15. Theo

15

THEO

"Bonnie, you cannot pack a houseplant." I pick up the potted succulent from the inside of her suitcase, placing it on her bedside table.

She pouts, arms over her chest. "But what if it dies while we're gone?"

"It won't. Abigail will come by to water it."

Bonnie's face turns from sour to sweet. "Abigail will take care of my plant?"

Against my better judgment, which is a theme these days, I have asked Abigail to come by the house a couple of times while Bonnie and I go visit the pathetic remains of my family back in the UK for Christmas.

I may not speak to most of them, but family is family. I can keep a stiff upper lip for Bonnie's sake. She doesn't deserve to feel like an outcast.

The thought of Abigail in my home without me is a strange one. It is not that I am worried that she'll do something wrong. It's that it conjures an image of this being her home too. That she could be alone here at home, going about her daily business, owning the space just as any person who lived here would.

In the two months we've been conducting our affair, the closeness has become harder and harder to shake. Because what started as hour-long quickies in the middle of my workday has become long, fulfilling hours of enjoying one another. Not only shagging, but conversation. Intimacy .

What I've wanted from the beginning with her and pretended I could ignore.

The doorbell rings.

"Speak of the devil," I murmur, allowing Bonnie to dart down the hallway to greet our guest.

I've invited Abigail over under the guise of giving her a rundown of all the details she has to look after while we're gone. And that turned into a way for Bonnie to celebrate Christmas with Abigail before we leave for the holiday. A "slumber party" of sorts. Snacks, blankets, movies.

The three of us.

It's a selfish plan, really.

Two weeks away from Abigail is going to make me a wreck. The least I can do is have a long, drawn-out goodbye with her.

Didn't feel right for it to be a closeted encounter in the dungeon or a hidden kiss in Central Park.

This way, everyone could know she's here.

Edwin knows she and Bonnie are close, knows that she's helping me out by looking after the apartment.

The less things between Abigail and me feel wrong, the more pleasure I get out of it.

I can only hope she feels the same.

When I get to the front door, Bonnie has already ushered Abigail inside and is almost vibrating at the sight of a gift bag. "Did you get me a Christmas present?"

"Bonnie, it's not polite to ask." I slide my hands into my pockets.

Abigail flashes me a smile which cracks my heart open. "It is for you, Bonnie. Would you like to open it?"

Bonnie takes the bag from Abigail. "Let's go into the living room and open it there!"

My daughter heads off before making sure either of us are in tow.

Abigail and I are awkward around each other when it comes to Bonnie's presence. We don't want to be caught in a position that will make her uncomfortable or lead her to saying something that could be misconstrued at a family dinner.

"You didn't have to get her anything," I say softly.

"Why wouldn't I?" Abigail asks with a small shrug. She approaches me and nudges me in the chest with a knuckle. "Got you something too, but you'll have to wait until you're back to see it."

"Oh?"

Abigail grabs the collar of her sweater and pulls down to reveal a lacy strap of something.

I pull the fabric back up with haste. "Blimey, you're a naughty girl."

She bites down on her lower lip. "Am I?"

"You're impossible."

"You love it."

I do. I love more than that. Love every bit about her. Won't say that, though. "I've got something for you too."

"Now, you shouldn't have–"

"Nonsense." I gesture toward the living room. "Don't want to keep her waiting now, do we?"

Abigail glances toward the open door, then back to me, eyes falling to my lips. "I want to kiss you so bad right now."

"The feeling is very much mutual. Now, go."

Abigail laughs before sauntering into the living room.

We both watch Bonnie unwrap her gift, which is entirely puffin themed, thanks to Abigail's upcoming research position in Ireland next year. Books on the subject, a stuffed animal, a T-shirt.

Bonnie cradles the stuffed puffin in her arms, pressing her face to it. "I want to hold a real one."

"Maybe you can visit me when I'm in Ireland, and we'll see what we can do."

Bonnie's face alights. "Can we visit?"

"Of course!" Abigail exclaims, but her excitement abates. "I mean… You know, that'd be up to your father."

I brush some of Bonnie's hair off of her face. "We'll see, love."

Everything lately is "we'll see" with Abigail and me.

We have time. Lots of it. To enjoy. And yet, it doesn't feel like nearly enough. Because having her away from the light of day is becoming impossible.

"Now, Bon, why don't you pick out a movie, and Abigail and I will go make some popcorn and talk, hm?"

Bonnie agrees, curling into a corner of the sofa and grabbing the remote control.

Abigail and I retreat into the kitchen where the gift I got for her sits wrapped and sparkling on the table.

"Theo, you really shouldn't have," she says with an admonishing look in her eye.

"I'm afraid I could not resist."

