2. Theo

2

THEO

I lean on the customer service desk and scrub a hand over my face.

What kind of idiot moves his daughter across an ocean only to lose her in an aquarium the very first weekend?

This kind of idiot. Me .

Realistically, it wouldn't be hard to lose a child in a place like this, not when there are so many of them running this way and that in the maze-like structure of this place.

It's impossible to know exactly which way you came from or which way you're supposed to go unless you're able to spot one of the miniscule signs hanging overhead. Not to mention, the person helping me is completely nonplussed, because this happens all the time.

But this does not happen all the time. I do not lose Bonnie all the time and, bloody hell, I know every parent feels this way, but she's more important than every other one of these rugrats. Because she's mine, and I'm not supposed to lose her, not when I've maintained I can do this all on my own.

I'm not only her father, but I'm also her only caregiver.

And now I've brought her to a city she's never been to, to a whole new world where she'll have to make new friends and learn how to exist all over again after her short stint on earth thus far.

And I've lost her in a bloody aquarium where there's a man walking around in a prawn costume. Or shrimp as they say here. I should start using their terminology, I guess.

Never mind that. This is a disaster.

The woman I've been speaking too takes a moment to pull away from her phone. "What color bows did you say she had in her hair?"

"Blue. No! Purple. Aw, bollocks. I don't remember." I thought I was such a great dad with all the hairstyling I'd done this morning and as it turns out, I have to actually remember the color of the bows too. I'm an idiot.

The woman smiles kindly at me and mutters into the phone. "Blue or purple. Not quite sure."

Great, now all these people are going to think I'm a cack-handed man on top of being a cack-handed dad. Can't even remember the bows in his daughter's hair.

"Mhm. Mhm. Yes, thank you." The woman hangs up the phone. "I've got security dispatched in every wing, looking for her."

I sigh. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"If you'd like, you can come into the back and wait where it's more comfortable. I can make you a cup of coffee or…uh, tea? Maybe you prefer tea."

I grimace. People always assume I want tea because of the accent. They'd be right, but it still pisses me off. "Um, no. I'm going to keep looking."

The woman frowns. "It might be better for you to stay in one spot so once we locate her, we can take her right to you."

I shake my head and lift a hand as I step away. "No, I won't be able to sit still. Thanks."

As I walk away, the woman rushes after me. "How will I be able to contact you if something changes?"

I reach into the inside of my jacket and pull out a freshly-made-up business card and flick it out between my fingers as I search every square inch of this place from top to bottom. "My mobile, I mean, my cell's on there."

She takes it and before she can balk or ask any more questions, I'm off. Bugger all if I'm going to sit on my hands while my little girl is out there, probably scared to absolute bits.

Bonnie's probably wondering where I've wandered off to, why I left her there. God, she's probably in tears. I can't stand the thought.

There is perhaps a slight chance Bonnie hasn't even noticed my absence. Maybe she ended up at the dolphin show and is sitting rapt by the dolphins flipping and chortling, not even realizing she's completely and utterly alone in a sea of people.

There is also a slight chance she's been picked up by some criminal and has been taken and is already in a car jetting away from the aquarium, someone who won't hesitate to demand a ransom to fuck with me.

I can't think about it too hard, or I might burst into hysterics, which wouldn't be inappropriate given the situation, but…

I don't like that side of me. It's embarrassing. No one needs to see my panic, the one threatening to gut me and spill my insides onto the dirty carpet of the aquarium.

It's my fault. It always has been. Every single bloody thing that goes awry in life is a result, direct or indirect of my cack-handed brain. From the company collapsing, to what happened with my ex-wife, and now, to losing my daughter in a crowded aquarium.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spy a bouncing head, a plait of brown hair adorned with ribbons. I take rushing steps toward the little girl only to realize I didn't plait Bonnie's hair this morning. Just tied it back.

Bollock. Bollocks, Bollocks. I've lost so much the past few years. And I'd lose everything else too if it meant I had Bonnie here with me. But losing Bonnie would kill me.

She's all I have.

New York was supposed to be a fresh start. Take the capital I had personally set aside from years of running Wallington Limited and start something new, away from London, away from my reputation as a cock-up.

Can't bloody well be a fresh start if I don't have a daughter to do this all for.

I take a sharp turn into the godforsaken "Shark Tunnel," a dark blue lit tunnel-shaped aquarium that bends overhead and allows patrons to walk under the shadows of hammerheads.

