10. Abigail

10

ABIGAIL

We find an ice cream spot in Seaport. Bonnie gets a scoop of cookie dough, and I get mint chocolate chip. Theo gets a coffee, his excuse being that he can't do too much dairy, which elicits a snorting laugh from me.

"Sorry, that's what my dad always says."

Theo goes red. "Yes, well…"

With our ice cream and coffee, we decide to walk through the neighborhood, down the cobblestoned streets.

Bonnie walks a few feet ahead, peering into the windows of stores with colorful clothes and shoes.

"Things went okay, then?" Theo asks me when Bonnie's enough out of earshot.

"Oh, yeah. She was great."

Theo raises an eyebrow. "Be honest, Abigail."

There's a gravel to his tone that zaps me right in my chest.

What the hell?

"I'm being completely honest. She was great. You're surprised your daughter was well-behaved?"

"No, no, she's a good kid." Theo looks forward with a sigh, watching Bonnie as she hops from stone to stone. "Things haven't been easy for her, though, and sometimes things go sideways, you know?"

"That's all kids, I think," I say. "But I'm not a parent, so I don't know what I'm talking about."

"You're right, you're right, just…" He takes a sip of his coffee, and I wonder if he's going to finish that sentence. "Her life has changed a lot. That's all."

Bonnie whips around suddenly. "Daddy, can we go into the bookstore?"

"After you finish your ice cream."

She looks at the cone in her hand, at the ice cream that's dripped onto her skin, and then jams the cone into her mouth.

Theo sighs and stops in his tracks, turning toward me.

I follow suit, my heart pumping harder than I anticipate.

"There really wasn't another way after everything my brother did."

I am taken aback by his words. "You mean… Your wife?"

Theo winces.

"Ex-wife. I mean, Bonnie's mom, right?" The words tumble from my mouth like vomit.

"Well, yes, but I wasn't referring to that, I was…" He runs a hand through his hair. "Bonnie's the one having to pay for me letting my brother off scot-free all these years for his stupid business decisions."

"I don't follow…"

Theo looks askance. Is he nervous? "Of course you don't, I mean, I can't imagine you bother yourself with this sort of thing."

"Business?"

"Not that you couldn't, of course you could, look, I'm just talking in circles, let me…" Theo waves his hand through the hair and starts to step toward Bonnie who is down to the nub of her cone.

My body feels out of my control as I reach out and grab onto the sleeve of his coat, tugging him back. "Tell me."

Theo looks at me like I'm crazy, and maybe I am for grabbing onto him like this.

He's my elder, my father's friend. That demands some respect.

I release his sleeve. "Sorry, I–"

"It's fine." Theo swallows. "I've been bitter to him because I've been paying for his mistakes. But I was the one who covered them up."

I think through every article I've read about Wallington Limited over the years. Scandal after scandal. Briberies and affairs and money laundering and schemes. More often than not, Theo's picture was taken coming out of a courtroom, usually successful.

Until it became too much.

"Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments," he says through a wry chuckle. "Ask your father."

"Trust me, I know," I say, trying to laugh too, but failing.

"Now Bonnie pays for my idiocy," he says. "Because now we have to start over."

For the first time, Theodore Wallington doesn't seem like a conniving businessman or a reckless party boy. But a human.

All the animosity I've held onto since I was a child for him starts to unfurl. "I think we all end up paying for our parents' mistakes at some point. No matter how good they try to be."

Theo opens his mouth to reply, but Bonnie interrupts us, holding up her empty hands. "Done!"

"Goodness, you've got ice cream all over your face, here–" Theo pats his pockets for something.

I hold out the napkin I have wrapped around my cup of ice cream. "Here."

The smile he gives me reaches down into my belly and squeezes.

Fuck .

"Thank you, Abigail."

How dare he always say my name like that?

I think as I look down into my cup of ice cream that's turned into a light green soup. I toss it into a nearby trash can.

With Bonnie cleaned up, we go into the bookstore.

