16. Abigail

16

ABIGAIL

I miss him in my bones. The way I imagine you miss someone who is part of you. I've never missed anyone the way I miss him.

The feeling is only made worse by all the holidays I have to spend around my family. Around my father.

Every conversation I have with my dad, no matter how pedantic or simple, Theo is in the back of my mind. I don't think I've looked my father in the eye in the two weeks since I last saw Theo.

Luckily, I suppose, Dad is distracted with the twins' first Christmas while they're semi-sentient, his first grandchild, being head over heels in love, and everything else.

But me.

If circumstances were different, I might feel jealous. But right now, I'm glad to have eyes everywhere but on me.

As I look in the mirror, I take out the final curler, watching the lock of hair fall. I reach for my brush but stop when my phone buzzes. I snatch it as quickly as I can when I see his name, even though I'm the only one in the room.

I open our thread of messages.

We tried not to talk while he was gone. We don't have that kind of relationship. It just happened, though. Well wishes for the holidays, questions about Bonnie, questions about my family, then questions about each other and on and on.

The last text I got was him letting me know that he and Bonnie had landed in New York and were headed down to Key West.

I've been here the last couple of days, preparing for the wedding, enjoying the escape from the New York winter, celebrating Bridget and Seth. Trying not to wish Theo was here.

The text is actually a picture of Bonnie from the back.

Her hair is done in a dramatic coil of braids, impressive for anyone, much more impressive work from a single dad. She is facing a mirror, grinning from ear to ear in a pretty green dress with sea turtles patterned all over it.

And in the reflection above her, I get just enough a glimpse of Theo to make my mouth water. The bottom half of his face, smiling proudly, dressed in a linen suit.

They've made it in time for the rehearsal dinner.

My wait is almost over.

I heart the picture and text back, Tell Bonnie I wish my hair looked like that .

The dots appear immediately, and a text follows.

You're in luck. I know her hair stylist.

Before I can reply, there's a knock on the door to my room. The wedding party is staying at Seth's beach house while the other guests are at a hotel nearby. "Come in!" ‘

Laney peeks her head in the door, her blonde hair pulled up and coiffed with a flower. "You ready to go?"

"Almost," I say, snagging my brush and running it through my hair.

And the very last touch, before I go, a spritz of the perfume Theo bought for me for Christmas. I've already made a dent in it. I have worn it every day since he gave it to me and sometimes, I spritz it in the air just to smell it.

To know that's how he thinks of me. That he has been all those miles away, imagining me with him.

It does a number on a girl's heart.

§

The rehearsal dinner is being held at a restaurant high up above the shoreline, a large veranda jutting out, overlooking the Gulf of Mexico, the rolling waves a distant thrum.

When we arrive, the rest of the guests are already there, waiting for the welcome speeches and toasts.

Except I can't seem to locate Theo. Which is for the best. I don't need to spot him across the room and get a glimpse of his blue eyes, eyes that have haunted my dreams, sleeping and waking.

The longer I can keep my distance, the better.

"Drink?" Laney asks me, interlocking her arm in mine.

I give her a quick look. "I'd like one. Are you going to have one?"

"Yup," she answers, without any fanfare. No baby yet, apparently.

We sashay over to the bar and order margaritas, because obviously.

As we wait for our drinks, I bump Laney with my hip. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She sighs. "I'm just ready to not be worrying about the whole baby thing. I just want to be pregnant and done with it."

I laugh. "So romantic."

"Trust me, it is not romantic. The alarms I get when I'm ovulating alone have drained all the romance out of the situation."

I'd think because she has double the men, double the fun. But I understand how frustrating it can be to want something and not get it. I'm still trying to ride the high from my fellowship opportunity. "Maybe you three need to go on a vacation. Up to the cabin? Relax. When you stop thinking about it, it'll happen. I think."

Laney smiles. "I think you might be right. I'll tell them."

"Great, then I can start having people place bets on if the baby will be blonde or tattooed."

Laney cackles and grabs my arm. "You better not!"

The bartender puts the drinks on the bar for us.

Laney takes hers and tells me she's going to find Nate and Mason to tell them about the trip idea.

I take my time, opening my clutch to grab a couple of dollars for the tip jar, then grab my margarita. When I turn around, I nearly walk straight into a wall of man. "Ah!"

The man touches my wrists first, steadying my grip on my drink.