I watch her as she picks up the rectangular package. She is careful as she unwraps it at first, but then throws caution to the wind and rips the paper off. "I'm too excited."

"I hope you like it." This could go poorly if I haven't gauged our intimacy quite right.

Once the gift is unwrapped, she reveals the bottle of perfume in an antique crystal bottle.

Abigail's pink lips part. "Wow, it's beautiful." She looks askance at me. "Do I smell bad to you?"

"Oh god, no, no. That isn't the point at all!"

Abigail laughs. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." She squeezes the tasseled bulb at watches the scent disperse. "Oh, it smells amazing. What is that?"

"It's been uniquely formulated for you. I mean, I picked out the scents. Cherry, magnolia, cedar… Anyway, the idea is that you can wear it and think of me, and I can have my very own bottle, and you'll never be far from me. As far as your scent goes."

Abigail's lips perk up.

"Which, saying aloud, makes me sound a bit like a stalker or something, but–"

"I love it." She spritzes some again before letting it fall over her. "That way, you don't have to miss me as much."

"That was the idea." I run my fingers through my hair. "Well, anyway… Merry Christmas."

Abigail comes up to me.

And we've agreed nothing when Bonnie is around, nothing when anyone is around.

However, I'm not going to push her away. Would never. Because I want her closeness more than anything.

She touches the front of my dress shirt, runs her fingers between two of the buttons, lifts her face toward mine. "Merry Christmas, Theo."

Her lips brush mine in a soft kiss.

"Don't be mad," she says when she draws away.

I am not mad. In fact, I pull her back to me for another kiss.

"Because I won't be able to later," I whisper when I'm done.

Then we go back to the night as if nothing happened.

§

Bonnie has chosen some princess movies, most of which I know by heart.

I'm fond of them, I won't lie. They're magical and innocent in a way that reminds me of a time before everything got complicated.

Not to mention, Bonnie singing along with every song is the best. She gets so many of the words wrong, but she belts out with gusto.

Abigail sings along too, many of them from a time when she was a child.

The more I'm around her, the less concerned I am with our age difference. It doesn't actually matter when we get on so well, enjoy each other's company so much.

It's the pesky detail of her father that remains the hardened wall between us that cannot be brought down.

We sit with Bonnie between us, bundled under a blanket, the bowl of popcorn on Bonnie's lap.

Our fingers brush from time to time, making my insides heat like I'm a schoolboy.

Each touch is accompanied by a familiar glance, a longing smile.

In the middle of the third movie, Abigail whispers, "Psst."

I look over, and Bonnie is asleep, curled into Abigail's side.

"I knew she was tired," I say with a wry smile.

Bonnie insisted she could make it through a third movie.

Abigail wraps her arm around Bonnie and brushes her arm. "Oh, she's out ."

I could watch them together all day, just like this. Not moving a muscle, fitting together like a puzzle. "She's so comfortable with you."

"I'm glad she is," Abigail replies. "I didn't know I needed her."

My heart flutters. "How do you mean?"

"Just…" Abigail sighs. "I was letting life get the best of me before you two moved to New York. Focused on all the wrong things. Seeing the way she takes in the world is enlightening. We all need to see a bit more of the beauty."

I nod and rest my arm on the back of the couch. Not quite behind Abigail. But if I inch closer bit by bit… "Having a child does that. And Bonnie is very good at seeing the beauty."

Abigail tears her eyes from Bonnie to look at me. "You are a great dad, Theo."

The fluttering in my chest halts. It's replaced by a tightness. "Oh. You think?"

Abigail nods. "Absolutely. And I mean, she just adores you."

I blush. "I'm glad to hear you think so."

"There's no thinking about it," Abigail whispers in return.

I move closer, my arm shifting behind her. I let my fingers brush her hair. "You know, you're very good with her too."

Abigail's face brightens.

"When you…" I pause and gulp. "When you have your own, you'll be a wonderful mother."

I've hurt my own feelings with that one. Picturing her as a mother to another man's children kills me .

Her smile falls. "Good practice, I suppose."

It doesn't have to be practice. This could be the real thing .

I don't have the strength to say that, but I do allow myself to brush the back of my hand against Abigail's cheek.

Her eyes flutter shut. "I'm going to miss you."

"Oh, Abigail…"

I should be self-deprecating. Tell her I'm not all that much to miss.

Instead, I reply, "You have no idea how I'll miss you."

For so many reasons.

She leans her head down onto my arm, nuzzling me.

I shift even closer until her head is up against my chest, Bonnie squeezed between us.

Abigail gives in, lets me hold her as she falls asleep too.

I kiss the crown of her head.

For a single moment, I allow myself to believe this is my life. That Abigail is mine. And Bonnie is ours. And we go through life together.

I have never felt so much ecstasy.