Bonnie goes directly toward the kids' section like she has a sixth sense for it, and we follow, slow, holding onto the remains of the conversation we were having that was unceremoniously cut off.

The longer I walk beside him, the more I flip through the catalog of every interaction we've had since I ran into them at the aquarium. How cruel I've been, so righteous in my disdain of him. After all these years of blaming him for pulling my father away from me, looking for evidence of his badness in every article, every rumor.

"I owe you an apology," I blurt in a voice so soft I hope he didn't hear me.

"Hm? For what?"

"I…" I force myself to look at him when I say this. "I've been kind of an asshole."

A laugh bubbles out of Theo, one that interrupts the quiet bookstore.

"Sorry, I shouldn't swear when she's–"

"No, no. I'm just surprised, I…" Theo shakes his head. "I wouldn't say you've been that, Abigail. You don't owe me anything."

"I know, but I've been rude. I've been–" I sigh. "I haven't been myself lately at all."

"I know the feeling."

We exchange a look. The softness in his eyes reminds me of my father, but more. Less concern. More understanding. "You know, when I was a kid, after my parents broke up, I blamed you for taking my dad away from me."

Theo's brow tightens, and his head cocks to the side as he takes in what I've said.

"I didn't hear from him for months. And I was little, and I didn't understand and…it's always been easier to say that was your fault than my dad chose to–" Something wells up in the back of my voice.

Fuck. No, I don't want to get emotional like this.

"Oh, Abigail…" Theo murmurs and steps closer.

Not closer. Not any closer.

My heart lodges in my throat. Whether it's a symptom of my story or his presence, I can't be sure, and that's what scares me.

"That was a complicated time for him," he says. "And for my part, well, I'm sorry. I was quite thoughtless back then."

"I know, and that's why I know I haven't been fair to you since, since forever really, so–"

"You were a child, it wasn't your job to be fair to me," he says. "I could have encouraged him to–"

"It doesn't matter now."

Theo knew me when I was a child. Which is why this pull I'm feeling to him is disgusting .

I can't help it, though. It's strong, a punch to my sternum again and again. "I also told Lourdes to stay away from you."

Theo gapes. "You did?"

"Yes, I thought…well, you know all the stuff with your company and–" Ex-wife . "She's too good for most people, and I didn't think highly of you, so… I'm sorry."

"Abigail, I didn't take you for a meddler."

I blush. "Yeah. Sorry about that."

"Well, I don't accept your apology because I don't need it," he replies quickly. "In fact, I need to apologize to you."

"No, that's not–"

"Shall we agree to disagree?"

I huff. "If you're going to be annoying about it, then yes."

Theo smirks.

I realize he's gotten quite close as we've talked, trying to keep the conversation low and distant from Bonnie who is picking through picture books. "I'd rather be annoying to you than my presence hurt you, so I'll take that as a win."

I roll my eyes. "Shut up."

He chuckles, and I bat him away, a slight push except not hard enough to really put distance between us. If anything, the touch has invited him closer.

"Can I get books, Daddy?" Bonnie calls out.

"Of course, love."

Love .

What is it with the British and that ridiculous term of endearment for anyone and anything? It's not fair to the rest of the world who isn't used to it. Because with that accent, that word takes on a life of its own.

What kind of love? Passive love? Childlike love? Love love?

If he weren't so good looking, I wouldn't be this stupid-feeling over it.

Theo takes a seat on a comfy bench and acts as Bonnie's librarian, letting her pile up books on his lap.

I take the seat beside him, trying to leave space between us, but that feels close to impossible with his long legs.

Theo clears his throat. "Could I ask you something, Abigail?"

"Must you?" I whine, trying to be clear it's a joke.

He picks up on it, thanks to his dry British humor. "I don't have to, but I'd like to."

"Fine, I suppose I'll allow it."

Bonnie swoops in with another book, causing Theo to wait until she's out of earshot. "That man the other night. Your professor."

