you that needs to visit more often."

"Life's really gotten away from me lately." I fixed my low bun into a messy knot on top of my head to avoid getting wet. "In everything I've written, I never expected this outcome. And now I don't know what to write altogether. I have no motivation."

"Well, honey, maybe you've put off writing this book for a reason." She sipped her Pepsi from the blue can and set her glasses down on the smooth ledge in the marbled surface.

I took a bite out of the pickle she'd wrapped in a paper towel for me and crunched it while I talked. "I don't know how to write about something that isn't over. Or never happened."

"Are things really ever over with someone you love?"

I pondered her question. "Is that how it felt with you and Grandpa? Like it wasn't over?"

"That man could be in a different dimension and I would still feel his presence."

My grandparents divorced well before I was born. Growing up, I didn't even associate them with each other because they made sure to come to birthday parties and holidays opposite each other. Gram would be there for the main event, and Grandpa would come before or after with a Cookies ‘N' Creme candy bar for me. He always got the king size for me, and my mom would say, "Dad, she's just little. She can't have that whole thing." He'd reply, "The hell she can't." Then he'd watch me devour it all. I had special memories featuring both of them but they were always separate.

I was 10 when Grandpa passed away. I didn't put two and two together until Gram was helping Mom pick out flowers for the funeral and I saw her cry.

We started talking about him more. She told me stories about when they were young and madly in love. Gram risked it all and pissed off her family by marrying someone they deemed unfit. Grandpa came from a line of wood carvers. He had big dreams and not always the follow through, but she was along for the ride. Five kids later and the rest was history. I wasn't naive enough to think it was a fairytale since I knew the outcome, but I also knew their love was unlike any other. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice when she talked about him.

"Do you regret it? The divorce, I mean."

"We make decisions and have to make the best of the consequences. Do I wish I hadn't left things unsaid? Every day. I wish he knew how much I loved him, and I wish I could take back some things I said." Her eyes were glassy but she smiled. "Even if the stubborn bastard had them coming."

I was quiet and let her admission soak in. Words had always been hard for me, even though I knew how much they meant to Parker. I held them close to my heart in a cage because of fear. Fear that I wouldn't get them back and they'd be used against me later. It was becoming more and more apparent that I was holding something against him that he wasn't responsible for. He deserved to know how I felt.

"Do I regret the life we had and our children? Never. I don't regret trying and failing. I don't regret falling in love. I don't regret the happiness we shared for decades."

"How were you so brave like that? Weren't you scared."

She laughed. "I was so terrified on our wedding day I almost didn't show up." She reached over to hold my hand in hers. It was smaller and less strong than it used to be. The lines there reflected years of working with her hands, yet they were smooth to the touch, delicate. "Being scared is okay, Del, but it shouldn't stop you from doing the things you want. Think of how many great things would have never happened if everyone gave into fear."

"Being with Parker means leaving this place, leaving you. Would you have left this place if Grandpa wanted to?"

"Oh, in a heartbeat."

"That easily? You'd leave the people who've been there your whole life?"

"Honey, there are planes for a reason. I"ve gotten to live my life and travel everywhere I wanted to. I still travel more than you do, and I"m old. You need to see the places that make your heart full. Do things that make you nervous, they"re usually the ones that make you who you are. Be young and in love, God knows I was. You"re a fool for that man just like I was for your grandpa. I know you"re scared of the unknown but you and Parker aren"t your grandpa and I. You aren"t your parents."

I took her words in, letting her confidence in me replace the fear.

"You got divorced though, Gram. You had a big, crazy love, and it still didn't work. Is marriage what ruined it?"

"Marriage isn't the hard part, Dear. Life is. Life gets in the way sometimes and makes it hard to remember the reasons love is worth the fight."

"You guys lost the fight."

"We did, sweet girl. But that has nothing to do with you and Parker. Nor do your parents. Their issues were their own. You can make this life whatever you want it to be, and the people who love you will support you no matter what." Her foot nudged mine under the water. "And I'm old, not dead. I can visit you in Seattle."

We both giggled, but another thought nagged at the back of my mind. "I already feel undeserving, then on top of it all those articles came out and dragged up every insecurity I have about us being together."

"If you felt deserving of him, he wouldn"t be the one." She relaxed her arms out behind her and let her feet float to the surface. I mirrored her actions like always, toes pruned from the warm water. "People are cruel. That will only happen more in your life with Parker, which you will have since you share Lily. That scrutiny won't go away even if you aren't together. You just have to decide if he's worth it to endure more. People will say things that aren't true to hurt your feelings. That's why you need to work on being kind to yourself."

"Easier said than done."

She lifted a shoulder. "Besides, they're jealous. Can you really blame them? Have you seen your man? I bet he's hung like a horse. Can you spare an old woman some spicy details?"

"Gram!" I cackled into the chilly night air. "Absolutely not."

"Well, it was worth a shot for a bored old bat. Bring me more books next time you stop by. The librarians in town are prudes."

When I got home that night, I held Parker closer than ever. The fact that I could have my person taken from me before telling him how I felt was a horrible thought that bounced around in my brain. I didn't want to waste time anymore. He was here and he was mine.