16. Carina

CHAPTER 16

Carina

A s the fireworks continue, Ryan takes my hand and pulls me closer. We watch the fireworks as he stands behind me, his arms enveloping me like a comfortable sweater. He looks down at me, and our eyes meet. His face becomes serious, as it had that very first night we met at the ball. We haven't done much more than kissing since then.

I look away. While this date and Ryan have been unforgettable, I keep reminding myself that being with him should be treated as a job. The more I like him, the more I need to remind myself I'll need to break up with him. The best thing I can do is to keep my mind straight.

It's like Grandma said months ago—I need to protect myself.

I have such little experience to begin with, and the more I get to know Ryan, the more I have feelings for him. I know that for me, letting the relationship turn physical would be the point of no return.

He leans in and kisses my neck, and my entire body goes flush with warmth. His hand slides up my leg, and I want more, but I pull away.

"I'm sorry," he says.

Later, on the drive home, he keeps his hand on my thigh. I can feel the warmth of his hand through my jeans. It makes me want to feel even more of him.

He squeezes my thigh, and I can tell he feels the same.

As he parks on the street in front of my apartment, he turns to me, and I recognize the same hungry look as from the first night we met.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," I say.

He nods and sighs deeply.

"I understand," he says.

I think about how I've never been to his place and how funny he gets whenever I ask him about it.

"What about your place?" I ask.

"Oh, well, we're right here in front of yours, and… are we talking about the same thing?"

"Yes, we are," I say, feeling disappointed but at the same time acknowledging that he's right. It makes no sense if we're at my place already. I really have to stop overthinking. "I'm sorry. I know you want to. I want to, too; I'm just not ready yet."

"Is there anything I can do to help you feel ready?"

Yes, take me to your apartment, and then guarantee I won't fall in love with you if we have sex.

"No, I just need time," I say.

I enter my apartment and lean against the door, feeling miserable for having to turn him away again, especially when I want him so badly, too.

But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what he's keeping from me. Whether he's keeping something from me or not shouldn't matter. I'm not supposed to be in this relationship because of my heart. Even if I can't help falling for him.

I need to distract myself.

I grab a book and sit down to read, but my head just isn't into it. I keep trying, but it's useless. After half an hour of reading the same paragraph several times, I close the book.

I turn on the TV, but I have no luck there either. I turn on a movie, but it ends up annoying me. I try a TV show, and that annoys me too. Everything makes me think of Ryan and how great he's been.

Why can't I just let things go and enjoy this?

Even listening to music doesn't help. All I can think about is Ryan. I keep replaying things in my head. The incredible date, how I don't know where he lives, how nicely he dresses, how he looks at me.

I keep thinking and rethinking and replaying to the point where I'm obsessing. I'm either thinking about how great he is and how much I'm falling for him or reminding myself that I can't fall for him. Then comes my favorite part when I think about how something doesn't add up with him. It's a never-ending cycle of thought.

As I move around the apartment, trying to distract myself, doubt starts to creep into my head again. There are all these little signs that something in my relationship with Ryan isn't right. I ignored them for a long time, but lately, I noticed them more and more.

But is it me? I want to blame myself for it since I started the relationship with an ulterior motive. But the reality is that other than sex, I hadn't held back at all.

I've been myself with him. I let myself fall for him from the first moment we met. And even though I knew I should protect my own heart, I didn't.

I text Odessa, needing another opinion.

Carina: Hey, you busy?

Odessa: Not really, why?

Carina: Can you talk?

As soon as I hit send, my phone starts ringing.

"Hey, sis, what's up?" she says.

"I just got back from my date with Ryan, and I don't know… I just really need to talk."

"I can tell you right off the bat I think the problem is too much talking. You're twenty-five, and you've never had sex. You're dating a smoking hot man who is really into you. And he's being really patient. But I get it. I know you feel like if you give in to how you're feeling and you have sex with him, it's like you're getting paid for sex. I mean, I don't think it's like that because you have feelings for him, but I get it. In other words, you're overthinking like usual, and it's beginning to drive me crazy."

"I know, sis, I know. I get it. Sometimes, I annoy myself with all of this. And it's not that I feel like I'd be getting paid for sex, it's that that's the final step for me. Sex means so much to me, and doing it with him will mean that I'm allowing myself to get hurt because that's what'll happen. And I don't want that. I don't want to hurt him either. But there's more. There's stuff I can't explain. He's hiding something from me."

