Chapter Forty-Five

Vexen and I found a place beneath the veil of a willow tree. I had fetched a blanket for us from the suite, and Vexen brought a brazier that he got from the kitchens. I lit a fire in the brazier using magic while he spread the blanket, then we settled on it, facing each other.

"This feels magical," I murmured, staring at the snow-covered garden beyond the hang of willow branches.

Suddenly, the branches looked like bones, and the cold of winter was that of Death. I started to tremble.

"Ember!" Vexen grabbed my arm.

My stare shot to his. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I . . . I just . . ."

"Need more time," Vexen said firmly. "We shouldn't be doing this now. Rath was right."

"No!" I said urgently, panic rising in my chest. If I didn't fall in love with Vexen, I wouldn't have enough power to save Ara. I had to do this. The Goddess gave me her blessing. He was the next one. I knew it. "No, I'm fine. Really. The branches, they just reminded me of something."

"What?" Vexen took my hand. "Talk to me. Tell me what Death did to you."

"He consumed me," I whispered. "He locked my soul in a cage of bones and buried it beneath his magic."

I blinked, surprised that I hadn't hesitated to share that with him. But there was something about Vexen that comforted me. He put me at ease. I took a deep breath, letting that peace penetrate the shell of my panic. This truly was right. He was right.

"Bones," Vexen murmured, glancing at the willow branches.

A breeze set them to dancing, clicking them together. The sound skittered down my spine like skeletal fingers.

"All right, this isn't going to work." Vexen stood up.

"No, please!" I hurried to my feet. "I need to push past this. I must conquer my fear."

"No, Ember. You need to be kind to yourself. I'm not saying our date is over. Just that we need a better location."

"But I can't leave the citadel."

"Somewhere else in the garden," he said gently. Then he looked at the brazier. "Damn. We'll have to leave that here."

"No, we won't." I used Air Magic to lift the brazier, then grinned at him. "I know all the tricks."

Vexen laughed. "Very nice. Here. Take your plate and mug. I'll get the blanket."

Vexen handed me my food and hot chocolate, moved his things off the blanket, tossed the blanket over his arm, then picked up his plate and mug. "Come on."

Vexen shouldered his way through the willow branches, holding them aside with his body for me to float the brazier through, then follow. We strolled through the garden with the fire literally blazing our trail until we found a stone bench. After setting the brazier down, I blasted the bench with some Fire Magic, melting the snow and warming the stone.

"All the tricks indeed," Vexen murmured as he sat down.

We settled on the warm bench, and he spread the blanket over our laps before we started our meal. We had to get to the food before it went cold. The change of scenery and focusing on eating both helped to drive thoughts of Death away, but Ara still hovered in my head, sending flares of pain through me every few seconds. I was on the verge of tears and trying to have a date. Maybe I had rushed things.

No! I had to push on. My romantic life had never been perfect. This was nothing new. I could fall in love in the worst of situations. Look at Ara and me. There couldn't be a situation more traumatic than that one. Falling in love with Vexen should be easy. His letters had gotten me halfway there already.

"So, you're from Raxis," I said.

Vexen set his mug to the side and glanced at me. "Yes, a city called Invea. It's in a valley, sort of across the bottom and up the sides. We never get snow there." He looked around. "You'd think after living here so long, I'd be used to winter, but the snow still fascinates me."

I stared across the frosted garden, trying to see it through his eyes, and smiled. "It's lovely. A fresh coat of shimmering white to make everything look pure."

Vexen frowned. "That sounded a bit sad, Ember."

"Did it?" I took a bite of a cheese tart and thought about it. "Maybe. I didn't mean it to. The snow covers all the imperfections of the world. It feels like a fresh start. But it's also fucking cold."

He chuckled. "Yes, there's that." He leaned closer. "But that gives us an excuse to get closer."

"Do we need an excuse?" I lifted my face to meet his stare.

Vexen went still, eyes locked on me. He started to lean down. His hair fell forward, and the highlights caught the sun, turning gold. And then he was Ara, smiling softly, all of that gold hair catching the cold light.

I gasped and jerked back.

Vexen cursed and straightened. "This is too soon."

"Stop saying that! I know what's best for me. I have to get past this."

"Ember, the only way past this is by working through it, and you can't do that with me trying to kiss you."

"Yes, I can! I need to kiss you. Don't you get it? I need your help, Vexen. Yes, I'm going to stumble and maybe even cry, and I know that's not the most romantic way for us to fall in love, but this is what I need right now. I'm sorry that you have to be the man who goes through this with me, and that we didn't start sooner. I'm sorry that I'm broken and I'm counting on you to put me back together. It's unfair. I have four other men for that. They should fix me, right? You and I should be carefree. We shouldn't have anything hanging above our heads when we have our first kiss. But this is my life. This is my love life. There is always something hanging over it. And I understand if it's too much for you, if you're changing your mind about me now. I get it. But, please, don't, Vexen. I need you. I—"

The plates went tumbling to the ground, our mugs spilling into the snow as Vexen yanked me into his arms and kissed me. At the first touch of his lips, my body rebelled. It didn't feel right. My mind flooded with images of my lovers and especially Ara. But then the feel of Vexen registered. The plushness of his lips, so soft against mine. The hardness of his chest beneath my hands. The steady thumping of his heart. He was real and warm and he wanted me despite everything. And I wanted him too. Beneath the pain and broken pieces of my heart, I wanted Vexen. Desire rose with healing heat, summoning strength from my body.