Unsettles the bloody hell out of me, but earlier, Bonnie was bubbling with laughter, following a shadow down the length of the corridor.

I gulp back tears that threaten to spill outward. I'm so fucking furious with myself.

Why did I turn away? Why did I think she was following me out of the penguin exhibit?

I should have checked. Should have known she'd be totally immersed and distracted. But when I went back, she was already gone.

Her laugh bubbles.

Is it a hallucination? Or real?

I turn on my heels and look through the busy tunnel, trying to spot Bonnie through the veil of other aquarium goers.

Someone behind me growls, "Excuse me," and I sidestep without breaking my concentration.

A triple decker buggy, a device I didn't even know existed, swings by me in an angry hurry, pushed by a dad who clearly needs a pint, followed by his wife who needs a two-week vacation.

The laugh comes again.

My body lurches toward the sound, though I can't see her.

However, I can feel her.

People assume fathers don't have the same physical connection with their children because they didn't carry them for nine months, but I do.

Since the second she arrived, a part of me was ripped out from me and attached to her, and to lose her would be to lose myself in such a profound way.

The man with the triple decker buggy shuffles his wife and children out of the way, through the tunnel entrance. With him, there is an exodus of movement, people exiting until all that remains is a little brown-haired girl with blue and purple ribbons in her hair with her nose pressed up against the glass flanked by a crouching redheaded woman.

"Bonnie?" I cry out.

Bonnie turns toward me, her hair whipping through the air.

The second her eyes land in mine, her already smiling face explodes with sunshine. "Daddy!"

I only manage a few more steps before I drop to my knees to receive her in my arms.

She fits against my chest so perfectly, unlike any other person on earth, and her warmth reminds me I am not alone. I have not lost her. I am still bloody alive. Still alive. "Oh my god, why did you–" I kiss the side of her head, too overcome with emotion. "Why did you disappear?"

"Why did you disappear?" She pouts.

"I didn't mean to disappear, love, I'm sorry." I hold back a swell of tears that threatens to spill. I get a look at her face which is not tearful or scared whatsoever. I push some baby hairs off her forehead and smile. "You all right?"

"Yes, I'm okay. I mean, I was scared, and I was crying, but then this lady helped calm me down, and she was telling me about–" Bonnie stops, her eyes going wide. "Did you know hammerhead sharks use their head to pin their prey against the sea floor? Like a hammer!"

I try not to outwardly cringe at the morbid information. "Is that so? What a…what a fact."

"Abigail told me that!"

I pause.

"Abigail? Who's…" I remember there was a redheaded woman next to Bonnie.

Wait.

No. No, it couldn't be.

I lift my eyes away from Bonnie, as hard as it is, to see the redheaded woman standing a foot or two away from us, her green eyes wide in a state of shock that must mirror mine.

She opens her mouth, trying to discover the right thing to say. "Um, hello, Theo."

I'm at a loss for words. Because of the coincidence, of course. It's not every day your daughter gets lost in an aquarium, and your best friend's daughter happens to be the one who finds her.

But there's another reason.

A reason I really wouldn't like to name.

"Abigail Lyons." I use her full name because I apparently love sounding like an idiot. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Yes, it is a surprise."

It doesn't escape me she's leaving out the "pleasant."

Abigail's expression is cool to me and has been for years now. When she was a girl, she always seemed to be grinning, her freckled cheeks full and blushing. Now, whenever she sees me, she has become distant.

She's grown up. Must be at least twenty-five.

And she's beautiful. Exquisitely so.

I noticed it when I attended her father's wedding two years ago. How she'd morphed from being a child in my eyes to a young woman.

There is an objective way to consider the beauty of your best friend's daughter. The way a person should look at their best friend's daughter.

Unfortunately, that is not the way I see Abigail Lyons.

I've tried to tame it, tried not to look at her in recent photos of the Lyons family, tried to acknowledge that it's only natural to sometimes be attracted to people you shouldn't be.

But it is more than an attraction. It is…

I think she might be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

And that is bad. Wrong.

"I didn't know you were in town." Abigail's voice pulls me out of the spiral.

Apparently, I've been standing here with my mouth hung open for…a while. Hope she didn't see right through me.

"Yes, we've just moved here, actually. Starting up a new…erm, business."

Abigail lifts one eyebrow. Not sure if it's curiosity or judgment there.

Bonnie interjects, not one to be left out. "You know each other?"

I look between Abigail and Bonnie before saying, "Yes, you know Uncle Edwin?"