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"I don't know. But for example, I've never seen where he lives. Not once has he offered to go there. I don't even know where he works. All I know is that he is a plumber. A plumber who drives a really nice car and dresses really well. And when I think about it, it wasn't even him who told me he's a plumber."

"Do you think maybe he's married?"

"Well, I'm wondering that now." I laugh. "No, there's no way he's married. Especially not after tonight's date. Plus, it doesn't make any sense. Why would Alex set up a married man to try to break his heart?."

"Yeah, you're right. That doesn't make any sense. But neither does a billionaire hiring someone to break someone else's heart. I mean, what does he get out of that?" Odessa says. "So what are you thinking?"

"The thing is, this is a huge issue for me. And I know I have no place to say anything because my whole reason for being in this relationship is to eventually end it. I'm well aware of what a shitty person I am for that. But I thought maybe he and I could get back together afterward, though. What do you think?"

"I thought Alex said you could never see Ryan again," she says.

"The way I see it, after I do this one thing for Alex, we're even. He doesn't get to dictate the rest of my life."

"So what are you going to do?" she asks.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing. And keep trying to protect myself. You know, try not to get in too deep. Try not to fall too hard. You know, all the things I've basically been unsuccessful at."

"Well, if there's anything I can do, just let me know."

"Thanks, sis. I'll talk to you later."

As I hang up with Odessa, I stare at my phone for a minute longer. I go through my options again: book, music, TV, and nope. What I really want is company. I need a friend.

I continue to stare at my phone, wishing it could do something. I want someone to call me or text me, but nothing happens. I could call Ryan, and he'd be back in no time. From somewhere. Or I can go somewhere else. Somewhere where Ryan won't be occupying so much space in my head.

I know exactly who to call.

I scroll to find the number and tap. The number starts ringing right away and is answered just as quickly.

"Hey, it's me," I say. "Can you pick me up? I need to get out of here."

I look out the window, waiting for the long black car to arrive. Instead, a bright blue BMW pulls up at the curb outside my apartment.

I grab my handbag and rush outside, quickly sliding into the car.

"Thanks for picking me up," I say.

"No problem," Alex says. "Where to?"

"I really don't care. I just need a distraction, and I don't want to be alone."

"You sure you don't want to call Ryan?"

"I can't," I say. "I can't rely on him so much. I can't think of him as a real boyfriend. You know that. It's only going to make it harder on me later."

Alex nods. "Then come over. We can make some popcorn and watch a movie."

"That sounds great."

The drive to Alex's flew by. Without my saying so, he seems to understand that I don't want to talk; I just don't want to be alone. Despite the reason for our relationship, I consider him a good friend—like a big brother.

After making a big bucket of buttered popcorn, Alex takes me into the basement, where he has a small theater. In the middle of the room, an oversized, comfy couch with a blanket folded on a cushion is surrounded by classic movie theater chairs.

"You pick where we sit," he says.

I curl up on one corner of the couch and spread the blanket out over me. In between Alex and me is the large bucket of popcorn.

"Is there something you want to watch?" he asks.

"No, whatever you want is fine with me."

"I'm in the mood for a classic. How about The Exorcist? Have you seen it?"

"Yeah, several times. Great movie, even if it is kinda freaky."

As the movie plays, a flash of a demon pops up on the screen, and I cover my eyes.

"I hate this part," I say.

I look over at Alex, expecting him to laugh at me, but instead, he puts his arm up on the back of the couch and gestures for me to come closer.

Grabbing my blanket, I slide over and into the nook of his arm. As the movie plays, I nestle against him more as I feel exhaustion hit me. His arm comes down around my shoulders, comforting me.

For the first time all night my mind grows quiet, all my anxiety melts away, and I feel as if I can finally relax.

Once the movie ends, Alex uncrosses his legs to get up, but I reach for his sleeve.

"No, don't move. This is so nice," I say with a yawn. "Please?"

Alex sits back down, reaches for the blanket, and pulls it over us both. With his arm around me, I feel safe and secure. Like how I imagine having a big brother would feel like.

"Good night, my princess," he whispers before kissing the top of my head.