"Ember," Vexen murmured against my lips and yanked me onto his lap. He kissed along my jaw, then nibbled at my throat.

Head lolling, I writhed on Vexen's lap, my hands sliding over his shoulders and through his hair. The cold didn't bother me anymore. It vanished under Vexen's hot hands. They slid over my back, digging into my muscles, then curved around my hips. He pulled me closer. Our erections clashed. Pleasure zinged up my spine.

"More," I whispered to the white sky. "More."

Vexen's teeth nibbled at my nipples through my tunic, and I cried out, holding his head to me. He pulled the hem out of my belt and shoved it up, revealing my chest. With a growl, he latched onto a nipple and sucked at me hard.

"Vexen," I panted. "Thank you. Oh, fuck. Yes. This is what I need." I reached between us, unbuttoned my pants, and yanked down my shorts.

My cock popped free. Vexen breathed in sharply and leaned back to look at it. My tunic flopped down, pooling around my shaft. Heat wafted between us, caught by the flaps of our cloaks. And there, amid all that dark, winter fabric, was my pale flesh, blushed pink at the tip. It was so erotic that I shuddered.

Vexen met my stare as he wrapped his hand around my cock. I gasped and canted my hips into his grip. But he only tucked me back into my shorts.

"Vexen," I pleaded.

"No, Ember. This is not what you need. You can get this from your lovers, but I'm not one of them yet."

"I want you to be."

Vexen shuddered, his jaw clenching and his eyes closing. When he opened them, his stare skittered over my face. "I want that too. But I won't take you like this. It would only be taking. For both of us."

"I thought you understood," I whispered.

He grabbed my jaw and forced me to meet his stare. "I do. I understand you and I know what you need. It isn't this, Ember." He slid his hand down to press over my heart. "It's this." He rubbed me gently there, then nuzzled my lips with his. "It's this," he spoke against my lips. Then he pulled me into an embrace that pressed our chests tightly together. "It's this ."

This time, our kiss blasted me out of my broken heart. Out of sadness altogether. It took me into another world, another realm. As Death had done for Ara and me, but in a pure way. There was no death in Vexen. Only life. Spirit. And my heart ran to his light.

My light, Ara whispered in my mind.

Don't worry, my love, I sent my thoughts to Aranren. I will not forget you, not even when I'm with another. It's all to bring me back to you. But I can't disrespect this incredible man either. I will give him my love, unite our strength, and save you. But to do that, I must let you go. Just for a little while.

Ara's presence drifted down, into my heart to nestle beside the cords that bound me to Xaedren, Ratharin, Keltyr, and Taroc. So much love, and yet there was room for more. I poured my hope into Vexen but also my affection. It may not be love yet, but it would be. I knew it would.

A rumble vibrated through Vexen's chest, pleased and possessive. He eased out of our kiss to say, "I know your heart is bleeding. And I know you're desperate to heal it, desperate to save the man you love. I know I'm a weapon to you, a way for you to get stronger. But I'm also a balm, and I will gladly help you heal. I don't care if it's not romantic or if you cry when you kiss me. Go ahead and weep, Ember. I will lick up your tears and savor the salt on my tongue. Because I know that it's me who will lead you past them. Me, Ember. I will give you what no one else can."

"Vexen," I whispered, feeling the balm of his love already. This man truly did know what I needed. He had hinted at the passion we could have, but wouldn't let me succumb to it. Not yet. Because it wasn't worthy of us yet. It needed to mature. "Thank you."

"I'll be what you need, Ember. As long as you see me. Look at me as you do now, knowing it's me who holds you, and I will help you through this. Just don't look away."

"I see you, Vexen." I slid my hand back along his jaw. "Great Goddess, how did I miss all of this?"

"Fuck if I know," Vexen drawled.

We laughed together. Laughed and laughed until I crumpled into his arms. Vexen settled me across his lap and within his cloak, then we looked at the mess around us.

"It's a miracle the blanket didn't land on the brazier and catch fire," I said.

"It would have been funny if it had," Vexen said.

"I don't know if I would have noticed." I smiled at him, feeling the healing settle in.

Vexen's balm hadn't been a brief flare that receded like the tide. In that short period, he had given me something lasting. And I wanted to create something lasting with him. Thank the Goddess, he had stopped us from going too far. I was pushing things, so desperate to save Ara that I was hurting my chances with Vexen. But he knew. And he didn't judge me for it. He just slowed us down and refocused me. In short, Vexen was exactly what I needed and even what I wanted.

"Vexen," I said.

"Yes?"

"I'm still hungry."

Vexen laughed even louder than before, throwing his head back and casting that laughter to the sky. I grinned up at him as he did, knowing in my heart that this man wouldn't just heal me, he would also claim a piece of my soul.