"God, what about him?"

"Well, he hasn't given you a hard time since, has he?"

He's given me enough of a hard time for a lifetime. "No, I haven't heard from him."

"Good. That's good." Theo hesitates before going on, "If he bothers you, you need to tell someone. It doesn't need to be me. But it could be, if that makes sense to you."

Theo's so polite. So delicate with the way he works through his words. Trying to get it right. After so many times getting it wrong, I'd imagine.

"What about you?" I ask as to not linger on Professor Ridley. "Your date."

"My date? Helene?"

"Yes. Are you going to see her again?" Not sure why I feel invested all of a sudden.

"Oh, um, no, no, I don't think so."

Not sure why I'm fucking relieved to hear that. "She was pretty."

"She was a lot of things. Good things, yes, but–"

Bonnie interrupts with a stack of books in her arms. "I need all the books in this series."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," he says without batting an eye.

She flits away.

"She's got you wrapped around her finger." I chuckle.

"Don't act like you weren't exactly the same with your father," Theo replies. "And I'm sure whatever man you come across."

My heart pounds.

"You'll have them…upside down." He tries to fill the gap of my silence. "Yes, all wrapped up."

What would he know about the way men feel about me? Other than the fact he is a man…and maybe he–

What the hell am I thinking?

"So, Helene didn't have you wrapped around her finger? Is that what you're looking for in a woman?"

"Oh, god, no, being wrapped is dangerous business." He puts his hands on the stack of books and sighs. "I'm trying to come at this whole love and marriage business objectively this time around."

"Objectivity and love? Sounds like an oxymoron."

Theo nods. "Trust me. It is. Objectively , Helene is a wonderful choice. She's intelligent and beautiful and at least was open to the fact I have a child. Our humor didn't quite match, but I suppose that's not everything."

"If you can't laugh together, what's the point?"

"I suppose."

I shrug. "Life is always funny with the right person, even when it's miserable. I think. I wouldn't know."

Theo chuckles. "I like your way of thinking, Abigail."

See? I have you laughing .

Then, he sighs. "Sadly, although she's perfect on paper, I just don't think there's anything we can give each other."

"Despite being attractive, intelligent people? Nothing to give."

"You're too kind, Abigail. I know my beauty is fading."

"I didn't–" What? Didn't mean that he's attractive? Of course, I meant it because it's true. He doesn't need to know I think that, though. Or that I'm so willing to retract it.

"Helene is all the things I need, in many ways," he says. "Except she is not what I want. And those are different feelings. Different impulses." His blue eyes catch in mine, trying to read me like a book. "Don't you think?"

I've gone too far in the opposite direction. From loathe to desire. Perhaps it's temporary.

Yes. I've decided it's temporary. "What do you want then?"

"Oh, Abigail…" Theo looks away and laughs to himself at some unspoken joke. "If only I could explain it to you."

"I'm not too young to understand–"

"No, darling, that's not what I mean."

Darling .

Before either of us can say more, Bonnie rushes over with another stack of books, and Theo decides that's the limit.

"A small fortune," he mutters for no one in particular.

Except it seems like it's for me. Whatever conversation we couldn't continue having. And I'm not all right leaving it unsaid.

As we leave the bookstore, all of us laden down with bags of books, Bonnie muses into the sky, "I wish we could do this every weekend."

I smile at her. "Would you like that? If you and I got to hang out next weekend too?"

Bonnie's face lights up. "Yes! Can we? Please?"

I look at Theo. "What do you think?"

Theo pauses. Then he lights up too. The two of them have the same brightness in their expressions. Beautiful and warm. Warmth you want to be close to.

"Yes, I think…I think that could be good. For all of us."

Yes. All of us in one way or another benefit. I get to be close to Bonnie's youth and hope. She gets to see New York rather than being cooped up in her father's office. Theo gets the satisfaction of knowing she's safe.

And we...remain close. Which might be dangerous.

But I haven't felt this alive in a long time.