29. Play with my Hair and Tell me I’m Pretty.

TWENTY-NINE

Imust've fallen asleep because the credits were rolling when I woke up to Parker talking lowly into his phone. My head was in his lap, and his hands were in my hair, lightly massaging the tightly wound muscles at the base of my skull. Lily was snoring softly next to me with my shirt grasped in a small fist. I pulled her in close and let my eyes drift shut while listening to the timbre of Parker's voice.

I didn't want to think about the article or how much worse it could have been if my real secret was discovered. I didn't want Parker to find out this way, but I also wasn't ready to tell him myself. All the article did was reinforce why I didn't let people in. Someone had leaked that information.

"She's okay, Mom." He was quiet while Maria continued. "No, you don't need to come over." Another pause. "Okay, I will."

I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to ruin the bliss of being snuggled and warm with the two people I cared about most in the world. And if I let him know I was awake he'd probably stop working his voodoo magic on my tense muscles. I wanted to soak up the moment while I had it.

It lasted for two minutes max and then Lily started crying. I gave in and reluctantly sat up to comfort her. I tucked my feet under myself and held her to my shoulder.

"Good morning, sleepyheads." Parker sounded tired too, like he'd been asleep when his mom called. I looked at the clock above the mantle and saw it was only three in the afternoon. We'd slept for an hour or so, but it definitely wasn't morning anymore.

"Thanks for rubbing my neck, I needed that nap." I stretched my free arm up over my head as I yawned. I admired the photos Parker had printed from Halloween and arranged above the fireplace.

"Are you feeling any better?"

I knew he was talking about the article, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge its existence yet. I didn't think it would be great once I saw the headline, but I had no idea it would be a personal attack that would bring out every insecurity I had about being with Parker. The last article I read before giving up my phone had a side-by-side photo of me next to one of the models Parker had been on a date with not long before he came home.

I was making a deliberate effort to change the way I viewed my body now that I was a mom. I wanted to be a good role model. I knew it was never my mom's intention, but I took note of every harsh thing she said about her body growing up. I thought she was perfect so I started to draw conclusions about myself from there. It was up to me to change my thinking and how I vocalized insecurity.

That was all great in theory, but it was hard to stop it from creeping into my thoughts after seeing it printed in a magazine and blasted all over the internet. I didn't resent Parker for choices he made when we weren't together, but it was out there for everyone to see: my family, coworkers, people who already made me feel like crap, Parker's friends that I hadn't met yet. Their first impression of me would always be compared to the beautiful woman on the page who was a millionaire and an actress used to doing photoshoots for magazines.

"Do you really want to hear the truth?"

Parker let out a breath. "Yeah, that was a silly question. No one would feel good after the day you've had."

"My head is a pretty dark place right now." I gave him a sad smile. "It's probably best if I don"t taint you with it."

That was how I'd always felt. I brought Parker down. He'd be having a great day, and then I'd need him to help me through family shit. He was off playing the game he loved and then flew home to be at my dad's funeral. I didn't want to drag him down again and again when he was in the prime of his life. He was supposed to be enjoying everything he had going for him right now.

Lily started crying again, and Parker got up to make a bottle before I could even say anything. He took her from my arms and fed her while making my favorite noodles on the stove.

"Sometimes I wonder if you have a direct line to my thoughts," I said, peeking around him to see the bubbling pasta coming to a boil. "Is this how you make me fall for you?"

"This is how I take care of my best friend. When you're sad you need a massage, noodles, and people who love you."

I couldn't hold back my smile. "Is that so?" I climbed onto the kitchen counter, loving that I could do it without my mom yelling at me. I hadn't lived in a home where I felt fully comfortable in a while. My parents were amazing, and I appreciated them letting me stay there with Lily, but it wasn't my house anymore. They'd been empty nesters for a few years and it was their house. They had their own routines, and as much as they said I wasn't a nuisance, I knew they'd travel more if Lily and I weren't living there. I wanted them to have fun and do the things they dreamt of. I wanted that for my mom. She deserved this second chance at life where she could be blissfully happy.

