41. Happiness Is Scary

Harlow's eyes snapped open at a sound, just in time to catch Foxx rushing out of their bedroom.

"Foxx?" he rumbled groggily.

The vampire didn't respond or stop. Harlow shook his head, stumbled out of bed, and took off after him.

"Foxx?!" he called out to the man on reaching the top of the stairs, but Foxx, now on the floor below, didn't look back.

Harlow followed the vampire right to the apartment door, stopping there as he watched him sprint down the hall. He hesitated, before cursing and hurrying after him.

Harlow came to a stop when he finally caught sight of Foxx's face, or rather when their eyes met. Foxx stared at him with such trepidation, his eyes filled with tears, that he couldn't manage to take another step.

The elevator closed, cutting their eye contact. He looked up at the glowing numbers above and waited, his shoulders sagging when he realized the elevator was going up. And when it stopped on the floor that he knew Alastair lived on, Harlow rubbed at his eyes and headed back into the apartment.

Whatever was going on, Alastair would handle it… At least until one or both of them tried to kick his ass.

* * *

Alastair glancedup from his phone when the doorbell rang. Brow raising when whoever it was started to spam the bloody button.

Clucking his tongue, he slipped off the couch and hurried into the hall, towards the door. He eyed the door camera, his nose wrinkling on seeing Foxx on the screen. Alastair quickly unlocked and opened the door before his friend broke his doorbell.

Foxx's hand fell away from the button and he looked up at him. Bottom lip wobbling, the man's eyes were full of unshed tears.

"I feel it"s highly unfair for you to come here looking like a kicked puppy when I just want to yell at you." He tsked and backed up, sighing. "Come in."

Alastair closed the door behind Foxx, and followed the man to his living room. His apartment layout was similar to Foxx's, but his style was more black and white with random bright pops of color. Alastair walked over to his lemon-yellow colored couch and plopped down with his phone in his lap, while the other vampire remained standing there.

Foxx's mouth opened…then closed…before he started to gnaw on his bottom lip.

Alastair took a deep breath in and out and asked, "It's been like a day. Did he fuck up already?"

Foxx grimaced. "No…"

"Then what's wrong?"

"E-everything? N-nothing?" A tear slipped free and Foxx wiped it away.

Frowning at how small the man's voice had sounded, he gently suggested, "Why don't you start from the beginning and we can try to figure out what brought this on, hm?"

"F-from the beginning?" Foxx took a deep but shuddered breath.

He eyed the vampire, making note of the pajamas he was wearing. "From whatever sent you running to my house during what I assume was the middle of your sleep period."

Foxx wrung his hands nervously. "You were right…yet wrong…"

"About…Harlow?"

"Yes… When I said yes…I felt…relieved. But now…I don't know…"

Having a sneaking suspicion that the words Foxx was about to say were things better said to the psycho human he'd decided to date, without giving away what he was doing, Alastair started recording on his phone.

* * *

Foxx had felt relief,right before the panic had buried him. "I-I…think… No…I mean… I'm pretty sure I l-love him." Foxx took a deep breath. "I know he isn't perfect, and he has issues, but the me right now doesn't care… But…what if… What if I get so unbelievably happy with him…" He shook his head. "No, I am happy with him, Alastair. It's the only reason I said no in the first place! The only reason I listened to you!"

"And…being happy…scares you?"

"Yes!" Foxx cried, his voice breaking. "It terrifies me! Because it never lasts!"

Alastair winced. "Foxx…"

"Happiness is scary." He clenched his hands together tightly when they started to tremble. "You don't get it, Alastair… You were right about everyone else. No one I dated ever seemed to think I was worth giving their all to. No one ever gave anything back. But you're wrong about Harlow. It's not about knowing that he has nothing to give, it's about knowing how much he already gives. Knowing what he has done for me, what he does for me without asking… Just simple things, that to others may seem like no big deal…but they are to me, and I think they are to him too…"

"What things?"

"When I cry…the things he says…all clumsy, sometimes even baffling, but it helps. And with what happened…with the priests." Foxx's voice wavered as more tears broke free. "He made me feel wanted, even when scars covered my body. And when I wake up terrified…he doesn't shame me, or get embarrassed when I cry. He holds me tight, and makes sure I know he's there. He holds me for hours, just patiently waiting for me to calm down. And…and he just listens!"

"He…made you feel safe."

"YES! And each and every time it happens, I know it makes him uncomfortable. Yet…he still tells me that it's fine. That I should cry for as long as I need to. To not worry about him. To just feel what I need to feel.

"And I want all of that. I want how he makes me feel. I want to be held, and to be comforted. I don't want to lose any of it! So, I said no…and then I said yes…because all that he does give me right now…is enough, and I need him with me."

It was enough. It felt like enough…but…

Alastair slipped his phone in his pocket, stood up and came to him, his hands wrapping around his. "Foxx, I pushed because I was worried you'd get hurt. But it sounds like he isn't as awful as I thought he was…"

"But what if that changes?! What if I change?!" Foxx sobbed. "I love him, and I know he may never, or possibly can't ever, love me back. But…what if I need him to?! What if what he does for me, the words he gives me, stops being enough?! And what if by then, I'm in so deep that the realization crushes me?!"

The words caused this deep ache inside him that sent him spiraling. Hard wracking sobs broke from his chest, and he didn't fight it as Alastair pulled him into his arms.

"Oh, Foxx, I got you. It's okay." Alastair ran a soothing hand up and down his back.

Foxx just sobbed harder. "W-why d-does he have to be so different?! I-I j-just wanted to make a difference and have sex!"

"You wouldn't give him a second glance if he was like everyone else," Alastair murmured with a sad chuckle.

"He doesn't treat me like—" His words cut off on another hard sob, and then he just couldn't manage to force himself to say the last word out loud.

Trash… Harlow didn't treat him like trash. The way he treated him, it made him think… It made him deluded enough to think that Harlow may actually care… Which made everything just that much more terrifying.

"Foxx…all the things you just said to me… They are things you should be saying to him."

Foxx jerked back, staring blurrily through his tears. "I-I c-can't."

"Foxx…you can, and you should. Because the only one who can answer the questions about the doubts you are having is him."

Foxx took a step back and out of Alastair's hold, shaking his head as he did. "I can't…" He gasped breathlessly. "I can't. It will end then!"

"Foxx…"

Wrapping his arms around his waist, he closed his eyes and shook his head, taking another step back. And then his fear just grabbed hold of him as thoughts of all the ways things could and likely would go wrong ran through his head.

"I'm scared," he wailed. "I'm scared."

Foxx continued to cry out in terror even as Alastair pulled him back into his arms. Not even his friend's comfort was enough to drive his fears away.

* * *

Alastair presseda kiss to Foxx's forehead. "It's going to all work out, I promise."

Foxx nodded, not looking up. The vampire's poor nose was red and raw from the number of tissues he'd gone through in the last thirty minutes.

"Go get some sleep, okay?" he said softly.

The vampire nodded again, gave him a tight hug before spinning and toddling out through the door and down the hall.

Alastair pulled his phone from his pocket, stopped the recording, and after a brief moment of hesitation…sent it to Harlow. Likely by the time the vampire had made it back to his apartment, after he no doubt roamed randomly around the building to avoid going back, Harlow would have had time to listen to it all...if the fucker was awake, that was…