I know his touch immediately.

Theo .

"Careful there," he says.

I swallow, dare myself to look up at him.

He looks incredible. Better than the picture. Obviously. Because this is real life. "Theo!" I exclaim. "Good to…good to see you."

Theo starts to smile, but holds back the wattage, glancing at my father beside him. "We were just grabbing a drink. Catching up about our holidays."

I can't look at my dad when he says with pride, "I was telling him about your research opportunity in Ireland coming up in March."

"Oh, you were? That's nice."

"Yes, congratulations," Theo says as if he wasn't there when I received the news, like his mouth wasn't literally on my pussy when I heard. "You must be very excited."

"I am. Very."

Our eyes lock.

Fuck me, he's looking pretty. His skin is paler than it was when he left New York, but he's clean shaven, and his hair has been trimmed over his ears, the silver hairs clearer now.

"You look lovely," Theo says.

I hold my jaw from falling open. He can't just say things like that in front of my dad.

"She looks more like her mother every day," my father says, apparently none the wiser.

Theo grins. "Thank goodness for that."

Thank goodness so that he's not fucking a female who looks like his best friend?

I'm reading too much into it.

"Is Bonnie nearby? I'd love to say hello," I change the subject.

"She's with Sonia," Dad tells me, nodding through the crowded room.

"Great!" I say without a second thought and walk away without giving Theo a final look.

It rips me apart to leave him like that, but he's already taken it a bit too far. We have to keep our profile low. And if I have to be the one responsible for it, so be it.

§

It's almost like magnets repelling one another throughout the evening. Any time we get too close, one of us steers away to another conversation, to use the bathroom, to do anything but show the world there's more between us.

As part of the wedding party, I'm steeped in all the activity.

It's a good distraction, being at the table with all my family and closest friends. That way I can't steal looks from Theo too often.

Bridget and Seth are on cloud nine, ready beyond a shadow of a doubt to be married. And Bridget is already three sheets to the wind.

"I want to go out," Bridget announces. "Can we go out?"

Seth kisses the side of her head. "Anything you want tonight. And forever."

"Barf," I say, like a reflex.

I know my view on romance and life in general is starting to get old to everyone. But it's an easy cover. A distraction to throw them off the scent of what could be happening behind closed doors.

Sonia's shoulders collapse. "I should really check on the twins."

Dad gives her a squeeze on the shoulder. "You go out. I'll stay in with them."

Sonia grins. "Don't act like that's what you'd rather be doing."

The two of them start to flirt. Barf again.

I draw my attention away from my family, the ever expanding one, the one that I seem to be on the outskirts of.

I turn just in time to see Theo hefting Bonnie into his arms. Her head heavy and eyes closed.

I smile to myself. The poor thing is probably jet lagged, tired from all the traveling.

With a steady hand pressed to her back, he makes for the exit, not bothering to make his rounds for goodbyes. He has his priorities in line, that's for sure.

I glance back at the table. No one is paying attention to little old me. So, I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I trail behind Theo and Bonnie, keeping back so he doesn't notice me coming until he stops at the bank of elevators in the hall outside the restaurant.

He presses the call button, then steps back. He glances my way, probably thinks I'm stranger, then does a double take when he realizes it's me.

Neither of us speaks as I approach him. "Is she asleep?"

"Out like a light."

Indeed, she is so asleep her mouth is slack, face smushed onto his shoulder.

So, I decide to be bold. I take his hand.

His touch overwhelms me, my brain short circuiting when he grips my hand in return.

"I've missed you," I say softly.

The elevator door opens.

Theo glances at it but lets it close. "You have no idea how I've missed you, Abigail."

I move a bit closer.

He looks around. "You can't. Not here."

"Just one. It's been weeks."

Theo's brow tightens, like resistance is actually pain. "I know. I've counted down the days."

A smile blooms on my face. "Me too."

He smiles back.

"One," I plead.

Theo leans in and kisses my mouth for only a moment. But it is enough to remind me of everything we have together.

"I have to get her to bed," he whispers.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I take a step back.

Sonia's voice comes from behind me. "Going up?"

I leap out of my skin and whip around to see Sonia at the mouth of the hall. She's smiling, not in a knowing way. I think we might have lucked out.

"Yes, bedtime," Theo says without missing a beat. "For the both of us."

My father emerges from the restaurant, and I hold my breath even tighter.