"No." Bonnie shakes her little head.

"Well, you've never met Uncle Edwin. But he sends you presents for every holiday. You always say, ‘What kind of name is Edwin ?'" I flash a smile at Abigail who does not smile back.

I clear my throat. "But you'll meet him soon because he lives in New York. And Abigail is Uncle Edwin's daughter which makes this all quite a surprise."

Abigail opens her mouth to reply, but I'm finding it hard to shut up. "You know, Bonnie, love, I've known Abigail since she was a little girl. About your age."

"Wow." Bonnie looks at her. "Are you old, Abigail?"

"Uh, Bon, that's not–"

Abigail maintains her icy air. "I found her in the seahorse alcove. By herself."

"Yes, yes, we got separated." I'm scrambling not to look like a bloody arse . "Thank you. Beyond thanks. I've been running around looking for her like a bloody headless chicken and–"

Bonnie laughs, a sound I will never ever get tired of. "Daddy…"

"Anyways, thank you, Abigail," I say with as much emphasis as I can. "You have no idea how… I don't possibly know how I could repay you. I mean, my life wouldn't even be enough."

Now this is getting bloody embarrassing.

"I'm glad I was able to help." Abigail's face finally softens as she regards Bonnie. "I think we had some fun, all things considered."

Bonnie gives a fervent nod. "She told me so many facts about the ocean ."

"That's good! That's why we came, isn't it?"

"She's a scientist. A marine biologist."

Abigail runs a hand through her long, red hair. Not auburn or mahogany, but exotic, natural red. She's bashful, looking away. Somehow girlish and all woman at once.

I smile. "A marine biologist at the aquarium. Of course. Yes, I recall. You got your graduate degree recently, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Congratulations, that's quite a feat." The only compliments I can give her without coming off like a creepy old man are on her brain. "I know your father is very proud."

Abigail forces a smile. "Well, it was good to run into you, I guess. But–"

"Daddy, can Abigail walk around with us?" Bonnie asks, pressing her chin into my hip.

My eyebrows jump. "Oh, I don't know, darling, I'm sure Abigail has places to be and fish to-to study, I suppose, and–"

"Please, Daddy, please ."

"Darling, I think we've had an eventful day already, why don't we–"

With my hand held tight in hers, Bonnie lurches away from me and grabs Abigail's hand too. "Please, Abigail?"

Abigail seems frozen, unsure what to say, so I reach out and pull on Bonnie's wrist gently to have her free Abigail's hand from her grip. "Now, Bonnie. It's not proper to beg."

To my surprise, Abigail's hand tightens on Bonnie's. "I could stay for a little bit."

Bonnie leaps in the air. "Really?"

"Yes, really?" I gape.

Abigail gives me a fleeting glance, smile playing on her lips. "Like I said. We've been having a nice time, all things considered. I'm not going to deny a little scientist her facts."

I ignore the warming in my chest, but blimey if Bonnie isn't the way to my heart these days. "All right, but only if you really, really want to. And I mean it, Abigail. Don't feel bad telling her no. She could afford to hear it more often than she does."

"Come on, I want to see the belugas!" Bonnie releases my hand and yanks on Abigail's.

"Bonnie–" I try to intercede.

But Abigail looks over her shoulder at me with a soft smile. "It's okay."

Time slows in that moment as her green eyes stick in mine.

The image leaves me stricken. Her long, red hair swinging, her smile drifting away, her hand in my daughter's without any sort of resistance.

Abigail Lyons cannot arrest me like this. Cannot become the ideal image of a woman to me, not when she's two decades younger than me and the daughter of my friend.

But between her beauty and the softness with which she handles my daughter, all the nerves in my body are on fire.

With a child, now, the idea of a woman in my life is complicated. I cannot pick someone who is only able to fulfill my needs, but Bonnie's as well.

It's only a moment. That's what I have to remind myself. A moment that I replay the rest of the day as I follow closely behind Abigail and Bonnie and listen to the way they speak to one another like old friends.

Abigail doesn't even seem to like me. I don't know why I'm… yearning after her like this. It's just the image. A trick of the light. Seeing Bonnie brighten in a new way.

By the end of the way, I know three things.

One: Bonnie deserves a woman who will put her first. Two: I deserve a woman who will put Bonnie first.

And three: despite the dark pocket of my mind that is full, senseless, and swelling, that woman won't be Abigail Lyons. Can't be.

Unless I want to ruin my life more than I already have.