It was scary that I was starting to want that for myself.

"Your grandma texted me and requested you come visit. Something about her hot tub being lonely. Go change while I get this ready for you."

I couldn't think of anything better after the soul sucking, awful day I"d had.

"I'll be right back." I smacked a kiss on Lily's cheek. Her gold-green eyes flashed open and she kicked her feet when she saw me. When they closed again with a smile, I ran up the stairs to put my swimsuit on under the same pajamas.

Five minutes later I returned to the kitchen to find a steaming bowl of noodles waiting for me. I eagerly climbed up to sit on one of the stools and dug in. I blew on my fork, willing the temperature to drop so I could inhale the creamy chicken goodness. I was in heaven from the first bite. It tasted like my childhood—the good parts. Begging Mom to make the meal multiple times a week, and her rolling her eyes and saying I needed to eat more vegetables. Then being called into the kitchen when it was ready.

Parker returned from changing Lily and chuckled when he saw me already digging in. He strutted around this house like he owned the place. He did, but that wasn't the point.

I stopped staring before he caught me. "You haven't lost your touch. This is amazing," I said around a mouthful, totally unladylike. "Maybe those girls on Twitter were right. You are a god."

Parker's head tipped back. "It's Chicken Pastaroni from a box. I promise you it's not hard to make."

"I've messed it up before, hungover. I forgot the butter." I slurped another noodle and closed my eyes, savoring my favorite comfort food. "Hand to the Bible, this would be my last meal."

He just shook his head at my antics. "Butter is half the flavor. That had to be gross."

"It was. I tried to add it at the end and had a stomach ache for the rest of the day. Zero out of ten, don't recommend."

"It has to be terrible for you."

"Then why are you getting yourself a bowl?" Warmth bloomed in my chest when he rounded the counter with a heaping bowl that he was already attempting to shovel into his mouth.

He shrugged. "You got me addicted at a young, impressionable age."

"What a bad influence."

"You're telling me."

We sat shoulder to shoulder watching Lily play with her toys in her booster chair that Parker put her in and set on the counter in front of us. He was silently looking at her with his head slightly tilted like he was thinking.

"Can she try a noodle?"

"Uh I don't know, google it." I was behind on my baby milestone reading. She was happy and healthy, so I figured I was doing something right.

Parker slid his phone back into the pocket of his joggers. "Yeah, I think so. I just have to cut it smaller."

He did and put one in front of her. She looked at it for a few seconds before grabbing a bite of chicken with her whole hand and trying to shove it into her mouth with her fist closed. Once she got it in, she chewed with her mouth open, two half-grown bottom teeth on display. She munched it around and then her lips curved up.

"I think she likes it." Parker barely got the words out before she was banging her hand on the tray in front of her.

"I think she wants more." It was silly to be excited about something as small as Lily liking my favorite food, but there were so many things that made her like Parker. This seemed like something just for me.

"Can I?" He looked for my nod before cooling more down and placing it in front of her.

"Just a little."

"So you've been stalking me on Twitter?"

"Well, I blocked you on everything else."

"Why was that?"

I hesitated before answering. "It was probably more for my sanity than because of you."

Parker nodded. "You do have a hard time controlling yourself when you see me. I understand."

I flicked the top of his ear. "You are so full of yourself! Less than two years without me and your ego has grown to astronomical proportions."

He picked up our now empty bowls and washed them out in the sink. "My ego was doomed the moment you let me in your pants. It will never go back to what it was."

"You're ridiculous." I shook my head while cleaning up Lily's pasta sauce face. "I don't want you to say stuff like that just because you think it's what I want to hear."

I'd heard plenty of pretty words in my life. It was cynical to say they meant nothing to me, but it was hard to place value on something people used as silence fillers and to make conversation.

"Getting in your pants isn't something I take lightly," was his rebuttal. "It's an honor I still can't believe you bestowed upon me."

I grabbed a dish towel to dry what he'd washed and bumped his shoulder with mine. My heart felt a little lighter with every laugh he pried from my chest.