19. Carina

CHAPTER 19

Carina

" I 'm so glad you're home, even if it is just for a couple of days."

I bring an extra blanket to Grandma, who is sitting on the couch, and place it over her lap because she's always getting cold.

"It's good to be home, sweetie. I've been wanting to talk to you, though. It's never the right time at the rehab, though."

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

"Has your mother been around much? She visited me and was asking all kinds of questions about you, Ryan, and Alex."

I snort. "I don't even want to talk about her. She came over recently, first thing in the morning, and was asking for money. She said I could ask Ryan as if he's rich or something. Then she started asking if this was a long game with the two of them or something."

"That sounds about right," Grandma said. "I kept hoping she had changed, but I guess not. Be careful with her. I know she's your mom, but a lot is going on there."

I nod. "I know what you mean. She's only been my mother in name only though. You've always been my mom. And you've always been the best mom."

I kiss the top of Grandma's head, and she grabs my arm and pulls me down for a hug, patting my back and then rubbing it as she always has done since I was little.

"How's that boyfriend of yours?" she asks.

"He's good. We're going to go away for the weekend when you go back for testing."

"And what about Alex?"

"What about him?" I ask.

"I still think there's something there, Carina. Even if you don't. Be careful with that one."

"We're just friends, Grandma. He's like a big brother to me."

"Alright, if you say so. I haven't met him, so I really don't know. It's just my gut telling me something, and it's always right."

I walk to the kitchen to get her a fresh bottle of water. When I hand it to her she reaches for my hand again.

"Sweetie, what's wrong? I can see it all over your face."

I let out a long breath, and my shoulders slump.

"I'm worried about things with Ryan. I think I'm in too deep. I tried to do what you said and protect myself, but whenever I'm with him everything feels so right. I can't imagine ever leaving him. It feels like that's where I belong."

"But you still need to end things with him. That's the agreement."

"Yes. I know. And whether it breaks his heart or not, I don't know. But I do know ending things with him is going to break mine."

With Odessa working extra hours at John's, she lets me borrow her car so I can drive up to Alex's.

I have been driving up there regularly just to get some space from the city, and even though he hasn't mentioned it again, I know the offer for Grandma and me to move in is still on the table.

It's definitely a tempting offer, especially as I have gotten used to having so much space available to me, but it doesn't feel right. Plus, how would I explain to my boyfriend that I'm living with another man? Even if things are strictly platonic.

Regardless, it's time. I need to end this deal between Alex and I. I can't continue the way things are, knowing I'm going to get hurt by breaking things off with Ryan. I need to think about me. Alex will have to think of another way I can pay him back for everything he's done for Grandma and me.

Once I arrive, I let myself in and go straight to the library, where Alex spends most of his time.

"I need out," I say as I enter the room.

"Well, hello to you too," he says.

"Hi." I sit on one of the cushioned chairs facing his desk. He's standing and turns to face the window, turning his back to me. "I need out," I repeat. "I can't do this anymore."

"But you have to do it," he says. "How else will you pay for everything I've done for your grandmother?"

"I don't know," I say, my voice soft. "Maybe I can be your assistant. Or even your landscaper," I say, thinking back to my joke to Odessa when I went to Alex's house the first time. "Or maybe you can just call us even out of the generosity of your heart."

Alex laughs as he turns to face me. "The generosity of my heart. It's as if you don't know me at all."

"I'm serious, Alex. Call this off."

"Why? Because you're falling for him? You don't even know him. You're falling for the idea of him. You're falling because he's attractive. You're falling because he's easy; he's not complicated."

"Not complicated? Yes, he's not complicated. I never have to guess what he's thinking or worry about what I'm going to say to him. And I sure as hell don't have to worry about him destroying another person on a whim."

"Oh, boo hoo. Sometimes people do stupid things, okay? Even I can admit that."

"So you'll drop it? Because it's stupid. I don't have to continue?"

"I never said that," he says. "I'm just aware of what it sounds like. I'm very aware of what I'm doing. And if you knew the whole story, it would make sense to you, too. Is it vengeful? Spiteful? Yes. I know it is. But could I do this without you? No." He turns back to look at the river and puts his hands in his pockets. "Has he told you he loves you?"

"No," I say softly, feeling hurt admitting that.

"I'm sure he does." He turns around and walks over to me. He perches on the corner of his desk, tilts his head to the side, and the corners of his mouth perk up into a smile even though his eyes look sad. "He definitely does."

"Are you making fun of me? How can you even say that?"

Alex sighs, and I see his tough-guy facade crumble further.

"You don't get it, do you? You don't see how difficult this is for me," he says.

"For you? I'm the one in this relationship that I have to end. I'm the one who's feelings will get hurt. I'm the one who will end up with a broken heart!"

My voice shakes, but I push forward, trying to be strong.

"But at least you had something. You had time with him as a couple." He scoffs as he shakes his head. "You really don't see it at all, do you?"

"See what?" I say, my voice expressing how annoyed I am.

"You don't see how much I love you, how I have loved you all this time. How the only way I could guarantee that he would fall in love was by finding the one perfect woman he wouldn't be able to say no to. And that's you. And this is my sacrifice. This is why it's so difficult for me." He gets up and returns to looking out the window. "You'll complete this job no matter how guilty or hurt you feel. And if you decide to end our agreement, just remember that another will take your place with him."

I get up, stunned and confused, not only about what I'm hearing but also about what I'm feeling. I've spent so long telling people that Alex means nothing that I realize I don't know how I really feel. Maybe I've been lying to myself.

How did I ignore all of the signs?

As I approach him, I notice his shoulders are slightly slumped. He's not filled with the confidence I usually think of when I see him. I put my hand on his back to comfort him.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Alex turns, and his hands cup my face, and his lips close down on mine. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around his neck, but then I quickly push him away.

"I'm sorry," he says as he shoves his hands deep into his pockets.

"Is that why you do that?" I ask, pointing to his hands. "Because of me?"

He nods. "I've wanted so badly to kiss you, to hold you. But I can't." He shakes his head. "So I take the leftovers, the scraps. Like you not wanting to be alone or falling asleep on the couch with me. I take that, and I treasure those little moments with you." He turns away again and clears his throat. "Now leave. Please," he says, his voice now gruff. "I don't want to hear any more of you trying to get out of our deal. Not at this point. Not five months in. You know what you have to do. You've known it since the beginning. Now, just do it."