"Just wanted to say goodnight to the twins before I go out," Sonia says. "You're joining us, right, Abigail?" She looks at the elevator call button and realizes it hasn't been pressed.

I press it hurriedly. "Yep. Was just going to say goodnight to Bonnie, but she's, well, you can see for yourself." I gesture toward Bonnie and Theo. "Anyway…"

Dad sighs, sated. "Who would have thought our girls would be the best of friends, Dory, hm?"

"Yes, they are a very dear pair," Theo says, his voice resonant in his chest.

He means it. We are a dear pair. Does that mean perhaps I am dear to him too?

The elevator door slides open. I step out of the way. "Have a good night."

Theo gives me a delicate nod as he enters the elevator. "You, too."

Dad kisses the side of my head before he follows. "Don't get into too much trouble, hm?"

"I'll try."

"Don't worry," Sonia follows up, stepping into the elevator after my dad. She turns around, her eyes locking with mine. And her smile fades. "I'll keep an eye on her."

My stomach drops.

She saw. She must have. Or else my guilt is creating illusions in my head. But Sonia's expression is taut and humorless.

I'm not seeing things.

She saw something.

Something no one was ever supposed to see.

§

Sonia does not speak to me the rest of the night. She does not speak to me while we get ready before the wedding either.

I can't bear to look at her, but I have questions. Namely, did she see, and if she saw, how much did she see? What does she think? And did she tell my dad?

That last question is probably the most important.

I believe Sonia and I are close enough to maintain a secret such as this one.

But when people fall in love, when they choose their person for the rest of their days, there is a closeness that is born I simply can't fathom. I've watched it blossom between Dad and Sonia, Bridget and Seth, Laney, Mason, and Nate, Camilla and Jack. It's something that comes from giving yourself over wholly to another person.

I have never known that closeness. Which means I have no idea how that kind of closeness exists in relation to the closeness had with others.

It's not until we are literally about to go outside and line up for the wedding march that Sonia pulls me aside.

"Can we talk?" Her eyes flick to the French doors.

"Sure." My mouth dries.

"Ladies, we're lining up," the wedding planner says, trying to hustle us outside.

"Just one minute," Sonia says. "We'll be there."

The wedding planner is disgruntled but moves along.

Once we are relatively alone, Sonia grabs my hands. "I don't know the details. But whatever is going on has to stop."

I hold my breath.

"I don't know if that was a one-time thing. Or if maybe it's been going on longer," she goes on. "But you are off-limits to Theo. And vice versa."

I stare at Sonia.

It is rare that I think of the strangeness involved with Sonia being closer to my age than my father's. She's never tried mothering me, only ever given me advice as a friend. But this doesn't feel friendly.

"We're not hurting anyone."

"Abigail, if your dad finds out, he's going to lose it."

"What if there was no way he'd find out?" My insides are clinging onto my reality.

I'm not ready to let go of Theo. I'm supposed to have him for two more months. "What if I don't make any more stupid mistakes?"

Sonia's eyebrows lift.

"You'd tell him, wouldn't you?"

She looks down at our hands. "I…"

That's all I need to know. "Wow."

"He's my husband."

"And I'm your friend ."

Sonia shakes her head. "We're family, Abigail. And Theo's got his own things to work through. So do you."

"I'm not a child, Sonia."

"No, you're not. You're right. But I–"

"You married your ex-boyfriend's dad.

Sonia gulps and looks away. "That's different."

"How? How is that different?"

"Because not everything has a happy ending, Abigail. You can't be sure how things will turn out with…"

The planner interrupts us again. "Okay, minute over. Time to get in line."

Sonia sighs and goes to follow the planner.

I grab her hand before she walks off. "Don't tell my dad."

"Abigail–"

"Promise me you won't tell my dad."

Sonia inhales, holding her head high. "I won't tell your dad."

"Good."

The wedding is a blur, and I hate it.

I hate that I can't focus on how beautiful Bridget looks or how in love Seth is with her. I can't even enjoy how perfect the day is for an outdoor wedding.

All I can focus on is Theo. Sitting in the middle of a sea of guests, Bonnie on his lap so she can see better. Every time she sees me, she grins and waves.

And he smiles at her, holds her closer, then smiles at me with a look that seems as close to love as I've ever seen.

I want to cry.

I knew losing them would hurt. But I didn't know it would break my heart.